I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Parents should not expect their children to care for them when they age; they should plan so they don't have to.
I've told my kids DO NOT take care of me when I age. I don't want them to have that burden.
Move and enjoy your hard earned retirement.
You said it "parents have always lived on their terms". Your marriage comes first. Make your plans and don't involve them until the plans have been made and you r ready to leave. Check out resources in ur area. Call ur local Office of Aging and see what they offer. Mine has a nice little booklet. Get one for you and brother if they have one. With modern technology you maybe able to do a lot from a distance. Coming home when you need to.
My opinion, if you don't do what you want, your parents will drain you. Sounds like no one has POA so this will make things so hard if they become incompetent. I would do what I wanted and worry about the rest as it happens.
Folks who age successfully plan financially for their futures and genuinely do not want to be a burden to their children. They can hire a geriatric care manager. They can stay in touch with you via phone and email and if they sign a HIPAA release, you can be involved long distance on medical discussions and decisions. They can move to be close to YOUR retirement locale.
I would not fall for their manipulation.