Quarterly update: narcissist miserable anxious mother with no permanent home by choice continues insanity.
sum: seen her 10x in 20 years. She left my father. She traveled world for 15 years in fancy places but on budget through demands. She is now 77. 100k in bank. We fund 35k. Social security 10k. 2-5 emails a day for this year with:
”are you going to let me die”
“if you think I am going to get on with my life you are in a fantasyland.”
”I’m not going to make it.”
”You want to buy me a house and you expect me to live alone?”
”the prices of houses have doubled - even if you are paying for it; now I have less money from you.”
”I don’t want you to buy me a house.”
”nobody does this alone.”
now, for the past year, rabbis, psychiatrists, my stepmother of all people and us have tried to come up
with solutions.
now she is begging us to “make a deal” that she can come to see us for 2 weeks and just get some love. We held our ground and said no. She said, let me come and then you can decide whether to buy me a house in California or put me in a home.
for background, she did not sacrifice for me. She divorced my father when I was 13, he raised me. She never paid a nickel for college or bought me anything. She was never there emotionally. Ever. She sent one email from 2014 where she showed that I thanked her for her ideas about a mosquito
problem. Her problems are worse, but she ignores my ocd saying it isn’t her fault. I recently had an incident where I lost feeling in my leg and my husband told her and she can’t see it. Even people with cancer have it better than her because they have family. My mil can’t walk, but she has a house. When we offer her a house, she says it’s different because my mil has been in her house. I know it is insane and I should just stop reading the emails. My husband has taken over and she bombards him. He’s ready to cut ties completely but we still want to monitor where she is and need to send her funds. There is still a nagging sadness that she isn’t welcomed by any family - but she was - she just abused everyone to a point of no contact by everyone. I’m not supposed to judge as I’m not g-d but it has deeply affected my family and it’s not ending.
And while you may pity her for having no one else in her life… remember that she did this to herself. She could have been a loving mother to you, but chose not to. She could have remarried or gathered many friends over the years; she chose not to. Now she is badgering you to step in to the gap she created for herself. Funny how she didn’t have time before, but now that she’s older, she expects you to do for her. Stay strong!
So treat her like one. You owe her nothing. Don't forget it.
At this point you're choosing to be an active participant her gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and threats. You're a willing player in her games.
You don't have to be. You CHOOSE to be.
"If you think I'm going to get on with my life, you are in a fantasyland".
You know what my response to that email would be?
Here it is:
'Don't threaten me or there will absolutely ZERO contact between the two of us. I am not playing your games anymore and I am not buying you a house. I will not tolerate your gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and assorted bullsh** for one more minute. Knock off your crap or you will be dead to me'.
Send her this message. If she doesn't get it, go no contact.
My adoptive daughters mother is the same way. When she gets drunk or high she's on the phone wanting to visit or to move back here. My daughter just says no, no and no! After the drunk time or whatever she doesn't even remember calling or texting saying someone else must have used her phone! really! So you can block the calls, ignore the calls, but you can also let it go to voice mail so you can keep track and not really answer her. My daughters mother one time wanted to stay with me! HECK NO! Remember this if they have enough nerve to ask you should have enough nerve to say no!
You are your daughter's mother. The woman who birthed her is the woman who birthed her and nothing more.
It's very generous of you to even have allowed this person to be in your daughter's life and I hope your child appreciates your generosity.
Your daughter has to learn how to stop enabling her birth parent. The only contact she should have with her should involve only ways that will help in recovery from addiction. If she is unwilling to get sober and clean YOUR daughter should have nothing to do with her.
Just stop.
Yes, it's very sad. But there isn't anything that you can do that will help.
That's the issue you need to solve. The issue of her will solve itself once you fix you.
Your mother has mental issues and she will never get better, and you MUST just get on with your life without her in it.
Change your phone numbers or just block her number and change all your email addresses so she can't reach you. When are you going to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH?
And why are you funding your mother $35,000? I'm not sure what that is about, but you need to stop and let your mother lie in the bed that she has made for herself. She was able to figure things out on her own for many years, so let her figure things out now. And if she no longer can, well then she will have to reach out to senior services and have them assist her best they can.
Your mother(and I use that term loosely, because it takes more than just giving birth to be a mother)is NOT your responsibility.
The only way you'll be able to move forward in a more healthy manner is if you cut ties once and for all. And you and your immediate family deserve that, so please stop this nonsense. If it drives me crazy just reading about it I can only imagine how crazy it drives you. But you and only you have the power to change things, so please start today to take control of your life and health and say bye bye to your mother. And mean it.
Happy Holidays.