Okay, I know you know my story based on my last post.
However, I just remembered something today and just want to add it here.
When my future father-in-law died, my fiance's mom literally told him these exact words... "You are now the father of the family, so you should provide everything from now on. You are now responsible of everything here including me because your dad will be upset if you don't take care of me. Make us your priority now."
My fiance and I have been together for more than 5 years now. We were supposed to get married this year, but his mom doesn't want to let him go.
I don't know, but the way she passed everything to her son is just too much. It's very controlling, very selfish and very manipulative.
Do you guys agree with me? It's okay if you don't. Really. I'd love to know your thoughts about this. Thank you!!!
We read on this forum how people waste many, many years of their lives in caregiving situations that never should have happened. You're already more than 5 years into a relationship that appears to be going nowhere. So, even though you're only 25, don't you think it's time to move on?
You're not going to be able to convince your fiance to do things differently. Have you made any headway so far?
With the passage of the Social Security Act (1932) and Medicare (1965) the US government released children from being their parents' retirement plan. People are told to plan for their OWN retirements and not to rely on their children's salaries for their old age.
Does your friend hold this view, or is he locked into some old world point of view?
In some cultures, daughters in law are seen as being beholden to their in laws for support. You really need to clarify how your friend views his obligation to his mother.
The fact that he can't say "no mom, I can no longer support you" tells me that something is terribly amiss here. It sounds as though she has long standing entrenched mental illness.
Whether his mother 'wants to let him go' or not isn't the issue; the issue is, does HE want to let go of HER?
Five years is a long time to be a girlfriend or even a fiancee. If you do marry this man (in your last post I called him your 'husband' b/c I thought you were already married, my mistake), you will have a controlling, manipulative, and selfish mother in law to deal with for LIFE. How will HE choose to deal with her moving forward is the really big question here.
I married a man in 1980 who's mother hated me. The problem wasn't that she hated me, but that HE allowed her crappy behavior towards me. That made me lose respect for HIM and sort of set the marriage up for failure. I was young then, I'm old now...........so hindsight is always 20:20. But I will tell you this: I would never (again marry such a man) and should never have married him knowing that he was unwilling to stand UP for me and tell his mother to stand DOWN. Divorce was the eventual outcome of that doomed relationship.
That's my two cents. Wishing you all the luck in the world.
Remember the interview many years ago when sweet, lovely, beautiful Princess Diana claimed that her marriage was crowded?
It was so interesting to watch. She was completely calm, had such class, handled it with style and simply said, “My marriage didn’t work out because it was a bit crowded, there were three of us”.
Of course, Diana was referring to Prince Charles current wife that he was having an affair with, his old fling that he never stopped seeing. Water under the bridge now.
The Queen didn’t approve of Camilla so they couldn’t marry. He was pressured into marrying Diana.
Diana fell in love but questioned marrying him. She felt trapped like she had to marry him. Hindsight is 20/20. None of us have to marry anyone.
The royal family needed an heir. So he married Diana instead of standing up to the Queen or giving up the throne.
Many moms try to run the show! Doesn’t mean we should allow it. The OP’s mom isn’t a queen. She is just acting like one!
Makes me realize how blessed that I was with my MIL. We got along better than my mom and I ever have. I loved her so much and she looked at me as her daughter.
I don’t blame you one bit in saying that you wouldn’t do again. There are many things that I wouldn’t do again! We need a time machine or move on. Water under the bridge.
If he is 28 then she can't be much more than 60. If her health problems are chronic she maybe able to get SS disability if she isn't getting it already. That usually comes with Medicare and Medicaid. So all her hospital bills should be paid. There is more help she is entitled to but your BF needs to want to get the help for her. He can go to Social Services to see what is available to her. He needs to tell her she needs to do this herself. That he wants to live a life of his own. He is not her husband. I personally would not want a man who can't stick up for himself. And I would think first before getting involved with a woman like this. I would help him find resources for her. I would make him aware that I no longer will be waiting by the phone. When he gets it all together, gets his life on trrack and Mom fairly independent, then call you.
And if children enter the picture, this woman will tell her how to raise them. She is already spending their money.
If he is willing to continue in the life style in which he is living at present, you will be assuming the role of “second wife”, and at some point you will become the enemy.
Tough to hear, I know, but the fact.
He’s had years of conditioning from his mom. It’s truly an unhealthy relationship with his mom.
She wasn’t ever a good mom from what the OP stated in another thread.
Mom laid on a heavy guilt trip. She is selfish, controlling and manipulative which is horrible for a child.
It’s terribly confusing for a kid growing up. He’s still confused. He needs help in breaking free.
If Blair would leave him, he may wake up. Or become even more attached. Who knows?
He seriously needs de programming. He’s been following his mom as if she were his cult leader. Very sad.
Therapy! Therapy! Therapy!
Evoking the voice of a deceased spouse doesn’t make this right, it makes it worse.
We have already told our children that we expect them NOT to take care of us, because they have wonderful families of their own. DH and I have the tools to take care of ourselves, and eventually be cared for without imposing that burden on our children.
I loved your entire post.
I agree with the others that you're wasting your time in this relationship. Starting a marriage is hard enough (and it is hard), but frankly, starting with this kind of stuff going on, I doubt this marriage will be a long-term thing. Marriage is a lot more than a pretty dress and a big party. If you actually believe in your vows, your boyfriend's mother is part of the package and you'll be agreeing to take her on with him.
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