I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
LindaGS: I know what you mean.I had no idea I was so tired and that I was like the energizer bunny. Running downstairs to mom every time she called. I'm getting much more sleep, and I still see her every day. I just have to stop feeling so bad for having to leave her in the NH, but like you I did everything I could to keep her at home. My nerves got so shattered I had to be hospitalized myself. This site is helping me though. At least I know there are others who know exactly how I feel. Hugs....
I am experiencing much the same situation, in addition to dementia, my mum is losing battle with cancers. I am a nurse, I have tried to be tough on her, then when I remind myself that mum is fighting an even battle -cancers, my heart bleed for her, she is 87 and had had surgeires for breast and coon cancer. She just had an op for normal presure hydrocephalus due to a fall in a hospital which did not provide non-slip bathmat and she ws there for reversal of her ileostomy. I don't get angry when she behave 'badly' feel sad for her as she had develop OCD resulting from her brain haemorrhage. Yes, I can't change things and make them better for mum , the only thing I feel that I am very inadequate is when mum raised the ? of I am afraid of dying @ times, and at times she becomes really angry with God for not ' tackling the 'devil' that is giving her all the suffering. I still pray and reassure mum that God has His plan for each and eveyone of us, we will need to trust Him. I feel for you and I hope things will get a little better for you as we all love our parents but parenting our mums and dads is much harder than anything elase. God bless Juliek
is a sad situation but id suggest getting her back into her own home under hospice care. they even provide extra personal services at 15 bucks an hour. an elders health and well being is greatly enhanced by being in their own home.. the best assisted living arrangement still amounts to a motel room. id be miserable too..
A fellow caregiver on the site has resurfaced this subject/question. Below is a link to this new thread. She has requested some professional/expert advise in which we have sent it to a few of our experts in hopes for their take on this. Feel free to check it out.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Caregiver-Stress-Unhappy-Elder-why-Revisit-a-post-from-2012-156163.htm
The AgingCare.com Team