My mom is visually impaired, with a bunch of other health conditions.
I can't work a fulltime/day job bc she has drs appointments every week. Sometimes upward of 8 apps and some 1hr drive one way.
I'm not sure what to do, she refuses to have anyone but me as her caregiver.
I have been taking care of her from 17 to now 37 (20 years).
I mainly drive her to drs appointments, grocery, bank, deal with all finances. I have no life and she thinks I "get paid to do nothing" but won't get another caregiver to help.
You have been 'programmed' to respond to your mother's requests, as was I. It got to the point when the phone rang, I dreaded answering it because 99.9% of the time, it was some sort of 'problem' she was calling about that wasn't really a 'problem'. She didn't respect my boundaries, she didn't respect my need to have time with my own family,
I hired a part time home health aide, but of course, no one could meet her standards and expectations - even me but, according to her, I was much better at things than 'those other people'. After many years of making sacrifices for her, my own health started deteriorating, and I ended up having a major surgery every year for 4 years in a row. A lot of it was because I had postponed things for so long in lieu of taking care of mother and her needs. Which took recovery times and time away from mother. During that time, she learned that she truly did need someone to help her and that I wasn't able to, that she would have to accept the home health aide (who could also drive her to her medical appointments, but of course, for a fee plus mileage, which $$ mother would have to pay for herself. She wasn't happy about having to pay and she herself started cutting back on med visits.)
So, I would suggest maybe ease into things - start by telling her that you have some medical issues you need to take care of next week (you really do - your own mental and physical well being - but don't tell her that) and that you are unable to take her to any doc appointments. Your mother doesn't 'need' to go to the bank or grocery store every week or even every other week - that is something you can take care of for her...You do the banking when you have some time; you bring her her groceries the next time you show up. You will still have to handle the finances, but that is something you can do from your own home. Maybe arrange it so you take her to certain places, 1 day a week every other week. Review her medical appointments and talk to her doctor to see if she truly needs that many appointments. Maybe some can be combined together.
I know it is difficult to step away, especially after so many years of helping. But your mother has to start understanding that at the rate things are going, something can happen to you, and then what will your mother do...she will be totally and completely unprepared to handle anything. You have to set her up so she can function without you --- but probably with the help of someone else. You gotta take care of yourself- without feeling guilty about it. It is a necessity and requirement for your well being.