I believe that my brother uses my mother to manipulate me. I feel tied to him because I care for my mother. He has been an addict for years and lived with her until her stroke almost 3 years ago. She was his enabler, but did not know how to deal with the situation. I do not want a relationship with him because he refuses to get help. She cannot see him without my being there due to her limitations. I am her POA.
It was b/c of HIM that mom and dad had to live in an apartment rent free in YB's home. He'd 'borrowed' the equity in their home. And of course, lost it in record time. Parents go to retire and their nest egg is about $200K less than it should have been. There wasn't even enough to pay for the addition to YB's home for the apartment--so we all had to chip in, over the years to help make YB 'whole'.
To the day he died, my OB brought pain and suffering everywhere he went. I think most families have at least one problem child.
As he was mom's 'Golden Boy'--requiring that he had to have supervised visits were diffcult to be a part of. He'd get belligerent and mean--and mom would support him, no matter what.
Sound familiar? These situations do, indeed, just stink.
I know a woman who is constantly saying that she feels that she has to go after the “lost sheep’ just as Jesus went after the lost sheep.
Oh my gosh, I told her that Jesus also said that if they weren’t received that Jesus instructed others to shake the dust off and walk away.
I despise when people take scripture out of context to support their own beliefs.
You are correct in saying that addicts are manipulative. Manipulation and addiction go hand in hand. My brother was the only addict in the family and all of us siblings had to set strong boundaries with him.
For my own sanity I had to cut my brother out of my life. My mother lived in my home and when I cut off contact with my brother she was sad but understood that I didn’t have any other choice.
Mom spoke to my brother on the phone and I told her that I would bring her to meet him somewhere if she wanted to spend time with him.
She knew that I had valid reasons for not allowing him to be in our home anymore. As her health declined she didn’t get out other than to go to the doctor. So, she wasn’t up to going to meet him anywhere.
When I found out that he was in an end of life hospice facility I didn’t hesitate to bring my mother to see her first born son.
I wasn’t sure if I could emotionally handle seeing him or not. I decided to speak with him in hospice and I chose to forgive him for the grief that he caused our family.
My brother and I had a complex relationship. There were times where he would get clean and we got along well. We were very close before he started using drugs.
He struggled to remain sober. I tried to help him but like many addicts he didn’t want to face his problems. I couldn’t force him enter rehab.
Addiction is an awful disease and I do have compassion for addicts, but we still have to set boundaries in order to protect ourselves.
My brother was a terrific guy when he was clean. He was intelligent, successful and owned his own business. Sadly drugs caused him to lose everything meaningful in his life.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I certainly feel your pain and hope things work out as best as they can for you and your family.
Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time.
In my opinion, if you can arrange for someone else to be present when your Mom or brother want to see each other it would probably be best. But I think the 1st step for you is to have your boundaries identified and firmly in place. Know what you will and will not allow. One thing that comes to mind often is that I wish I had shown my mom more grace when it came to my addicted sister.
Sending you healing thoughts, peace, & love.
However, it becomes a sticky widget when the principal has not been deemed incompetent (only a Judge can do this) and Wants/Requests/Demands to see the person in question.
If mom wants to see her son, supervised visitation is probably the best route to avoid problems for you.
Best of luck, these situations just stink.