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When my father appears in my dreams, I am grateful and relieved that he is still "alive" and a part of my life. We are usually travelling or solving problems together. My mother appears less often, but when she does she is a natural part of whatever "story" my dream is weaving. When my husband died, he would be in my dreams but out of sight, for instance, if we were at a campground and I was outside hanging clothes, he was "there" but inside the camper where I could not see him or we might be on a road trip and he has "driven on ahead." I interpret my husband-dreams as metaphors for " travelling" through life and his having "gone on ahead" of me by dying first.
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I used to dream that I spotted my father (long dead) in a crowd and was struggling through shoulders and elbows, desperate to catch up with him.

My mother is now in care, but I’m still certain I hear her calling my name in the night. I’m still jumpy from caregiving while she was in her most combative stage.

I was widowed young, remarried and now live where nights are very dark. For more than a decade I frequently snapped awake, unsure of who was sleeping next to me, husband #1 or #2. So disorienting and unsettling.

I also dream that #1 returns and my husbands expected me to choose. #1 is upset that I moved on instead waiting to see if he’d come back. Fortunately they were friends so I convinced myself we could live together and they usually agree to give it a try. But I stay sleeping with #2 because #1 always smells “off” in my dreams.

Yeah, it’s pretty crowded and creepy in my head.
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My dreams of family are almost always pleasant. I often tell myself the dream and work out what my allegorical mind is telling me in the tale. For instance, in your Mom's case I might guess "You took over my life. I lost control of my own life" coming. You redid her "life" essentially. Dreams are full of symbols. Your telling her to go away is essentially telling her in no uncertain terms you did what you thought best the best you could and that's just going to have to be enough.
I love dreams. I believe they help us work out our concerns in the waking world. My brother has been gone for 2 years only, and my parents a good deal longer, so my dreams of my parents are almost always benign. In dreams of my brother we aqree often doing what we did in real life, out there antiquing together, going to other towns, other places, exploring.
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Thanks to everyone who replied, it helped me understand where these dreams are coming from. To try to explain my mom and our relationship from the time I was a sentient human being until the day she died would take weeks and a lot more than the 2600 characters that I have left! If anyone is interested, check out a few of my previous replies and you'll get the idea.

The bottom line is that she and my dad belonged in assisted living at the very least during those last six years and they probably should have been in a nursing home. After he died, her mobility declined to the point where she was bedridden. It was a nightmare, there are no other words to describe it. By the time she died I felt nothing but sheer relief and never shed a tear. The dreams are not comforting because I don't miss her. I realized these dreams are similar to the dreams I had when I finally left my husband and was free of him. I would dream he would beg me to come back, or assume I was coming back, and it was awful. It's the feeling of experiencing glorious freedom only to fear its being taken away.

I agree with Slartibart - this is my brain working out the rest of the stuff. BTW, both of my children are fully aware that I will NEVER put them through what my folks put me through. I've made my wishes abundantly clear - if I can't shower and toilet myself, it is time to find me a bed somewhere.
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Slartibartfast May 2022
Funny you should mention your wishes for your own care regarding your children. I just changed my will to take out the standard language about "I wish to die at home if possible" and changed it to something like "put me somewhere professionals can take care of my needs unless you're just desperate to bring my home".
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Bologna that PTSD is only for anyone's opinion on what is "real" trauma. My spouse has PTSD from combat and I have it from a hellish childhood. They're pretty similar in how they manifest and they both matter. I also submit (for nobody's approval) that I have some very real trauma from discovering the extreme hoarding including live and dead rats we found filling my dad's house after he died. Nobody knew it had gotten like that until he went to the hospital not feeling well and died within days. And I had dreams about that house constantly for years. I'm working through it, thankfully pretty often in my dreams dad would show up and be not dead after all, but he never minded we had to have a removal company come in haz mat suits and literally shovel it out.

These dreams are your brain working stuff out, like all dreams are. The nightmares will fade. Good luck and best wishes.
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Cemay1 May 2022
I empathize on the house. My MIL is a hoarder, the house was a mess for years and she and FIL would not let anyone in. FIL wanted a new bed, but the passage was too narrow to allow anyone to bring a new bed into the bedroom and remove the old one. After FIL passed, she was there by herself for about 7 months & her delusions got the better of her. She thought people were trying to break in and rape her (an 87 yr old hag like, venomous woman who spewed filth all the time). She was only pleasant when she wanted something. MIL kept calling the police. She kept trying to move in with us when we told her it wasn’t possible with her dog. The dog would have to be put to sleep before anything like that would happen (it peed & pooped everywhere) and she would have to agree and sign ground rules which we knew she wouldn’t like. In effect, our house our rules. Seems harsh, but the treatment she dished to DH for years was so heinous (calling him names, interfering with phones calls with his father, prohibiting him from visiting, etc).

She ended up going to assisted living 1/2 an hour from where she used to live and I cleared out the majority of her trash, shoes (more shoes than Imelda Marcos), clothes, furniture that was destroyed by dog pee and poop, because my husband was so enraged at her, he couldn’t deal with it.

At the end, he came and we hired contractors to fix the place and sold the house because we were lucky enough to have POA. MIL is really lucky not to have that albatross hanging around her neck. It sold before interest rates went up.

I am so traumatized I promised myself I would start getting rid of a lot of my things do that my daughter wouldn’t be stuck.

I always feel exhausted dealing with this because of my MIL and when I let her know what a horrible mess she left, how poorly she treated DH and FIL, she becomes upset. She feels she is pure as the driven snow. I just remind her that there is a reason she is alone, doesn’t receive visits and isn’t welcome to move closer.
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If you truly think that these are PTSD dreams you should talk to someone about them.
PTSD can effect you in many ways that you do not even realize. Your nightmares may be just the tip of the iceberg.
ANY trauma can manifest itself as PTSD and should be dealt with. 3-4 years is far to long.
It may not take much time at all talking to someone about this. But it is worth checking out.
((hugs)) I hope you do find peace
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It's not PTSD. They are remnants of wishful thinking. Eventually they will fade away. PTSD only occur when one's life has been seriously threatened and you were in a helpless situation. Witnessing somebody dying will not cause PTSD, unless you were having the same possibility of dying too. Like being a medic in the Army during a fierce battle.
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sarajbunny7 May 2022
I have PTSD from seeing my husband die in Hospice Care. Please listen to others before you judge. My work is as a Behavioral Health Therapist. Each person's perception of and reactions to situations is their reality, and PTSD is real for many people who have many symptoms in addition to nightmares.
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I had a dream about my dad for a while after he died.

In the dream, I was walking in a beautiful park, and I saw my dad, dressed in his “dress up” suit, walking around as he had been the day he died.

I waved and called to him, but he didn’t respond, or talk to me, but he seemed to see me.

The dream brought me comfort. I haven’t been dreaming much lately but I’d kind of enjoy having it again.
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KaleyBug May 2022
I have dreams were I see my mom, but in the dreams I know I am not to approach her. I take it as a sign she is fine and not to worry.
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You are safe now.
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I've had dreams about my mom. It will be seven years May 9th since she passed.
When I had my first dream it was right after she had died. In the dream my mom and a bunch of other people were at an amusement park having a great time. I was watching them when suddenly there was a figure of a person in the shadows who went over to my mom and said "go talk to her" So I went and sat down and my mom joined me. I was crying really hard and said "I miss you so much" My mom just held me and never said anything. I felt when I woke up that in the dream my mom had crossed over and was happy and that I needed to accept her death and move on. I'm no dream interpreter but that's what I got out of it.

Since then my mom is sometimes a background figure in my dreams. There but not really directly involved in anything.

I feel comforted by my dreams. I think we project our own feelings into our dreams. If they aren't pleasant for you maybe you need to come to terms with something in your life that you are not addressing. Or I could be totally wrong. Just my opinion.

An interesting topic. I'm glad you brought it up.
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KaleyBug May 2022
I feel the same when I dream of my mom, I see her but know I am to stay a distance. Like you I feel these dreams are to let me know she is ok. I had a dream once my uncle was trying to call me. But the voice was fading. When I woke I texted my Aunt. She said he had passed. I was shaken for hours. I knee he was saying good by and it was not really a dream.
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I also think LisaSF is right.
They are here to visit.
Since they no longer "need" the house I am sure neither your mom or dad would be critical of anything you have done. I am sure that she is pleased that you are in the house and not "strangers"
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Texangal81 May 2022
Dear Grandma and Lisa,

You are both sweet but trust me, my mother wouldn't be pleased about a single thing I did after she died. My mom was critical of nearly everything I did, under the guise of "I'm your mother, would I lie to you" or "I'm your mother, no one wants what is best for you more then me".

These are less dream and more nightmare. I'm sure that if they were just visiting me in these dreams, I wouldn't wake up in a pool of sweat, scared to death it wasn't a dream. But your answers reassured me that these are indeed PTSD dreams and will eventually stop. Thank you!
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I think these dreams are a true blessing. As them coming to visit to be sure you're ok. I yearn for those dreams. Not a judgment - just providing another perspective. Blessings to you.
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