Does anybody out there have a parent or in-law that acts like this? This came from an article I read about the spoilt brat / narcissist behavior. Please explain to me how you deal with this behavior and how much do you allow it to actually control your life before either just putting your foot down and saying enough and calling their bluff or backing away from the situation. I realize that they are our parents but when is enough just enough?
Then she wanted to talk about Comfortkeepers...that the people arent' good enough..(she refers to them as the fat one and the skinny one) LOL...i said i don't want to discuss it and she flipped out...'you don't care about your mother...you have no sympathy for me....I told her i will not feel sorry for her....that sent her through the roof!! she turned abusive and I asked her why she thought i didn't care...(my therapist taught me to ask questions when she gets nuts..) She then said "i'm ordering you out of the house"...the look on her face was UGLY!! I've never seen her so ugly before...
I think she had a glass of wine when I was out...She's on narcotics and that might explain why she turned ugly...
I feel like an abused animal...I can't believe how quickly she can turn...I am now downstairs after telling her i won't put up with her behavior...on the way downstairs, she said "God help you". and that I was a horrible daughter...I reminded myself that she's nuts and am not letting it bother me, or trying not to...It still hurts like hell.
Any ideas on what to do when you're being abused...leaving the room works until she needs something...
Now she's pounding on the floor to get my attention...WACKO!
I'm learning Mom is very good at pretending to agree or disagree depending on the situation.
I moved out at 17 and shortly after it all caught up with them. They lost the house, moved their 5 remaining kids into a 2 bedroom mobile home. I was on my own. About 7 years later, two of my brothers, in their early 20s, bought a double wide for the family. My parents were supposed to buy it from them after a few years. They never did. Last year, when the double-wide was foreclosed, my brothers' credit and finances took a huge beating.
I have only connected all the dots this year. I spent my life believing my parents were unlucky and a little bit irresponsible. But now I see that they were grossly irresponsible and even manipulative and refused to take care of anyone or even themselves and luck had nothing to do with it.
Sounds like you were definitely parentified, her role given to you. My mom did the same to me although she didn't neglect me...She cooked and shopped, etc. and worked hard to make a nice home for dad and I...but she treated me like her counselor and that caused me to lose myself and not have a normal childhood...
Don't we as caregivers, assume the same role reversal? I am angry about that and because i'm disabled, really can''t take on any other job and don't want to...I'm good at it, after all, I've had a lot of practice!!!
She is incapable of understanding that by not taking care of her children's needs, by letting her oldest daughter (me) babysit all the time, by not buying them basics like clothes and food and beds and keeping them safe, by not taking them places and playing with them, that they never felt loved. Cooking meals, often obviously stressed about it, and punishing them when they fight isn't love. Having her 20 year old sons buy her house and then never do anything to move that obligation off of them, even when she was making a moderate income, is not how you love your children.
So yes, she won't get it. I don't even try to tell her.
that's alot of abuse to take...good for you to get out of that environment and live your life...
my mom is sugary nice because she wants an audience telling her how sweet she is...at the transitiional care unit, everyone thought she was so sweet, it killed me every time I heard it...it made me SO angry knowing she is that way to the outside world but not to her own family (me).
cmcwrinkle1, I guess I've learned not to ask for much because i know she could care less, although when I mention I need glasses and can't afford them, she offers to help out...On my birthday a week ago, she gave me $200 cash and picked out a bday card on her own...but never gave it to me...last night, I finally pulled it out of her papers and said i would open it...She said she didn't put it there and I said I didn't either...oh well, she's always right.
Today I feel sad because i am living with her and because of my fibromyalgia I don't feel like going out...so I am called upon to answer the other caregiver's questions and it's all about mom...so I'm going out anyway to save my sanity..
Sure, she says she loves me and i'll never know how much..but i've told her that I've never felt loved by her and it makes her cry.
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Mizvic - you are fortunate that your mother apologized - the only apology I have ever received was when she got us lost driving and I finally said I was going a different way - she said " well, I guess you maybe could have been right." Lol! Almost choked on those words!
Heart2 heart - it would be awesome if "these" older people get nicer as the age...unfortunately with my mothers stroke and now lack of any filter - she is a walking, talking hornets nest. Stings anyone who gets in her way or disagrees with her. Someone on another site told me it is because she is scared - however for the last 2 years I have been spoken to by her worse than anyone in my life. I have been verbally abused - called every name in the book, hit and hung up on. Told she hate me last time. Sorry - just not going to take it anymore - I have not seen her since January - and dread the thought of seeing her again. Just because I had the unfortunate luck of having her egg fertilized by my wonderful dad - I am not responsible for her happiness and to be at her beck and call. I am 58 and have a wonderful husband and 4 great kids...they are my family. It's sad that I don't feel anything for her anymore - just pity.
She is in her own h**l - and honestly - she put herself there. She tormented my dad for at least 30 years, abused him verbally and physically when he had Parkinson's - and withdrew treatment when he was dying - out him in the worst rest home in the county - even tho he could afford the best - saying " they are nice to me"! His care was horrible and he died alone. My daughter will never forgive her for that. No one sees her - her very few friends are tired of her constant complaining - it is awful - but no one wants to go. She created this hell and is fighting everyone now. I can't imagine what it is like in her brain...
Whew- sorry - guess I needed to get rid of that toxic waste!
She gets a new chance to be nice every day. That's the way I have to do this, one day at a time!
I think it really scared her because she called me and apologized that afternoon! lol The next day when I came back she handed me an ample amount of money plus her credit card to fill my van with gas. I humbly accepted, knowing full well it was not because she cares, she needed to keep me reeled back in.
She doesn't realize how well I have come to know what she is about, and that when she is nice it is to get her way.
It doesn't make me stay though. If she's mean I am outta there! She says oh sure run out! And I say yep! See ya! lol
it's like a switch went off inside her and WHAM, she turned into a monster during dinner...I set a boundary that I need to put her in her PJs so I could be done by 6 which we have agreed to for a few years...she complained that I was being 'short' with her and said 'oh, and it's always about you!," Can you believe it? Sure you can. LOL. I was the selfish one who didn't care about her when i've been focusing on her all day? I don't think so.
I asked her how I could have said it better...and she tried to change the subject...HA!!! I told her 'well you should find another daughter'...that felt good...then she said...'take your worries and go downstairs.' I feel sorry for her...she's a powerless miserable ugly person and she has NO idea how she treats me...
I feel like i'm in a living nightmare that never ends...but i'm thankful for the insight I've gained by this thread and other resources. We're all in this together and it's a huge blessing!
This past weekend, my Mom was super pleasant and nice and chatty and helpful. A few days later, I get kicked off the caregiving team because Mom had been talking to my sister for over a week, complaining about the person helping me with Mom's arrangements.
Now I know that during those pleasant times between Mom and me, she was talking to others, getting them all up in arms about the present situation. Not trying to be a negative Nelly, but your mom might be nice because some plan of hers is working and about to be sprung.
Growing up, I had the same experience as you Sandwich42...she controlled what i did, and was overprotective...it got to the point that i was afraid to grow up because she taught me to fear the outside world. She always thought people were looking into our kitchen window all the time...so paranoid! She took everything people said personally and of course, dumped it on me, as if I were her counselor, a child, d**n it!!!
She taught me to be just like her...she even spoke in 2nd person...She would express her opinions, feelings using 'you statements. No wonder I was brainwashed...Do you know how brainwrecking that is to a child? She told me how to think and feel...'you shouldn't think that way,,,'you shouldn't feel that way'
This morning, I got a call from the care agency nurse who told me in order for the aides to administer her pain creme (has narcotics in it), she has to manage all her meds too...,mom has been setting up her meds for years. When I told her the nurse is going to set up her meds, she had a cow. I tried to remind her we already agreed to it but she started to have a fit...She is the boss, after all.
I am only living here because the secondhand smoke at my apartment made me sick and it's smoke free here. So far I'm staying sane...thank God!
And now I see through the behavior. It does make it hard to be in the same room with her right now, but since my BIL and sister kicked me off the care-giving team, I guess I don't have to worry about that for a bit until everyone cools down.
My parents were all about each other. Totally focused on each other. Begged family and friends for money and then spent it, not on their 6 kids or the house that was foreclosed or the business they were supposed to be running, but on each other and trips and "missions" and "calls from God" and who knows what else. And yet, mom is STILL able to get money from people. She's got her hooks in my sister who's pulling my BIL's chain and now they are committing to covering mom's expenses until her government benefits kick in. (And also, my parents refused to pay taxes and were audited - and now she's on government assistance. Hypocrites, too.) My sister has 2 kids, one income, is trying to buy a house. But sure, she'll subsidize mom's lifestyle.
Yes the posts have to be long ... this is a complicated experience.
And I purposely lower case mom and dad.
It is a hard spot you are in - get a good lawyer to give you advise on elder care and contact a CPA to help you with the money part - that all should be paid for by mom's money - not yours or your brother.
Hugs to you - and my thoughts are with you!!
ONLY losing. Time to give up but eaiser said than done. I know.
"Nothing has ever been or ever will be good enough for a narcissist. Stop chasing that fox because the hunt never ends."
I can say from my personal experience, this is true.