My Dad's sister is an elderly widow, late 70s. She recently got in touch with me, as I did not know her growing up. My Dad was not in contact with her for many years. I was at first glad to talk to her, as we didn't know each other when I was growing up but once my sister gave her # to my Aunt, she has been calling almost every day and she has been telling me offensive sexual jokes and some that are racist and she thinks they are funny. I just don't want to be mean to her. I have told her before I am busy witth work, family, etc and she says she will not call for a while and a few weeks later she is back calling every few days even as late as 10pm.. Besides blocking her # I am not sure what else to do? She is a nice person, she may just be lonely and I don't want to hurt her feelings. She has been calling other family members the same way also and they have been avoiding her calls.
Has anyone dealt with this situation? Any advice helpful. Thanks!
All you can do is listen with love and encourage a change of subject. You can gently tell her those jokes are no longer acceptable, but do not be surprised if she doesn't stop. These are thoughts are deeply planted in her memories. Then try to remember that whatever you think is funny today in 50 years will be abhorrent to your grandchildren.
She is lonely and wants to stay connected to the world. Are there Senior Services in the community where she lives? Can you contact them and ask if they have activities she could join? Do they have a support service that can pair her with other lonely seniors? This COVID year has been horrible for everyone but especially for seniors living alone.
And, please, do not rail at her for her jokes. Do not judge her as some people responding have suggested. It will only confuse her and cause pain for something she does not understand. You can limit how many times you talk to her by not answering if she calls too frequently. But think about how you would like to be treated in your senior years by those in your life and go from there.
Best to you and to your aunt.
She may have No One Else to talk to.
you and her other family members should not be blocking her calls!
Put yourself in her shoes.
Each and Every One of you, should each pick one day out of the week and make a 5 -10 minute phone call to her.
That time out of a whole week is nothing and to her could literally be life or death.
Loiliness Kills!
You should tell her exactly what you wrote here.
Let her know that you want to keep talking with her but it makes you uncomfortable to listen to her jokes because you find them sexual and racial.
She probably doesn't really have things to talk about.
Tell her when it's convenient for you to talk and have her call at those times.
Mare sure you let her know the hours of the day that she can call.
Have a list of questions you can ask and talk about.
Or, tell her when you will call her and be sure to call her.
Does she live close enough for ya'll to visit or have lunch together?
Praters for all to show compassion to a lonely elderly women.
I am so happy to hear from you. I would like to talk to you about something that is very important to me...
Honesty is always okay and it doesn't have to be confrontational or demeaning or hurtful or any other dreadful thing. We can tell people that we don't appreciate their sense of humor without any drama.
If she goes all dramatic, well that is on her. I bet that she will be surprised and remorseful that she has been trying to be funny and make her calls a happy time and instead she has been allowed to make them miserable for you, all because you didn't speak up when it started.
Fresh beginnings are a great way to get over, what to me is a stupid mistake by both parties, and have a loving relationship with mutual respect and boundaries.
I honestly am surprised at how many people suggest confrontation as a solution. This woman hasn't been in your life "all your life"; unless you want a relationship with her, why spend your emotional energy on "explaining, telling her off, etc." Just let her go.
And for all those who chalk it off to this woman being "older", possibly "dementia", possibly this or that, let's stop blaming older people! Maybe she has always been like this and maybe that is why she is trying to find a new person to be offensive to. And for the record, there are plenty of young people who like to do the same.
Otherwise, tell her bluntly that you find her sense of humor offensive and to please stop sharing those "jokes."
Something to think about: If she were not your aunt and if she were not in her late 70s, how would you react? - How would you treat the person if she were a contemporary of yours? That's what you do in this case as well.
After a couple of months, he stopped using bad words at my house, although I sometimes heard them floating over the fence.
If your aunt is capable of learning and remembering, simply tell her, politely, that you don't like those jokes and you will end the call every time she tells one. Then when she tells you an offensive joke, tell her that you don't like the joke and are hanging up now, but she is welcome to call back tomorrow, or next week, or whatever you feel is an appropriate time between calls.
If she gets angry, she can find another communication partner.
Avoiding her calls or being busy postpones the discomfort, but does not discourage her from trying to use that humor to make a connection the next time.
How's the weather. Really hot, rainy here.
I made Grandma's meatloaf the other night. Did you ever make it?
What's your favorite recipe?
My grandson plays first base on his team
And so on.
Your Aunt may just want to talk to someone and doesn't know what else to say, rather than tell jokes.
Hope this helps.
I'll never understand why people think a ringing phone must be answered, especially since caller id has been a thing for decades.
1 - She has always been this way and that is why you never heard from her. She won't change. Let her calls go to voicemail (and delete!) and call her when it is convenient to you.
2 - She is lonely and desperate for socialization. Talk with family about calling her throughout the week - everybody gets a day and/or time slot. With others calling her and directing the conversations, she may stop being as rude.
3 - She may have a mental health issue - especially if this has been ongoing for a long time. Talk with family about somebody checking in on her weekly (everybody takes a turn?). If she appears to be in unsafe conditions or a threat to self or others, she may be involuntarily admitted for psychiatric evaluation and treatment.
4 - She may have dementia. The time of phone calls, frequency, and loss of social filters may mean that she requires to be cared for by others. An appointment with her usual doctor (or a competent family doctor if she doesn't have one) would be the first thing to do, Don't be surprised if the doctor makes referrals to a neurologist (for dementia evaluation and treatment) and a geriatric psychiatrist.
You could say that you have enjoyed getting acquainted but you can no longer tolerate her jokes. They are not appropriate. No problem her calling you just can't tolerate the jokes.
I would wonder why Dad had not seen her in years and you didn't know her. Maybe there was a reason.
I assume she's lonely and/or trying to find an opening to start a conversation. However, you need to set some clear boundaries -- no offensive jokes, and she can call on X days between the hours of X and X. All these can be conveyed kindly without sounding like you're being rude or don't want to talk to her, but you have a busy life and can't talk on the phone a great deal. It's also a very different world than it used to be when people communicated primarily by phone and letters. You could also surprise her and call her first once in a while.
Tell her you think it’s a rotten place, really off color, and doesn’t hit your sense of humor at all. Make the discussion about the source of the jokes, not about her, or the jokes themselves. Suggest a new place to find jokes. For example, once I found a website of ‘knock knock who’s there’ jokes that would last the rest of her life. Tedious, but not offensive. Once I found a site with simply hundreds on the lines of 'How many xyz's does it take to change a light bulb'. (My favorite is social workers - 'one, but the light bulb has to want to change'.) Even put a couple of joke books in the post!
Remember that many older people with dementia get hyper-sexy. This may be the way she is showing it. Perhaps you could check with other people who see her regularly. Even just understanding might help you to tolerate a phone relationship that may be important to her, without it offending you.
A NICE person does not call people repeatably telling off colour jokes.
Stop her in her tracks. "Auntie, it appears you have different beliefs than I do. I have no interest at all in hearing jokes that are racist or of a sexual nature. I will hang up if you repeat these sorts of jokes.
What do you have to lose by stopping her?
Since you have not had a longterm relationship with her, I would imagine that not having her in your life would really not be much of a loss. She might have something going on like dementia, etc. But that's not your problem either.
If you prefer not to confront her, go ahead and block her number. You don't need this in your life.
Lots of people are like that with the dirty jokes or racial remarks. So you have to be prepared for what I now hear - I know you don't like this word, but. . . So my new reply is if you know it's something I don't like to hear, don't do it.