I am in a very complicated relationship and need advice. I am with a man 10 years older than me but we are still both young. We do not have any children together but he has two young kids from a previous marriage. We are very in love and have been very happy our time together.
His past is full of terrible mental and physical abuse and unfortunately within the last year his mental and physical health has began to decline rapidly. He and his ex do not have a custody agreement and their shared time with the children is worked out amongst themselves, due to his mental state he was not seeing the children for a few months until he was more stable (this worked out as they are in a different city and are safer from COVID where they are). We are now on the road to healing and things are looking up. He sees a therapist and with lots of support from me has worked towards improving his mental health.
Today he went to visit his father and came back with several decisions about himself, his health, and OUR future. He is not close to his family, but has an older brother who has some mental disabilities and can not live on his own. We will call him Joe. Joe is 40 years old and has the mental state of a 12 year old boy, he has lived with his father his whole life but the father is getting too old to care for him anymore. Joe can look after himself for the most part but needs a “parent” for help with meals, medications, staying on schedule, and getting to his learning centre. My husband came home and declared that his father would put a down payment on a house for us, Joe’s government money would pay the mortgage, and not only would we be moving, but Joe would be living with us for the rest of his life. I almost pooped my pants with the amount of weight that had just been dropped on my shoulders.
For the last year and a half I have been diligently caring for my partner and helping get him back to a place where we can enjoy our relationship, I have accepted his two children as my own and care for them very well when they are with us. I do all of the cooking and cleaning in our apartment and make sure my partner has everything he needs so the pressure of every day life does not do further harm to his mental state. I do EVERYTHING to maintain our relationship, I am also the main breadwinner in the house.
After being told that Joe would soon be our responsibility I simply said “well, we will have to talk” which sent my partner into a spiral about me being selfish, giving him an ultimatum where he would have to choose between me and Joe. He did not say it but I felt like I was being called selfish for even stopping to think about what a huge responsibility another human life under my roof would be. I have brought up assisted living homes for Joe and mentioned how great those places are, he could be with people like him and enjoy life, while having the care he needs. My partner will not entertain the thought of it, but I may try to bring this up again.
In the end I am a born mother, I love children and caring for others and I have no doubt with some work Joe could fit into our household well. I would certainly need to discuss many things about his presence with my partner, but I think I could do it?
I feel like I have worked so hard to be in a good place with my partner, where we can enjoy the kids when they are with us and enjoy eachother when they are with their mom. I want to travel with my partner and get married and maybe have one of our own some day. I feel like Joe being another responsibly of mine will have me burnt out in a couple years and my partner and I will end up resenting our life together because of it.
Do I pack my bags, run, and never look back? Or do I stay and make this work?
There is nothing selfish about it on your part. I haven't even paused to consider your needs. The needs and circumstances of every other single person involved in this scenario make it out of the question that your partner can be Joe's primary caregiver. If you can stop this, do.
"Sometimes we need to give ourselves to permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change.
We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them.
I will affirm that it is my right to grow & change, even though someone I love may not be growing & changing alongside me."
Joe needs a new home, a structured environment, assistance for his ADLs & people that care. I'm sure he would also benefit from work he can do, or activities he can succeed at & a social group he can connect to - so he can thrive & live his best life.
JoeorGo, you described yourself as a 'Mother' type. I'm guessing you are a natural giver, a nurturer. Maybe this is your career also? Your calling. You certainly describe great empathy & patience towards your partner's health issues.
So you may be totally awesome for Joe & be an amazing asset to his life.
But.
Becoming 'House Mother', Case Manager, Care Co-ordinator, friend, aide, driver +++ for Joe... is that what your heart & head is telling you is YOUR best future?
Is it Joe's best future? Is it your partner's best future?
It is nice your partner feels love for his brother. But *nice* is very different to taking on the full responsibility for another's welfare. Is he willing to be his legal guardian? Even if yes, is the actual day to day decisions & care going to slide over to you? I think so.
In honesty I think this decision needs discussion - lots of discussion - probably with a third party. While you have communicated the issue very clearly here, I don't think it is being clearly understood by your partner. His current level of understanding is *selfish or not selfish*. That is black or white thinking. But this issue is a full colorful spectrum.
I have a quote that comes to mind, which I'll post when I find it.
Your partner has been struggling to care for himself. He has been fortunate to have a supportive partner like you. Has he shown any gratitude for all that you do for him? He is expecting a lot from you by asking you to accept his brother moving in with you. Your life will never be the same again. Can you live with that? No more privacy. No more packing your bags for a trip and leaving town. No more planning anything for just the two of you. Has he thought about how this will effect his children? Or your children, if you decide to have any? How old are you? I hope you are using birth control. Don’t get pregnant!
Assisted living facilities are for seniors. Do they accept individuals like your partner’s brother? Nursing homes or other facilities would most likely accept him.
I don’t think that you realize what you are getting into. I would NEVER, EVER accept this situation. You don’t know how long his brother will live. You may have him for the rest of your lives. That would be too much for me.
It’s your life. It’s your choice. There isn’t enough love in the world from your partner that could change my mind. But again, it is your decision.
How did you meet your partner? Were you aware his issues when you met him? Are the type of person that loves helping others so much that you have totally neglected yourself or feel like it is your mission in life?
I know someone like that. I can only be around her for a few minutes, once in a blue moon. She drains all of my energy! She is so negative that she attracts the neediest people in the world and claims that God sent them to her for her to help. I can’t be around her much because I find myself losing patience with her. I recently told her that she was mentally ill and I was not qualified to help her, nor did I want to hear about her latest project. She takes on every disturbed individual as a DIY project and I can’t relate to her nonsense.
Watch out. Don’t become like this woman that I know. She truly has mental issues and doesn’t want to get help. She says therapist can’t do anything! Grrrrrrrr
If your partner isn’t willing to listen to how you feel, then I would run as fast and far as I could go and never look back. There are plenty other men. Make sure that the next guy is in a better emotional place.
Wishing you all the best.
He should also be getting his sh*t together, sorting out his mental and physical health, and not relying you as being “the main breadwinner in the house”. Sometimes when you give ‘so much’, it just leads to increasingly unrealistic expectations that you will give and give and give with no limits.
Two options to suggest: a) cut and run, or b) say no very strongly and see whether he chooses Joe, or you with the right attitude and no recriminations - and if not, cut and run. Perhaps this isn’t true for you, but think about it!