How do I enforce the no driving rule and the no guns rule?

Oh yeah, when there never is the right thing to say, when your feet are cut and sore from "walking on eggshells" all the time,

it's time to LEAVE.

no one is worth my mental health. NO ONE!

I hear you about memtal illness the trouble they can fool lots of people only one NP picked up on it with my husband he was able to fool everyone one else by I was joking the docs wanted to beleive him -it made their job easier-getting away is the smart thing to do without you others will finally see he is mentally ill.

When I realized that nothing I ever said was the right thing, that no matter what I said was the wrong thing, that was the end of my marriage of 24 years and three children. Not dementia, just mental illness. Getting away taught me that it wasnt me. DDifferent situation, same hard road.

I wish I could think so clearly as you do, virtualhorizon. I just don't seem able to say the right thing. Seems like I always end up saying something that makes the situation worse instead of better. Thx for the support.

I'm sure the gun safe idea would work for any type of weapon. As far as the key to the safe, tell a fiblet if you have to and say you lost them. I know that sometimes its hard to do things that you know are for the best, because of the backlash you might receive, but you need to remember that the things you're doing ARE for the best. I don't know how good or bad his memory is, but its possible after a period of time he won't even remember about the guns. We've had a situation with my Dad that might be an example. He is 79 years old, but he has forever been concerned that he needs to go to work (retired from two jobs 40 years and 16 years ago respectively) and that if he doesn't the police will come get him and put him in the stockade! The other day he said that he needed to call his place of work and let them know he wouldn't be back and for them to throw away his paperwork. I told him that I would call the employer and let them know that he wouldn't ever be back on the job. When I saw him the next morning he asked about it (see, still remembers some stuff!). I told him I called the employer, told the office that he wasn't ever able to return to work, and that they said they'd file his paperwork away for a year in case he changed his mind, and would destroy it after the year was over. He was satisfied and happy with that (until he remembers he needs to go to work again and starts all over!). The point is, sometimes you just have to do things for the AD patient for their own good, whether they like it or not, and put up with what will probably be short term consequences from them.

Fairydust...
Already suggested using "dummy rounds"--which cannot do any "flash-bang"--they're just for show.
Bad idea, those "Blanks" you suggest, Blanks DO make "flash-bang", and can do harm if close enough.

I'm not sure this has already been suggested but would it be possible to steal all his ammunition and replace it with blanks?

find the electronic control unit of the car. ( on board computer ). crank all of his ammunition into the ecu and you have effectively solved both problems. youre welcome..

I wish I knew...he has never been physically abusive although he has said things that hurt a lot. This disease has made him someone I don't know. It is very discouraging. Thank you for caring.

Scared; I respect your ability to keep yourself safe, but you keep writing things that seem to indicate that you are in an abusive situation. "how I'd ever keep the keys away from him". Say, "no, the keys are not available". What reaction would that bring? If the answer is something that is scary, dangerous or incompatible with your health and well being, you need to be elsewhere, or else he does. I admire your bravery in staying this long.

It's an idea, but it would still give him access because I don't know how I'd ever keep the keys away from him. It is a very scary situation. We have another dr appt for next week to address the issues...the OT-ist is pushing hard. I've had conversations with the local police, too. I am not looking forward to next Thursday.

virtualhorizon,
that was a great idea--the locked safe for the guns, and you taking the key! Works for small guns, anyway...wonder if that might work, somehow, with a larger gunsafe, or cabinet, with a lock on it, for larger guns?

My mom and I had to take the car keys away from my dad about three years ago. He was once the most careful driver I'd ever known, but over the last four or five years that he drove, I didn't want to be in the car with him. He drove too close to the curb or to the center lines, went through a red light while I was in the car with him, and he lost what little sense of direction he had to begin with! Then about three years ago he and my mom bought a new car. My mom and I went shopping for it (which should have been a tip-off that something was wrong; he always shopped for his own cars), and once we brought it home he asked me to sit in the car with him while he tried it out and made sure he knew where everything was. He ran over the curb after just going a block or two. I told my mom he couldn't drive any more. She agreed. From that day on I began to drive them everywhere they needed to be. If I couldn't be there for some reason, my husband drove them. Surprisingly my dad never complained. I think he felt deprived for a little while, but that went away. There comes a point when the keys have to be taken away, whether the person with AD likes it or not. A lady in a support group I attend still allows her husband with early-stage AD to drive even though he was involved in an accident. We've all told her that she needs to do whatever she has to do to keep him from driving, even if it means lying to him and saying the doctor won't allow it. Folks who continue to drive are a danger to themselves and others. As far as guns go... My dad had a pistol that he got from his own dad years ago. He kept it in his bedroom, sometimes loaded, sometimes under the pillow while he slept! One day I took a small lock box I had to my parents house - one of those fireproof safe-like boxes. We made sure the gun was unloaded (I didn't even like holding the thing!) and we put it in the lock box. The box is still at their house. I took the key home with me. Dad doesn't miss the gun and I feel relieved knowing that its locked away.

Thank you so much...I know you are right...baby steps, one day at a time, etc. I am trying to come to grips with it all, but you are so right about focusing on one thing at a time. I am trying to prioritize which is something I've always been good at. Now that skill seems to have left me! There are so many things to think about, so many options to consider. I just need to focus. I have slept better the last 2 nights so I am thinking more clearly today. Thank you for caring enough to help. this site is so helpful. I am glad I found it.

Chimonger is wise. Listen.

Scared,
Maybe you are familiar with what it feels like, when a room is totally messed up--overwhelmed, it is real hard tlo tell where to start.
It is easier to sit and go into a fetal position, or walk away to a place less confusing!
This is when our ability to prioritize is faltering, the mess is so big, it all looks alike, and all of it is "yelling equally loud".
When something is totally messed up, overwhelming, we just have to start somewhere...taking small steps, maybe.

Look at the list of possibles I posted, and others post.
Pick one or 2 things that look more possible for you to try.
Then do one of them.
It's kinda like starting in on one corner of a messed room, and just focusing on that one corner...do that, then what is nearby that now cleared corner.
Baby Steps.

I have been in work situations that got so dire, simply the act of calling other job lines, and lerning there was even one other potential job, was such a relief, I almost stopped going forward....I found myself, after one more week, doubting my stress, thinking, "I'm just tired; if I get some sleep, things can get back to normal....oh, wait...hold it! There is no normal here! I HAVE to leave this job, and get elsewhere, or this will kill me! " Within a week more, I had got that other job, and left the bad one. But by then, I was nearly "walking dead" from stress.
Point is, I had to take one step--calling job lines, in that instance.
That lead to a bit of feeling relief--enuf to think a tiny bit more clearly.
That lead to awareness of how serious things were.
That lead to getting the next job.
Baby Steps.

You can do that, too. Baby Steps.
One thing at a time, each one providing a bit more personal empowerment--which it sounds like you really need!
For instance, starting where you are, right now, you could get someone to help disable the guns so they don't fire. One thing.
OR, you could call the police, to report that your spouse may become violent, and has guns, and you fear that if the guns are removed, he will harm you or someone else.
OR, your first step might be gathering facility brochures.
OR, it might be doing what you can to garner control of enough finances that you can handle things if things get bad....tucking away money you can rely on in emergencies, that he cannot find, and that is NOT in the bank joint account.
It might be getting a POA--though, it sounds like you might need help getting that, at this point.
You might try putting the assets in your name, or transeferring them--but you might need help.
It might be contacting the local Area Agency on Aging, and asking questions.
Infoermation is power.
You need more information, and you have to get it---It helps you feel better, for simply doing that. REALLY.
Baby steps!

3. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. - Eleanor Roosevelt
When someone takes over the care of an ailing family member, they often adopt what is referred to as the "fix-it" mentality. Caregivers risk exhausting themselves, trying for years and years to resolve problems that have no solutions. In addition to the sage advice you'll get from your fellow caregivers on the AgingCare.com Forum, we also have articles that can help you learn how to be content with doing the best you can with what you have.
Read more.
This is from today's Caregiver Forum Newsletter.

There is a great piece on this site about how caregivers alomst always try first the "fix it" tactic for problems that have no solution. I"ve been down this road; so have many others in this group. There is no "fix" for this, but what we call "work arounds". Think of them as detours on the path to a better place. If you're in neutral, ease up on the brake and inch forward. All of my prayers and with you.

Thank you, Chimonger, for your kind words of encouragement and caring. I can't disagree with anything you have said. I am trying; I really am. It's just so hard for me because I guess I, too am in a form of denial....I know I can't fix any of this, and I know I can't make it go away, but I can't seem to move forward, either. I'm kind of stuck in neutral, revving my "take care of me first" engine, and am afraid to take my foot off the brake! Thx for the encouragement!

Scared,
My heart goes out to you! Isolation is more common than many know.
It can be compounded badly, caring for someone who "helps" isolate the caregiver yet more--the mind games & behaviors can be epic, while not leaving any "physical damages". It can cause the caregiver feel trapped & lost, at a loss for direction or help, & can cause a caregiver to lose their own mental/emotional stability.

There are numerous possibles to contact for help:
Churches, Senior Centers; Dementia Daycare centers, Social Services, even calling the police to report problems, or, if you are feeling terribly low, and desperate, the Suicide Prevention line listed in the phone book or online.

But at top of list: Area Agency on Aging--more easily found than the daycare or senior centers, especially if in a rural area..
They have connections to helping agencies, free legal help, or finding someone to do in home help, etc.
---in home help can be done under guise that "this is a friend of mine who is visiting today". You can specifically request help that has skills dealing with anger-management issues in those with dementias.

You can use a prepay cell phone, out walking about outside, or, go to friends or neighbor's to call, & ask help to find resources and facilities, explain your circumstances:
--that you don't feel safe calling from home,
--you fear retaliation by your confused spouse
--make sure it is NOT one of his buddies, though!
You can say "we're having phone problems",
--and make sure to disconnect the home phone or disable it.

You can use the computer to find help, too. Here you are!
Libraries have computers you can use, too.
Heck, a Library can even help you find information and options!!
[[ours does, for free!]]

You can visit facilities, & pick up packets of information from them, while out driving around.
If DH is with you 24/7, you can say you are getting that information for a friend...

You can tour low-income apartments, if you need to create your own place in the world. Libraries can help with that, too--or else DSHS [welfare] can give you a list of places you might find an apartment.

Understand, MANY women have been controlled, manipulated & isolated by spouses who only care about controlling others--it comes out of their own fears & feelings of inadequacy--which you cannot fix.
==Has he done that, historically, or only since he's been confused?

You CAN deal with this. Many have been down your road!
Only you know what is keeping you stuck.
Only you can choose what to do, to resolve your situation.
Only you can evaluate whether staying with him outweighs leaving.
Plan, poke it full of holes, patch holes, then do that mended plan.
But doing NOTHING, is a recipe for disaster, no matter what.
Determining to make significant changes in your situation, is key to your own well-being. I believe you ARE doing that, even a bit--because you chose to post here.

YOU ARE WORTHY of good consideration, decent treatment, safe home, caring friends. If you cannot do that for yourself, you need help:
You can start with a licensed Counselor, to learn more about yourself, and learn better coping skills. You can often find ones who are willing to negotiate a low-cost out-of-pocket fee. Keep calling, keep asking.
If needed, see a Doctor to see if it is appropriate to use meds to help you resolve issues & help yourself do better.

People post good information, and are very supportive, here.
It's up to you to see how that fits your circumstances, & what questions you ask.
PLEASE Keep us posted!!

Scared; I'm getting more and more worried about you each time you post. Are you totally isolated from the community/church/townspeople/postal carrier in your home? Are you unable to leave your husband alone for a couple of hours to go food shopping, etc? If this is the case, this is even more of a problem than the guns and the car. It's starting to sound to me like you are seriously depressed; one of the effects of depression is that it depresses our problem solving abilities. You need to go to your family doctor and get yourself evaluated for depression, etc. Start there and please continue to tell us what is going on.

You are right. I know I have to do something...I just don't know how to get it done when my husband is here 24/7 and I have no family or friends to turn to. No one should have to live like this.

That is a great info,
--that insurance will not pay if one of the involved drivers has any form of dementia...and that everything could be lost....I didn't know that!
[[will take that under advisemenet for future referrence! ]]

As for gun parts:
Rifles have bolts that could be removed--they slide out for cleaning.
Pistols have a cylinder that can be removed, or, have a bullet cartridge that can be removed.
But those are visibly, obviously missing pieces.
Another [obvious but easier] method is to get a trigger lock for each gun.

NON-obvious disabling of guns requires knowledge of disassembling guns to clean them:
Remove the firing pins, OR
disable operation of the trigger by removing the linkage,
the guns still look intact, but can't fire.

IF you do NOT know how to handle guns very well, get someone who is, to help you!!!

Remove all "live" bullets to a locked place he cannot get to.
Replace only a token box or two of bullets with "dummy" rounds.
He can put those in the gun, but they cannot "go boom".

Meanwhile, it sounds like you need to be actively =looking= for dementia or Alzheimer's care unit for him to move to, NOW.
If he has even hinted at becoming violent, he will likely need to be admitted to one of these, fairly soon, for both of your safety's sake.

I had a similar situation with my Dad when it came to driving. In the intervention, he was told that if he did have an accident while under a dementia diagnosis, he stood to lose everything financially - it would have left his family uncared for. When this was explained, he did give up his keys - but wasn't happy about it. At least he understood.

As far as the guns go, can you just remove the bullets from the house?

Still waiting to hear back from the clinical psychologist's office about an appt because the one the dr recommended doesn't take Medicare, and I sure can't afford counseling! Things have been quiet the past few days, thank goodness, so I am hoping and praying I can maintain the calm until we get some answers. Thank you all for your comments and caring!

FYI: info from a military ammunition storage specialist:
Dummy bullets have --zero-- explosive charge in them--they are for looks only.
Blanks have a flash/bang charge that at proper distance should be harmless,
BUT, CAN, and have, caused injury and death if the flash/bang is too close to the targeted person.
A confused mind would still recognize the bullet shape, but, wouldn't be able to do anything but hold it, or put it into a gun--a dummy bullet will not fire.
BUT, better to remove critical parts from each gun--that assures they cannot be fired.
But the gun is still there to see--which lets anyone else in the house "off the hook" at least a bit. ...until they get mad at the missing parts or stoopid bullets not working!

My husband's primary doctor told me he shouldn't be driving as even an accident is not his fault the insurance would not pay when he has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. His neurologist at first said she didn't want to take away his license because that was his last stance of independence and she doesn't like taking it away too soon as long as I was always in the car with him. Because I did tell both that he was a very safe driver and never made any judgement mistakes. My problem was he had no idea where we were going and I would have to keep telling him what lane to be in and repeat so many times where we were going and how to get there and it made me a wreck to be in the car. Finally one day when he was in the shower, I removed his car keys from his ring and the following day we went to the DMV to turn in his license (even though he really didn't understand what we were doing and frequently forgot that the doctor said he shouldn't drive and that he no longer had a license). It's been a few months and still he will ask "are you driving?" and I'll just say yes. He sometimes try to open the car lock with the house key and I will tell him that he's not supposed to drive anymore. In the 18 years we've been married I don't think prior to this illness I drove with him in the car more than 2 or 3 times. He always did the driving and I am sure this was a major issue with him to have me drive him around. But with time, it is getting easier and he does seem to be getting ok with the idea.
I am very sorry though that you fear him. That is something that had been bothering me too wondering if he would ever get that way (so far it's not happening). I think removing the bullets is a great idea at least. I would think as the illness gets worse, he's not going to remember what you do anyway?
Hang in there....

correction, "no one with either of these"

Dear Scared; You refer to "the disease"; I assume that you are speaking of dementia or Alzheimer's. Noone with either of these as a diagnosis should have access to firearms. You may not feel threatened at the moment, but be aware that folks with either of these can be mercurial and turn on a dime, against a loved one. Prevent a tragedy; figure out how to disarm or get rid of the guns. Hugs, and my prayers are with you. Ba8alou

I'm not a gun expert, but I think blanks can kill too. I rememer years ago an actor, who was goofing around, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. It was a blank and it killed him. So maybe at a distance they don't, but how close is too close, if you're aiming at someone and you're fighting?