My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.
I heard that if they can’t answer those 3 questions that they can be committed. Not sure if it applies in all states.
1. What is the year?
2. Who is president?
3 where do you live
My Mom lives with me and has for 4 years. I am exhausted most of the time, and do my best with God's help.
We take her everywhere we go. We took her on a 10 day road trip to Statue of Liberty and back. Difficult, but she had a great time. We are planning another trip this year Lord willing, and we will take her with us.
It is a difficult season of life, when you are the one providing care for parents. But we will be there one day as well. This is not a judgement on anyones choices, but I will never put my Mom in a nursing home. I have worked in several in my life and visit people often who are in them, I just will do whatever I can to prevent that. There are always answers, if we look hard enough.
Its tough I know and not everyone is the same, do your best, pray for wisdom in the matter.
Best wishes to you all, and may God help you in your season.
Please help!
Contact your local social services and get advice. Your grandmother needs more help than can be provided in most families, it's time to start looking for a facility and researching the best way to fund it.
Does your mother have power of attorney for your grandmother, or anything like that?
Thank you
Violinist, to paraphrase the great Samuel Goldwyn, a Power of Attorney that is not written is not worth the paper it is not written on.
When you say "this is not in our culture"... I value and respect the importance of a person's own culture to him or her. However. I do not know of any cultures whose traditions set out to be inflexible, or set out to prevent people from leading their lives. And I certainly don't know of any cultures which insist on a child's obligations to his or her parents and grandparents but at the same time disregard a wife's obligations to her husband.
Could you say a little more about what your situation is and what your ideal solution might be?
But... thank you so much for taking the time to communicate your thoughts as it helps me to validate my own thoughts and feelings.
violinist
The thing is, the way it looks to an outsider, you kind of can't have it both ways. You have gathered together a good deal of reasonably current information on BPD, you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist, a clear assessment of the kind of dynamics you're dealing with. It's not like you're stuck minding the cattle out on the steppe, is it.
But, so, in that case, you are equally free to consult the social and cultural norms of the time and place where you are living *now*. Ask around! Find out what help might be appropriate and available for your grandmother. Enlist allies! I don't care how thumpingly clear your mother's BPD is, it still doesn't put her in charge of your life - unless you let it.
We live in Canada and I'm aware of all help is available already, of course, and arranged help to come to our home where I live with my husband and I'm ready to transfer it to my mother's place. However, she keeps telling me that she is not ready yet and does not give the date when she will be ready. Today, I did not have a PSW for my Grandma and could not live her at home, I brought her to my mom's until 4 p.m when I'm done with work (was a surprise for her!) and she yelled at me said all nasty things she could about me and my husband but except grandma for the day. I will keep working on it, thank you for your input.
violinist