Can you get sick (emotionally, physically) from years of caregiving?

golfbhard and hoping....both of your notes have really touched me and I indentify with each of you so much. It will be 8 years on the 28th of this month that my mother had a stroke..and I've been there almost every day since. My aunt used to go visit with her one day a week...she is able to stay alone at times with her 'medic alert' pendant..but, I call first thing every morning and spend every afternoon there. I have POA, do all her errands, banking and grocery shopping...and spend every afternoon with her. If she needs me in the mornings, I am there. I understand how you feel...I feel that my life has become so fragmented that I no longer enjoy any of the things that once gave me pleasure. I have heartburn daily...high blood pressure...high cholesterol...and I feel powerless to get any of it under control. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I feel guilty because I sometimes dream of what life was like before the stroke...and I can barely remember what it's like to be on control of my own life...it's all been put on hold. I don't have any siblings...so at least there is no one to be angry at for not helping. I am not sure why I am even telling you this...probably because it's always good to know that someone cares and someone understands. I understand where each of you are coming from. I love my mother dearly...and I want her to be here. If it were in my power to make her whole and independent again, I would. But, I feel that all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other each day....and hope that I have the strength to last. Thanks for listening...and I am so sorry that you are going through what you are going through. When my mother had the stroke, I knew that her only chance to survive was to get her back into her own space...she doesn't want to be in my house...as I have pets and she doesn't like animals in the house. So, I just keep on...and hope that I can hold out and not give out.

I can only imagine how you feel Meowserkat, you do lose your place in life. I know you love your mom but at least you are not suffering the added abuse. We all want the best for our mom's but you have to find a way to get your life back. Home healthcare is an option if she needs attention. If she is well enough to function then there are daycare centers also where she can go and interact or get some kind of activity so at least you can rest assured. Do not feel guilty, I have that and that can really wear a hole in your heart. I have a family with kids that need me and if I'm not there for them then what ? We have to take care of ourselves and I don't think God would want us to do this to ourselves. You will find a way. Keep the faith and your mother will get through this with or without you. In God's Hands.

to Golfhard, you are doing way to much and yea the poop is making you sick. You are in need of help yourself. Don't neglect yourself, get some help if she has medicare they pay for home visits get a break and let them help you, or hire someone to come in and help out with her. Like a babysitter for seniors, check your local community help programs and call the doctor, ask a lot of questions and find the right people...they are out there.

Yes, you must take care of yourself. I ended up in the hospital for 9 days, suffering from physical and emotional exhaustion during the time I was taking care of my husband. I had to put him in an assisted living home. Your mother needs more help than you can give her now. It's time to let go and let others take care of her. Don 't be surprised if you feel guilty. Most people do when they go through this. Go online and look for caregivers support groups in your area. You will find out that you are not alone and that many others have gone or are going through the same situation. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty, dear lady. And don't be surprised if you get flack from your family members who are not willing to help you take care of your mother. That is very common, so try not to let it upset you. God bless you, sweet lady.

Of course you can. You start to suffer from caregiver burnout as soon as you begin. I have difficulty getting over colds due to a weak immune system, which is one of the signs of caregiver burnout. Of course you suffer both emotionally and physically. It definitely takes its toll as it is by no means no easy job. :-) W

I agree with mommag..terrimerritts...I hate when people think they know something about an illness lets say asthma and they have never had asthma. I have asthma and stress and unhealthy living environments play a major role in keeping things under control. The more stressed I am the worse myasthenia a going to be. Please do not let the one comment put guilt on you, when you were a baby you acted like a baby but then you grew out of those things, your mother is not a baby and will not out grow such behavior it will more than likely only get worse. Please take care of yourself and get the help your mom needs. My mother will start seven years in a NH in September she enjoys being there. It will take one getting use to on both of you but it is the best for you both. Keep us updated.

My mom could be a monster and she has damaged our relationship beyond repair. I was her one daughter caregiver and one of my brothers helped out too, but it was me she took her anger and rage out on and for absolutely no reason, in fact I was overly nice to her even taking her on family vacations that she would ruin. I hope I never do to my kids what she has done to me. I forgive her but cannot forget how badly she treated me and still does. All I ever wanted was a loving mom. My grandmother , who was her mom, was more of a mother to me, kind and understanding, a true saint. I learned so much love from her. I don't understand how my mom could have turned out this way , she doesn't seem to like anyone ...

toughlife I keep trying to explain. I was told my posts are too long and I need to slow down and spell better. I have dementia and it is progressive. I told my daughter to put me in a home the minute I become abusive to her or my grandchildren. because that is not me anymore and do not regret putting me in a home where professional people can care for me-come visit please if I am nice but I want to be remembered as good not ugly or mean spirited which happens to some demented people. we cannot help it, it is a disease. It sounds like you have always had problems with your mom so don't hope to reconcile now-love her and forgive her and let her go now. She will only get worse.

toughlife,
It is SOoo painful to have a parent who cannot be what they needed to be.
Mine is like that. I also know, that there are LOTS of people from previous generations, who managed to skate through life able to avoid getting properly diagnosed and treated for mental illnesses, just as Mom managed to do.
It has also been common to allow people to deny substance abuse issues.
Mom behaves bipolar, has symptoms of split personality, has had several brain injuries, and uses substance to excess [with age, it takes far less to cause bad behaviors to escalate!]
Worse, the abusive behaviors she has increasingly shown with age, have roots going back at least 3 generations in her side of the family.

Parents with mental and behavioral illnesses can cause irreparable damage to family relationships, and to the kids they use badly.
It is common for one child to be the usual target, while others are used differently, manipulated so thoroughly, they fail to recognize what is happening, only recognizing a few overt symptoms--and so they frequently contribute to the continued and expanded abuse of a targeted kid.
Worse, it can worsen over time.

There are many causes of bad behaviors, but getting the [now aging] parent evaluated for mental health issues, as well as for brain injuries, is very important, as these can help them and anyone needing to take care of them.
Getting them to allow being evaluated is terribly hard, and can be traumatic.
Getting them to accept treatment can be difficult, too.
They usually desperately fear getting a "psych" label.

IF siblings help the parent refuse evaluation and treatment, things are further complicated.
This is how things are in my family.

It has taken me a lifetime to recognize what games have been being played. To finally prevent her causing further damage, I had to cut off most communication with that part of my family.
It took a lifetime to recognize, those in this life that have caused me such pain, ALL have substance abuse issues of one sort or another.

I pray that anyone needing it, can get whatever help is needed, to place your elder in proper care facility, to get help in your healing!

Well said Chimonger. Love, Cattails

Chimonger...thanks for putting these thoughts in my head. At this point, with my mother, it is a bit late to change things...it is more like we just have to see it through and help her along the way (my own guess is that she is stage 6 of Alzheimer's), the doctor still just calls it dementia. It is so strange to me that my mother was diagnosed about 10 years ago with dementia/atrophy of the brain (she is 89 now) but never accepted it in the beginning. If I would try to discuss her diagnosis, etc. she would just say "ha ha, you like to call me demented". She had it in her head that she was normal (in denial, most likely). I have taken her to the doctor every 6 months over this 10 year time frame and she never showed an interest in her illness; no inquiring, nothing...just hello, how are you? Menohardy, it impresses me that you are so aware and willing to know what is happening with yourself. I suppose she had signs and symptoms earlier on and we just let her be because she was living alone, doing her art, coping with the fact that she didn't drive; neighbors and myself would help her A LOT to get groceries in, go to the doctor, get to church. I always would get her to our home for holidays and such. I guess she never told the doctor of any of her anxiety and emotional problems. My 3 brothers always lived out of town, state or country for that matter. She was always a nervous wreck when someone was coming to stay with her, such as her son's, their wives and children. She always made things unpleasant and nerve racking with her sense that everyone was bringing in germs and dirt (never diagnosed or treated OCD) She has never been the adored grandmother due to this behavior and inability to be really close to someone. I always lived in town and she was used to me and my little girls coming over but I will never forget the year that we moved away (just for one year) and we came to visit a few times and the last time I said I was coming, she told me she didn't want me to come...I was shocked! I have been looking after her since my dad died in 1982, had seen her through several eye surgeries and injuries from falling and breaking her fingers and was always there for her. Oh, well, long story short, we moved back "home" and close to her and I picked up where I left off. She just kept getting worse and worse with her memory and one day she fell in her home and fractured her pelvic bone and there began the transition from hospital, nursing home and to my home. The doctor in the hospital said he couldn't believe that she was living alone. I think the chaos from the fall and hospital stay and pain meds made her dementia more evident. Anyway, thanks for letting me babble! I don't know who I helped besides myself by chatting! lol I have to remember that my dad was an alcoholic and maybe my mother was shell shocked from him (he died when she was 59, I was 22). I think her self esteem improved after that but she probably needed counseling which she never went for. She just prayed a lot, which I know is helpful, but sometimes people need to reach out to "fix" things. I am grateful for all of my agingcare people :)

mommag - I am in a similar situation in some ways, though mother is very well physically for her age (100)., She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few years ago, but no treatment was recommended, that I know about. Her paranoia is getting worse but she functions well in most ways. She is in an ALF, has adequate care, and I can't see the point of further assessment as long as she is managing. Should there be a change for the worse, then it might be advisable. Mother is completely in denial about her mental/emotional proboems and always has been - it is everyone else's fauit. She would be hugely upset to be assessed and would refuse to cooperate. What would be the benefit?

Emjo...yes, when we go to the doctor, he just shakes his head and says to me that I am doing everything I should and can do. There was a time where I thought I could change things but now I just carry on. I take care of her needs and go back into my part of the house and deal with my family and surroundings. It is almost easier now that I know she can't or won't get out of bed by herself...I don't have the fear of her falling. I would put her in a nursing home but we have the problem of her not having Medicare (I don't know if I have mentioned this before)...it is hard to find an opening at a good nursing home that will take a Medicaid-only patient and then I know I would spend a lot of time there anyway and I wouldn't be free completely until she passed on. Which brings to mind...I can't believe your momma is 100! Wow!

yes, mommag, she had several celebrations, and family came from across Canada. She is the first one on her side to reach 100, Many of them have reached about 95. I think there is one alive in Norway who is in her late nineties. My father had an uncle who lived well up into the 100s. It sounds like you are doing the right things, as long as you are able to manage without it draggin your/your family down

casey - I agree totally that emotionally draining things affect you physically, I have/ have had fibro and CFS too, and the stress of mother does not help that. I have found that if I watch my diet very carefully, I don't get the bouts of pain. A hypoglycemiac diet seems to help - watch the carbs, and always eat protein with them. It is great to be rid of the pain.

golfbhard -we haven't heard any more from you for a while, and I have been wondering how you are doing, and if you are contemplating any changes to better your situation,. The decision as to where your mum is cared for does not rest solely with her, as she is not the only one affected. The decision should take in everyone's concerns.

mommag-I would go thru old posts but so busy-this is menos daughter-is your dad alive? If not your mom should be getting widows benefits or divorced widows benefits which would give her medicare part A&B & d and she would probably qualify for medicaid to pay her deductibles as well as in home care to yourself. You know you qualify for payment if you are not getting it already for taking care of your mother

Menos daughter...thanks for your concern. When I was looking to put mom in a nursing home, I found that they were asking me if she had both medicare and medicaid...and I quickly thought that maybe she didn't apply when she was 65....so I called around and went to the soc. sec. office (had to dragggggg my mom with me) to see what the flagrancy was. It turned out that my dad, who was a U S govt. employee for 20 years (in the Panama Canal Zone), had not put in enough years to medicare. He was short a few years they said...maybe two years. There was no other option that they offered to us...her. She never worked. It is a pretty brutal thought that illegals can get care through our government, but my momma can't. Her Blue Cross Blue Shield Fed. Emp. Plan is pretty good...unless there is a hospital stay or such. I even got them to pay for 6 months of hospice which was highway robbery...hospice charged $150 a day and they only came by once a week and the CNA they sent said she couldn't force my mom in the shower...so I said, oh, well ok...then I will give her a shower...otherwise there would be barnacles growing on her! After the 6 months of hospice which we only got because of "failure to thrive", she gained weight and was deemed inappropriate for hospice. I should do more research...it is just so confusing with the everyday do day existence.

that just is not fair. Were it not for family where do they expect a person to live?
It still doesn't sound right-and like most you didn't think to appeal. She is eligible for some benefits at age 66 regardless-it will be minmum probably but everyone gets Medicare A&B if they have any work history at all. Cal an attorney specializing in SS-they will take the case on a 33% contiongency or file another claim-her husband worked in or for the U.S.? he is eligible and that automatically makes her eligible if she was married for 7 years. At least thats what my ss book says-
Menos hospice wants to charge 2300 dollars a week-they will not take Medicare and his supplemental only pays 20%-the state said they would pay for everything if I sign a lien over to them for all his land, home-I will d it when he no longer understands that the property that has been in our family since 1818-before Texas was even a state-just a territory has to be given up so he can die with a little dignity. and yes-the illegals are like locust-a plague taking everything and sending the rest to Mexico!

Mommag: Even if she doesn't have medicare, if her income is low enough, generally under $2,000.00 per month, she should qualify for Medicaid. I haven't read through all of the posts so if I'm duplicating, please excuse me. Cattails

Meno's daughter: My dad has hospice care and it costs nothing. There are voluntary hospice organizations and other hospice groups that charge a fee. I know you are a very smart woman and probably already know what I am talking about. If you want 24/7 care a week, then maybe it will cost that, but it seems so extreme to me. Don't know what city you live in, but there have to be better options. Sending you love and support and thanking you for all you do for your dad. Wish I could be more help. Cattails

Cattails...hospice will say they charge nothing but they bill medicare for their services....in my mother's case, they billed her private insurance since she didn't have medicare. My mom does qualify for medicaid but there is such an intrusive litany of papers and interviews and since she lives with me and my family, it seems like they (the government) looks at everyone through a microscope. I looked into getting paid for being her care giver and it requires that I have a consultant (as state worker) who comes around every week to check on things, a representative for my mom who cannot me the paid worker, she would need a representative since she is incompetent. Who the heck is going to be the representative of me who is the representative of her...hell, it 's just too confusing.

thank you cattails-you have been great help. I am glad I found this site as I felt so alone until now. I know-when I heard the price I almost fainted. What really got me was the home or Hospice I wanted to put him in I had been taking Meno to visit one of his friends he was in the military with and is dying of cancer. I saw how loving they are and I said when it comes to it I would like to take my dad here-how much? When she told me like I said I almost fainted. I listed his Medicare, Military benefit and other resources and she said we are not licensed for that. Dads friends wife is going to show me the way she got tephen in when we meet for lunch this week.
You have been great help-we live in Texas. Spring, Texas but it may as well be Houston. Thanks again-hugs, Ruth.

Instead of Algebra, Schools should be teaching how to prepare for old age 101-how to help your aged parents legally 101. Our parents worked and saved-put us through school-paifd off the mortgage just in time to get old and then the Gov wants it all or you have to watch your parents yourself-they can't gift their grand children. I just don't understand the process-work hard save your money then what? If you have good credit, nice cars, property, money in the bank you don't qualify. Assisted living? Think if you are eighty you will live there 20 years if you live to be a hundred? better read the fine print.

Golfbhard...sorry we got sidetracked with Medicare and Medicaid - we are still here for you! :)

I believe it is my fault-sorry-menos daughter.

I don't have answers for you, but I do have empathy and want to tell you are such an amazing person to do alllll of this for so long and with a smile.
There are respite services for caregivers, perhaps you can look into those. At the very least you could perhaps enlist some help from a neighbor/friend someone so you can get a nice walk, work in the garden or read for an hour. Good luck and hang in there! You may not feel like it, but you are doing a great job

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. Have not been on here since question was posted. My beloved friend of 33 years passed away of brain cancer. His wife is my most treasured friend and like a sister. All that knew him are devastated.
My mom said she wish it were her instead of him.
I had caregivers in for 3 days. Our mutual friend flew in from Florida and stayed with us.
I think the reason she put the poop in the pillow case is she was in back pain or in her sleep (that is what she said) her and her brother both walked in their sleep a lot as kids. ????? She wasn't being spiteful. She knows what she is putting me through. Just the other night she was going on how she wished she could die because she was such a burden to us. I convinced her she wasn't (lying through my teeth) then she said "well, ok, that makes me feel better.
Then this morning I went into her room and the smell about knocked me over. She had diarrhea and it was everywhere. I was getting ready to take friend to airport 60 miles away and hD to stop clean up the mess give her a bath , change bed clothing and clothes only for me to help her in new depends and it just started running out of her like a hose on low. I almost cried. Had to cleanherup jump in shower and cleaning lady cancelled on me, take my friend to airport. Ca who weigh aching legs,back ,neck. Exhausted I fell asleep.
I am thinking about taking the respite advice. And see if I get any better (1 month). She has nursing home insurance but not 100%. Maybe turn into long term?
Caregiver that came said sounds like I might have fibromyalgia. Symptoms seem same but like RA too. I especially can't think straight or remember very well. Very foggy
If I do place her do you think I can come out of this or am I already permanently stuck with the pains, deep muscle pain, depression, and fog head.
To all of you out there in the same shoes, I thank you again for your comments and concerns. My heart goes out to you too
ALSO that diahrreah had the worst smell I have ever smelt and my sinuses are blocked Sheis usually constipated. Did not eat anything out of ordinary and no abdominal pain.

Have you ever considered hiring an aide to assist you & to give you a break? Does your mother have long-termcare insurance? She may have a LTC policy that you may not be aware of.

It is not a money issue. It is that I thought I could take care of her until she was either impossible to take care of. I thought as long as she knows me and what is going on I could do it I never figured it taking such a toll on my health.
It will devastate her to go to NH. But I may have to start with respite first. If the guilt will let me.

It is not a money issue. It is that I thought I could take care of her until she was either impossible to take care of. I thought as long as she knows me and what is going on I could do it I never figured it taking such a toll on my health.
It will devastate her to go to NH. But I may have to start with respite first. If the guilt will let me.

Sorry double post. Computer slowing down. :(