Does anyone else wonder how our generation will handle end of life care?

Hello.

ive been paying for longterm insurance for my husband and myself since i was in my mid-50s and keep hoping the insurance keeps us on. I turned 80 this year and am still active and looking for a job. But im not counting on on my health.

i wrote a letter to my daughter and granddaughter (Out if state) the other day telling im apologizing now for what the future may bring. I havent mentioned that i have low-grade hardening of the arteries which is incurable. I’ll tell them as progression happens as there is no cure. It eats away the white matter in the brain.

i’ve investigated long term facilities in the area as my husband refuses to go and i will be on my own and of course want someplace nice.

anyway ... to answer your question ... yes i do think some things are generational. Im old enough to remember smelly crowded nursing facilities. In fact unfortunately they are still around. But ive found some clean sunny active places and am on the waiting list for when the time comes. I just hope my mental capacity is intact to enjoy those before going to memory care ... also nice facilities ... where i wont notice.

of course the main ingredient in all this are the caregivers. The facility may be beautiful but if the caregivers arent it will be sad.

now all i need to do is clean the house.

Yes. I've become more religious (LOL) because I pray the end of my life is safe and comfortable and not in an institution or any setting beyond what brings me the comfort...of home. I have chosen not to have children and am single and there are many more of me floating around out there getting older as we all are. I have worked in the field and remain haunted by a determined woman who was estranged from her only child who lived far out of state. Against her thoughts and feelings, but later delighted...a social worker (not me) communicated with the adult son who got re-involved until her death. Her home looked messy but was set up for her comfort and ability to function/manage independently. I try not to worry because of reading reports that those that caregive for those with dementia have an increased risk. I have seen my grandmother in a bad nursing home in the years before Alzheimer's was even discussed, and now my mother, age 98, clearly has dementia and would not be able to be in her home without the 24/7 presence of myself and my father (who is clueless as to risks/dangers which adds stress to me). He is very naive and trusting. Right now, as I write this I see the garage door is open with his lawn mower in clear view, 2 cars in the garage, his with the window down and remote for the garage able to be easily taken.
Anyhow, although I have friends, a recent short stay in the hospital showed me who would be there for me and it wasn't who I expected completely...though maybe not so bad a thing since I realized a couple who didn't were so complacent and succumbed to medical authority they would not be a good advocate for protecting my well-being. Which boils it all down to the person caring for me being potentially an out of state somewhat self-centered sibling. As in she would never consider moving back to this state unless it greatly benefited her, as in if she were in great need and needed my help.
Just a different spin for those who do not have children...and it does sound like your mother has not been a nice person...I can relate to that. Take care...

Good Morning, You have just described my situation, except i brought my mom to live with me after I sold her house. She is being taken care of by a Health-aid while I am at work. My mother has NPH, her shunt never really gave her the quality of life we were expecting. She is now very fragile and I believe she is entering end of life stage due to the deterioration of her brain.

The experience of taking care of my mother and all I have endured because of her personality, i have enrolled myself in a Long Term Care policy for my old age phase. Not only do I not want to be a burden, but i certainly do not want any family member telling me where I have to be. I do not have children, only stepchildren, nieces , and nephews. I have seen everyone of them wash there hands and not even call to see how she is doing. My brother and his children live 4 hours away from me, my brother has come to
see her 4 times in the last 4 years and two of his children have only come once. These are the nieces and nephews that would probably send me straight to a nursing home. You need to put a plan in place for yourself now and not assume or hope that in the future you wont be a burden to anyone. The feeling of burden may turn out to be the person responsible for handling your affairs and may not have anything to do with you doing anything wrong.

Your mother sounds like my MIL. It is not you. It is that she has never been nice. My MIL never asks about her grandkids or greatgrandkids. She is only concerned about her stuff. Like you my wife still cares for her. But it is effecting her health and our marriage. Good luck.

i can definitely tell you that old age alone does not cause narcissm nor any other mental problem. My Mama, my Grandma, and many other beloved family members retained their lovely and strong characters and oersonality until death.i cannot fully explain dementia nor can anyone. however, I do know head injuries can cause it. i also do know that ongoing drug use whether legal or illegal inevitably leads to mental problems even dementia.I am 86, strong, healthy, med free, and pain free. I am hoping and praying that good food, hard work, and the grace of God will allow me to stay in my right mind and die in my own home. However, I do have LTCI and I have instructed my son and my doctors as to which assisted living facilities I would prefer if i become physically or mentally seriously impaired.I also am debt free and my funeral is fully paid for. I will always be glad I threw away prescriptions for vicodin, lipitor, fosomax, and thiazide without ever filling them. I advise everyone to avoid such things and also to avoid any so called antidepressants.Love to all

I think some of the older generation feels that they should be taken care of by their children because that is what they did with their parents. But we are in different times and not "all" people can be caregiver 24/7 and hold down their own family/jobs, etc.  There are some that were born to have that in their genetics but not all.  We all say we won't be a burden to our kids, but at some point we will rely on them for certain things.  But it is up to "us" to make sure our children know that when things get to be too much for them, that "we" would like to be placed into a facility where we can be taken care of and then "hopefully" our children will come and visit.  Both my parents said that when they could no longer be taken care of at home, they didn't want to be a burden and go into a home.  My dad developed dementia and after many falls and my mother "losing her sanity of his antics" (she is diabetic and her sugars were going up), we had to have him placed into a NH (which happened after the last fall).  My mother, 93, (I can tell) is starting to have some minor memory issues and I am sure within the next year or 2 she will also be in a home, at her request of nothing being a burden.  Each generation has their own issues but we all must make our wishes known beforehand (get POA's in line, write down what you want, etc).  Have a good elder attorney lined up also.  Wishing you luck.

My wife and I have no children and not enough money to pay for EOL help. I wonder if we could decide to die, but who would help us?

I believe a few factors are at work here. For one, many children no longer live close to their parents--they accept employment far from their parents because that's the nature of society now, especially for those with educations, and many move several times during their careers. Another is that many of the parents are living longer than in previous generations, so, as an example I like to give, the parent who died of a heart attack a generation or two ago now gets a bypass, and then lives a few years more while developing dementia. The difference between, let's say, 85 and 92 can be like night and day. Finally, in many families there are fewer children, so the tasks associated with caring for parents falls on one or two children instead of perhaps five (and of course in other families there are no children, so the parents must obtain their care outside the family).

Having said that, I believe there will always be some narcissists. My nephew got married last year, and they are currently planning to move 900 miles from where they are currently living. The bride's sister, who lives quite close by, is very resentful toward them...because she is worried as to whom she'll get to babysit her 12 y/o son when she and her husband want to go on a vacation!

I have no children and hope to spend the next few decades cultivating strong friendships. Eventually I hope my partner and I will living close to or on the same property with several families and couples, and helping one another as we grow old. Perhaps pooling resources to hire nurses and whatever other help we need. Having communally owned gardens, dogs, cats, goats and other pets around so we stay youthful and joyful caring for other living things. There are some communities already established along these lines.

Peace and strength to you as you navigate your healing journey! It is beautiful that you do not wish to burden your children; I would not be surprised if they reward your thoughtful and kind nature by wanting to care for you.

It is perhaps important to note that no assisted living facility will be perfect because nothing in this life can ever be perfect. Even the very best place will be somewhat restrictive and freedom is the most precious and enjoyable thing to most of us.When, for whatever reason, we become helpless and dependent we must make the best of our situation. We must arrange the best we can way ahead of time and adjust ourselves as best we can.Avoiding becoming a burden to anyone isd in itself a very enjoyable feeling. Love to all

Don't assume anything about what you will or will not do when you get to be 86 years old. You can only hope that you are of sound mind and can make the same decision that you mention at this point in your life.

I don't think most older people intentionally end up relying on their children. It can come because of an accident or health problem that they (and the family) hope is just a bump in the road and ends up being a long term problem. You go to help out for a short period of time. They weren't ready for a major change in their life like moving out of their home. One day becomes the next.

When you don't have the story book family relationship early on, I suppose it does create resentment when they need you most because you remember when you needed more from them at an earlier time.

The most you can do at this point is to give your own children what you didn't get so they don't have the feelings of resentment should things not turn out the way you plan them at your current age versus the reality of what you become at age 86.

I don't think your mother's attitude is a generational thing. It is just her personality and her expectation that she is to be taken care of.. Another older adult, like my own father, would apologize to us for "being a bother" if he had an emergency and he expressed gratitude for our doing even the most basic things.

I sounds like your mother i fortunate enough to have the resources for her ongoing care. You do not need to cater to her selfish complaints and demands. visit her if you wish and tell her you are glad she has a clean, safe place to live, but focus on taking care of yourself and the rest of your family.

I think that many of us, in our 50's/60's who have or are caring for our parents/inlaws have learned a lot of lessons from our efforts. My parents died young--my father was 45, my mother 57. My inlaws are very self centered people, They chose not to live here in retirement, and spent very little time with us/their grand kids. My MIL has been unkind to me most of my marriage. She is a very insecure person. I believe she was very wounded in her youth and hurt people hurt people. Their choices have made their relationships very shallow, and quite honestly, after facing years and years of trying to please them, be kind to only get accusations and ugliness, I gave up. I support my husband and my brother and do a lot of the behind the scenes work, but don't have much relationship. None of their grands have much with them because my inlaws never chose to invest beyond a "trophy picture on the mantle" depth with them.
SO we and our kids have learned through this. We are making proactive steps to get our finances in order. We are making our house where we can live in it until we need a NH. We told our kids to just turn the locks to the outside and lock us in if they had too! haha! (that's a joke...sort of). We are also getting all the POA's in line. Wills in line. etc. BUT more importantly, we are fostering a good and loving relationship with our sons & their wives. We are not wealthy by any means, but we hope to have enough to get by comfortably.
I had to help my aunt/uncle to downsize their 4000 sq ft farm house when they finally moved to independent living senior apartments. That experience taught me a LOT about what is important to hang on to and what is not, so DH and I have been downsizing our treasures and continue to do so. We have realized that some of the things we inherited will not have the same emotional connection to our kids, because they never knew the people they came from, so we are prepared to let go of those things.
When it comes down to it, the most important things on earth are not things--they are people. The people we have relationships with. SO we are focusing on making those relationships rich and pleasant.

My mother took care of my grandmother at end of life. As a granddaughter, I was a part of that. I enjoyed 3 generations in one household. Now I am taking care of my mother at end of life. Consists of both good days and bad but overall I would not institutionalize her. I've witnessed first hand very poor care in facilities. My mother and I discussed her wishes prior to now and I will do all I can to keep her at home and bring in help when/if necessary. I think our lifelong relationships with our mothers can affect our desire to caregive or not.

if she complains there, just imagine how she would if living with you..so don't resent because there is nothing you can do about it. Live your life and plan for your old age while still in a good frame of mind..i am doing the same at age 67

Hard to say. As I was growing up there always seemed to be an unspoken rule about respecting your parents, grandparents as they aged.

My family was not prepared for old age. No life insurance adequate to take care of final expenses.

My my parents lived in the moment and never worried about the future.
My dad had a good paying job that he was very fortunate to have .
But saving money and preparing for their old age and death was not a priority.
MY mom realized this when it was too late and she had Parkinsons.
My husband and I have life policies so that our children aren’t scratching their heads when we die .
I don’t understand how you can not think of at least that much. It’s s responsible thing to do.

I'd say it's much more a matter of individual personalities than specific generations. You could throw darts at a map and find all types.

Based on just the title, I thought the question might be about younger people with slacker attitudes toward caregiving in the future, but any generalizations probably don't fit this topic.

I have the same situation like you. I certainly don’t want my daughter to suffer like me. I have an elderly mom with Alzheimer who chooses to stay in her own home. She kicks out any Caregiver and refuses to be placed in an assisted living. She expects her children to take care of her. I am not going to do this to my daughter. I am searching from now where to go and what would be suitable for me. I am 67 and I have a special need son. I am very much fed up with my life. I have a lot of pain and I have to deal with all sorts of health issues. I am very sorry that we have to be suffering so much.

Your insurance has "counseling opportunities". You need help for youself and how to deal with your mothers behavior and "stuff" that is important to her. She will continue to "live" her values.

I firmly believe we will need to make whatever arrangements we want for ourselves because if we don't then we will have no say so in the matter. We need to pre-plan what we want done with our bodies, what medical treatment we want & don't want, how we want our possessions & property disposed of (if we have any left), etc.

Both of my adult children will have nothing to do with me. One has told me I was a terrible mother - that it's always been about me & my wants & that I'm evil & bad but he won't tell me why he feels this way that I must figure it out for myself. My younger sister can only come up with one example with my elder son. Be that as it may, I am at a loss & as things stand now there is no way I can rely upon either of them & if given the way they feel about me, do I really want them to? No, I wouldn't trust them.

In case you're wondering, I made mistakes - lots of them - but I also did many good things with their future & intellectual development in mind. As a single mother whose ex-husband never paid more than $5.00 at a time in child support & only when he was in prison, I never had much money. My mother & younger sister helped out as did a paternal aunt & her husband.

I am told I only took care of them out of guilt & I never wanted to be a mother, I suppose that's why I paid for Aikido lessons, taught them how to eat with chopsticks, made the extra effort to take them to a school where they would be in classes with the children of foreign students attending university, introduced them to a wide variety of different foods so they would not be afraid to try things, & more.

Sorry, this is an extremely difficult position to find myself in. However, this is why I feel I must take care of things myself. Furthermore we don't have any assurance our children will outlive us or be geographically close enough to do so even if they could.

Therefore, if we don't make plans for ourselves . . . it may be the government that does & we may very well hate the results.

I don't think we really think about it until a loved one is going through it. I'm lucky enough to have siblings that really share help with my mom. I'm planning for my care as much as I can. LTC insurance, etc.

It might be a generational thing. My Grandma lived with my parents for the last 22 years of her life. My Dad and Mom came to hate it. I flew in and was at my Grandma bedside when she passed. I could feel the terrible tension between my Mom and Grandma in her last moments. I swore I never wanted to die angry like that. I’m now the caregiver and POA for my Mom. She lives independently at a senior living. They also have assisted living and skilled nursing. My Mom would love to be living with me and my husband but she is very critical and has imaginary Illnesses to get attention. There are very good facilities out there but u have to really check them out and get referrals. I’m a 12 min drive away, see her at least 1x per week and we talk frequently. My sister also will not take her in. You have a lot on your plate and are overwhelmed. Find a good facility, hold your ground with her and your resentment will lessen. You are not a bad person. I also will not do this to my children. I never want to leave this world angry and with hate in my heart. Take care.🙏💕

It's up to you to draw the boundaries with your mother. Speak to a therapist or counselor if you need help coping with her demands. You have your own life and responsibilities, including for your own health. Your mother is responsible for her own happiness. People who choose to be in AL often do it because they don't want to be a burden on their loved ones. Thank your mother for helping you be an independent and responsible person. When you are with her, try to have fun and be loving with her. Make it quality time.

Your mother is selfish and self-centered and cares only about herself and you have all kinds of problems to tend to. Her behavior is impacting you and you are allowing it. Tend to yourself and to your family. Stop allowing her to upset you by staying away and not taking too many calls. Her behavior does not justify you tending to her. While you are able to do so, make sure your affairs are in l00% current order and your wishes know. Sort checking out what kinds of places exist and think abut what you would like. And always be kind and gentle to your family and children. Take care of yourself - put her on the back burner. She made her bed so let her lie in it.

If the situation was reversed, if she is truly a Narcissistic person, she would've placed you into a facility, without your consent

Narcissistic personalities are nightmares for those involved. Perhaps her generation is dominantly narcissistic, as George Carlin would say.

As for me, I'll leave my care in the hands of professionals.

Comingtoterms:

Clearly you mother is who she is and nothing you do will change that. Let her think what she wants, complain all she wants, be angry all she wants and just ignore it. It's hard to ignore, but do your best. Continue to provide for her basic needs, a few gifts/treats, and let her complaints and demands fall on deaf ears.

"I make sure to take care of all her medical needs, pay her
bills, bring her homemade meals and treats, visit when allowed, etc. I do everything I should to be sure she is safe and cared for."

This is basically what I do too. There are those who will criticize this, saying you should do more, take them in, etc. Ignore them. You are doing what you can and then some, so if she doesn't appreciate it, so be it. Given your own health and concerns, more focus needs to be on YOU. If you don't care for yourself, who will see to her needs then? Try not to let her demands stress you - that's all they are and they won't/shouldn't be catered to. If she acts up, spend less time with her - just drop the food/gifts at the front desk and let them bring it to her.

My anger/stress was more because of my brothers and their lack of help and concern, but I eventually realized that it was only affecting me, not them, and have been able to get past all that! My focus is on ensuring mom has her needs met, but without compromising my needs as much. Those two can go pound sand, and once mom passes on, I won't be dealing with them, at all.

Is it generational? Not really. Some people are grateful for whatever family can do for them. Some, like your mother, are never satisfied. My former MIL wouldn't have been happy if my kids spent every day with her - it was NEVER enough. She was "entitled", felt she was owed something for being a grandmother, lived for the day she would be one. Her own daughter never had kids, so my kids were it and she complained all the time if she wasn't getting what she thought was enough time with them. Not one thought about me. I was the vessel to bring forth the grandchildren, nothing more.

When our generation gets to this point, it won't be any different. Some have planned, others haven't. Some have unreasonable expectations, some don't. Dementia throws a monkey wrench into everyone's plans, both those who are afflicted and those who have to deal with it. I have been trying to ensure there will be funds to provide for my care, should I need it, and have told my kids to find a nice place for me, visit if you CHOOSE to, manage for me as I have for my mother and live your life, plan for your own future needs!

Do take care of yourself. Take a few breaks from all you do for her. Maybe if you skip a meal or two, or some treats, she might be a bit more appreciative when you bring the next one. Maybe. Don't hold your breath! But, seriously, you do need to focus more on you. Get healthy and don't fret over anything she says or does. As NYCdaughter says "Your mother is responsible for her own happiness."

I wanted to post this separately, partly to keep focus on one reply about the original post/questions, partly because I know I would exceed the character limit. This comment is in regards to some other comments. There have been worse ones, but still, we don't need lectures, we don't need some person out there telling or even demanding that we do what they deem appropriate. Those who blindly respond without understanding the whole picture are annoying too.

"You obviously haven’t read my entire post."

Unfortunately this happens all too often. You can see it when the author clearly states the LO is living in their home, and the comment will refer to how sad it is living in a facility! Sometimes they may post quickly, without digesting everything and perhaps other posts haven't been made yet. Other times there may be numerous posts and they just don't feel like wading through them all. At the very least, everyone should skim through, because often there are revelations from the OP in response to questions or comments made by others. Sadly some don't bother. If their answer is at odds with the information you've given, just ignore them.

"Please understand that when you choose to respond to someone’s query, it’s important to read their words first, and not merely respond in a way that makes you “fluff your own feathers.”"

Yup, couldn't agree more. Sometimes the original question is brief, maybe lacking in details, which one may or may not get more information for it from checking OP's profile, but it would be better to ASK questions before blindly spewing something. I do my best to try to read what has been posted, both comments and responses, check other's suggestions and tailor my response as best I can after digesting it all (exceptions are knee-jerk reactions to some of the responses that are uncalled for, such as those who tell us we should take care of our LO ourselves and feel blessed that we can do so. THEY don't know anything about us, what our capabilities are and other factors, and it isn't their place to TELL us what to do. We are here to offer USEFUL suggestions, USEFUL advice and often just good old commiseration. That last one CAN be a bit helpful, just in knowing that we are not alone!)

"If you were blessed with a healthy childhood, be grateful, but don’t tell others what they “should do” or how they “should feel.”
It’s self-serving and arrogant."

Touched on this in the () in the last paragraph. I've "coined" a new term for some of these people - Nagative Nancy! It was originally a typo that I caught very quickly, but decided it was more appropriate and left it as is (with disclaimer that it was a typo, but now it is a new term!)

Anyway, it is unfortunate that we have some of these people on the forum. Some do learn. In the past there were a few doozies, but I haven't seen them around much lately - moved on to more appreciative sites? You might even get used to the screen name and/or MO used in the comments. There is one in particular that I can peg just from the comment itself! That one REALLY annoys me and wish we could get that one booted from the forum. 1-2 "okay" posts from the person, but the rest of the comments, eeesh. Most of the time, we all just move on past these comments and focus on the helpful comments.

Don't let them chase you away or get you down! DO take care of yourself and focus on getting healthy.

I don't think it is a generational thing. I live in a seniors facility (independent to assisted-living). One complaint here is of adult children trying to "run" their parents lives. The complaint is made good-naturedly , but I know it annoys some seniors. Of course, I can't know all the details of parent adult-child interactions. But I can tell you what I don't hear. I don't hear that kids don't care about their parents medical complaints, physical, shopping or social needs. I don't hear that they don't visit (this is pre-covid). Sometimes there may be a wistful hope that family could visit more often or stay longer when they do visit. But this is frequently tinged with a certain amount of pride that the son or daughter is busy with important business or personal obligations.

Of course, my opinion is influenced by the fact that I'm acquainted with fewer assisted-living residents than independent-living residents. It may be that certain individuals, revert more willingly to dependence than others. Some, as described here, may have a life-long habit of manipulating others. This is not likely to change. But I tend to think that self-sufficiency is one of the most valued personal traits in American society regardless of generation.

Imho, my story was likened to your mother's wishes, though I don't have cancer and I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. My mother demanded to live alone in her own home 7 states from mine and all the way across country from my sole sibling. My mother was an ill woman and when her blood pressure dropped to passing out levels, I had to leave my home, husband, family and all else behind to move in with her as an elder myself.
I vowed long ago to never do this to my daughter. Prayers sent to you.

I apologize I have not read all the replies yet..

I just wanted to wish you well for your upcoming treatment. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive people, enjoy better times with your son & enjoy those grandchildren too! Also that you are cocooned from those that cannot offer support.

Regarding your Mother, when I meet older folk sad about leaving their houses, I truly empathize. But if I get a whiff of that entitlement you spoke of, I change tack to 'well, if you wished to keep your house & employ servants round the clock, you should have'.