I’ve tried being nice about her complaints and I’ve tried being rude but neither way has been effective. I am an only child and work full-time and I’m also married with two grown children. I’d like to have a life of my own and she never had time for me until my stepdad died. Does anyone have any effective ways of dealing with this? Something that’s worked for you? It’s not so much that I feel guilty but I feel annoyed by her and her trying to guilt me
The worst thing is leaving the visits up in the air; not establishing a routine with when you'll go and how long you'll stay. When you do that, you set boundaries and rules to the whole mess. You know ahead of time what to expect of yourself and when you'll leave, how long you'll stay, etc. Then the game is played by YOUR rules & not hers. Women like this love to be in charge and then change the rules constantly so WE are kept off balance. THIS is part of what makes the relationship annoying & unstable. The 'not knowing'. If left up to your mother, she'll expect you to be there every day & it still won't be enough. So that's where you can change things. YOU come up with the schedule; YOU make the rules and then stick to them like glue. She won't like it but hey, who cares? These women don't like ANYTHING we do so what's the difference since it's ALL not good enough ANYWAY? Pick a day and time you'll go visit, say Saturdays from 1 pm to 4 pm. Decide what you'll do for her during that time, errands you'll run, or if you'll fix things around the house, take her grocery shopping, etc. I don't know her or what she needs/wants, so that is up to YOU to figure out. Then let her know what the schedule is, and go from there. Right away you should feel a sense of relief from knowing what is expected of you. Figure out a schedule of phone calls too, even if it's just in your own head; decide you'll speak to her on X days and the rest of her calls go straight to voicemail, for example.
That's really the best way I've found to manage difficult mothers and their expectations of us (I'm an only child too).
Good luck figuring out a schedule that works for YOU!
Sweet little old ladies my eye. More professional ninjas.
Ask her what she thinks she would be doing if you didn't live locally to her, like so many other mothers and daughters? What do other mothers do who don't have daughters, or even children? (I like asking these types of questions because it helps them put things in perspective).
If your mother doesn't have cognitive, memory or mobility issues, and if she is still a good driver, maybe encourage her to "go outside" of her herself and do a few hours of volunteerism every week. My mom worked the lunch check-in at our local senior center and loved it. Help her find places where her help would be appreciated.
Get her an inexpensive tablet and show her how to play card/board games on it (my mom loves hers and has had a very cheap Verizon-brand tablet that cost $5 a month). She spends several hours a day playing games, I even have a Lumosity subscription for her.
Consider a pet. Pets are wonderful but your mom needs to be willing and able to afford it and care for it (but they do take a lot of the edge off loneliness). Having to walk a dog covers both exercise and social interaction (the dog walkers barely make progress in my neighborhood because they always stop to chat with each other).
See if she can is willing / able to help YOU. When I had 3 young kids and worked full-time in my business my mom helped with cleaning, shopping, child carpooling, laundry, meal prep and cooking (not every day, and I did pay her even though she didn't want me to). Maybe have her chop veggies or pre-cook things to move dinner along faster. Reward her by eating a dinner with her every once in a while (or weekly).
Help her sign up for Community Ed classes,
Help her start or restart a hobby. When my very elderly Aunt in FL found it too hard to stoop over to garden, I helped her purchase raised gardening tables. She loved it!
I believe in helping her jumpstart "something" because it's to your benefit to do so. In the end if nothing works, then you know you've done every possible thing to encourage her. If she doesn't help herself, please know that you're not her entertainment committee nor are you responsible for her happiness. Put up boundaries and stick to them.
My stepfather died about five years ago and as with everyone that’s left, she literally ran him into the ground. He was her punching bag and now I am.
In your first post you talked about how really bad Mom is. "I feel annoyed by her and her trying to guilt me" This makes me mad when someone tries this on me. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done more than some for a parent and instead of feeling grateful, she wants more.
Boundries. You set them whether she abides by them or not. In reading Boundries by Townsend and Cloud, my daughter liked this
"In telling someone No, you are not responsible for their reaction to it". No is a one word sentence.
I know when I worked the last thing I would have wanted to do is be at someone elses beck and call. With a DH and 2 girls, I had enough responsibility without throwing a "needy" parent in the mix. Which TG I never had because I don't do needy well.
I would be honest with your Mom. I would tell her that times are difficult for you. You have your own life, family, job, friends and things are a bit unsettled in the world at present. Tell her that you understand she is alone, would like more visits, more help, but that you are doing the best you can. Tell her that you quite honestly and quite frankly cannot put onto your account something that adds to your unhappiness at the moment. That visits to her leave you unhappy. That you recognize she has worries and problems that cause her to be unhappy, but that you can not fix things, and things cannot always be fixed. Let her know that visits will be less frequent and less lengthy when they add to your burden and leave you thinking that you did little by the visit to help or relieve or lighten her own load. Be gentle. She will likely respond as she always has, but you will have given her your own truth. Then go on with your own life knowing that not everything can be fixed and you have a right to your own life.