Emergency need help. What do we do?

Sheri, do you understand that if you have a joint checking account, you can withdraw whatever you need to start over? (As can your husband?)

I think that you need to figure out if you are being used and if so, how to best exit this situation.

Leaving certainly puts the onus back on FiL's family, which is where it should be.

If there is going to be sacrifice, it needs to be shared equally or compensated.

So your husband is just too nice a guy who doesn't know how to say no or put his foot down and let his needs be heard. My bet is he while he knew in the back of his head he was going to end up bringing dad back with him he didn't even admit it to himself, he convinced himself that he was just going to check on dad and the situation to see what needed to be and could be done. When his brother said he just couldn't take dad home...now...and he heard that dad couldn't go home on his own, who knows what place they were in with something needing to happen the day DH arrived even. His brother may be a lot like him or he may know just how to take advantage of DH inability to stand up for himself. He got there and he felt he had no choice, dad couldn't be alone and...well he should have insisted he go to a facility then or get in home care but BIL probably said there wasn't any money for home health, they don't have those ducks in order the way they should and we all know how difficult it is to put out parent in "a home" spur of the moment, no planning, no visiting, no prep emotionally and who knows what Dad was saying. You DH may have been almost as set up as you and the only reason you were left out the way you were was because he didn't know how to say to you I think I'm going to have to bring Dad here at least for a while, there just isn't another choice and he knew you would insist on parameters like him getting POA and control of finances as well as medical and want dates for what happens when and he knows your right but he just didn't know how to make it all happen and give you the answers you wanted. He probably too is a bit of a dreamer, he assumes everything will work out, you will forgive him and go along with it all, things will be fine with FIL living with you, brother will see the need and work with you, he's in a bit of a dream world but I bet things often do work for him... My point is yes it may be a bit passive aggressive but it probably wasn't as underhanded and planned as you think, at least by DH. Is BIL married, maybe she put her foot down. Whatever the case this is what you have now and while you have every right to be pissed, unless this is part of a bigger on going pattern of treating you poorly I'm not sure it's a leave him offense. That's up to you, your marriage but when it comes to out parents...I feel for him. He has known his dad is going down hill and probably been feeling guilty about being so far away and letting the burden fall on his brother, right or wrong yet he doesn't really know what he's getting his family into obviously even though you have tried to warn him.

So if you can let some of the furry go and regroup, take a day or two to yourself if you have to and then set about taking the control you can here. It is not up to you to do all the work and all the care for FIL here, you weren't a part of this family decision and you didn't agree so while you can (and I would) certainly help, you care about FIL I assume and you care about supporting DH but you don't have to take it all on. You have or will have your hands full with DH through surgery, if FIL is going to stay and need care DH and his siblings are going to have to figure out how to cover that. You might be part, you will do the shopping say because you already do, you will make enough dinner for him as well but you don't need to cater to his expectations he needs to fit into your household and life. If he needs a hot breakfast, he can make it, DH or son can YOU don't have to. If you making sandwiches ask if he would like one too, if not, his decision. I'm not sure a POA can appoint a second POA, I think FIL needs to do that so if he is able to do that then both POA & MPOA need to be given to DH even if his bro keeps it too. Then the control over dad's finances and medical needs to be handed over with dad so while he's with you DH is in charge, when he goes back to BIL then he takes over again. Always staying in touch the control goes w

Sheri, two more fairly radical suggestions. First is to open a bank account in your own name, and take funds for it from your joint bank account and from your joint credit card. No need to tell anyone of your plans, that’s the way it works in your family. Having some money in your own account will stop you feeling quite so powerless. Second, see if you can find a friend in another city who will put you up for a week or two. If you leave, even for a few days, the rest of the family will have to think very hard about how ‘big deal’ it all is. You have already established that nothing else will make them think again. Make a stand now while you still have your health, which will be demolished by weeks months or years of forced caregiving.

I think I painted the wrong picture in my haste and frustration. I can honestly say that I don’t know what is the truth about what is happening. FIL is cared for but BIL just doesn’t want the responsibility anymore so his dad ended up at our house. How that came about I wasn’t clued in. By consistent care, I meant a long term care facility of some sort. I believe all his needs are met properly. I’m guessing they don’t want to spend money on long term care at this point. And that could be because of how they see the situation.

I don’t know anything about communications between family members. I get bits of pieces indirectly.

Im looking for support for myself and my emotions. I have to deal with that I was lied to. And I believe based on past behaviors and current comments that this is not a visit. If I had any hope that it was truly a visit it is fading fast. I could manage a visit if I was allowed to be part of the decision making.

I am not dealing with it well. Obviously I didn’t have any time to prepare for it. It just seems so hopeless. I know all the work and stress involved won’t end if it is permanent. So I have seesaw emotions. Is it permanent? Is it a visit? It does no good to ask. This comment sounds like it’s permanent. There are no comments that sound like it’s a visit. On and on. It just seems hopeless.

Ask for a firm date when the "visit" will end.
Sheri don't you communicate with your BIL at all without going through your husband? It seems to me that you need to call him and say that circumstances have changed and you and DH aren't able to care for your FIL so some other arrangements need to be made asap. There is always respite care at a facility if BIL won't step in personally.

I think I painted the wrong picture in my haste and frustration. I can honestly say that I don’t know what is the truth about what is happening. FIL is cared for but BIL just doesn’t want the responsibility anymore so his dad ended up at our house. How that came about I wasn’t clued in. By consistent care, I meant a long term care facility of some sort. I believe all his needs are met properly. I’m guessing they don’t want to spend money on long term care at this point. And that could be because of how they see the situation.

I don’t know anything about communications between family members. I get bits of pieces indirectly.

Im looking for support for myself and my emotions. I have to deal with that I was lied to. And I believe based on past behaviors and current comments that this is not a visit. If I had any hope that it was truly a visit it is fading fast. I could manage a visit if I was allowed to be part of the decision making.

I am not dealing with it well. Obviously I didn’t have any time to prepare for it. It just seems so hopeless. I know all the work and stress involved won’t end if it is permanent. So I have seesaw emotions. Is it permanent? Is it a visit? It does no good to ask. This comment sounds like it’s permanent. There are no comments that sound like it’s a visit. On and on. It just seems hopeless.

First, Sheri, breathe. Take a nice deep breath, hold it for a couple of seconds, and slowly push the air out. Repeat. Repeat again.

Your husband has treated you shabbily indeed. You have every right to feel angry, scared, sad, and frustrated. Your husband lied to you by keeping the truth about his plans from you; he committed a lie of omission. Your husband's behavior and lies are not okay. And, in my opinion, you cannot worry about your husband, his surgery, his diabetes, his doctor's appointments, how he gets to the doctor, or anything like that. Let your son deal with your husband.

You have a serious problem on your hands. You are being abused and so is your FIL. And in the event your husband becomes so irate at you for standing up for yourself and your FIL and becomes violent, call 911 immediately.

The U.S. Department of Justice has a website ELDER ABUSE AND ELDER FINANCIAL EXPLOITATION STATUTES:
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes?field_statute_state=All&field_statute_category=3&page=1

On that website you can look up the laws in your FIL's state of residency.

You can report elder abuse! In other words, you are not helpless because *you* yourself can report BIL for elder abuse and elder financial exploitation.

Also on the U.S. Department of Justice's website, you will find along the left hand side "OLDER ADULTS, FAMILIES, AND CAREGIVERS" where you can find help. Click on the "Find Help and Report Abuse" button, you will find:

For non-life threatening emergencies, call:
Eldercare Locator helpline
1-800-677-1116
or the Victim Connect hotline
1-855-4VICTIM 
(1-855-484-2846)

Report Financial Exploitation
Find the Right Reporting Agency for Financial Exploitation through theElder Abuse Resource Roadmap: Financial

Find elder abuse resources in your state

What FIL's sons have done to him is just plain wrong and might even be criminal. Your husband already lied to you. You don't know what plans he made with his brother. Your grown children can help their father. Step back and protect yourself and your FIL.

Are you saying that you are alone in a house with 1. your FIL with dementia and 2. your husband with a badly broken leg who needs surgery? And you are expected to do all the care for both of them?

Keep yelling. Loudly. As you stated in the thread title, this is an emergency. Your husband is going to need surgery and time to recover.

And when you are eating your breakfast, stay seated unless someone is actually in danger. Begin as you intend to continue, because this is not going to get any easier. Set very clear boundaries around what you are willing to do.

There is only one of you. Are you going to accompany your husband to his surgeries, or are you going to stay home with your FIL?

Someone is either going to have to volunteer for, or be paid for, the other duties.

In my opinion, your BIL with financial POA who can pay for it, need to make arrangements for FIL's care. AND get a house cleaner to clean up his messes.

You say grown children,, plural? I think I understood that but some of this is confusing. Explain to the adult children that you can either take care of their Dad while he recoups, or you can take care of FIL. Which one do they want to take in? And stick to your guns!

Do you have a joint checking account? And an ATM card?

Can you tell us what ails your FIL?

Trust me I am good to my FIL. None of this is his fault. He is the victim of bad or no planning. He has needed consistent quality care since January and it isn’t happening.

FIL lives in another state. BIL lives near him. BIL never took him into his home. He’s tired of helping him but won’t give up financial POA. He has not been sharing any information about FIL’s medical condition with my husband. He only got dual POA for my husb when husb brought FIL to our home.

When husb first mentioned bringing his dad here months ago I said I hope you would include me in a major decision like that. He assured me he would. Well he didn’t. Husb planned this with the brother, told me all week he wasn’t going after his dad. Then husb went to get his dad and phoned me from there that he was bringing his dad here. And told me that he needed help. I said you should have thought of that when you planned this. He got angry. How does that feel? Either I’m an equal partner in this marriage or what? He said the boss. Well I didn’t make the decision.

It has worked exactly like I expected. The BIL won’t take him back even for an emergency. I’m expected to do the work when no one asked me. I was told it was a visit when there are indicators that it’s permanent. Like putting in elevated toilet. For a visit? Aunt texts “I know it will be hard at first” and “how is he adjusting to new environment”. Just peachy that’s how it’s working out /sarcasm. How do you think it’s working when no one asked me? But of course she doesn’t know that and I can’t tell her. Husb acted like he didn’t know his dad had left rehab. I called the facility and he was it registered. Aunt had been keeping us informed when the brother wouldn’t. I told my husb that I was going to contact her to see if she knew if he as discharged. My husb said no and got angry. Turns out they all knew the plan except me and that was why husb didn’t want me to contact her.

My husb will not stand up to the brother. Husb tells me that his dad needs nursing home or assisted living (if they don’t do medical care and meds, would that even be an option). But husb won’t say it to the brother with the power.

I have no money to live on my own. If I get a job it would take time to save for up front fees etc and that is if I could make enough to pay for a place to live. I have nowhere I can go. Sounds like a pity party but I don’t know the answer. It seems there are no options except stay here and do the work.

This is morning FIL wants breakfast cooked. We don’t cook except dinner. So no one noticed I didn’t get to eat my usual piece of toast without interruptions. Same thing happened at lunch. I tried to eat a sandwich and kept getting interrupted. No one noticed. I know many of you have been there and know what I mean.

The house is already upside down and it’s only been a few days.

I can’t do this. I know what it means long term to the caregiver. They are going to waste his money on nickel and dime stuff and then not have the money to put him anywhere. I just don’t know what to do about it. Husb is not even leveling with me about how long it is for. If it was truly for a visit I could get through it (while dealing with feelings of husb throwing me under the bus and lying to me). If it’s long term I can’t do it but what options do I have if I have no money to leave. Now complicate it with husb being injured and the brother won’t take him back. What is the answer? I am planning to call a lawyer tomorrow. But there again I can’t do anything because it’s not my dad and I can’t get husb to listen or act on what lawyer says. So 2 and 2 means I’m pretty much screwed unless husb does something which hasn’t happened yet.

And my husb and gown children disagree with me trying to push for his dad better consistent care that is not in my home with me doing all the work. I know some of you have been there.

I agree with Barb, put FIL in a taxi and have him delivered to BIL COD.

If BIL won't let dad's money be used for dad, I personally would file financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior charges and let him deal with that.

It is dads money until he dies, to be used to provide the best care possible for him. Anything else is criminal and should be dealt with as such.

Or you could get a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to dad's estate, if financial POA ignores it during life, you present it to the estate during probate. Then he has no say, the judge is obligated to pay dad's debts from his estate. That is as long as BIL isn't currently using all the money.

Tough situation for you. I think that your husband crossed a line when he didn't discuss bringing his dad for you to be the 24/7 caregiver. He and the son that think you are overreacting need to step up and take care of FIL. Then see how long they find his presence wonderful. Easy to complain when you are not the one that has just finished cleaning the bathroom for the 5th time today and now you have to go prepare lunch.

I think that the men in your life are spoiled and treat you like a servant not a mother and wife. It's easy to pamper our men when we love them to death, we just don't think about the consequences until a time like this.

Be calm and start handing out chores.

Hugs!

Leaving could be an option.

Is your son an adult? Let him step up and do some caregiving.

Your husband needs to be in the “driver’s seat” since this is his family. Discuss your views with him and not the others. Ask your husband to consult with a lawyer if he does not receive communication or cooperation from his family.

Be kind to your FIL while he is there. (This is not his fault and the situation is short term). This must be terrible for him.

Help your husband cope with the fact that his family is not who he had expected.

Everyone can be nice in the “good times.” You really see who people really are in times of compromise.

I'm having trouble following who is who. DH and FIL, "his dad", and "him". But whatever and whoever, you should not have the entire responsibility for all this. How about you leave?

Who cares what they think of you?

Apparently, you've married onto a family in which women are supposed to do what the men tell them to do?

If FIL's care is " no big deal" then why cant he stay at BIL's?

FIL has a walker, on Coumadin. We don’t have a master bath or bedroom on the first floor. I don’t believe this was for a visit. He wants to lay for us to out in an elevated toilet. I was told a 2-3 week visit.

I had trouble finding someone to stay with him while I went to ER. DH had to go in ambulance. We were there 5 hours.

No no one in the family including DH sees this as a problem. They think I’m the b from hell. DH has to go to the doctor tomorrow. He has to have surgery this week. The doctor said it was a bad break. He’s diabetic.

I think I'd put grand-dad in the car and take him over to BIL's.

Asentence that, call social services, Area Agency on Aging and fil's doctor tomorrow. You need an emergency respite placement in AL due to your husband's medical emergency. Talk to the SW department at the hospital where DH is having his surgery as well. They may be able to help.

You can hire a home healthcare agency using FIL's funds to provide care.

Is DH expecting to come home after surgery and have you care for both him and his dad?

What are your expectations of your son's role during this crisis?