What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

my mum was always bit a different as I can be at times.... instead of arguing with me she should be open and then I would accept it.......

Do you think she may have dementia and is afraid and dosnt want you to know? My mum withdrew from everything last year shopping,going out thats when I knew something serious was wrong? It can seem like depression at first have you spoken to her doctor?

If she clearly wishes for things that are not in her best interest, and refuses to follow doctor's orders, then how can they say she is of sound mind? Remember all you caregivers that everyone has the right to make bad decisions. Sometimes the only thing you can do is back off and wait for a crisis, because there will be one. If they are hospitalized make sure the discharge planner and medical social worker know the score, but even then if they are alert and oriented X3 they can still make bad decisions. Take a deep breath, no one is judging you, support them as best you can and wait for another crisis, eventually because of their own decisions they will have something happen that forces a change. Good luck

I agree Joanne ... I am in that situation and have learned that there is nothing I can do but wait for the hills to turn to mountains...maybe then it will be out of my hands and into the hands of social services, doctors, or God forbid .. the Almighty ...

maybe kazza, but she does go shopping and still goes to the bank and pays her bills.... GP does not suspect anything untoward..... at present the scheme manager moved out of the house attached to sheltered housing to a house around the corner apparantly this is widespread in all sheltered housing now.

she does not seem to like the fact the scheme manager moved as it made her feel safe.... the place she sometimes frequents has been very rude to me on several occasions. social services have been rude to me as well.... joanne and hummingbird your answers are good and as given me something to think about.

but as she has some capabalities she has her hairdresser come once a week as well has it coloured....

she has been told to stay at home with carers..... we will see what happens.... this place she frequents do not like families....

kazza maybe right.

Izzie my mum still shops pays her bills and goes to the bank? she has vascular dementia as for her doc I had to push and push to get her assessed don't always think docs know it all my mums certainly didn't.

I hope its not dementia maybe get her to see a geriatrician that's what I did.

that dump she frequents all they do is take her money and do not care... I am at the point now I agree with hummingbird.... As it is making me ill

Hi Guys! Crisis has happened. I had to call Mum's GP who came with the hour (surprise, surprise) and she is now in hospital.....

mum is now in hospital I called the gp her came out with the hour and she was admitted straight away. She is very ill.

Hope she, and you, get the help you need. Keep us posted

Thanks hummingbird. I put the necessary things in place

mum still very ill. her consultant has had a right go at me for her staying at that place as her gp has. obviously in this instance the doctors that are treating her do not like care homes.

they have agreed with me should would have been better off at home in sheltered housing with people she knows and cared about her.

and carers. and the scheme manager she gets on well with.

they have noticed she can be stubborn.

When I read your experiences, support and love for other caregivers I just think what an honor it is for me to be part of this group. You are so experienced and wise.

I needed to wait until my mom had a fall more frightening to her than many others before I could get her into the care she needed. When it happened, since I was with her daily, I was ready to pounce and "she" made the decision to join my dad at the nursing home where he lived just blocks from me. I hated waiting but knew Mom would resist even though she was unsafe at home. She had a personal alarm, I did her shopping, light cleaning, took her to appointments, helped make special lunches for her friends and anything else I could. However, I had young children at home and other elders needing me. I couldn't be with her 24/7.

She wasn't in the fix than many of the stories on this page talk about, however the idea is similar. Sometimes, all we can do is wait until they scare themselves into cooperating at least for awhile - then make the move. It's agony waiting. The next step (setting up care and the adjustment) isn't exactly fun, either. But often no one - doctors, attorney's, social workers, family members, friends - can get cooperation. The advice you have for one another here is life sustaining for many.

Keep helping each other, caregivers. You are the best,
Carol

All of us that have parents with dementia are facing similar problems. We certainly behaved better when we were their children, right? I do have to mention that my mother, who has had dementia for 6 years, is extremely funny. She doesn't make sense at times, gives appropriate answers and askes funny questions.....for instance...my two sisters, brother, brother in law and myself were visiting (4 cars in the driveway)...my mother can see out the window...out of no where she says "did you guys know there are a bunch of cars in the driveway..are you giving me a surprise party". So, while we fret and worry about them, they are in some ways, healthier than we are. I see no worries in my mothers eyes..her smiles are genuine and cannot understand why we look so stressed. Remember... humor can be a part of this awful sickness if you let it.

mum's gp has right go at me for her staying at that home when she would have been better off at home with carers and has asked me why she would want to give up everything she has worked for when there is absolutely need and her consultant has asked me why she would turn on her family and friends for no reason? I have told both of them they will have to ask her.

her doctors that are treating her do not like care homes it is obvious.

I am now in serious trouble as it does not look good at all. Mum refused carers help from social services and outer care agencies and still tried to attend to herself. She has evidence of self neglect because she has not been capable and the place she stayed at said she was not entitled to an ambulance because she was not a full time resident and that I had no right to send her GP to see her at the home. If I had not have intervened goodness knows what would have happened.

It does not look good.

My 82 year old mother is still living independently, but her COPD is at a stage where she can no longer walk very far without losing her breath, even with her oxygen. She no longer drives by choice, but her reliance on my sister and I to take her shopping, doctor's appointments and housekeeping is becoming difficult. We both work and live quite a distance. She refuses to look into alternatives for anything. All she wants is to stay in her home until she dies and rely only on us for whatever her needs are and will become. As DPOA, I am dreading having to make choices she does not want. She has the finances to hire additional help. There is inexpensive transportation that will accommodate her needs. She does hire the next door neighbor for house maintence, yardwork and snow shoveling, but their availability is limited. Forget assisted living or senior housing, she will not move. She flatly told me no nursing home. My sister offered to move in with her and help out, but my mother does not want my sister's handicapped son coming with her. My other sister offered for her to live with her and so has my son, nope mother doesn't want that either. I am not an option and that is the only one my mother wants. She is competent to make decisions, but choses not to and live as if nothing will ever change until she dies. I live each day with dread to when her situation will change for the worse and it will be on my shoulder's to make choices for her she does not want. I understand where she is coming from, but it is so unfair to do nothing but wait for whatever happens without any planning on her part.

My Mother is 89 years old, frail from Osteoporosis which means that she can't lift her head up, her neck is painful, and she is bent over. She lost some hearing which also affects her balance, but refuses to get hearing aids, She is totally blind in one eye, and her vision is going in the other eye. She has to use many eye drops each day. She is very smart, highly intelligent, no dementia at all, she is extremely "set in her ways," or you may call it being stubborn. This is another way of saying - she is very selfish. Here is the reason why: She insists on being "independent" and still lives all alone in her 3 Family House that my parents bought in 1968. My Dad passed away in 2009. She lives on the North Shore of Massachusetts, in Chelsea, which has a very high crime rate. Her house was recently broken into - in the middle of a sunny day. The male intruder broke down her door. As usual, my Mother was home alone, and talked her way out of being assaulted or worse. She was so lucky, she told the man that her son was coming soon, so he left without hurting her. She refused to call the police, because she said - it would be too much trouble to answer all their questions, and she didn't want them in her house. My Dad neglected home maintenance for years, so the house needs a lot of work. My Mother could not get him to fix anything around the house. I am 61 years old and married. My husband is 65 and is partially disabled from the injuries he suffered when he was a Firefighter. He is retired on a small pension, and was denied Accidental Disability Insurance, since he is not fully disabled. He can't do the things he used to do around our house. We had to hire landscapers to do the mowing, and leaf clean up, which costs a lot of extra money, which we really can't afford. We live in Holliston, MA, the Metrowest area, 30 miles away from my Mother's house. It takes us about an hour to get to her house. My brother is 59 years old, married, and lives a half mile from my Mother, about 5 minutes away. So you may see where this is leading. My Mother refuses any outside help, so her house always gets dirty, she can't see the dirt, and drops food on the floor. We all pitched in and redid one of the first floor apartments for her, gave her brand new appliances, some new furniture, it's very clean and pretty. We did not want her going up and down the stairs to her upstairs apartment, because she already fell down on those stairs, and it was a miracle that she didn't break any bones. So, my Mother still stays upstairs in the bigger apartment, which now has no furniture, no fridge or stove, and she sleeps on one dirty old sofa which she wanted to keep upstairs. The point of moving her downstairs was to avoid all the stairs. So what does she do now? She goes up and down the stairs, all day, getting her mail, and some food from the fridge and bringing it upstairs to eat, she still has a tiny table and some old chairs. She eats only crackers, and toast with coffee, nothing else. She says she loves where she lives, that Chelsea is a wonderful city and the people are so nice and wonderful. However, she never sees anyone, she is alone 24/7, she has no friends, the neighbors never check in with her. Her younger sister lives close by, but she has many health problems of her own, and does not even call my Mother. BUT (I just love this) she refuses to go to the Chelsea Senior Center, because she thinks that the Seniors who go there are so "low-class" and ignorant, she is too smart to associate with them. In addition to all this: Her Eye Specialists said she needed the Association of the Blind to help her out. So they came to her house, and she hated them. She said they are very low-class people, they are pests, and they wanted to come back to her house to help her out some more, so she got rid of them. They gave her a reading aid, a magnifier, which she put in the closet, and refuses to use it. I can go on and on. She found out that I wanted to have a family get-together /BBQ this past summer, at my house. So, my Mom insisted that she wanted to have it at her house, and she would make lots of food, everything that she used to make for the Holidays. I agreed with her, because I wanted to do what would make her happy, so I had to stay at her house for 2 weeks, to clean it, go food shopping with her, and we cooked for 3 days. I had a few melt-downs at her house, almost a nervous breakdown.
To get to the point, my Mother refuses all help, refuses to get an alarm system for the house, and no medical alert device for her. She calls them a gimmick to get the Elderly to spend all their money. It is a disaster waiting to happen. She will not call my brother for anything, sometimes she will take a cab by herself. But, she needs me to go with her to the Eye Doctors in Boston, and Brookline. I go to all of her appointments with her, and I also stay a few days at a time, in the downstairs apt. She simply can't see where she is going, and would fall down without my help. She won't bother my brother, because he has an "important" job and she doesn't want him to take any time off. I gave up my job in 2005, to stay with my parents for 6 weeks, when my Mother had an eye operation, and my Dad was very sick, and needed a lot of care. He also refused any outside helpers. Since then, I have not gone back to work, because I have to be available for my Mom, she has so many Doc visits. We have spent a lot of our savings, and retirement, because I spend my time going back and forth to my Mom's house. Now, my kids think that I should move in with my Mom, so she won't be alone. My cousin told us that we need to sell our house and move back to Chelsea. I told them I didn't want to live there or even near there, with the high crime rate. Their answer was, there is crime everywhere. I can't win. So, my opinion is that Elders can be very selfish. The reason? They cause everyone around them to worry about them, night and day. It drives me insane, and my Mother doesn't care about my fears for her. She is happy, as long as she can be "independent".

EastEagle - people who have been selfish all along don't change just because they get old. I know I'm going to get slammed for saying it, but I think that in many cases you just have to say "okay, that's the way you want it, fine, but don't come crying to me when it blows up in your face. You want to be independent? Then you are on you own! and stick to it. Let them take the consequences or you will forever be their hostage. After all, isn't ageism considered a prejudice? Then the way that works is just because you're old, don't expect special treatment, either bad or good. I suspect that in some cases, the person just wants to continue as long as they can and then fall down in a heap, go out like a light, however you think of it. I know I'd prefer that to having a miserable existence "preserved". Like that woman in Bakersfield - she had a massive stroke and the 911 tech was trying to get someone, anyone, to do CPR - for what? Why? Now of course, your dead body is going to cause problems for someone, but I don't see that rotting in place is a better alternative. Perhaps the idea would be to make it clear if that is what she wants, so be it, but you are not going to be waiting in the wings to rescue her. Her decision, her independence, her consequences.

A bit harsh but, basically correct. My father is 91, mother 91 with dementia. My father will not get any help to come in. We have tried and either they left because he drove them crazy, or he found another way to let them go. My sisters and I go in 3 times a day...one of my sisters is the main caretaker..she does get paid (not enough as far as I am concerned) ... Dad complains that he just cant do it anymore..he has back problems and mom cannot walk and is incontinent...it mostly comes to me, as I am the oldest... after 5 years of this I have decided that he will eventually come to a point that mom does need more care and should be in a very nice nursing home..either that or he will die way before mom will. He is under stress that he brings upon himself.... we are made to feel guilty because its all left up to him (which it really isnt)...yes, he does spend 24 hrs. a day with mom but she does nothing but sit...does not want Dad out of her sight...we will make sure that we do all we can but until Dad decides he just cant control it all anymore we will leave all decisions up to him, unless of course he starts to lost it..and I can see that happening as we speak ... when parents are unwilling to take suggestions or make a move, there is nothing we can do until they are both incompentent. BTW my father has always be a control freak and age is not changing that.

Funeral was horrid. As i thought some people been sniffing for what they could get. Cheek