Does anyone else feel that their mother treats their sons differently than daughters?

Oh yes. I have 5 brothers. They all drive past my grandmothers house every day yet I’m the one that gets the phone call about visiting even though I’m an hour away. My mother complains about how her mother’s expectations of her sons and daughters differ yet my mother is the same. I remind her. She asks me because I won’t say no. She my mother. And she’s dead now.

I know my mother treated my brother different. I never let it bother me, but I saw it. It seemed the sun rose and set in her son.

Vannesa1: You are NOT alone! I dealt with this exact situation all my life. In the end, my precious mom was in hospice (in a hospital setting) and my brother PROMISED to take turns with me wherein he would stay with her overnight and then the next night I would stay with her. (I actually planned on staying each night but didn't tell him that as I would have welcomed him being there with me every other night as promised). For 13 days and nights I stayed with my mom...alone. Not one night did my brother stay with me. He went on dates with his girlfriend, stayed home "to let the dog out" (when others offered to do same!) and ALWAYS had some excuse not to stay with his own mother.

I ended up witnessing horrific things with my mom...her screaming out in pain, writhing in pain, choking and much, much more which I won't describe here. My brother is 10.5 months older than me and ALL his life my mom treated him differently. He was always spoiled, selfish and always gave my parents a hard time. It was as if he didn't know right from wrong. I now see it's a sickness of some kind. Maybe Narcissism and I try not to be so angry and resentful of what he put my parents through but, it's so hard.

I totally understand your feelings and, as described above, you are certainly not alone.

The only thing I can offer you is this...in the end...you know what you did for your mom and that is all that matters. You did your best and gave your all. Whatever your brother did (or didn't do) is on him; not you.

Bless you for what you are doing for your mom. She is very, very lucky to have you as her daughter.

I'm here if you need to vent or talk. I understand.

This happened in my husband's family. His sister was the favorite to the point where she could do no wrong and took advantage of that situation. My husband had a job, so they gave him little, but his sister was indulged. She had been a drug addict for over 30 years and the parents wouldn't listen to us or anyone about it...complete denial. Money spent bailing her out etc etc. She was later living with MIL and supposed to care for her, and died of an overdose several years ago. Suddenly my husband was considered when there was no one else to care for MIL. After MIL passed away 3 yrs. after SIL, we found evidence that she had been giving a couple thousand dollars a month to SIL.!!! I have never seen such favoritism for one sibling over the other despite so much wrong doing, or such denial of a problem in that sibling. It is all over now, but I will always wonder how such a thing could happen.

Several weeks before my brother’s birthday, my mom would call me for long discussions about what she should get him. One month later, my birthday would roll around and — nothing. No gift, no card, not even a phone call. For YEARS.

It happened for so long that I was able to work through the disbelief, the hurt, the anger and arrive at the other side — indifference. But one time, I sarcastically asked if she even remembered my bd and in complete self-defense and with righteous anger, she pointed out that she told some nameless aide at the hospital that it was her daughter’s birthday.

My brother was gold to her and I was not, all of my life. I have had a successful life with a professional career, it just is what it is. She could ask what time it was, and if I answered first, she would check with my brother 😂

You are not alone. I did not suffer from it from my mother, and anyway I'm an only child, but I've seen this practically everywhere : grand-mother, aunts, mothers of several friends... I even know a woman who rejected her daughter at birth just because she didn't want a girl, dotes on her son and tries to sabotage every relationship he has, to keep him for herself. And succeeds ! It's seldom advertised, but women are a HUGE component of sexism. Maybe because really good couples are rare, relationships are important to women, and they need a man (their son) in their life. Men tend to compensate through work (in the best of cases) or addictions. What to do about it ? Nothing. You can't fight the fact that a woman needs a man and has only found her son or grandson to fulfill that need. In an ideal world, the son should gently set limits. A hard task. A woman, being non essential to her, is powerless.

I have read all these posts and I myself have a brother who did absolutely nothing to help care for both parents before they died. WE NEED TO LISTEN TO OURSELVES HERE. Make sure we are not raising these kinds of sons. It needs to start when they are children. Do not wait until they are grown to "expect them to do the right thing", when we never trained them to act that way.

I learned this early in my family. As a youth, I would spend months planning, making or buying just the right gift for my Mom. My brother would walk in a store and buy anything and my mother would melt and gush over it - even though I would know it was something that she normally would not like. Finally, after hearing her going on about something my brother bought, I mentioned something that I had put so much effort into selecting for her and she said, "Oh, that's just what girls do."

Yes! I am primary caretaker to both my bedridden parents. My brother lives in the same town and sees them about 12 times a year. It’s just not in his DNA to do the caretaking thing. He’s supportive in every way, he just has no idea what all is involved in what I do for them. I used to do it all, but we now have hired help, so it’s not as bad. I’ve had to distance
myself from my mother because she takes everything out on me. She calls my brother and talks like they’re old friends, whereas all I get are “to do” lists and complaints of how she doesn’t like the way I do things. Never a “How are you - Do you need anything” like she does my brother. She has always been a great mother who was sure to equally give my brother and I the same of everything. I know she doesn’t mean to treat me unfairly. It’s the circumstances of her being bed ridden and me having to take complete care of them (even if it is through hired help), that she has lost all control and she struggles big time with that. “Control” is a huge thing for my mom. Anyone “running” the show Is the enemy to her and that is me. She’s used to doing everything for herself, and she’s resentful that she can longer do it. She ignores the fact that she should be grateful I’m here to help, and just downs everything I do for them. Yeah, it is tiring and it’s so old. Best thing I ever did as hire caretakers to get me away from her. I set boundaries which she is constantly trying to defy. It’s not my brothers fault she treats him better. If the shoe was on the other foot and he wAs the one here caring for them, the tables would be turned. Hard to keep that in perspective when you’re the one on the front line. It’s a whole new ballgame these days. My parents are leaving the house in the will to us both, but my brother has said he will give me his half. That would be the right thing to do considering I’ve given up my life to care for them for the past 5 years...We shall see.

Vanessa1: I am sorry for your experience and my heart goes out to you. Have you brought this up to your mom and dad?

As a young woman, it seemed to me that (in actions as well as in verbal communications from my parents) my brothers were mostly preferred and doted on more than me. I am thinking some of that was the "time that I grew up in...the attitudes towards females in general, etc."

FF to the present (my dad passed years ago, so my mom is a widow, who was living alone until she could not): The dynamic of who's who in our family is now different because my mom has dementia and doesn't remember she preferred the brothers, lol. I certainly am not making light of how awful living with dementia is; rather I am just reflecting on my surprise in realizing that I no longer am the "not preferred" one.

Anyway...two of my brothers, their spouses, my husband and I have been sharing responsibilities to help our mom through this difficult time (she and dad had put away a lot of money and that has helped her out tremendously at this difficult time with care, residence, etc.).

We're here for you! Vent if you need to and maybe find a way to get your brother more involved.

I am a only child so everything falls on me with my parents and grand parents but I HAD a friend that her mom was like that very similar to my mom, mental issues. She also had a boyfriend that was a moocher, unmotivated, no license at 25 years old needs glasses but always has a excuse for everything. She had a brother that was disabled he was about 7 years older then her but there was her sister that was about a year older then her max. My ex friend was working 60 hours a week, seeing about her brother and managing her mothers household in addition to her apartment while sister literally didn't work, cook. clean, go to school and had a rude demeanor. It is disgusting really how some parents and grandparents do us and expect us to be alright with it and or not have any problems. I let her know that the only person that can change this is her and that to always keep herself at the top of the pedestal. I couldn't watch them drilling her into the ground. Hopefully it sank in before it was too late. I spent about 30 years of my life dealing with unappreciative, non supportive, toxic jackasses in my family and life. I am soon to be 42 I am not going back.

My father just passed in June. I have two brothers who are estranged from the family. They do not call or visit and has not in many years. One brother talked my parents into moving near him some 17 years ago and then after a falling out he neglected them. Sister and I moved them back near us. These boys were the favorites especially for my mom. Now that she is old and failing she loves me. I feel its just convenient because my sister and I take care of all her needs. She has no one else. She has her own apartment in a senior community and will stay there. She has a part time sitter now. I see that she is cared for only because its what God calls me to do but some days are very hard. She is argumentative and impossible to please.

i am in the same boat but im male...my older brother works 60 hrs per week....we both are now at home with mom since covid and have not been staying in our own separate homes/apts(we are both single). i do everything - take vitals in the morning for mom, give her meds, make breakfast, clean the house, laundry, food shopping, drs appts, caring for vegetable garden etc....we are 1 yr apart.....my mom never ever yells at my brother but i get yelled at......i know she loves us both but she feels more comfortable with me i guess to yell at me...its def unbalanced but my brother is better at fixing things, driving us around etc but between my dad(passed 2 yrs ago) and mom, its been trying yet gives me purpose......its hard tho when you feel you do everything ...

Yep. It went on til she drew her last breath. My dad, however, knows how selfish my brother is. My mom was a narcissist...so is my brother.
Let it go. It will never change. Sorry.

YES YES! Throughout My life. The best thing I can say is remind yourself that you are taking care of your parents because you WANT to. (Hopefully that is the case). Otherwise just remember that in the end you will have no regrets about having seen that they got the best they deserved to have. Then just let go (if you can achieve this) the anger and upset dealing with this is causing. I found that I had to do some real soul searching to get to a point that I could accept that my brothers (and there were 3) would do nothing and always expected me to do everything. That was from fixing a curtain to fixing Mom. You are not alone - It is fairly normal for the care to fall on the daughter in a family - don't know why, but sure seems that way.

Take care! And take care of yourself too.

Yes. I took care of my mom. She lived with us 10 years. I’m not complaining but what drove me crazy was that my husband and I did everything with and for her. My brother lives out of state so he called once a week. When he was healthy he would visit once a year maybe twice. Our whole system was disturbed but he could do no wrong. My mom always felt bad for him for so many reasons while I was in charge of all of my moms care issues health and problems. When my brother became sick I protected my mom from this not to break her. He is better now. Mom passed away Nee Years Eve in a skilled nursing home. We got to spend time with her Unfortunately my brother was out of town. I miss her terribly but know she was well cared for with us. My brother is still grieving because he didn’t live here. Life is so difficult.

Dear One,
I can relate to your situation perfectly. Fact is the one who is always there for Mom &/or Dad is the one who is blamed for everything that the elder parent views as “wrong.” I caution you with your brother because if your mother takes his side he could easily go behind your back (as my brother did) and hurt you personally by lying to your mother about you. When parents are elderly they begin to lose their good sense of judgment and can easily believe lies told to them as well as do a lot of lying themselves about the caregiver(s). I know that it’s infuriating and wrong what your brother is doing in not lending a helping hand, but my advice is to do your best to keep your cool & watch him carefully with your mom. Best to you!

Yes. To the point my mom removed me from her will. Put my brother in charge of everything, left house and estate all to my brother. My brother talks bad to her and complains when he has to help her. Me the female has to listen to her complain. She has her whole estate tied up on his name. On 5anxiety meds and has been over medicated self induced for years. I leave all in God's hands.

yep, i got over it

My mom has no problem giving money to her eldest, grand daughter and great grand daughter even though the contribute nothing around here. I call them ufpos useless. freeloading pieces of sh#t.

As far as she is concerned I should be grateful to her because she puts a roof over my head, clothes on my back ( which she gets for free at church) and food in my belly. I gave up a very good teaching position because if I did not come home she would have been thrown into a seniors home. She has the money to pay me live in care giver wages but gives it to the uspos while I get nothing.

Last summer I was stupid enough to give in to her bullying and moved all the furniture in the basement by myself (the others were "too busy" ). It threw out my sciatic nerve and I could barely walk for six months. Even now my foot is still swelled and sometimes I cannot walk. She see's it every day and feels no sympathy nor remorse.

It seems to me in a perverted way that those that treat others like c#ap are worshiped while those that are good to those same folk are treated like c#ap by them. My my what a messed up world we live in.

Absofrigginglutely!!!

Vanessa,
I am 64 years old and up until my mother died several years ago, my mother idolized my two brothers. She expected me to do all the work while my brothers could do whatever they wanted and just watch football on TV. They could do no wrong even though they were married multiple times and would limit very much the time they shared with her. One brother even moved out of town to get a job when he was in his late 20's so he could get away from her, but he was her favorite. The other brother took advantage of her. They both were more financially succesful than me but she would do anything for them and nothing for me. Both brothers and their wives at the time would take vacations together with my mother, but my husband and I were never asked. She told me 3 weeks before I got married (to my one and only husband) that it would never last and that she would leave me no money when she died because she said the marriage would not last, I would be broke and on the streets and felt I could not handle it and she would leave it to my brothers to give me what they could. I've been married 42 years. However, with all that said, she expected me to handle all the dirty work and take care of her on a daily basis. It turned out that when she was declining in health and would need to move somewhere, she died of a stroke so I did not have the daily late life struggle with her a lot of visitors to this forum have. I loved my mother and always tried to make her happy but about 10 years before she died I realized that was never going to happen so I stopped trying so hard and just honored her as my mother which was difficult to do. I think she tried in some round about way about 6 months before she died to say she was sorry for how she treated me.

I think part of the problem was she was from a different generation with strict European guidelines as to what sons should do and what daughters should do never realizing that the world was evolving and progessing so that daughters and women should be respected more and given an equal opportuity. Being a teenager growing up in the 60's and 70's ("You've come a long way, baby") while in a household culture of no advancement for women other than cooking and cleaning and taking care of the men was super difficult. It can mess with your mind and it did but I'm amazed I never become an alcoholic or drug dependent because of it.

My advice is to let it go. You will not change her. If you need to ignore her for awhile or do your own thing, do it. Let the boys handle it. Yes, you will probably be poorly spoken of, but she would do that anyway. What's important is God knows what is going on and as long as you give her as much respect as you can muster since she is your mother, that will go a long way when Judgment Day comes. That's not to say you should not protect yourself. Again, when you need to go away and skip seeing her for a few days, do it. I wish my younger self had done so and not waited so long. Unfortunately, young daughters don't see the reality until they mature. For all young girls out there, if this is your situation, break free from home as soon as you turn 18. Find what you love to do and do it. Don't let anyone tell you girls aren't supposed to do that. Go after your goal. Vanessa, you take care of yourself.

Set boundaries and stick to them. You may be surprised at the respect you receive when you hold boundaries firm. If you do the majority of care for your parents, and they are financially stable, ask to be compensated for your work. A lot of resentment will melt away.

Get over it!
My daughter is soon to be 60 and she still carries this animosity and will not talk to her brother.
Claims he got everything, which is so not true. How long is it healthy to carry this around.I say examine it honestly...if it is true then maybe you need therapy to rid yourself of a llifetime of animosity.....G

Mantra from yesteryear: My son is my son until he takes a wife, my daughter is my daughter for all of my life. There was a great disparity in my mother's treatment towards both of us and I am still simmering 80+ years later. When my brother died, the minister came and interviewed my mother. My name was never mentioned at the funeral, and after the service, the minister and other attendees told me they never knew my brother had a sister. Guess who took care of mom for 30 years ... my mother lived to 96!

I do not know if my brother being her favorite, but if she confronted him on anything, he would not visit her or call her. Unfortunately, most times when he called, he wanted something. My mom would say to him on the big issue, buying the house next to him, I cannot move unless I go with her. I told her, she should do what she wants. She was afraid, he would pressure her to switch houses since his family (her only grand kids) could better use her house. I was her excuse why she would not be able to switch homes. I passed on things, moving away to be with someone I really liked, but felt guilty to leave her, the help and companionship she needed. My mother, would call him and say, I got some extra food or things for him, the grand kids, tell me more about moving, etc...and he would visit while I was at work. At times, she offered me money, but I said I do not need it. I think she felt bad knowing what she was giving my brother and to ease her mind, had to compensate something to me. All I asked of her, help me to help her. We need to work together. After her death, I did inherit her estate, but was willing to work with my brother of what to do with it. I offered his wife any household possessions and she declined. The next time I got any message from him was to start the probate since he is going to contest it on the grounds I coerced/fraud our mom writing her Will. In the end, I refused to settle with him and give him something to make him go away. I was willing to take this to the end. I told my attorney, either way, I would need to sell the house and I rather pay her to defend me and the truth, than reward him and his selfishness. In the end, he withdrew his case. I figured, his attorney was on a contingency and can see the future my brother would not win and he would not get paid. My mom's attorney told me, she did this because, I am weak and my brother would over power me with the estate. When our dad died, my mom gave my brother his business and asked him to run it and after a year, enough to pay off our dad's debt, it is all his. This opportunity gave him the income and time to go back to school and have more family time, since he was being laid off from his job. After two months, he came to our mom and told her, he sold the business and here is $1,000 and sign here. She refused. All I can say to her, she should not be surprised. After 27 years, through the grapevine, I found out my brother died 3 years before. I contacted his wife and she never knew about the past and she just assumed, we were never close and that is why we had no contact. I told her, I did not forget about their children, I mail cards with money for their birthday, etc., but it was hand delivered to my mailbox. After a couple of times, I stopped. When we got together, I gave her the postmarked cards to her children and the newspaper announcements when their children graduated from High School. I did think about them through the years. I did give her our parents wedding, etc...jewelry to pass it down to her children just to keep it in the family (I never had children). I offered my brother's pre-marriage photos of him and other things I stored after our mom died that was at her home. After 30 years of our mother's death, I still carry the guilt not being a better daughter and go the extra mile in making our relationship better. Through that experience, I try my best to help others because guilt is hard to live with. Dec. my husband broke his hip, was in rehab and the week before he came home, his new roommate of 1 1/2 weeks tested positive to the coronavirus (after 3 weeks of the lock down). My husband tested positive. His last two months of life, I could not be with him and eventually the telephone calls stopped. The day he was to come home, he died. The past guilt and now his death and my abandonment of him because of the circumstances has torn me apart.

Yes all time

At least in my life, my mother absolutely treated my brother differently. My brother was the golden-haired boy, no matter how lazy or negligent he was. I could rant and vent about all the verbal and emotional abuse she never failed to aim at me, but it would do no good. It took me many years and an almost nervous breakdown to realize that nothing I did would ever compare to the golden-haired boy, and that my mother was extremely self-centered. I finally decided to stay away from her, to hang up the phone when she became abusive. I stopped taking her to her medical appointments. So, yes, I believe some mothers treat their sons differently. And, there is nothing yu can do to change that. Take care of yourself.

Yep! We make think we've come 'a long way, baby' but for our parents who were raised old school. the woman handled this sort of thing. Back in the day as elderly relatives required more care, they moved in where someone could care for them. The lady in the house took care of that chore.

Also where sons are concerned, when it gets down to the dirty work - very few mom's will want a son to do personal things for them. It doesn't mean he can't do ANYTHING to help.

He can pick up groceries (you do an online order and let him pick up and deliver). Don't wait for him to ask what needs to be done. That won't happen. Call him and tell him you need some help. Be specific about things that would ease some of your load. Groceries, medicines. If he is good with money and wouldn't 'borrow', put him in charge of paying the bills. He can probably do all of it online. Balance the checkbook at his end and keep you aware with pics or copies of the running balance.

OMG! The story of my life!