Whenever my father comes to my home, he finds something to criticize me for. Yesterday, it was my dog. He often says he too big and that I do not wlak him enough. He is suppose to be big because he is a large breed dog. Then he started asking about my dogs feet. He said it looked like something was on the back of his foot. I tried to explain that all dogs feet are made like that. I know this all sounds crazy. I do realize that as a person ages, their thinking changes but he has always been like this. He finds something to criticize me about. It is to the point that I get nervous when he pulls in the driveway. I'm tired of waking up in the morning with thoughts of what he has said on my mind. As stated in my original post, my childhood was not a happy one and I think I'm suffering from PTSD from it because I often have flashbacks of what he has said over the years which was demeaning things to me. Now, I'm the sole caregiver. I do not mind helping but it about to get more than I can handle as I stated previous. I have to take him to a doctors appointment tomorrow. I also have a job interview. I could have gone tomorrow which I would have liked to but we go to the doctor tomorrow. It would be nice to have someone to delegate tasks to. If I return to work full time, we have to have help.
Since this has been going on so long, it will take a while to get him to understand that your life is not his. I think getting a job is a good start. Then you can set those boundaries. "Dad I now have a job, because of that I will not be able to be around as much. There are things you are going to need to do for yourself or pay to have done. There will be no just stopping by. There will be no calls to my work place. Because I am knew to the job and won't have PT time or vacation time, I will not be able to take you to Dr. Visits. Here is the number for Senior bussing you can sign up for or hire an aide for so many hours a day. But I will not be at your beck and call" Let him scream and holler say "sorry thats how it is" and walk away.
No, this is not going to be easy, thats why a therapist can help u with the tools you need. Your Dad is the problem not you.
She has a huge part in this ongoing drama. She is in fact enabling him to continue treating her like crap, by continuing to do for him and not setting boundaries.
And like another poster said she obviously doesn't believe that she deserves any better, or she would have nipped this issue long ago. It's so sad that some children of abusive parents keep going back for more abuse.
We should "NEVER be a prisoner of our past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence."
Also, most supermarkets will deliver his food. You place the orders online. Housekeepers can come to the home, but I would hire a person to come in once a week with his money to clean & do laundry.
Thanks for your reply. He has Medicare and couple of other Insurances because he was in the military. Unfortunately, the small town that we live in , the stores do not offer online ordering.
your father is dishing out. I read in your profile that you 'can't afford mental health counseling'. However, if you interview and "take the new job" (which I pray you get!), maybe more money or some job benefits can help you with self-esteen and PTSD. The elephant in the living room is that you are accustomed to feeling unworthy of any better treatment than what your cruel father is dishing out to you. I am so regretful that this is the honest truth: The only thing you can change is YOU! Read the authors (Beattie, etc.) mentioned on this post, and start trying to build a life of serenity and self-respect. Truly, there's not enough of "life" left for you to continue to struggle to deal with him. Find caregivers for him in his home, or have him transferred to AL. The remainder of your days should be spent on YOU working on feeling worthy of a good life. My belief is that you cannot accomplish that, with this emotionally abusive father's contact with you. Being an adult (not a cowering child) will be lessons you undertake each remaining day of your life! You can be successful, but the contact with your Dad will derail any potential for emotional growth.....With him in the picture, things will continue just as they are for the remainder of your days on earth. Please work on knowing (and acting) that you are worthy of so much more.
They are a great place to start
Another suggestion-- two post-it notes on your bathroom mirror.
1. Just say "no".
2. Respond, don't react.
In other words, when your father starts in, don't answer. Count to at least 5:and let what he's said hang in the air.
"Your dog is too big". That is the statement of either an idiot or someone trying to start a fight. In either case, it doesn't merit a response.
"I need to see the doctor next week".
You--silence. Let him think about if he's asking you a question.
FB, nothing will change until you do.
I will definitely find those books.
If this is the case, dad will need to move somewhere with better access to services--either a unit in an area with groceries and drugstores that deliver, or an Elder Care facility where the services are on the same property.
The fact there is no delivery service in no way obligates YOU to provide these services.
I was in much the same situation with my mom. There was simply no way I could give up my job and still afford to live.
When she retired, she moved to the same city I lived in - to be closer to me - because there was no other family. Aghhh....... the nightmare intensified. I even dreaded hearing the phone ring because it would be her with the problem of the day that I needed to fix/solve for her, which then would slide into some form of criticism or complaining. I tried not answering the phone but she would call every 15 minutes - even as late as midnight (whether it rang or was busy). And if I didn't pick up the phone, eventually she would contact the police to do a 'wellness check', or become hysterical (literally) and try to persuade one of her neighbors to drive over to my place to check up on me. (And yes, I was married to the man I am still married to - 36 year later).
Even after taking care of her for 30 some years - during her last days on this Earth while in hospice- with me being by her side 14 hours a day for months at a time, taking care of everything for her and taking care of her, being the POA, the medical advocate, making sure she had all the 'special things' she liked and enjoyed' - when one of her close friend's daughters stopped by to say goodbye -as this friend's daughter walked into her room, my mother exclaimed - "Finally someone who truly cares about me is here!" (and yes, she was mentally aware and present). Even in her last days on earth, and in spite of all that I did and sacrificed for her, I STILL wasn't good enough. Yes, I will admit, when she passed I didn't shed a single tear, and 2.5 years later, I still don't miss her - not a single day. I no longer walk around completely stressed out fearing a the ring of a phone.
They say don't take the criticism personally, but unfortunately, when that is all you hear, and you don't hear any positives, it is hard not to feel hurt. In hindsight, to protect my mental and physical well being, if I could have gotten over the guilt and feelings of obligation and responsibility, I would have limited my contact with her to once a week for 2 hours. I did hire a professional geriatric care manager for a while who did relieve me of many many things. However, where I live, they are very expensive and even though it was for my well being, I, nor my mother, could keep affording them. But, if I would have had the finances, I would have kept them on permanently. It was such a sense of relief when I knew there was someone else there to help shoulder the burdens and responsibilities.
I did find that when she criticized me, or something about me or my home or my husband or my job or whatever, I would just nod my head and agree because when someone is 90+ years old, trust me, they will never ever ever change no amount of love, patience, logic will change them.
You say that you don’t mind helping your dad. What you are describing isn’t helping him.
A relationship never works when only one person is satisfied. You are not satisfied with your relationship with your father and it is past time to make changes. Honestly, your dad doesn’t sound satisfied either.
Change is hard. I was stuck too. You have to become sick and tired of being sick and tired. You need help in deprogramming your brain.
As helpful as this forum was, I needed more help than this forum could provide. I went to a therapist who spoke with me face to face. He asked me many thought provoking questions.
Find someone who can help you understand why you feel as you do. You’ll start to discover that your thoughts are not rational. You already know that your dad is miserable so why would you expect him to behave differently? You’re the one who needs to learn how to behave differently.
When he says jump, you say, no I am not willing to jump. If he says, why not? You say, because I no longer want to. Good luck finding someone else who will jump at all of your commands.
Do you think anyone else would allow him to treat them as he treats you? No, they wouldn’t. He knows what buttons to push with you because he has gotten away with it for so long.
Therapy taught me that I allowed my mom to dictate my life. I sincerely regret wasting all of those years. I can never get that time back.
Your life is precious. Go on those important job interviews and do everything else that you want to do when you want to do it. Your father has no right to deter you from living your life.
I also regret the time I wasted. I had many opportunities that if I would have taken, would have put me a great place financially, professionally and emotionally. Now I'm afraid it is too late to recover. I often cry about the opportunities that I let slip by. You are right, my life is precious and I deserve all good things and so do you. I'm currently looking for a good job but having issues finding one. I have had interviews but no luck. My finances are a mess because of decisions I should not have made.
My mother has elevated complaining to an art form.
You should stand up for yourself with your father. Speak to him in respectful but plain language that you will not tolerate any complaining from him. Nor will you allow yourself to be belittled or demeaned by him. If he cannot respect you, then stop helping him. He will have to find someone else. Make it known that if this unacceptable behavior contuinues that he will not be welcome in your home.
I had to do this with my mother. It works.