I want nothing more than to move my parents into a safer place to live. They are fine to live alone (with each other) for the time being but they need to live on one level and/or make other improvements such as moving the washer/dryer upstairs from the basement and install a safer tub, but even though my mom has already fallen more than once my dad refuses to see that there is a problem and he refuses to spend any money to make improvements and he, of course, refuses to move. I just don't get it. The house is small and filthy - they stopped cleaning long ago and started hoarding (not TV-show-bad but not pretty, either). Even though (or because?) it is the house I grew up in, I absolutely despise even setting foot in that house, and when I do they get angry with me for trying to clean the whole time I'm there - I mean, really angry - yelling and screaming angry. But I just can't look at that filth and clutter and not try to clean it, but it's so nasty you can never tell I did anything much at all, and their anger about it makes me give up and leave before there's time to make a dent, anyway. And there's no clean place to sit down and relax and just "visit" with them, anyway, so what else would I do while I'm there?? Also, they always still offer to feed me when I go in... It has been at least four years since I've had a meal (or even a snack) in their house because it is so dirty. They know why I won't eat, yet they keep offering like I'm suddenly going to just change my mind and decide I don't mind eating food from a filthy kitchen at a filthy table. I pretty much just don't go there at all anymore - and they know why - but they keep asking... complaining... "you never come over anymore". I HATE IT THERE. Dad has some sort of dementia - can't find his words, forgets everything, loses everything, and NEEDS me all the time - constantly calling me asking me to do crazy things and just talking irrationally about random subjects and it drives me crazy. He doesn't do this to any of my siblings - just me - and I have a very stressful job that takes a lot of my time and he doesn't seem to understand that at all - calls me at all times of the day and evening, and makes doctor appts without checking with me first even though he knows I have to take him. He still drives a little and so does Mom but neither of them understand what the doctors are saying half the time and/or they simply don't remember. Mom's memory is going, too -- she's better off than Dad in that department but physically she is much worse off. ANYWAY... my whole point was meant to be that I am desperate for them to move someplace safer and cleaner and it just kills me that Dad refuses. Mom would be all for it, but Dad's "in charge". I've even offered to help them get a little place much closer to where I live so I could see them more often and where none of us would have to worry about Mom falling down the stairs, but Dad shuts me down every time I mention it. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for such a long... rant, more so than a question. I am just so frustrated and lost. My siblings DO NOT care. Whenever my parents need or want anything it's me they call... it's me that Dad screams at because he's mad at the whole world.
She is battling with mental illness such as PTSD and severe anxiety and has bouts of altered reality but is incredibly articulate and bright. I don't believe that I'll be able to force her into making any changes from a legal standpoint. So far, no lawyer will even have a meeting with me, as there is no way a judge would ever consider to not understand what is going on. She knows exactly what she is doing.
I'm unsure if anyone can improve her situation but I would appreciate any opinions. I just know that if I don't act in some way now, she will die in this huge falling down house... I'm open to any suggestions / resources, especially if you are familiar with Texas (Houston area).
Warm regards,
Jennie
Hoarding is increasing as a problem and gets worse as people age. Your mother has significant mental health issues. Concern for and research about hoarding is growing these days. No matter how articulate she is she has mental illness. It would be a good idea to document what is happening.
Hoarders are generally treated with cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and antidepressants. If your mum is having times of altered reality she likely needs something like an anti psychotic too. Do you think there is any chance that she is developing dementia? To me this is far more a medical issue than a legal one though applying for guardianship may be advisable at some point. It sounds like she is unable to make wise or even safe decisions for her own care.
You don't say how old she is. She needs a thorough, possibly, geriatric neuropsych evaluation and then the recommended treatment. She probably needs hospitalization for that to occur, then follow up out in the community. Does anyone have POA for her? If she falls or has any episode that requires a trip to the ER you can intervene then, talk to the doctors and ask for an eval. Have your documentation ready for that. If she is having an episode of altered reality I suspect you could call the paramedics to take her to the ER. It would be a good idea to find out under what conditions you can call for her to be taken to the ER.
Likely eventually some health problem will result in her going to hospital. It is better if you are prepared for that. A doctor may say she is not safe too be released to go home alone. If this happens do not take her from the hospital. As I understand it, if there is no one to care for her they then are obliged to find her a placement. Hope you can put a plan together. My mother was out of control with a personality disorder and dementia. The right things started happening once the proper professionals were involved, in particular, a geriatric psychiatrist. Up until that, things were pretty crazy.
Good luck to you. You are not alone.