Back story, my mother lives in a house my husband and I own outright. We moved her and my father there a couple of years ago because of their horrific living conditions in their last apartment. We knew my dad was terminally ill and indeed, he passed away last year. This was never intended to be a permanent place for them as we do need to sell the property for our own financial security.
We recently found what seems like an awesome 'independent living' facility very close to my home for my mother. It's a beautiful place surrounded by live oak trees and green grass, and she'll be in a large 2 bed/2 bath apartment with a full kitchen, a private patio that backs to a quiet green space, 3 delicious meals per day and weekly housekeeping service. This may be short term, with rent at over $3,000 per month, I do not expect this to be a permanent solution, but the lease terms (90 days then month to month) are favorable for our current situation.
To move, Mom will need to select what furniture and personal belongings she wants to take with her. We have time to make decisions, but the reason we are doing this now is that we need to get the house emptied out and ready for sale. We do NOT want to end up paying thousands of dollars a year to simply move stuff to storage because Mom can't decide about anything, but in our experience her decision-making skills have declined terribly. This is complicated by severe short term memory issues. She can fill a box with items she has decided to discard and forget what is in the box within a matter of hours or days. The entire garage is stacked floor to ceiling with that type of stuff.
I know this is not an unusual situation. We're lucky in that mom really does seem ready to downsize the amount of stuff and the desire to downsize has become a big weight on her shoulders and really stresses her out.
I'm looking for suggestions about what worked best for you when helping your parents or loved ones in a similar situation? I'd like to give this no more than 6 weeks (at most); also, I am not opposed to a small storage unit. I just don't want it to become the, "It's easier to just not make a decision right now" defacto answer to every difficult choice.
Ideas? Best practices? Thanks!
My mom’s cognition was declining, and I talked about the need for her to downsize months prior to her move. She had given a lot to charity the previous year, and there was more to do. She always liked to organize and prioritize so that’s the approach I took to motivate her. I had 3 categories she used for decision making when we went room to room: 1) take now, 2) storage for later, 3) charity, 4) throw out. Granted we had the luxury of time, but it still was too fast for her. Plus, it was emotionally and mentally overwhelming for her. Me too, but we got through. Her "take now" items were still too much for the new place so we had to do a process of elimination over a few days - at her pace. Knowing some of the items she couldn't have with her in the apt. would be in storage made the process less "scary" for her. This was respectful for her and her memories, and she was "in control" of those decisions. Although, I did have to take some liberties when moving day came, it worked out. Having a storage unit helped with the transition. She only went there one time to look at things and pick up a box of keepsakes she wanted to reorganize. It was hard for her, understandably. Although we took the box to her apartment, she did not have the capacity to reorganize it. It is a blessing that she got to have the box though. It made her happy.
She died months after and the storage unit has not been touched. I now have another storage unit with the apt. items that I could not let go of. Ironic!
My grieving process has me holding on to what I know I don't need, and I will let go soon enough. Looking back I think it would be easier to let go if less from her house had been put in storage. Hope the suggestion of categorizing/prioritizing, and reflection with hindsight helps you.
Keep up the good work of being there for her - and yourselves.
I have to say that it was a comfort to me to have those items at hand as Granny declined and, shortly after pandemic lock-downs began, passed away. But I kept almost nothing and by now I realize that my greatest comfort is in my memories of her.
My heart goes out to you as you grieve and work through the rest of this process. Thanks for your response.
Story 1: My mom went from a house to a room in an ALF. She was in pretty good physical and mental health but no independent living rooms in the small town were available after my dad passed. Fortunately, she had some fairly small scale furniture pieces that worked and we were able to fit a few of her favorite pieces. Sounds like you have more space to work with than we did with my mom. She was pretty involved in the selection of both furniture and the clothing and items to personalize the place but we also made some decisions for her. My brother who lived closest did store some out of season clothing and multiple boxes of photo books. Photo books by the way are invaluable especially as dementia progresses. My mom's house was not sold immediately but we seemed to get it right as she didn't go back and retrieve things.
Store 2: More recently, we moved my MIL (who has moderate dementia) from an independent living apartment that she shared with her now deceased husband to a small assisted living apartment. We had about six weeks to plan for the move. My "vision" was to go through things slowly allowing her to select what things and stuff and clothing she would take, pack what we could, make trips with donations and box up photos and anything we would store at our house and take a load with every visit. After two two hour sessions with her, we decided it wouldn't work. We'd never get done and only stress her and us out. So two days before the move, we just went in and made most of the decisions. We marked things for the new apartment and things for our garage. My hubbie worked with her a little on letting her help pack. She was moving from a second floor to a second floor and we are beyond the U-Haul stage so we hired movers. We had the furniture and boxes separated out for the apartment and some for our garage. The movers stopped at our garage to drop things off on the way to the ALF. Many of the things she packed up "for taking to the apartment" that required more sorting had been marked for the garage. She did not miss the things that never ended up at her apartment. A few things sorted out at our house were later taken to her apartment. We are storing her out of season clothes and photos but the rest of the furniture and stuff has been donated, or given to siblings. She hasn't asked for any of it.
Be prepared. If she is like my mom and MIL, she is going to try to give you everything from stuff you would like to pure junk. In my MIL's case, it was "mail it to your brother and sister" (out of state) because "you will throw everything away". Fortunately, the siblings showed up before all the boxes were mailed to sort through them to determine what they wanted.
get rid of her possessions because they stress her out (or does it stress you out? because I’ve never heard of an elder willing to abandon familiar possessions that tell their story). And you want to do it all in no more than 6 weeks.
Yikes!
Does mom really want to move? Is it really less expensive to pay you rent than pay IL or AL? Or is something else going on?
The property isn't communal.
Whatever the reason for selling is no one's business. It's not the problem either.
People downsize and move all the time. It's life. Shame on you for trying to make someone feel guilty.
If you can't say something nice (or helpful)...then just don't.
* She cannot make [these kinds of] decisions.
* You will be spinning your wheels if you 'ask' her these questions. She cannot answer them, both emotionally/psychologically and cognitively.
* You need to empty most on your own and then give her two choices between xxx and xxx.
- Ask her:
Do you want to keep xxx or xxx? This makes it easy.
If she can not do that, tell her she can think about it,
then you make a decision.
* It is not disrespectful to take more control in this situation. It is a way of honoring her - for her new place/home.
- You will know what to keep, what has sentimental value (photos, a favorite blanket, coat). Trust yourself in these decisions.
Yes (or no) - you certainly do not want to incur extra unnecessary expense to store these things . . . to only need to deal with them at a later date. She will not remember what is in storage, gone, etc.
* If you feel better about it, tell her that she can decide later and that for now xxx will go into storage. She will forget about it. Then you can discard it. It may feel sneaky, although look at the larger picture. You want her comfortable in her new home and this is your (loving) objective.
You are a lovely, considerate daughter. You WILL know what to keep and how much. I have every confidence in you.
Gena / Touch Matters
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I was surprised at what different things the grandkids and great grandkids chose. One chose a set of battered measuring cups and old cookie cutters because he remembered learning to love baking with his grandma using those old things (he is a chef now). Another chose a particularly ugly music box because it was the one Mom had let him play with. More than half the stuff was taken home that day. Goodwill was invited to pick up the rest. Lots of the stuff that was taken was stuff I would have thrown out. In your case, set aside the things your Mom will want to live with, then let the family clear out as much as they can of the rest. It may make her feel good to know that her "treasures" will be loved by another generation.
I would keep the storage unit very small. We rented a couple of storage units when renting out one house while getting ready to move to another state. Spent a lot of money on storage only to find that once we had got used to doing without a lot of the stuff we were not as pleased to get it back as we had thought. We now wish we had just sold 90% of the stuff with the old house and bought new stuff in the new state. Would have been about the same, money-wise. Old stuff often doesn't suit a new residence as well as something chosen for the new space.
However, there are many things we hope will find their way to longer lives through garage and/or estate sales :-) A few years ago I donated a piece of furniture that was totally worn out to Salvation Army. Two weeks later it showed up on Craigslist totally refurbished, not only providing income to the creative person who'd worked on it but new usefulness to the person who purchased it from them (and a little income to Salvation Army as well).
Totally agree on both not using Goodwill as a dumping ground as well as the storage unit size. If Salvation Army or Austin Reuse Recycle is not interested in something, and it doesn't sell at a garage or estate sale, it's likely time for the local dump.
We have an unusual situation that has developed, that's working to our advantage. The plan has been to move next weekend, but my mom fell last week and broke two ribs. She is now in a rehab facility, expected to stay there for about two weeks.
We are continuing with the original plan. We will move all the important pieces from the house next weekend, and get everything really set and moved in. My plan is to essentially move the living room intact, complete with all her "treasures", and the bedroom too. We are lucky that mom's house of 57 years is small, and the room sizes are comparable to the assisted living place. My sister will have about a week to get acclimated herself, so when mom arrives, things should already be rolling along pretty well. Mom is very, very attached to her things, so we are keeping the house for a month or more to move all the things she remembers she wants, but hope to not have her visit the home again.
Our hope is that is she has the most familiar things around her, the things she has seen and touched every day, she will not be too upset about things in boxes she hasn't seen in years. But--we will keep a small storage unit for things that might be wanted later. She has spinal stenosis and most of life for the last couple of years has been the living room, bedroom and kitchen--so trying to "replicate" these spaces, and hope it feels familiar and safe. She is social, so also hoping being around people and doing activities will keep her busy enough to not obsess about possessions left behind.
Then--and estate sale, the kind where they come and sell EVERYTHING off, leaving your home "broom clean" and ready to prep to sell.
I will post how this goes! We feel that while mom might resent going directly to the AL, it will be better than what would have happened if she had participated in the move. Really, the broken ribs are a blessing in disguise. She will likely still be in too much pain for a couple of weeks to do much more than lounge in bed, so we are hopeful that by the time she is able to get up and about a bit she will be settled in the new place.
Lots of good suggestions here! I have read with interest. Such a HARD thing to do, finding and planning and doing the AL.
The cost of your assisted living is incredible!! I wish we had a lower-cost alternative. We are paying twice that.
These are my suggestions:
1) Have mom choose some things to take with her. More than likely she won’t be returning.
2) Call family members and have them choose important items (this could come after any things are dispersed to loved one per moms directions.
3) Have a yard or estate sale.
4) send the rest to donation center or just put in dumpster.
I heard a very good news story about Goodwill Industries. They advised that if you wouldn’t want to buy the stuff you are donating, neither would anyone else. They stated they spend millions of dollars disposing of stuff that is really just trash. So they said please do not donate trash.
It took us months to clean out my moms home and I actually did not keep much. I had to ask myself if my son would want any of these things and the answer was no.
We still had not cleaned out moms house entirely when we listed it but decided to go ahead because the market was hot in her town and not many homes were available. We sold in one week for 50k over list. In addition to the great sale (moms house was not in great condition) the buyers said they would take the house as is and dispose of anything we could not get rid of. I know that is unlikely in most situations but we were grateful.
We were exhausted. By this point we had filled up MANY dumpsters. I would come into town on weekends then come back again when the dumpster was empty. I hauled home SEVERAL bankers boxes of paperwork to go through to be sure I captured all important paperwork. What was not important I took to a shredding service.
Although we had a yard sale it did not seem like it was much worth the effort because we didn’t make much from the yard sale but a yard sale felt a little less guilt than just getting rid of stuff but most ended up in dumpster anyhow wether we dumped it then or after I hauled it home and dumped it anyhow.
It was very stressful and guilt ridden to accomplish this clean up.
Good Luck to you.
With it being your house, there probably aren't emotional ties as a family home. Once she sees the pretty place you've found, she may be biting at the bit to get there.
I would caution that if there is an mental decline now, moving her again out of this new place may create even faster decline if she has to move out again in a short time. If you can keep looking and maybe find something even more affordable and a longer time to stay in one place, you might do that.
Yes you will have a tough time. When a person is memory impaired, it is extremely hard to make a decision. Then add to it all the people who have a vested interest in the stuff that is left behind....oh boy!
My brother-in-law went the way you are going. He allowed his Mom and Dad to pick out the things they wanted to take. It was very, very painful and slow and at the end, there was still too much for the new place.
When it came to my mother, we did the reverse. I observed everything that she used over a month. We asked about the memories behind the pictures on the wall and some of the major things in the room. We told her that she was moving within a week of the move. For my Mom, if we had told her any earlier, she would have worried and worried and verbalized and not slept prior to the move. That would have left me with a bad attitude, which isn't a good thing when someone is going through a change like this.
When it came to the day of the move, anything my Mom used and most everything that had a memory, we took to her new place. She was not at the old house watching things go into the truck....she was at the new place, directing where the "selected" furniture should go. My BIL was there with her to get the pictures hung up and to do any minor moving. Then we visited every day for a week, to find out if we missed anything else and moved those things also. In addition, if she thought of something she needed, we would bring it over.
It so happened that my sister and family had to leave with the intent of coming back later. I refused to let my Mom go back to her old place during this time.
By the time my sister and her family came back, my Mom had settled into her new place. My sister and her family went through and "packaged" up what they wanted and what I wanted. I had to find a place in my condo for some pictures as they meant something to my Mom. My sister brought my Mom back to her old place for this. As it turned out, because my Mom had what she needed at the new place and it looked complete, she was more than happy not to want anything more.
For the rest of the stuff, some got donated, some got stored, and a lot went into the trash. A few more items went to her new place (yes, she protested!) Luckily, my cousin came to visit and helped me stay on task for this second "wave".
Two weeks later, my Mom's housecleaner did a deep clean and went through all the cabinets and drawers to ensure they were empty and clean. Then the painters came, and we put up the condo for rent.
From the second time my sister came to when the housekeeper arrived, it was one month.
I am so thankful that my cousin was there as she kept me on task and moving toward to the end. It was very stressful for me. But it got done.
...and my BIL's parents? They still have stuff in storage because the parents and the siblings can't decide what they wanted to do with it....4 years later. Dad has passed on, however, Mom is having trouble letting go of his things. It's tough.
The approach we decided to take is sort of in 3 steps: 1) Furniture (only), 2) items required for daily living, i.e. toiletries, a small number of dishes, the clothes she wears most often, etc., and 3) true treasures and important papers.
Yesterday, we moved furniture (only) to the new apartment. Over the next few days we will move the items required for daily living. She will spend her first night in the new place on the 1st.
Mom has been so wonderful about this, and yesterday truly was a good day for all of us. My husband and I were able to simply move the furniture that was to go to the apartment to the front room of the house. My husband put a yellow stickie with the apartment room each piece needed to go to on every piece of furniture to be moved. This prevented any situations where the movers needed to ask Mom (or any of us) if something else was supposed to go. It also greatly reduced the cost of the move, since it saved so much time!
Mom has also agreed to allow my husband to focus on all the things that will go to an estate / garage sale vs. those that will either be donated or (mostly) taken to the dump.
Step 3 has the greatest potential to cause distress, but we hope to focus on that after Mom moves to her new place.
Finally, I wanted to add something: even though Mom's decision making ability and short term memory are compromised she does have a lot of personal insight into her problem. As I, also, have gained more empathy and have been working hard to remember to listen and to step back and take a break if I start to get frustrated, our communication and mutual trust has grown. Yesterday, she told me that having the furniture moved and knowing that progress is finally being made on the horde these issues have grown up around is a huge relief to her.
It has taken me all these years to finally realize just how disturbing, sad and incredibly frustrating it has been for my Mom to find herself unable to make simple choices or to maintain focus in her life. My anxiety and frustration, combined with my father's verbal abuse and decline, really left her backed in to an isolated corner with no advocate who had any real willingness to understand what has been happening to her.
We have so much hope for my Mom's happiness going forward. I think we all know the dementia will continue to get worse (the stress of moving may speed that up, despite the relief it feels to her) -- but there can be happiness and ease despite that if we can make enough physical and emotional space for it. We're on our way. I'll let you know how it goes.
James Gibbons, the CEO of Goodwill, makes an average salary of around $500000 per year ( 2022), yet pays workers far less than minimum wage . He gets away with it claiming disabilities make them unemployable d/t disabilities.