I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
I am now 59 and was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 3 yrs ago. My mother was the victim of medical malpractice and died six weeks before her 51st birthday. I flew to the city she and my stepfather lived in and had 7 minutes talking with her and all she was talking about was all of the things she and my stepfather were going to do when they retired. There was an 11 yr age difference between the two of them and they were planning on retiring 1 yr after she died.
My stepfather waited 2 yrs from the time she died and sent a letter to all 9 of us kids and said we had 18mos, to come home and collect boxes of memorabilia he had sorted out for each of us and take anything else we wanted from their home for ourselves, after 18mos, he was selling their house and moving away. Yes, we'd be welcome to visit him in the town he was moving to along with our families, but he was going to get on with life and he did. He went on to live another 35yrs when he died of ALZ disease.
Lesson to be learned. Do not allow your parents to hold you hostage and keep you from retiring and doing what you and your DW want to do. I have imparted this wisdom on our adult children so they don't think they need to stay in the Metropolitan Area that we live in. They've been told to finish their education and pursue their dreams, get married, and concentrate on their own families. The fly in our ointment is we have a 12yr old Special Needs child, that we have to take in to consideration. Still we remain focused on enjoying the time we have to share with each other, in particular traveling with what time I have left to do that.
I have told my DW who is 8yrs younger than me, when it is time for me to go to AL/MC put me in a home 100mi from where we live and get on with life. I don't want her or any of our children, to be focusing on me, when I don't remember them, or will not remember them visiting me. I don't want them being consumed feeling that I have to remain the center of their life. We've had a great 25 yrs combing our 2yrs dating with almost 23yrs of being married.
The time has come for you and your DW to realize some very special dreams of your own, you've worked hard to get there. Enjoy it while you can. Never put off to tomorrow, what you can do today.
Happy Friday, I too am John
I have not read any of the other responses. I just logged on to give you the advise that I have gotten from many, including professionals, this week. DON'T DO IT!.
You have worked hard your entire life and deserve to have a happy, healthy retirement. If you take on your secretive, self-centered parents your life will become a living hell.
I retired 4 years years ago and have been the sole caregiver for my mom. She lives independently but is requiring more assistance. At 89 years old she fell a couple of weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. After 7 days in rehab her insurance company decided that this 89 year old woman was improved enough to move back home on her own, with assistance. The assistance will consist of a visiting nurse and pt/ot. She's been home since Tuesday and the agency finally sent a nurse to do an eval today. PT will evaluate next week. In the meantime she has lost the strength she gained in rehab. We are having to go there 5 times a day to make sure she is up, eating, washed, dressed and taking her meds. All of which she fights tooth and nail despite the promises she made before coming home.
The reason I tell you this long story is because this is what you will face, times two. Your life will no longer be your own. Your marriage will become strained. My mom is a master manipulator and selfish as they come. The difference is that I do know her health issues, needs, long term plan and financials.
You're going into this blind.
Love your parents, get them care. But do not take this on yourself. Please enjoy your retirement. Be healthy, relaxed and guiltfree.
Good luck!
It sounds like a no win situation no matter what you do so why not do what YOU want?
I suggest you start putting in place all that they will need to live apart from you. Set up a video chat system for them, gather up the documents you need them to sign so you can be informed of their health conditions, get power of attorney forms so you can assist with financial problems if they need it, and find some type of liaison to check on them.
When you present the forms to them to sign they will have to address their future needs or you won’t be able to be much help. This would be true even if you lived next door.
If they still refuse to discuss things candidly, well, you gave them their opportunity, didn’t you?
There probably Is not much time left to have lucid discussions. Sorry, but it’s true. How can you be much help if they are not open with you?
You need to RUN away before they have a chance to snare you in their trap.
Charlotte
Just last week, she refused to go out for dinner, I'd had a rough day, and absolutely did not feel like going home right after work and went to my favorite local restaurant downtown and since I was alone sat at the bar to have a drink and eat. Imagine my surprise when there was a really nice gentleman sat next to me, and we had a wonderful conversation. I kinda hope in the future he may be there and I go again and we talk... again. Kinda gives me a hope there IS a future for me... all in all, I am young.
SO, my advice to you...... you ask :). DO ABSOLUTELY NOT let your parents guilt you into caring for them in their later years. You are married and have the potential of a wonderful golden years retirement ahead...... that's what my husband and I had planned in our 40's but he died. IF I HAD THE CHANCE AGAIN, I would go with him somewhere new to live and retire in a minute. I love my mother, but she has lived 93 and dr. informs me she easily could have another 15 years! I am NOT going to give up my life. I hope close down the road for my job to have an easier breathing room and make a personal life for myself. You and your wife already have that and are both together and alive! Celebrate that and have a wonderful life! You can always fly back to visit, but don't give up your life. Your parents can receive good care on their own and when needed go to ALF or NH.
Luckily, I have a strong personality and there was NO WAY I was going back to my mom's hometown to live, there was nothing there I wanted.
I would NEVER expect my children to have to care for me, especially if I were unwilling to discuss my finances, etc., with them. Your parents/brother can deal with the situation as things come up, and believe me, they will.
Do not let guilt mess with you and the plans you have with your wife. Guilt is a wasted emotion, much like worry.
God Bless and enjoy your "Golden Years".
They don't want to do anything to make it easier for them in their home so that will be what it will be deal with it when or if anything happens. It's hard I feel for you it's not an easy journey. Just be honest with yourself.
WORK OUT WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO - VISITS, TELE.CALLS; AND LET YOUR PARENTS KNOW YOUR PLANS. IT MAY BE HELPFUL FOR YOU BOTH YO SEE A COUNCELOR FOR SOME HELP IN LETTIMG GO.
DO YOUR PARENTS HAVE WILLS, TRUSTS, POA, LIVING WILL [YOU SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOURSELVES AS WELL IF YOU HAVEN;T ALREADY]. ONCE THAT IS DONE YOU CAN HELP WITHY MONEY AND HEALTH MATTERS, IF THEY REFUSE TO DO POA, ETC, THAT ALSO REFLECTS ON THEM, PERHAPS YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND/OR FRIENDS WHO CAN PERIODICALLY LOOK IN ON YOUR PARENTS. THERE MAY BEADULT CENTERS WHERE THEY CAN GO TO HELP KEEP ACTIVE. HOPEFULLY. PNCE YOU SHARE YOUR PLANS ON HOW TO MAINYAIN YOUR TIES AND THEY SEE IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN THAT WILL ALSO HELP, IT MAY BE THAT THEY ARE SCARED THAT ONCE TOU MOVE, THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU
Listen to my story and figure out if you want to be in the same nightmare later on?
My FIL lives with us since my MIL died. A year and 1/2 ago. Before she passed our lives consisted of being at their beck and call every minute. They both didnt drive, so the doctor visits became an all day thing because they would make early doctor appts, THEN they needed to go grocery shopping, THEN they had to go pay bills, THEN they had to go here or there “Well we dont have a car, and uber is too expensive” It was exhausting! Even tho they lived in their own place it was like we never got a break from them! They would call if they needed a case of water! “We are out of bottled water you need to bring us some because we are thirsty” Or if they needed food but there was no doctor visit planned, they would call us and tell us the list of what they needed or want us to take them to the store.
When they DID drive IT WAS ME going in late to work or leaving work early because they had a flat tire. (Which became more frequent as their eyesight got worse) my job was more flexible than hubbys, so they would call me saying “well we didn't want to bother our son at work but.....”
It was horrible! They literally were draining the life out of us! Financially, mentally, emotionally etc
They didnt plan for ANYTHING! Thats why my MILs wake and funeral was paid for by us and her 2 brothers. If not for them she would be in our backyard under the flowers! $12,500 final total between casket, flowers, funeral home, 2 day wake, preacher, transporting the casket to the gravesite, having the preacher speak at the gravesite, memorial cards, obituary, etc
The cemetary charges $1,000 to dig the grave and $1,000 to cover it up.
Yah IT IS that expensive!
My advice to you is MAKE SURE they have a plan BEFORE something happens to them!
My FIL lives with us, he has no plan, he has no savings and no life insurance, when he dies we will have to take out a loan to bury him. He has no relatives left and his other kids are worthless! That $12,500 will be coming out of OUR pocket!
Take action NOW! Dont wait until its too late! Get them to make a plan!
Dont be at their beck and call like we were, its horrible, mentally draining and you have no life of your own!!
Do for you and your wife, follow your dream because if you don't, the only one who is going to suffer because of it is you and your wife!
Johnc1
You use past behavior as a map of future behaviors, they are selfish and self serving, always have only cared about the end result for them. Okay, that doesn't obligate you to give up your life.
My husband saw your question on my email and read it, he was curious if it was a joke. After he read it he asked me if it was real. I said yes and he was floored, his response was, this guys a grown man why would he let his parents treat him like a kid or worry about what they want him to do? He obviously can't win with them and in those situations a man acknowledges that it's a no win and goes on with his life and dreams he and his wife have.
I thought I would share those words because you are obviously having a hard time separating yourself from their guilt, stop over thinking this and stop asking and sharing with them, get up and get busy living your dreams, deal with them as needed. You don't have to jump and run because they have a crisis, that's what 911 is for, as long as everyone jumps to their tune they have no reason to change anything. Only you can separate yourself and let them deal with the consequences of their bad choices.
Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist will help you wade thru the manipulative storm of emotions & give you the strength you need to stand up to them and do what is best for you, your wife, and your marriage. I hope you find soon this so you can enjoy the time you have left together. Hugs to you both.
Johnc1
Will not bore you with the details. Every family has crazies!
We are also in our 60’s.
Not that we ever asked or expected any financial help or money left in a will. What people do with their money is their business. If they want to give it to charity or whatever, fine by us.
Know what my husband did when my FIL said he was not leaving money to the family? His dad was trying to use money to hurt my husband. He said, “Dad, flush your money down the toilet! We don’t want it. We only wanted to love you. You rejected our love. Your loss.”
He has never ever regretted telling him that. God! I love my husband for being the smart, loving, independent man that he is!
Money is not worth giving up your dreams. Let them do what ever they want with it, except buy you.
I have a clause in my will that says anyone that contests it, gets nothing.
I choose to not be involved with people, no matter who they are, that use money for control, it's sick.
And to others who may/may not be interested: However, although I may disagree with my mother and feel she should include others, it is her choice. She should NOT have to include any of us in her will. It is her money to do with what she wants.
However, I will say that after my brother (only other sibling) passed away a few years ago, SIL has been sniffing around to ask me about Mom's will. (Please note, she has always been about money.)
Because it caught me off-guard, I diverted the subject, and said I don't know where it is. But to be honest, I felt like saying well, it really is none of your business. The only reason it is my business, is that Mom needs help with it, and I am her only child left and her POA. So, whatever my mom wants is fine by me.
My feeling is (and this is how I was raised) is that if someone leaves you anything, be it money a gift or whatever, from a will, it is a GIFT and should be received as a GIFT, with appreciation. NEVER should anyone ever think that he/she is ENTITLED to anything. My parents worked very hard over the years at saving what they have...that is their money; since Dad passed away, it is Mom's money. Period. End of story.
But from what Davina said, it looks like the will could still be contested. I think that's not fair, but if it is the law, then, will have to deal with it when the time comes. I wish Mom liked to travel, we could do all sort of fun things, but she has always been the home-body and doesn't want to go anywhere. I won't think twice about using her money for care at home when she needs it and use her money up that way. You should see how many purses, and pairs of pants, and shoes she has :). But it makes her happy!!
and P.S. (((smiling)))) it is not anywhere near any millions!!
This is probably a no-win situation and the only sensible thing to do is let go. Yet, I still feel stuck, trapped and disappointed with guilt about relocating. Coupled with other stressors, it feels like our retirement dream is just that - only a dream.
Any input would be much appreciated, thank you.
Johnc1