My father went into a care home at the beginning of the pandemic and we all know how difficult that was for our loved ones. Having been an active member of the community and a volunteer for many clubs and associations for the previous 17 years, he was completely cut off by nearly all of his ‘friends’. Once restrictions began to ease, I emailed them to provide details of Dad's condition, how they could visit, etc., but in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out (except for myself and my brother). For most people, it would be a 30 minute trip there and back. I have tried to ascertain the reasons. Someone told me “out of sight, out of mind,” another one, “I don’t go that way often,” and one friend was brutally honest saying, “many people our age don’t want to be reminded of where we might end up!” i.e Care Home. He is now on end of life pathway, which, of course, is very emotional for me.
So my question is this - should I give them all the opportunity to pitch up at his funeral and have a jolly get together afterwards when they couldn’t be bothered to offer friendship in his hour of need? Or, should I arrange a private funeral and only invite those who have been supportive? I feel quite angry about this, but I don’t know if I’m just too emotionally involved? Honest answers please! I can take it!
hugs and prayers
I try to remind mom that everyone has so much going on these days. They are not sitting in a room watching tv as she is and ostensibly have hours and hours to think while alone, but have grandchildren coming and going, going on vacations and just have the normal stresses and concerns of every day life, COVID, etc. I tell her that I'm sure they care about her but that life has a way of getting away from you and the best intentions are soon honestly forgotten or put off. I tell myself that as well and my therapist has often said not to have expectations of others (although I admit I do with my siblings who never help and go out of their way, seemingly, to cause trouble which is a whole different story. I was told they WOULD help at least one day a week two years ago when I took this on and none of that has happened but they do constantly have time to complain). But I digress . . .
Anyway, I think that that is just the way of life. I would ask your father's friends to any services when it comes to that, as you don't really know what's in their hearts. My own mother cannot deal sometimes with talking to my elderly aunt on the phone when she is "out of it" as it makes her very sad and afraid for my aunt and herself. And she means no harm by it but tries her best. She gets carsick in a car for more than a 10 minute ride, and is embarrassed by having accidents. All of these can also play into your dad's friends situations, as an example.
I know you wish better for him and that in this time he is surrounded by those that he loved and that they would confirm he is cared about. You believe it would help you both feel better and want your father to have known he was loved and cherished. I'm sure he does because he has you there worrying for him. But all you can really do is the best you can yourself do. I am learning that more and more and trying to let go the frustration I feel with my own family. You can only live your life and do the things you think are right and your conscience tells you to do. And the others have to do what theirs tell them. And somehow make peace with that. I would let them come to the services and find their own peace with the situation as well. Best wishes . . .
It's all one sided? Really? Let's see.
"I took him to the pub for a lunch gathering once."
Your dad attended, so did his friends. Everyone put in the effort. How was it ONE sided? Say, if you and some friends of yours met up for lunch somewhere. After that, you think each of one of them now owes you a visit because you showed up? Didn't they show up, too? How about you owe each of them a visit because they showed up?
"I took him to the funeral of a close friend just 3 months ago."
Well, I hate to agree, but yes, this is one sided as the dead friend can't get up and go visit your dad even if he wanted to. But for you to expect a reciprocal gesture is too funny.
"I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely."
How is this even a 'side'? You wrote, and you requested.. Neither you or your dad visited them or did anything FOR them. You just wrote and requested something FROM them.
You said you have softened your thoughts towards his friends. Hmmm..., I think your thoughts are still VERY UNREASONABLE.
Not to be all harsh and no compassion, It is very evident that you love your dad a great deal and all you can think about is him and how to lessen his suffering. You are a good daughter.
You said “…in over 2 years he has had only 1 friend visit him or offer to take him out…”
You are expecting great kindness and personalized attention from all your dad’s previous friends and acquaintances, forgetting that they too are facing getting old and frail and in ill health, or no longer drive, or don’t have money to squander on fuel and bringing a gift when visiting (yes, older people still adhere to fine manners such as bringing a gift when visiting, and the older friends might be in straightened circumstances and feel unable to visit)
Don’t forget to extend all of your own efforts to be a good friend to the one acquaintance who tried to stay friendly with your dad. You expect big things from the elderly others, so you should be a generous person and extend all that (and more) to the one old friend who actually DID show up. Are you being a solicitous friend to that person? If not, why not?
You quoted “do unto others”. I think a number of us reading here are keen to hear what you’ve been doing for all the other frail elderly people who you are expecting to step up for your father.
I also read with exasperation that you give your brother “a pass” on not visiting your dad very often. You said he “doesn’t do his share. But he has Asperger’s and changing his plans and reading other peoples emotions doesn’t feature in his life.” That is laughable. Why is your brother’s status given slack and a pass by you AND HE IS A BLOOD RELATIVE, and you don’t give a pass to elderly people who aren’t related?
I'm sorry this is harsh, but I hope it will help you take a step back on lashing out at basically your father’s entire previous world.
My grandmother is a big fan of complaining that her friends never call her. "I'm a widow and they never call me". What she forgets is that all of her friends are also widows and she never calls them either. I recognize this isn't your situation, but I guess my point is that often friendships can just naturally start to dwindle as we age unless tons of effort is put into them because of everyone's own personal situation.
My best advice is to do your best to let the anger go. These same people may not be able to get to a funeral either. They may not physically be able to come, or may be worried about COVID exposure. Or may not be able to face it. Or a myriad of reasons. This isn't a measure of your father. Or you. Or even of them. It's just life. If you want to have a funeral, have a funeral. If they show up, recognize that they showed up and respect that. They are there to show respect to and honor your father just as you are.
You ask if you are too emotionally involved - of course you are - and that's perfectly natural - this is your father you are talking about and you are hurt that they haven't visited. BUT, I suggest that you take a deep breath and recognize that they may have their own reasons that you may never know and try to let it go. But I wouldn't try to block them from a funeral just to prove something. If you WANT a private funeral, that is what you should do. If you WANT a regular funeral that is what you should do. Don't let your anger drive this. End of Life planning and grief do funny things to people and you don't want to look back and regret that you did certain things out of anger because you didn't feel that his friends did the right thing in the midst of a global pandemic when they may have had things going on that you didn't know anything about (or maybe they don't - but that isn't what matters - even if they don't - they have their reasons).
It is important if for no other reason that you let go of the anger you are feeling and deal with your grief in regards to your father. His friends have to deal with their own grief and any missteps they may or may not have taken along the way. But don't let this eat you up, there isn't any reason to focus on it.
It seems like excluding friends or family who disappointed you just perpetuates your anger. You won't do well if you invite people under duress, but if you can open your heart to anyone who loves your brother, maybe you can invite them without resentment.
The friends his age may not get out much. Got used to avoiding crowds. Hard to see their own demise. Many don't even go to the funerals. Call his dear friends and let them know when it is, then splinter the group if you still have negative feelings - service and private lunch burial for the family.
You are emotional because he's your dad. I would want his friends to be there for him and emotionally invested like me, but may not be that way for the friends. Let it go. Give him your best and that's all you can really do.
I wrote on 3 occasions to friends asking them to visit as he was lonely. I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s all one sided and only happens if I am involved because of mobility issues. Now, we can’t even do that, he is bedbound, and it is too late as there is no quality of life now.
Firstly, don’t take offense at what I write, but you are expecting things that your dear father’s old-time friends are obviously unable to give, such as driving to visit and socialize with him in person. That is a monumental hill for them to climb (metaphorically) after which they would struggle to entertain an ill man with dementia.
You said your dad couldn’t follow the conversation on Zoom calls. I imagine it wouldn’t be too easy on the elderly friends to try to keep a conversation rolling with your dad.
Therefore I propose that you write personally to each of your dad’s old buddies, and include a sheet of paper and a self-addressed, stamped envelope*. Explain to each old friend what you explained to us, that dad is lonely, nearing the end of his life, and is remembering his old friends fondly. Ask each friend to write a letter or note to your dad which you can read to him. Recommend topics such as “my fondest memory of a great time with dad” or “the time I laughed the loudest at dad’s antics” or “the biggest scrape we got into together” or whatever topics you think will spur the old friends to write.
Make clear to each old friend that dad is nearing the end of his long, fruitful, wonderful life and that “funeral will be for family and close friends only”. Then any oldster who really will want to attend a future funeral can contact you to make clear that he or she would be honored to attend the funeral. The others who might like to, but are too physically frail themselves, will feel relieved to be off the hook and not expected to appear at a funeral, no matter how much they loved your dad.
And it sounds like your dad really is lovable!
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* I recommend you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope and paper to make it easy on the friends. Old people are trying to downsize and probably years ago got rid of letter paper, plus writing may be easier for the elderly to do than to phone and not be able to themselves hear or understand. Rather than an ephemeral phone call, you will have beautiful written fond memories to read to your dad, and to keep and comfort you.
I am a very private person and would not want my friends coming to see me when I am not in control of my faculties. I know that may seem odd to some, but that is how I feel.
My mom has dementia and is in memory care. Her brothers live here in town and do not go to see her. If I pick her up and host something at my home, one of them might come for a short visit, but other than that, they don't go see her. Prior to my moms diagnosis, I had never been around someone with dementia. It can be unsettling to people....you never know who she thinks you are or what is going to come out of her mouth.
Don't take the actions of your dads friends personally. When your dad passes, post his funeral and let those who want to pay their respects come.
Sadly, illness has a way of letting you know who your true friends are. However, you might reach out to them to let them know he is at the end of his life and if they want to see him again, they better do it quick or it might be too late. If they show up, then maybe a service and/or get together might be an option.
For the ones who say they don't want to be reminded of where they might end up, perhaps you can arrange a video call with them.
The choice of how to arrange the funeral is, of course, up to you. Do what you feel good about and don't look back.
Many people are acutely uncomfortable visiting nursing homes and hospitals. My mother was one of those, because it triggered something in her from her own mother's death at a relatively young age. Frankly, I was shocked when she and my dad showed up at the hospital when my first child was born, but she did not visit people in nursing homes and hospitals otherwise. She just couldn't.
When she herself was in a nursing home, she was visited by some people from her church whose job it was to visit and by a couple of friends in the first month or so, but then they trickled off. Even though she was still in the general vicinity of her home, I realized that for people her age, just getting one thing accomplished in a day was a big deal. Sometimes it was going to a doctor's appointment or going to the grocery store, so going to visit someone was really beyond their ability. My dad was a very healthy guy, but even for him at that same age (mid-late 80s) one thing knocked of the checklist per day was about it.
My mother outlived most of her friends, and those who were still alive weren't able to get to her funeral, plus it was during Covid, so I don't really know how many would have attended. We had a total of about 30 people there, and a good half were family, but we really appreciated those who did attend. Yes, I wish more people had been attentive to Mom during the years she was failing, but she also had dementia, and people don't know how to handle that either.
My dad, on the other hand, when given his terminal diagnosis, immediately got on the phone to his friends to tell THEM how much they'd meant to him. He had a steady stream of visitors in the six weeks between his diagnosis and his death, and there were 350 people at his funeral. We were astounded at the love and support we received.
It's up to you whether to have a private funeral or not, but I think having one just to give the middle finger to your dad's friends is petty and vindictive. Don't be so judgmental of others, though. As I said, people do what they can do. Leave it at that.
I found a lot of my mom's friends, who hadn't "been there" so to speak while she had been so ill offered me much comfort at her funeral. The cried with me, they laughed with me, they regaled me with stories about her - some that I knew, some that I didn't - and I was truly glad they took the time to come to her funeral. So if you "ban" some of your dad's compatriots, you might be "missing out" on that aspect at his funeral. Now, only you can decide if the possibility of their being able to comfort you in the future outweighs your bitterness at their treatment of your dad now. It's your decision, and I can't say one is right and the other wrong; it's going to have to be based entirely on how you're doing, emotionally.
Not that I am trying to make excuses for your dad's friends' behaviors, but I have found that the influx of social media has impacted so much in how we communicate with each other and the world. I have been "left out of the loop" so to speak, about friends' lives and families' lives because I refuse to engage in Facebook. I can't be angry at my friends if I'm "left out", because I know that's how much of the world communicates now. If I choose to not engage, then it's on me if I don't get information. As long as I'm not getting "blamed" by my friends for not knowing what's going on when they know I don't "do" Facebook, I'm ok with the balance I've struck. It seems to me that people have accepted social media as a substitute for phone calls, visits, etc. And I've seen just as many elderly people use it as a substitute as I've seen younger people do so.
The last bit of advice I'll give is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do what gives you and the rest of your family the most comfort, and don't worry about what anyone else's opinion on the matter is.
I don’t like funerals. To my mind many of the statements are hypocrisy, and I don’t like gush. I’m glad to have missed the gush (I was interstate), but also I’m glad that it was good for many people there. I’m sure that they were happier to reminisce than to see him in distress. And it’s too late for effective payback or anger, even if you think people should have done more.
Does he ever pick up the phone to call them?
I think ALL relationships that become one-way will dead end.
See what happens by having dad reach out. They may just surprise you.
Dad has always used a mobile phone, however since he began dementia his ability to use the phone has virtually gone. I ring him every day although now he can’t even answer the phone because either he can’t hear it or he can’t hold it because he us too tired. Over the last year, I have been able to check his phone for missed calls, calls received etc. A handful of family phone and 2 friends.
I have emailed his contacts in June 2021 and March this year to update and explain visiting guidance saying that Dad would love to see friends and a change of face after 2 years of just me and my brother.
No one went.
I have helped Dad join in Zoom meetings, but this didn’t really work because he couldn’t keep pace with the conversation nor get his words out quick enough or loud enough for them to hear. We gave up on that one.
I did take Dad out to meet up with others on 3 occasions. I have to check out the venue beforehand to see if it is accessible for him. Because he is on diuretics, he requires the toilet every 20 minutes, and these occasions are highly stressful if he can’t get there in time.
So for a long time, Dad has been unable to reach out, I have been his voice and for the most part, I feel I have been banging my head against a brick wall.
Fast forward many years and they still had few friends when my Dad died and my mother is now in a nursing home. My brother and I are the only ones who have ever visited my mother.
Even if she had a wider circle of friends or had been more involved in the community, I personally wouldn't expect regular visits. Going to a care home or hospice is hard, emotionally and mentally. I also think that she loved being involved, it gave her great joy when she was able to do it and that is what is important. She didn't do it with the expectation that there would be a support group for her, she did it because she wanted to. Even if I, or especially my Dad thought otherwise.
If your father has expressed his wishes for his funeral, honor them. If not, I would do what you think is best based on how he lived his life. I know my mother has lived and loved her life by being involved in her community and I will invite anyone who wants to celebrate that to her funeral.
We all wind up facing our own mortality many, many times during the course of our lifetimes. Frequently, in fact. Death is part of life, whether we choose to acknowledge it or deny it, whether we're afraid of it or embrace it. Showing respect to a loved one or a friend in THEIR time of need should override our fear or whatever other excuse we may have for not showing up for them, in my opinion. We owe it to them to be there, whether it bothers us or not. If we can show up for weddings and parties, we can show up for illnesses and times of need, too. Fair weather friends aren't real friends at all. Real friends & loved ones are there for the good times AND the bad times, too.
As far as the "Covid" excuse #1,343,399 goes, after a liver transplant & being drastically immuno-compromised for the foreseeable future, my DH was told by the MAYO CLINIC to go on with his regular life; not to sequester himself inside the house & hide, but to simply wear a mask when going out & wash his hands frequently. Moving right along..........
I personally think you should arrange a private funeral and only invite those people you'd like to see in attendance. What's the point in inviting others who haven't cared up until now? Memorialize your father the way YOU want to and in a way that would best help you through a difficult day. When my dad died, he lived in an ALF and I had a gathering in the activities room with desserts, drinks & music from Italy (his birthplace) and anyone who wanted to come (from the ALF) could come. The family was invited separately.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I agree with the approach for your DH - we must now get on with life, otherwise we would never walkout of our front door again. Life is for living, particularly when you have faced ill health. Human kindness doesn’t cost anything, Covid has affected ALL OF US, it does not discriminate, I’m tired of it being dished up as an excuse now. We can all test ourselves if we are worried about putting others at risk, which is what we and all of our friends do before we get together (we are in our 50s/60s) That’s sensible - like hand washing and mask wearing.
To quote a famous book, “Do unto others….”
Wishing you well.
Another reason for not visiting that hasn't been mentioned is that some of these people will have been shielding or semi-shielding themselves and probably weren't keen on visiting potential hotbeds of infection. And, they got out of the habit of going out. It's amazing how many people still aren't back to anything like normal.
Does your Dad want to see anyone special? End of life pathways can be harrowing, but they're less so if you use the time for things he wants to do. If he names individuals, then have no inhibitions about it - you ring them up and ask them to come. Better to ask them *for* something - lunch, a drink, for example - but tell them he wants to see them and make it clear you expect to name a day.
Dad has always been there for them. He was a tax attorney and CPA. He did their taxes and drew up their estate plans for nothing. He was always there for him. Years ago, they threw a party to show their appreciation for him.
But now no one calls (that I know of) and no one comes to visit. He lives at home. He's sharp, he just can't remember a damn thing and he's very hard of hearing. So a conversation can be a bit of a struggle.
I acknowledge that we've had a pandemic but he wasn't getting visitors before then either. He can have visitors now. Should I put out a group email inviting them to visit? If no one shows up, I plan to snub everyone of them at the funeral. I am half Italian. I believe in vendetta.