My husband is 83 years old and I am 70. My husband is severely Bi-Polar, severely Paranoid, and a Narcissus. (No, I'm not calling him names. I've been getting counseling because of all this).
I planned to leave him in 2014 but he had a heart attack so I stayed. In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a and so I stayed. In 2016 he had an Aortic Aneurysm and so I stayed. This year his PSA has gone up and hormone treatment for his cancer is not working. He has an Ejection Fraction of between 30 to 35%. He can't walk very well but refuses to use a walker or wheel chair, but I've stayed.
When I go out anywhere without him he thinks I'm going to be kidnapped. He also believes doctors are trying to kill him and believes they killed his deceased wife.
He still is an intelligent man when he can be, it's just his paranoia that gets in the way.
He has had every test run on him known to man. No Dementia, but has had several strokes, bleeding of the brain but he's okay that way of the brain.
His test show his heart is doing okay. Stable. Nobody knows yet why his PSA levels are still rising, test results in December will entail what to do next if they continue to rise.
In the mean time, my husbands Paranoia, Bi-Polar and Narcissistic behviors on top of all that I'm dealing with in regards to his other health issues is taking it's toll on me.
His condition monopolizes my life. On top of me not really wanting to be here, I stayed because I feel it is the right thing to do.
Now I find he is getting very aggressive when I tell him no we can't do this or that. The other day when we were at a restaurant and I told him no regarding a matter, I thought he was going to come across the table and beat me to a pulp. The first time I've seen such aggression from him. He's pretty mean spirited but has never been that physical with me. Has grabbed my arms in the past, but never that aggressive.
I'm thinking about putting him into a Nursing Home, but as I've said. He still is an intelligent man. He just can't walk well. (He does have some loss of memory, but all test results show he's doing fine.)
What is my options of putting him in a Nursing Home? What is my options in leaving a man 83 years old with all these illnesses? Would I be abandoning him? He has 3 boys in the late 50's and 60's who he has nothing to do with, but they try to still have some relationship with their dad, but he just doesn't want any part of that. He just wants ME. I never get a break! He takes away my joy, my independence and life.
So, I've spilled my guts out on here about the bad and the ugly. But I don't know what to do or who to go to from here. My Counselor tells me to get out of the house and get a job. Well for one thing, I'm 70 years old and am almost deaf. I have a good education and went on interviews, but whose going to hire a 70 year old woman?
Any suggestions?
Plus the only money I would have to live on is the proceeds from the sale of our house as the waiting list for Senior Apartments has a 2 year waiting list. Most of the money we had in savings has been spent on our out-of-pocket expenses for all his tests, and hospital stays, and medicine that Medicare doesn't cover.
Plus I've been with him for 20 years now and there are moments when he is the man I thought he was, once. There are moments when I think, well maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion. But in seconds his actions brings me back to reality. It is truly an emotional roller coaster. A typical co-dependency.
But this is a site for being a caregiver and not for mental and physical abuse.
My counselor worries about me too. She thinks I should stay until we get the test results back. I should know more about his health by the end of December. If his cancer is spreading, and if his heart is getting weaker. If I can just hang on a little longer. And here we go again, my waiting for someone to die.
One thing you should know and it does make a difference, is that my husband and I are married in name only and always have. We live in separate parts of the house. It's the way he wants things. So there has never been any closeness between us. If I tried to get close to him, his dog would bite me and he would laugh and say, "Aw she loves her daddy. She's trying to protect her daddy". Yes, I know it's sick. And that is why I am in counseling.
But enough of this. I need to stop. I think the reason why I've said all this is because you don't know who I am, and somehow as I kept typing I just felt like I wanted to tell you everything. Get it all out in the open. And as I write all this and see the words, I think to myself, Oh my gosh, this is awful. How sick I really am for staying this long. I kept making up excuses why I should stay, and I really see now that I truly do need to get out because my story is really bad and you don't even know all of it. As I read what I wrote, I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my story. I can't believe I allowed it to happen. Wow, such dysfunction.
When it is all over with, I will come back and share with you the ending. After writing all this, I most definitely will leave. Once I get all my "ducks in a row", I will leave.
Sick, dying or not.
Thank you for listening and all your input.
Why do you feel you must stay? If he was in good health would it be easier to leave? Why does his poor health make it harder? I think you know it is not going to get any easier.
Your health, safety and peace of mind should be your first concern. Let his sons step up to the plate.
Nancy, only you can decide what you want to do. No one can decide for you. We are all apprehensive when it comes to big life changes and it's tempting just to go on like we are, even if it will eventually destroy our lives. But when we put on our big girl pants and deal with things, it doesn't take long to realize we did the right thing...and the healing begins for us. Good luck. I wish you peace.
So, I've got to make some decisions. Today I have started thinking now about a Nursing Home, so that in itself is a big step.
Thank you all for your advice. I mean that. Because I'm so mentally exhausted that I am not able to make clear decisions any more. I used to be good at this stuff. But now my brain is just burned out. It's tough to put someone in a Nursing Home when they have a strong Character and mindset.
My husband is a recovering Alcoholic. A strong bullyish man. Hasn't had a drink in 40 years but was a real drunk, I'm told, because I didn't meet him until later in life so I've never known him as a drunk. But all he talks about is his "Bar Days"... And his friends were all like him. Viking type men. Always getting in fights. But since he quit drinking he became quite successful and doesn't act that way anymore. But he still has that personality. I worked in Substance Abuse for many years so I know that when an Alcoholic recovers, they still have the same personalty of an Alcoholic.
So, I've dealt with a lot over these 20 years and I'm ready to face the last part of my life with some peace. But I need it soon. I can't explain the depth of how emotional and physically drained I am. I cry all the time. I pray for my freedom. I feel like I'm in prison and each time the doctor says he is now okay, I feel like my pardon was taken away from me. I mean this with my entire soul. And I feel guilty about it.
You know what. The first counselor I saw I told him that I felt guilty because I wished my husband would pass away so I could be free. That was why I first starting going in 2016. I felt so much guilt.
He said to me, "So in other words you want your husband dead". That shocked me. I didn't know if he was asking me if I wanted my husband killed. But if I wanted my husband to pass away so I would be free, then I guess in reality I wanted my husband dead and so I said yes. But I didn't mean I want someone to murder him. Or dead. I wanted him to just pass away from natural causes. But now I have it on my record as wanting my husband dead, and I am so worried about that. If anything happened to husband, they would think I murdered him. So I went to see another counselor and she is fine. But on everything else I've suffered with this man and now his illness, I now have it on record that I want him dead. Wow, what a thing to live with. Because in everything I write, here and now, could be construed as me wanting my husband dead. It's hard to live with that idea.
Granted, he is probably in pain with his various physical issues. I'm sure that affects his mind-set as well. He can't take it out on anyone but you, mostly because you tolerate it. It's easy for us to say "get out" and I've been given that advice too, as well as putting my bedridden husband in a nursing home. But for a lot of reasons, neither one of those options would work for me. Would they work for you? Before you crash and lose your own health, maybe you should visit a lawyer and ask what legal options you have regarding your husband and his sons. More than likely, they don't step up because they know you will. If they're forced to, I'll bet they will. You can also call adult protective services for help. Basically, your future depends on you. What you are doing is noble, but martyrdom has no rewards. It doesn't seem anyone appreciates what you're doing. I'm in the same situation caring for my husband. He's pretty easy going, but if he became verbally or physically abusive, I'd find a way to institutionalize him.
I did call some Senior Citizen Housing for me to move to. And found one. But the waiting list is 2 years. I don't make much money on my Social Security so I can't afford to go anywhere else. And I don't know if I could afford a Nursing Home. But I guess this is where I really need to speak to some one. So all your advice helps me out here. I have to admit. I'm scared.
Yes, it is very tough to take care of a spouse, who is mean and has these mental issues to boot. It took me a long time to save up enough money to make the move, and when I finally had enough money saved to escape, he has a heart attack.
Some times ya just got to wonder where is the justice. But there is a reason for everything. Must be a reason for me staying with him this long, as he still continues his abuse towards me.
Perhaps we go through these tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterwards, when it is all over with. The Freedom.
I don't know how to go about putting him in a nursing home. Who do I call? Do I just talk to our primary doctor? He's still capable of fixing things around the house. I don't know. I'm so confused.
Thanks for you answer cwillie. My family lives far away from me, so I don't have anyone personally or physically to be with me as I go through this stuff. And as far as my friends. it's hard to keep friends when you have a husband who believes people who need friends are wimps.
As far as getting your husband placed in a nursing home I too believe it's time. Do some research on your own. No need to discuss this with your husband right now. Find a few places you like and arrange for a tour. They'll go over all the financials with you. Pick a place and make the arrangements. Many facilities will help in moving the person in. Inquire about these services. At some point the nursing home will send someone out to your house to do an assessment on your husband and you will need to gather documents from his Dr. (although the nursing home may do this as well). Put off telling your husband as long as you can so you don't have to live with his anger and resentment, his sorrow and his fears. Have all of your "I" 's dotted and your "T" 's crossed.
Based on what you wrote this is the right thing to do. There's still a lot of life out there for you. Good luck and come back and tell us how things are going.