Now I Have to Play God? So Daddy and I visited a lung specialist today who confirmed that there is a mass in his chest. With daddy's advanced age and other conditions, he feels it may be best to just let nature take its course.
The thing is...Daddy didn't make any advanced directives when he was of sound mind, and I'm left with the burden of deciding whether we should keep him alive when this mass rears its ugly head.
I have no support system as many of you know so I feel very alone right now. In a normal world I would discuss with the family but I can't take being railroaded by them right now or being called selfish for a DNR decision.
I'm angry. Why does this fall on me? Why should I suffer because he chose to smoke?
I'm afraid. I don't want this responsibility. I'm sad. I'm essentially left to decide his ultimate fate. I feel like a murderer.
This isn't fair. I don't know what to do.
@rainmom -re feeding tubes - the evidence is that feeding tubes at end of life bring more problems than they solve unless it is for a specific issue for a short period of time. As the body shuts down the individual cannot process food - it really is not starvation, but part of the process of dying.
I have a feeling that when it comes time, then you will know what to do. It will be difficult, but you will know. I hope that your father does not suffer greatly with the cancer. Don't blame him. Many people got hooked at a time smoking was considered cool and weren't able to get unhooked fast enough to prevent illness. I wish we could go back and talk to Native Americans and Sir Walter Raleigh about the harm they were doing. I hope one day there will be no tobacco.
The family is going to judge my decisions no matter what, and considering that I've been with him throughout this ordeal and I have full POA, I will make the right decision.
And... the doctors aren't sure if the mass is cancerous, but the biopsy process alone on such diseased lungs would be very invasive for Daddy. The doctor basically suggested giving Daddy an oxygen tank to help him breathe (yet another gut wrenching matter) and simply CT scan him every three months until the end.
I think the doctor was asking for the directive because he anticipates it getting pretty ugly from here.
There's a part of me that the Daddy could just peacefully sleep away vs. being attached to oxygen tanks and coughing and wheezing.
Next question: Do I even tell the judgemental A-holes in my family what's going on?
The next time you and he see the treating physician, ask what the anticipated progression is, what are the circumstances and symptoms that indicate death is close, or what are the same elements that indicate death is not that close but that the quality of life will not be tolerable.
Discuss these situations with your father and agree on some definable measures at which he would not want his life prolonged.
If you really don't want this responsibility, as you state, then ask your father who else could handle it for him. Given the family situation your mention, perhaps it would be better to ask one of your father's close friends, or even a minister.
But don't resent the responsibility and don't take it if you don't want it. Ask his pulmonary or other doctor if there are medical professionals who can make these decisions for you when the time comes. There could be a conflict of interest from a treating physician, so this could be an iffy proposition.
The alternate way is to recognize that you do resent your father's having smoked during his life, that it wasn't a wise decision, but that you have limited time with him now so focus on those aspects of your father's personality that you do still love.
Let go of the anger and feel sadness that he made poor decisions in his life, and focus on the fact that the difficult decision you make could relieve him of further suffering. That's the really important factor in this issue.
When we are looking at this decision for an elder ask what you would want done if our situations were reversed. No one wants to play god but we drag life out far, far too long in most cases.
Nothing has had the impact on extending life like modern medicene. It's just nuts. Nursing homes are full of miserable old people who should have passed on long ago. Why do we do this. You can find 25 kids in any neighborhood with no insurance or medical care but we're keeping granny alive for another 6 months via heroic measures and at great expense. Oh yea, I know, death panels........Sign me up.
My best advice is to talk to his doctors, and when the decision comes, ask them their opinion, to solidify your choice. This will help some, and this did help me some in the moment of the decision.
Angel
While your dad was of sound mind earlier in his life did he ever give any sense of how he viewed these matters - for himself or for others?
I have just agreed to comfort care for my mother -which means no antibiotics if she gets an infection, reducing her meds to the basics and no interventions except that which would keep her comfortable. So I am in a similar situation though she has always indicated that she did not want extraordinary measures at the end of her life and she did sign a DNR.
It does seem like too big a decision to shoulder, yet the doctor who I discussed this with yesterday made the recommendation and I agreed to it. I rest in that the doctor is a specialist in this area and has much experience. As we approach the end of life there can come a time when there are no good answers in terms of quality of life - just better or worse ones. I don't want to see my mother linger as she is and I don't think she would want that either. To me it sounds like your dad does not have many options as treatment for cancer - if that is what the mass - is very hard in a person and the success rate is not high for lung cancer.
You are a very concerned and responsible daughter, going through some of the toughest stuff life hands us. As others have said - you know your dad best. Is there some one related to his care you can talk this over with? Keep coming back here with your feelings and any questions. Even though I know I made the right decision for mother, it still does not feel comfortable. We made the decision to take our youngest son off ventilation. That was the hardest decision I have ever made. We put him in God's hands and that was the only way we could have any peace about it and accept the outcome. More ((((((hugs)))))).
In letting the disease process take over there are medications available to make the person more comfortable. The person may or may not be conscious. Hospice can be called in to make things easier on the family.
You are not a murderer. You are not killing your father. You have a choice to make. And once you make that choice there will come a time when you second guess your choice but stick to what you decide. Make a thoughtful, well-informed decision when you're not emotional and go with that decision. Your dad is going to pass away at some point whichever way you choose so you can't choose wrong.
It was very hard and not it's fair. Like you my brother is MIA and my dad has his own issues so it's on me like it or not. But I love her enough not to put her through any more turmoil than what she has already withstood. She started hospice yesterday and it's gut wrenching to go through this when she was walking the treadmill like a sport just three weeks ago.
You have to search your heart and you know your dad best. I struggled with all the same things too or many of them I'm sure. But after all I've seen with her, I prayed and said Lord I'm doing what I think is best. After all she's your child and now this is between you two. I am still there supporting her though and making sure to the best of my ability she has the best care possible.
You are no murderer. If you were you wouldn't be here in the first place telling us your struggle. Sounds like you are a loving, responsible daughter having to do some really hard grown up stuff and become the parent right now. You will make the right decision. Just know I'm right there with you facing it now, just like you.