Does anybody out there have a parent or in-law that acts like this? This came from an article I read about the spoilt brat / narcissist behavior. Please explain to me how you deal with this behavior and how much do you allow it to actually control your life before either just putting your foot down and saying enough and calling their bluff or backing away from the situation. I realize that they are our parents but when is enough just enough?
What may happen is your mom will suffer the consequences of her behavior. Out of control enough, they will transfer her to another unit. Is this what you are really 'afraid' of? If she is not mistreated then, I say let them transfer.
I do not think there is anything noble about being a punching bag for a nasty woman in order to protect her from her own consequences. She may or may not be cognizant: I tend to think they are more cognizant then we think at times, but that is a whole other topic.
Keep your sanity, stay away. NO GUILT..
two cents ¢¢
And looloo nails it on the head - we've been brainwashed that it is all us, that if we just keep working at it, everything will be better, and if it isn't better, it's our fault.
Period.
You stop it, not the parent. You tell them you're not a child anymore. Period.
If they don't like it, you simply deal with them on your own terms which may just be not very often.
Sorry if you don't like the answer, but nobody tells me (and hasn't since I've been independent) what to do. I'm an adult, not a child anymore.
Just how much we 'owe' our parents doesn't include handing over our entire life to them to pay them back for having diapered us. If a parent is an adult, they will know the boundaries and respect them. If not, they need psychiatric help. Life isn't drama as shown in movies and television. There is a time to let go. While we may owe our parents respect, what I'm hearing from you is they don't respect YOU.
A few days later I did talk to mom by phone. She's back to her being sweet phase. Which means she got what she wants. But will lash out if we push her. I've also accepted the help my BIL is providing. He's Mom's favored one right now and is "taking care of things." and I'm happy to let him. He will get burned eventually.
I am taking two brothers to see her Saturday for Mother's Day. We are all dreading it. And yet we are going. I'm curious what we will talk about on the drive home after visiting with her.
Coping with your difficult older parent: A guide for Stressed Out Children.
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Hi... Don't be hard on yourself... I know how mean family members can be and how you can feel like a target. As my counselor says... "It's their problem(s) from their upbringing" (that makes them that way)... My mother lives with me... and, there is rarely a time I can do anything right... she doesn't even think I can boil water... and, thinks she's the queen of the kitchen... so, after so many years (in my new kitchen... that I paid for)... I pretty much stay out of it when she's around... I know walking on eggs isn't easy... a lot of us here on this site know this drill... Try to turn this around (books from the library, etc.) so you can save your health... I know it's a slow process... but, you're ok... not any different than anyone else... Hang in there with us ok?
Of course mom was never diagnosed with more than clinical depression and anxiety...d*mn that makes me mad! I've always been the 'identified patient' in the family, the scapegoat...but realize now that it wasnt' my fault, just my parents' way of shedding their issues.
She is another person with the other caregivers who come here...Sweet, friendly, kind, and with me, she is COLD...
I'm just tired of it
My mom was given a new anti anxiety drug...she is refusing to take. Wants a print out of what it is. Basically it's that and calm down or go into the dementia care unit. Still waiting for the results of the ct scan too.
I wonder is there a point where anybody with dementia can mimic the behaviors for NPD/BPD, and could possibly even pass an eval. I know the hospital up here wouldn't put mom in the psych ward for her behavior last night because of the dementia. Sadly, the ER couldn't find a medical reason to keep her other than blood sugar over 250.
I am convinced my mom is a robot under her skin. Anybody else would be dead from the decades of strong prescription drugs she's had, the strokes, the diabetes, the reduced liver & kidney function, and living at such a high strung, high anxiety level for 76 years. A regular human couldn't exist like this.
This past two weeks has been helpful for me, but jarring. I see my mother so clearly now. The bad thing is that I find it extremely hard to do anything with her or for her. The good thing is she just moved to an IL place and is getting government benefits and a little money from my BIL (who hasn't been burned by her yet), so I am free to let go of things now. What's so frustrating is how much of a struggle I am having with letting go. The old pattern is still there, the old pull to take care of them.
I do live 3 hours away from her and 2 hours from my siblings. I have not called or talked to my Mom in 5 days and the guilt tells me it has been longer. None of us kids is able to do much at all. I think my sister, whose buttons were recently triggered and is in the Mom needs help phase right now, is helping Mom. But I don't really know. I don't know if its better if I minimize communication or try to keep lines open with sis to keep tabs.
Tonight I'm feeling especially conflicted. Oh well.
Things have gotten much worse now that my mother is elderly, widowed, has health problems and expects to get help.
I just got home from being at the hospital for the past 5 hours for mom, who told a health worker at the AL center she was going to jump out the window. That is no joke, so they hauled her in to the ER where she found herself being interviewed by a psych and social worker. When they came to talk to me, eventually the social worker asked me if I would go get Stop Walking On Eggshells. Mom has borderline personality disorder. I already have that book!! BPD and NPD are frequently found together. The psych ward wont take anybody with dementia, but the orders are to get her a geriatric psychiatrist, which I will coordinate.
As big of a pain in the a55 tonight was, I am doing a happy dance. I feel like I must won something vecause somebody credible figured this out in a couple hours. I was right!!!!
Nobody lectured me about how mom's problems are all my fault and if I would just do xyz differently, she'd be ok. They didn't act shocked when I told her story of growing up, and my story of growing up with her bratty stunts. Mom was in the stabilization room thinking she was fooling everybody and not fooling anybody. She was also picking at her skin and scratching like she has chicken pox. The doctor seemed to think it was more about anxiety than a medical problem.
I think he's onto something.
The social worker asked mom if she'd learned any lessons tonight! I almost laughed out loud.
Smith - mine does the same thing too - while I am talking she interrupts and then says I am interrupting...um...I was talking. If I just let her talk - she would never stop...and then talks over me. I just stopped playing that game too - doesn't go anywhere, as she isn't listening to a thing I say. I have set her up with email - which at least I can write what is important without being drowned out. I think that you need to see about living elsewhere to save your sanity...if you can - or is she at the point of asst living?
Most mornings I try to wait until close to noon to see her. generally her hangover has lifted, her meds have kicked in and she has had something to eat. Go before 10 and watch out!