Daughters of narcissistic mothers. What are the effects?

Gina, I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's loss and that you had to find her like that. It's Very sad, but you're right, we all have to face these things and decide which way we will proceed with our lives (as scary and emotional as it all is).   Like you, I'm going through similarities here... It's been a battle most of the time, when they insist on having things their way and have little respect for you or your life. I am the only daughter also, and I hoped all my life that my mother could tell me / show me some kind of  'real' love towards me... I know she's not capable of much of it and is stubborn as h*ll in her ways... (sound familiar?). I hope I can be as strong as you if she dies before me (sometimes, I think this will all kill me first). So what are you going to do now?   Stay in The Midwest?... still dating?... I wish the very best for you... You are a beautiful daughter... I'm sure your mother knew that, but her narcissistic nature held it all back... Thank you for sharing this here... it helped me know, I'm not alone... and, neither are you... Love to you and your mom... ❤️🌹❤️🌹

Gina/Eugenie what a sad story you just related.

I hope that you have let go of any left-over bitterness, sadness, anger towards your Mom. Sadly, from the sounds of it she did not.

I have a narcissist sister. I didn't connect the dots that this was what was wrong with her until recently. I am just learning ............all these years wondering why she had such a problem with me. I seem to be her favorite scapegoat. Such a waste, always wondering why she hated me and now realizing she just has a mental disorder. Kind of freeing in a way.

Hello to all my Followers,
When I started this blog I was holed up in my bedroom and my mother locked herself up in hers. We did not speak for weeks and thats when I decided to research on my computer if I was the only one with such a nasty mother and what I found out was that my mother was a Narrsist. The most comforting feeling I got when I started to read some of the responses was that I wasn't alone, there for......You are not alone!
I knew someday the torment would end, but how and how would I feel if she died before me, because that is the only way this could end, one of us had to die.
Well, my fellow friends, she finally died last November 8th 2016 at 1:45 PM. On election day. She didn't want Trump to win, but she never saw the results.
My Mother always wanted to die in her home. No Nursing Home. She was told many times by her Doctors she should go into a Nursing Home, but she would not hear of it. She got her wish.
She also wanted live by herself. Remember folks I quit my job and flew home to help her because she was constantly barraging me on the phone how she can't do for herself, which I found later to be nothing but lies. She drove her car, went to Church, shopped, got her hair done and did many other errands. But she manipulated me into believing she was helpless and needed me. And I quit my high paying job and left the warm climate. (Shoot me). LOL
Once I arrived in Chicago three and a half years ago and tried to live with her, it was nothing but h*ll, to a point were I had to leave the house for the day and sometimes I would make myself busy by spending a lot of time at the Library. I would come home late and she never knew what I was doing. She was furrious that I did not share with her what I was doing or were I was going. She berated me daily. She became extremly verbally abusive, so nothing changed, except it got worse. She now wanted me to move out. I was making plans to rearrange my life again. Last summer 2016 I met a wonderful man and I began to see him more and more, which gave me the opportunity to leave the house more and more. I began to come home less and less and she was not happy that I was gone all the time. I did not tell her I had a boyfriend instead I let her believe I had a job 100 miles away. Mind you, Im a senior and retired. I would come once a week for couple days to help her. That only lasted 2 times. She said to me not to come back sooner then a month. I told her: "You got it Lady."
By October she was mostly alone. Thats what she wanted, but little did I know that she was seething and was making plans to lock me out totally. I had all my personal belongings in her place and she was determine to make her point. I even had to tell her if she locked me out I would make sure I would see her in court. And so it went.
The last time I talked to my mother was October 31, 2016, she called me and stated that she did not know if she could take it anymore regarding her health. I responded by asking her if she needed anything and her reply was: "You can't do anything" and then she hung up.
I waited couple days and called her to see how she was, no answer. I called a few more times during the week and again, no answer. Now its Nov. 5th and she has not returned any of my calls. I left several vm. Nothing. I started to make plans to go into Chicago on Nov. 8th to vote and I figured at that time I will pay my mother a visit. First, I went to a store and bought her a nice robe, then I went to vote, which was about 1:00 PM. I then proceeded to visit Mommy Dearest.
I got out of my car and looked up to her windows on the second floor and for some reason I felt weird. I went up the elevator to our 3rd floor and went to unit 304 and to my amazement to door was unlocked. I proceeded into the Condo. No TV, no sound. I said out loud "Mom". Then I go directly into the Kitchen and I noticed many dishes and they were dirty, plus the counter was in disorder. I put my stuff down on the table and I started to get an erie feeling. I slowly went into the bedroom and saw nothing, but I saw a light in the bathroom around the corner from her bedroom. I slowly started to go towards the bathroom and there she was on the floor....DEAD.
I will spear all of you the details what I saw, but I will never forget the sight. There were so many emotions going thru me. I knew one day I may find her dead, did not know when or how, but once this really occurs, you really have to get a grip of yourself and accept the finality.
She wanted to be alone and she got her wish. She died alone. Im not sure if she called for me or what her thoughts were in her last moments. All I know she tried to prep her head up with area carpets and towels and I also found several rings taken off and thrown towards the door, I can only assume she could not get up by herself and her wrist buzzer to call for help was 2 feet away from her. She was stubburn and never wanted to wear that life saver. I don't know if she suffered or how long she was dead, all I know she got what she wanted. She wanted to die at home and she wanted to live alone. The sad part is, that I really don't think she really wanted to be alone, but her pride and her need to control others made everyone who cared for her distance themself from her. Live by sword, die by the sword.
My over all feeling the moment I found my mother dead was RELIEF and I was shaking like a leaf. Everyday that goes by and its now about 6 months I feel at peace. No more degradation, no more irrate fits. No more shouting. No more tears. There are moments that I still get angry that she wasted so much time by being nasty and did not take the opportunity to spend quality time with me. Only one daughter, go figure. She was so bitter inside about her life and yet while I was going thru her stuff recently, I found journals where she wrote her inner feelings. She was lonely and felt very angry towards me. Why? Because she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention. This is odd, isn't it folks? But that is what a Narrsist wants, more attention, even if its right in front of them, but for some reason its so misplaced.
I inherited everything she had. The house, money, jewerly, art collection and furniture. And yet, while she was alive she constantly accused me of stealing from her. How ironic.
I gave her the Funeral she wanted, I didn't creamate her. She feared I would do it and yet there was no instructions. But what I did do was I buried her with a pack of cigaretts and a lighter. Her smoking inside the home was one of our biggest arguments. So when she was alive I told her that I was going to bury her with her cigarettes. She only looked at me and had a gaze of wonder if I really would do it. Well, I did. It gave me pleasure.
So now we are here today, 6 months after her death. I still feel relief and at peace. Im in such a good place in my life, no regrets. Once in a while I think about her, how she wasted time and thats where I know I did the best I could and its not my fault "Mommy Dearest" that you wasted our life being bitter.
We only have this life to live and we only have a one shot deal. I believe that you make your life what you want it to be, you can either fall and never get up or you can fall, pick yourself up and move forward and believe that Life is Great and make the best of what you have. You are not responsible for others, you are only responsible for yourself........and there we go "the self", which is the Narrsist in us all. How ironic and crazy is that? Funny! But there is a difference, you must always weigh out what is or isn't normal.
So my friends, this has been a long journey for myself and many of you as well. Each and everyone on this blog I hope has had the opportunity to be heard and you were able to unload. I knlow I did my share. lol
I wish all of you all the best and please continue sharing your stories. I will be peaking in.
Sincerely,
Gina/Eugenie (aka midwest)

My narcissistic Mom basically set her unrealistic and negative ideas about me in stone when I hit age 11 or so. I think that was about the time that I decided I'd like a life of my own, thank you, maybe even some boundaries, and that didn't sit well AT ALL. If I couldn't be a boy, the least I could do was be a puppet!

Her aging has sadly made this even worse, she's got these mean ideas about me that she loves to share with everyone that are somewhere between unfair and truly bizarre. I show up to visit with a carry on suitcase and a purse and I stow everything down to my coat and shoes in an unused bathroom. I mean everything down to my wedding ring goes into this tiny little space when I'm here.  I feel like I couldn't be smaller if I put *myself* into the suitcase.  And then she tells me she can't have the maid come because of "your mess all over the house". As it's always been, when I ask a question like "what mess do you mean" or "where would you like me to put my things", she just flaps her hands and makes a face like I'm the stupidest, ugliest and most disappointing person on earth, or maybe snarls, "you know exactly what I mean".  It used to just be upsetting but now there's the added issue of wondering if she's losing her mind. Does she just need a scapegoat, or is she actually imagining clutter that doesn't exist?

Theach ? I meant the.. lol.. and help if you see this being done by a parent ,I never understood why no one took me away from her my aunt n uncle asked for me and she told am no!!!

I too was raised by a narssasistic mother who made me the scapegoat child. from birth she did not like me and at 4 or 5 mos. Old my grama caught her abusing me hitting me in bathtub and slapped my mom. When I was 11 my cousin told her my step-dad was molesting me, she said and I quote ( I hate her,She's a liar and labeled me as one to everyone, and my sister was her bully, I had 5 brothers and 2 sisters and I loved and was a second mom to them because I was oldest girl, I loved and cared for them even when I never was nurtured, my sister has done terrible things mentally and physically hurt me and when my mom needed somewere to live I ended up with 6 people living with me for a while and my sister and I got along for about 15 years, her husband cheated n left and she's back to her old ways and she was my mother's golden child, my mom passed away never remember her ever hugging or saying I love u, only u make me sick go away, let alone I'm sorry, I was a little relieved knowing she couldn't hurt me ever again but know I'm waiting for a house to drop on my sister. That is a tiny bit of h*ll I was in and dad abandoned us too so I've never known love from a parent . I have three children 6 grandchildren and each of them know they r adored by me, it's terrible to be ashamed your whole life for something u have no control over and then help theach person who hurt you. I am in therapy at 60. And take meds.

I was just thinking how it's the 'rejection' from a parent, especially a mother (RESPECT, love, hug, support, appreciation... when they have their faculties...) that screws up an child... into adulthood... and, beyond... Combine wthat with all a caregiver has to do with dr's, etc.... let alone holidays... It's no wonder Christmas is very hard for us...

Interesting Jessie... babies do grab the attention... (maybe, we all should have stayed babies). My mother really has (gradually) muddled my head up where I can't think straight at times.... I also, think because it's jeopardized my 'self-worth' I feel paralized at times because it makes trying to actually take care of her all the worse. It has really put a strain on me, especially when she takes withmmy brother and family (always long distance, because they never come here), like she's the cat's meow... the slow accumulation of over a decade of her criticism, meddling, and sarcasm is damaging...

Heart, I dread Christmas for the opposite reason. Mom sits in her chair and doesn't interact much with anyone. The others would just sit there saying little. My family is a bit like that backwoods trio -- Larry, Daryl, and Daryl -- that were on the Bob Newhart Show. Only one person talks -- me.

It has gotten easier now that there are some babies in the mix. They can be the center of attention for a while. They are a lot better at it.

I dread the holidays, especially Christmas because I feel like I'm dying a slow death when my mother talks with my brother and family as if I am dead... Every year I have put up things to make my house cheerful, but being outcast all the time, especially during this time really depresses me.

Whatever the labels that are affixed to describe a person, the result is devastating for the sufferer and those around them.

So many of these behavioral health issues overlap and the web of tangles is so distorted it is difficult to understand what is happening.

I made a lifetime trying to sort out and identify what my parents had - and my siblings - and me ....in the end I had to have compassion for all and understand that sometimes there is no point to peeling the onion on the behalf of understanding dysfunction in others...rather, I have to introspect myself and ask how I want to conduct and govern my life when confronted with or enduring such people. I had to learn to reparent myself and find meaning and purpose.

Sounds all well and good, but it is not so simple. I had to decide that I am the only one who can give myself serenity and it will not be easy to unlearn the damage done to me. But it is necessary and it is a gift to myself. A gift I was not given at birth.

It is an ongoing process that was terrifying at first. But I now understand that I do not have to live how they do. I have a choice. I have many. This life is my story, too. Actually, forget their dysfunction...it is my life and I have to learn to live it despite their opinions and influence. The bottom line for me is, not what is wrong with them, but what is right for me...and further, does it matter what is wrong with them? I think the most important thing to remember is to ask onesself: are these people healthy for me. If I cannot live among them, what are my options? Can I change my perspective in the meantime while I navigate these tough waters? Is it too devastating and I must flee right now? Can I?

The damage by a Narc. etc can be pretty awful for sure. But recovery from the effects can be beautiful when you can take it on. Do the work. You have support here.

Hi Arleeda,
I'm a 59 yr. old nurse, was married 30 years, divorced due to his severe depression, remarried 10 years ago. My mother (now 93 with Alzheimer's in memory care) was narcissistic all my life. I was an "oops" and they divorced 5 years later. Both had alcohol problems (father full blown alkie and mother a binge drinker). Mother had a total of 4 husbands. Always thought of herself first and always had the best of everything (clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.) She grew up in a Sweedish household so forget any physical contact (hugs/kisses).
The funny thing is that I never thought about "telling" her how she was. It was just how she was.
From your daughter's perspective, it's hard to be cozy, cuddly or even tolerate a mother who could have just as well not been bothered with you.
My advise; have a friend of yours, a neighbor or anyone you have a good relationship with fill that roll. Do you really want someone making decisions for you when you're confused or dying that you know doesn't like you? Have you asked her how SHE feels about it? Have you ever had a discussion about why she thought you were cold and narcissistic? Maybe the time should be now. Ever considered going to counseling together? Or is there too much water under the bridge? I really wanted to be close to my mom growing up but she pushed me away (from a hug) when I was 5 saying,"No, you'll muss my hair!" That spoke volumes!
So, I gave it my all when I had my son (being mom AND dad, due to his depression). Son is 27 and won't contact me. He suffers from anxiety but can pick up the phone when he runs out of money.
Sheesh, can't win either way.
Well, God loves me and we'll be together for eternity, so that kinda' lessens the hurt of this crappy existence.

Wow. Can we get an edit function on this site? I just realized I wrote "to late" instead of too late.....that's what happens when an issue strikes a nerve--my grammar and spelling go straight to heck.

Arleeda, why don't you ask her? She is the one who knows best if she wants to take that task on. Also, I notice that everything you said about your daughter was negative--she is overweight, has no friend, never married, etc. If she is a nurse, she must be smart and patient. Being single is not necessarily a "problem" if the person chooses to be single. Weight can alway be lost. Try to look at what is right with your daughter instead of what is wrong. If you were cold perhaps you can try to be more considerate and caring. If she does have problems with intimacy or her weight because of issues connected to your parenting it would be a good idea for you both the attend counseling. It's never to late to contribute to her healing. You might also want to read one of the book on narcissistic mothers and see if you recognize yourself--many of them contain checklists that are really accurate.

My daughter, who is a nurse, has always told me I was a cold and narcissist mother, while her father was weak and ineffectual (he turned out to be gay). I suppose because I wanted a career in an era when women stayed home (I am 80 now and still work part-time). She never married and is extremely overweight and blames me for all her problems. She has no friends except for a cousin on her father's side. He and I were divorced when she was 8. Obviously we are not close, and I wonder if I should continue with my plans to name her as my health care proxy and POA.

I've heard of spa cruises. But the mothers wouldn't be allowed along for our cruise!

I read of that elderly woman who lived on cruise ships, too. An interesting life, but once she was unable to do it anymore, I hope she didn't expect her children to be her caregivers after she'd blown all of her money on cruises!

By the way, I highly recommend the book
You're Not Crazy--It's Your Mother. The author also has a great email list you can sign up for--her email messages are really informative and comforting. She is so spot on, it's scary.

I can avoid my mother for weeks and then after just 15 minutes with her, my head is spinning and my blood pressure is heading skyward. She lives in an alternative universe--her own reality. I am the only child she does this to. One of my brothers lives in another state and can only stay in a room with her for about ten minutes. My sister is exactly like her--so they have an understanding.
My other brother is her direct caregiver--her piece of property, her flying monkey the one who does her bidding.
I am the rebel she can't control and that is why she places all of her venom on me.

My best friend's mother left her with her grandparents one day when she was 6, ran off with her boyfriend (who didn't want a kid in the way) and never came back. My friend has been traumatized by this for 46 years. She has been in contact with her mother through the years (at holidays) and has been kind to her but desperately wanted the love of her mom. Of course, being a narc, that wasn't going to happen. We talked about it. My thought is that it's not that her mom "won't", it's that she "can't". Many people can't fill our needs because they are "unable". If you look at it this way, you won't hate the people who are narcissistic (or have other problems), you'll feel sorry for them. How sad to not have the ability to love someone or be able to express it. How sad to always think of yourself first without considering the situation of others. I'm glad I'm not like them. I pray for my mother (the narc, and the lousy lives of all the people who "can't" and I'm glad I "can"!!

... I believe she started living on the cruise ships when she was in her 60's... (She's now in her 80's)

Do they have Spa Cruises CTTN?... Have you heard of people (seniors) living on cruise ships all the time (as their main home)? About a month ago, they did a story on the news about a woman in her 80's who sold her home and has lived on cruise ships ever since... A long time ago... I remember she even had children and grandchildren...

JessieBelle and Heart2Heart, your mothers deserve each other. Any chance you live near each other? I am visualizing the two of you putting the two elders together while the two of you go to a spa retreat or something...better yet, how about a spa cruise?

I don't understand the games some of our mother's play (knowingly or not). If a mother is fortunate enough to have a daughter who is so helpful to them, why would they be so disrespectful and mean?... I know... Stupid question, because this is their ingrained 'makeup'... Which, yes... Makes everyone want to flee the situation around them altogether, so they can run back to their stable to live and enjoy their lives (I'm talking about siblings now). I was thinking the other day how (for our siblings) it's all fun and games, but for us it's sacrifice, stress... And, more sacrifice...

Jessie, if my FIL could have ived with my MIL for all of eternity, that would have been MY preference too! LOL! Damnit!

BTW, I believe the task list and arguments are her way of pushing me away. I live here, so telling me that she's not up to a visit is not as simple. I believe that if my mother could have lived alone with my father for the rest of her life, it would have been her ideal.

My mother prefers to be alone, so I'm not around her a lot. She watches TV. Sometimes she complains that she is always alone and no one cares about her. She pushes people away. She has one friend who used to call to see if she wanted to sit outside. She would say she wasn't up to it, so finally the friend stopped calling. We have a young woman from the church who wants to visit each month, but Mom tells her she's sick each time. My brothers come by every few months. Other than that, it is just me. When I spend time with her, she comes up with tasks and picks arguments.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not spending more time with her. Then I realize that she made her lonely bed by pushing everyone away during her lifetime. I am not required to lie in that bed she made. Sometimes she complains that she never gets out, but usually says she doesn't feel like it when I ask her. It is a bit of a game she plays -- refusing to do things, then blaming me for not doing things with her. She won't remember that I offered to do things. I don't know if this is the dementia forgetting, or if she just doesn't accept things that go against her being blameless. Being blameless is very important to her.

I can only 'distance' and 'attached' (interact) with her so much... I have to make sure her 'needs' are met. When I do not 'engage' with her, she starts to 'regress' (sleeps a lot, gets more upset... Puts more blame on me for about anything... because she can't do anything without me... (The strain only gets worse for both of us when she's totally dependent on me).
Jessie... What does your mother 'do' when you're not around?

That is so true, golden. It is why it is fairly easy for me to say no. With each no comes the bullying, however, that makes life in the house miserable. If I did give in and take her to her childhood home, it wouldn't have been any different. There would always be something else on the other side.

I don't know if I feel guilt as much as I feel anger and defensiveness. It is like my mother wants to remove my ability to tell her no, and I feel wrong having to defend myself against her. She really needs a slave instead of a daughter. Or better yet, she needs some compassion and empathy instead of the false persona she tries to project. Her life could have been a lot more, but she spent it concentrating on herself and meeting her need at the moment. I don't want my life to be like that.

I guess what I need to do is write a book... if for no one else, then to work out some of my own thoughts.

You're right Golden...Thank you

heart - you get the monkey off your back by distancing and detaching. The less I see my mother, the less she bothers me. I am not saying the all the memories of abuse have gone - they haven't and I doubt they ever will.. But by staying away from her at least she is not creating new wounds. I think that's why it is recommended that abused adult children do not do hands on caregiving for their abusers. Old wounds are opened up and new ones are created. With the continual abuse, you do not have a chance to heal.

Jessie - the guilt you are feeling is false guilt created by not living up to your mother's unrealistic, sick, narcissistic expectations, You are doing nothing wrong to or for her, and many things right for her but she enjoys making you feel guilty as then she is "in control".

Neither of you will ever do enough for your mothers. They are playing their narcissistic games and you will never win as long as you engage with them. The only way you win is by refusing to engage, and that is extremely difficult, if not impossible, as long as you live with them. There is too much history.

heart - how do you accept that they will never be the mother you need? Look at reality, and feel the pain. When you accept the reality, which is obvious to many, you will feel the pain big time,- but then eventually it will fade. As things are now you feel pain daily but never move past it..