Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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I’m not afraid of dead people , they are just dead, they can’t hurt you . However , you don’t feel that way. My mother is terrified of death and dying. She wouldn’t let us open windows due to some superstition about it making you die. However she felt better with my stepfather having hospice at home with her. It’s a decision only you can make but if you’d actually move if she died in you home , by all means have her move to an assisted living facility. You feel the way you feel. It might help you though if you did actually learn about the dying process. My stepfather’s hospice had a really good booklet on the dying process, telling you the different stages( ie lack of appetite since their body doesn’t need or utilize food anymore, sleeping dramatically more etc). The whole process can take a few years so it may help you make a “ now or later” decision.
From that experience, I thought it was nice to have him there. The nurse cleaned him up, we were able to have all the family come and see him looking peaceful. He died around 8AM , around 4 the funeral home came, took him out thru the garage then zipped the bag up so we never saw him in a closed body bag, they let my mother decide that.
It still was trumatic obviously but we got to same our goodbyes in private. Better than when my dad died not at home. But like I said , it depends on how you think, neither is the right or wrong way.

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Hi! I met with the funeral director before dad died to make sure they would use our casket. The funeral director suggested that when they came to get dad I should take my mom upstairs. That’s what we did and mom didn’t ask questions. I’m glad we did it that way. The funeral home people were fantastic.

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I've seen it from both sides. My parents both passed in the hospital; Mom had volunteers from our church with her 24/7 for three weeks (she had been in and out of the hospital for about 5 months on her third bout with cancer). Dad also was in the hospital, and I was there with him. My FIL was at our home, where he had lived for some years. We had tried a assisted living facility, which he hated, and had brought him home for a weekend. His heart failed during the night; we both heard his last gasps.
My MIL had been at our house for most of her last year, but was at another son's house,on hospice. I had been called to bring some medicine from her oncologist, so I stayed for an "overnight shift." She was talking to her longdeceased mother and a sister, and kept saying "tomorrow is Sunday!" She passed about 6am, and I think that she was seeing something that she could only describe as a Sunday flavor. My 92-year-old grandmother had been to a grandson's wedding, stayed up late chatting with her sister, and didn't wake up in the morning. One of my uncles and then his daughter lived in her house for some years.
My husband died in the hospital after about a week of slowly slipping away; the observation unit where he was was full of our kids, and nieces and nephews; his siblings came and didn't stay. I was there all day. Earlier in the week, we had smuggled a young grandson, and and grandpa laid hands on him and blessed him. About five months earlier, when we realized that his lymphoma had returned, he had told me "We get lots of choices in this life; this is not one of them."

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partsmom,

Wow, you have been through a lot. Interesting how our lives take so many twists and turns. Thanks for sharing.

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I feared my mother was going to die in the SNF....she wanted nothing more than to come home...so I took her home & now this month it’s 2 years! She’ll be 92 ..I know she has put on weight since she’s home...because she didn’t eat well in the NH...her bones by her neck were showing....not now...as she filled out & got built up . ...so my mother always says she wants to die at home. I really don’t feel comfortable about it happening anywhere...in the SNF or home. I remember when they got all the residents to gather out of the hallway and into the dining area where they couldn’t see a deceased resident being taken off the floor with the bed sheet covering him. My mother was in the bathroom with 2 CNA’s because she needed lift machine. I was worried my mother would see & they would take her out of bathroom back into hallway, so I let head nurse know my concern & she said both CNAs know. It was at that moment I said to myself I didn’t want my mother go that way...& told the nurse that...she answered that eventually it’s going to happen & she will someday pass..but you just don’t want it to happen here...? So I said, “Yeah...don’t want it to happen here...” When my mother came out of bathroom & after they took deceased resident downstairs to morgue, I told my mother, “We’re gettin’ the hell outa here! I promise!” I cannot really say I’d handle it better if it happens at home, but I’ll never get that image out of my head...of the 2 NH workers wheeling deceased resident away with bed sheets covering him ...why did I stay in hallway? I wanted to make sure my mother didn’t come out of bathroom to see it ...

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CaregiverL,

Wow, that experience had to have been disturbing. I don’t even know what else to say. I’m glad your mom is doing better. It’s hard, all around, Isn’t it?

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I had the privilege of caring for both of my parents through their end-of-life process. I am not afraid of death and neither were they - that probably influenced our decisions. They wanted to be in a home setting and with family when they took their steps into their next life. I was glad to be able to provide that for them. We had hospice to help us understand the stages and be prepared for them. I think this is a very personal decision - it really depends on what you, your family and your mother are comfortable with. I hope you have discussed it with her.

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WD,

You’re right. Fear does play into it. Hospice can be a great decision.

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Some elders will actually want to die at home. Unless there's a medical emergency during which an ambulance would be called, it's unlikely that they would die at home. However, it's possible.

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I drowned when I was fifteen. (Obviously recovered.) I was in the water drowning and simultaneously bubbling up out of my body, into the air. When I began to go into my "death agonies", my soul body (really, I had taken on my form, but lit with colored light and swirling colors, such joy and freedom!...) watched floating from about fifty feet above. "Hey, that's me! That's my hair floating on the water's surface." - Remember this if you watch loved one's suffering in last moments. You literally "split". although your family only sees you dying.

Anyway, "Near Death Experiences - NDE's" (hate that expression) are referred to as "the cutting of the coil" in ancient Greek writings. (Think of the umbilical cord!) Your earthly body is just a house for your soul and when you leave it, your "incorporeal" body goes to God! You will see your deceased loved ones (many presenting in their younger selves, and others - like childhood friends, - I even saw quiet people in "old-fashioned" Greek dress, quietly standing by. - My ancestors? It's all love. This is the Big Truth: Every question you ever had is answered. All weight and hardship from life ceases to exist. You feel unchained. You are home.

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puffbucket - that was beautiful and uplifting. Thanks for sharing.

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I had that fear when my mother had cancer in last stage, last year. We lived together, but my concern was that I lived with my teenager daughters. Some things in life are just too much to be observed by a teenager. That was my real fear. In her last days I almost couldn´t sleep at night, knowing that she was going through so much phisical discomfort and pain. , I was afraid and felt too lonely facing this experience. I wish my mother could die at hospice with all the care and support someone can provide. When the moment came, I had to take her to hospital emergency, since she had problems breathing and her blood pressure was going down very fast. finally she died at hospital. Doctors tried to help her die with less pain. It was not the kind of death I wished for my mother, but I gue ss I just tried to help her until the very end. Always by her side. Hope you find your way to do the right thing when moment comes.

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Paula,

I’m sorry. I wish it had been easier for you and your mom. Life gets complicated and not always easy.

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I will answer how I personally feel. When it is my time to die, I want to die in MY OWN BED IN MY 'HOME' wherever that is. I don't ask much but I do ask that. I would never want to die in a hospital or other than my home if I have anything to say about it. Consider this as your gift to the parent. It is part of life and you will feel blessed that you provided this one wish. It will be hard but it is far better than dying in a medical facility. Be strong and recall the good times.

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Riley,

I get it. I respect everyone’s rights to their own beliefs or feelings. May I ask you why do you feel this way? Not prying. You don’t have to tell me. Just trying to understand different perspectives. Thanks.

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I can understand feeling uneasy; it's going to be tough, wherever the death occurs. Many wishes for strength to you.

Mom's death after three days of "actively dying" was in a facility. The SNF was tender of our feelings, and it was my privilege to stay in the room with her for those days on one of their chairs-that-turns-into-bed.

As for anecdotes, my friend's husband died a lingering death as expected at home with hospice's attention with the bed, the white rose on the pillow after collecting his body, etc. When she moved swiftly to sell the home afterwards and went to live in with her 80 year old parents out of state, she told me that she did not wish to live alone, but she wasn't living alone because her daughter and one of daughter's friends lived with her. It did occur that the memories of those last days in the home they shared for 20 years shared responsibility for that move.

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Interesting, white rose?

Ahhhh, yes. Memories. I get that.

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This is a great question! Same concern of mine. I prefer mother's passing not to be in our home. It may be selfish, but I think I would move, like immediately! I just couldn't handle it, and know I'd think of her passing a lot more then usual, if I'm walking by her room everyday where it happened in. No thank you! We have not had this conversation yet, but guess I need to know her thoughts and preference too! If...it can be a preference. I'm almost certain she will need medical intervention due to lung disease. Heartbreaking no matter where though. For sure.

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Dianne,

I don’t feel that you are selfish. I think everyone is different. I am struggling a bit with it myself and that is why to turned to the people here for insight. Thanks for your response. I do appreciate it.

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I was living with my boyfriends parents as their caregiver for 3 years (plus 2 years before that). This past July, they moved into a facility because they couldn't afford to live in their home anymore. His father, to which I had emotionally adopted, died in the facility a month later. Looking at and touching his deceased body.....it just seemed like he was asleep. Not breathing of course, but asleep. He was cool, not terribly cold, to the touch. I couldn't get his mouth to close. I knew he was in terrible health and it was just a matter of time. But when I saw him, it was like the end of a really great book that you had completely and utterly immersed and lost yourself in. The kind you didn't want to end. But it did. And you're in that kinda numb state with the knowledge it's over...and you know it was a good story and that insulates you for a few days afterwards. That is how I felt. It wasn't dramatic. The world didn't crash or fall apart. It was just there. Yes, I was sad, very sad, but there was also a weird kind of peace about it too. Maybe that was self-protection, idk. If you're a strong person, you will probably be able to handle it whether she's home or not. You're going to cry either way, you can't escape that. Where does she wish to be when she passes? In the aftermath, when our heads are clearer and we try to think of the positives, I say I would have felt better if he passed at home. That's where he wanted to be. But at least, he was with his wife. Hugs to you.

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Thanks Liz. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

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Mother has an advance directive. One of the questions is whether she wants to be in her own home when the time comes. She marked yes.
When FIL time came, he wanted to come home. He lived in a bungalow in our property.
When my dad passed he was in the hospital. I stayed with him through his last breath, but I wish we would have taken him home. Not just because that's where he would have probably rather been, but also for my other siblings, for closure.

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Yes I lived with my mother when she passed in her home. She was in hospice care which assisted me and a friend to take care of her while she was passing away, but before hospice, there were signs that I had to educate myself on to know what I was experiencing as her caregiver. My mother was healthy , but she still needed care. If you are thinking about the death of your mother, than why?? Is it because you see her declining or fear? It is easier to put her in a facility, but , in my experience, my mother's peace of mind made her passing more bearable for her. If she is used to you being in the next bedroom and you all have a great relationship than I believe it would be beneficial to her to pass at home. I did my research and looked for signs of end of life outside of a sickness or disease. These signs became a reality, and I was able to track her behavior changes, and make decisions based upon her new normal. Legally, dying at home , you will need advanced directives and a health POA, excellent hospice care, (please do your research),and other legal advice. Journal her changes and make sure you communicate with family, friends, and doctors about her changes as she is declining. It's hard to see, but as I came to grips with my mother's leaving this Earth, I became more aware of her needs than my emotions about her end of life care. But this is my experience, you know your MOM and what is best for her, just weigh the cost to you financially and emotionally, and develop a care pan as you navigate this difficult time. Good luck to you and your MOM!!!

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You sound so organized and disciplined. Interesting how you were able to separate emotions.

What is advanced directive?

Yes, I am her full time caregiver. I am her daughter. Two different sets of emotions. It’s hard. Also, I am not a nurse, a doctor, a social worker, clergy, and so forth. Do you know what I mean?

Plus we all process situations differently.

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I would no more fear a LO dying at home than I would fear them falling asleep here! The Bible (which I trust and believe is God's Word to us, His children) calls death a sleep, in which we lie unconscious until the resurrection, when Jesus will come to wake us up, all at the same time (those who were obedient to Him), and take them to live with Him together in a safe and happy eternity. See 1 Thess. 4:13-18, John 11:11-14; Eccl. 9:5, 6, 10; Isaiah 65:17-25; Rev. 21:1-5.

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I admire your faith. I too believe in the afterlife. Still, just don’t know how I will feel at that time. Will I be shocked, overwhelmed, scared, enormous grief? I don’t know is all. I’ve heard others say, even if they expected death that they were surprised by their reaction.

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Sounds like you would benefit from reading a bit about death to check your feelings. Death is scary to some but it is just the absence of life (as we know it).

In my way of thinking (believing), the soul lives on but the physical body dies. Your mother (her essence=soul) will always exist but the body wears out and has a limited time in this physical realm.

I imagine my dad’s soul having the ability to go anywhere. There is no old, worn out physical body to deal with anymore. You are limitless in the spiritual realm.

Educate yourself (as I did before the first semester of nursing school) so, when death comes, it’s not caught you “off guard”. Elizabeth Kubbler Ross has written a book, “On Death and Dying”, that I studied in 1976. Maybe it will give you a better grip on it and you will feel better about your mom passing at home.

Good of luck and God bless.

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Sue,

I want to read a book but don’t know if you make me even more scared. What do you think?

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My mom was on hospice and passed away in our spare room, which was hers for 2 years. I had excellent hospice people, and the privacy was better than in a nursing home. It was nice and quiet for mom and I played alot of her favorite classical music. She was able to nap without hearing commotion from the hallways and blasting TVs which were the norm in a facility. People have died everywhere for thousands of years. Who knows who died on the spot we are sitting at the moment...However there were visual disturbances that were probably from a retinal detachment I had, but wonder about to this day. Before her death I did have short glimpses of a dark cloaked figure in various corners of different rooms. The figure went away after. It may have been stress of caregiving, or the retinal issue though. I never did get used to entering the room without being aware of all the months she was bedridden there, but that might have happened if she would have been moved to a facility later. We did end up moving, but not for the reason that mom passed on there. For us, the benefits of privacy, and peace and quiet were worth keeping mom at home with hospice.

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Thanks, Katie

Helps to hear the different experiences of others.

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Needhelp: Of course I'll pray for you! I'm honored you asked. There are so many answers and perspectives here, isn't it amazing? What a great community there is here, everyone willing to share to try to comfort and encourage you! Truth is, nobody knows what happens next, after death, because no one has ever really come back in concrete form to say. And likewise, from your perspective, you can't really anticipate how you are going to feel if/when your LO dies at home unless and until you experience it. All we can do is share our own experiences with you, then you get to decide how you *think* you might react if and when.

I guess my best advice to you would be this. Consider, among other things, what your LO would want. And then consider how you would feel if you were to provide that. Would you be at peace with your decision? I liked one answer (sorry, don't remember who) that said their LO "fell asleep" at home to the sound of their favorite classical music, undisturbed by the sounds and hustle of a hospital setting.

I do wish I could have provided that for my late husband many years ago, but alas, he was a very big man and there was no way I could have cared for him at home in his last weeks, even with hospice. (In his case, it would have been Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix, not classical, lol!)

In the end, you must be at peace with your decision. There is no right or wrong answer here. If the very thought of having your LO die in your home gives you the willies, don't do it, and make no apologies for it. Whatever gives you peace is the best answer for you. ((((Hugs!!))))

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Note: "fell asleep" being my own terminology, not that of the poster to whom I am referring. Not sure what words they used, sorry.

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You aren't alone in this. From a real estate sales perspective, it falls into "psychological impact of property" did someone die here?

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Segoline.

I have been on overload for so long and with additional stress, everything gets magnified. Know what I mean?

No one died. Just think about it from time to time. I have some fear of my mother dying in my home. Have taken care of her since 2005 without any help from my siblings but criticized or ignored by them.

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My spouse was in his 30's and died from cancer in our living room. He was in a hospital style bed and I was asleep on the floor. I wish I had been awake when he died. It didn't bother me that it was our home. It wouldn't have bothered me if we were in a bed together. When the hospice caregiver showed up, he wouldn't go in the room and couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I stayed in the house for 18 months. It's too stressful to have a spouse die and move in the same year. In our faith, we have a tradition of going to the funeral home to dress the deceased. Usually friends do it. I chose to go myself (with a friend) as a last service I could do for my husband. When my dad died, I was with him at my parent's house. My mom wanted me to stay the night. My parent's had separate bedrooms. I changed the sheets and slept in the bed he was in when he died. My mom lived there for another ten years. I have had relatives die in facilities too. The memory of sitting in that room with them as they passed or being called there is just as painful. If I close my eyes and think of them, I see them there in that room. My feelings of grief at each death have been different.
Thousands of people are attending to someone who will die today. You don't have to be a nurse or social worker, etc. You just have to be human.
Everyone has their own thoughts and feelings. You must do what is right for you.
Many houses have had people die in them. In my state, there is no duty to disclose this. If it was a murder, there may be a requirement. Consult a real estate agent. I hope the account of my experiences is of help to you.

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Thanks, Toadhall

You were so young to have lost your husband. I’m so sorry. Thanks for sharing and it does help.

One question though, how can a hospice worker want to get out of the house fast? That’s odd. Hospice is supposed to be there during and illness and bereavement.

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Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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