Difficulty getting help from siblings; how can I get my brother to step up and do something to help Mom?

Does your Mom have any Long Term Care insurance? If so, will it cover in home care? I am a HCA (home care aid) & I go into peoples homes, to care for their loved one, so they can get out.

As a caregiver, I can see the strain & the toll, caring for a parent takes on the family.

Unfortunately, you can't control, what your siblings do or don't do.

Dude, 14 yr is A LONG TIME to be the sole caregiver. Kudos to you! You are rare & special, to be doing this.

I am 7 of 10 children, my Mom passed away of cancer 4 years ago (God rest her soul) leaving behind my Dad (married 65 years) broken. We are all amazed, he is still alive.

I am fortunate to have most of my siblings, all pitching in. My Dad lives in a wonderful Adult Family Home. He planned well, for his future. So far, we have not had to dip into any of his funds, as he signed up for a LTC plan years ago.

I would research, anything you can, to get you outside help. Your lack of sibling help, is not only hurting you caregiver wise but eating away at you.

I wish you the best, in finding help.

Tina

P.S. Can you get paid, for caring for her? Does she have the funds. That would help you, with your financial struggles.

jackinohio;

Want or expect sibling help or assistance - don't hold your breath. Also, try not to harbor the anger/resentment. You have to learn to accept reality as it is. Asking, begging, pleading, getting angry, wishing that they will come around and help is a waste of time/energy. Focus that time/energy on helping yourself and your mom.

Some families have wonderful members who step up and do what they can. Others, not so much... Even worse are those who not only don't help, financial or hands-on, and never/rarely visit/call, but also have the audacity to criticize and/or question what you do!

I have the bulk of responsibility - partly because I stepped up when I saw mom starting down the dementia path and partly because the brothers have no clue how to deal with it. It was painful trying to get help from them and it didn't entail mom care - we did have initial moments of working together to find a good place for mom (one younger, working, mom would be alone all day, the other not local. Mom said NO to moving anywhere, and physically I can't take care of her.) Funniest was after the first place we checked, sticker shock hit! They both said for that much money they would take her in!!!  AHAHAHAHAHA. Our parents and aunts took turns caring for grandma, but THAT was a different case. I told them sure, if that's what you want, but you NEED to understand what this entails. It will NOT be like grandma. She did not have dementia. Younger brother also didn't understand AL vs MC and was insisting on AL. No. Once we finally got her moved, I asked for help getting her condo cleared out and fixed up to rent or sell. I was handling all the paperwork and financials, a lot for me to work on, plus arranging/going/working there, 1.5 hr trip ea way.  It was like birthing elephants even getting a reply sometimes! Over a year and a half before the condo was done and sold, but guess who had the biggest piece of that pie??

We also have a "golden boy", the non-local one. When she was okay/living by herself, I would always hear how he called EVERY Sunday (emphasis was hers.) Every few years or so he'd come to visit, but otherwise provided no help. During his last trip here to help with the condo, he went with me to visit - she saw me first, and I got the usual "where'd you come from" and "what are you doing here?" Then she saw him. It was like the second coming of Christ!! Hugging, fawning over him, enough to make your stomach churn! I never had a touchy feely lovey relationship with her, so it doesn't bother me. It just galls when you see someone get all this and they do nothing to deserve it! After that visit, he refused to go back while here, as he "didn't know what to do with her." Oh, and you wanted to take her in??? The other used to help her if she needed something at the condo done. Now? Most of the time I get no response to requests for information/help. I did recently get him to take her to one appointment which is a hike (no local care for the issue, needed 4x/year.) Everything else (financials, appts, questions/paperwork, supplies not provided by MC, working with staff/medical care, etc.) is ALL mine. I can't waste my time and energy wishing, hoping, cajoling, getting angry, etc for anything to change. It isn't worth it. I was much more at peace when I let this go. I do not get paid to take care of anything, and being retired myself, I am on a "fixed" income, which from time to time results in money crunches, but I have so far gotten by.

Years ago, dealing with someone outside the family, I realized I cannot change who they are and how they behave. I had to change my expectations, which resolved my anger at this person's behavior. It took a bit longer to apply that to this current situation, but as noted above, it was worth it.

So, let this go. Be grateful for your sister's help (and let her know!) Research to see if there is any assistance out there you/she can qualify for, either monetary or personal assistance.

I did the same for 8 years - my sister would come up occasionally when she wasn't travelling the country with her husband in her RV. She did manage to take time to tell me what I was doing wrong. When she would visit, she would change and move everything so I couldn't find stuff - criticize both my husband & myself. In the end, after Mom hadn't seen her for a while, Mom didn't recognize her - poetic justice! I was here everyday and when she went into a skilled nursing home for the final year, I went every day to see her. The best thing you can do for you is to not stress about him - my favorite saying was "it is what it is". Holding that resentment will not solve anything only eat you up inside. Realizing there is nothing you can do about it is freeing in a way. Since Mom passed two months ago, I'm so glad I did all of this. I lost things too - missing grandchildren's birthdays - not even seeing my grandson for three years as he's across the country - I was tied to the house and having my own business, that suffered too (my sister is retired). Looking back, I wouldn't change anything. I'm sure your brother feels guilt... but he has to deal with what he has done - he may not show it, but I'm sure he has regrets. You have stepped up and your mother, even though she fawns over him, knows you are the one who is always there. They always take it out on the one closest to them. Don't stress over what you can't control - be gentle with yourself and take pride in knowing you are doing the best for your Mom - even though she doesn't always show appreciation. My Mom didn't until the last couple years, but I could see the love in her eyes even when she was telling me to shut up. I do know how you feel as I felt the same way - this too shall pass.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm disabled and can't drive. We moved here in order to be closer to my brother. Our first Christmas here they had his wife's daughter and granddaughter over on Christmas eve and told us we wouldn't be invited, but he'd bring us food. Since my mom started having all these health issues he's stayed away. She had a heart cath and stents put in a few years ago and he never called to ask her how she was or if we needed anything. To be fair, he WAS dealing with his wife's cancer at the time. My mom used to badmouth me to him and got mad if I criticized him. He hasn't given either one of us a Christmas or birthday present in several years. He lives five minutes away from us and got angry when I called him at 7 one night to help me get my mom off the couch into the wheelchair to go to the bathroom. It took him 20 minutes to get here and he was mad. He said this was the first and last time he would do this. After getting her to the bathroom he left in a huff. He can go out of town any time he wants and I'm here taking care of not only my mom but his three dogs. He takes advantage of me.

The previous answers let you know that most of us who care for our parents do not receive very much help from other family members. Even if your brother would give you respite or pay one of the bills, you would most likely have to ask every time there is a need and that gets as exhausting as the care. Try once more with details in that email of how he could help - I like Countrymouse's advice - then give up on him. But you must get some help. This is too difficult for one person to do alone. Look into what others have suggested as far as agencies for senior care. I don't like that you are struggling financially in this as well. I also don't like that you have given up on having friends and a relationship. Could you and your mom move to a city?

you won't get any help from your siblings..same with mine..but when your loved ones passes you can bet they will be the first to circle like vultures to get a piece of the estate money pie. See an eldercare attorney for estate planning. Dealing with greedy siblings who contributed nothing to the care adds to the stress of post death and it can permanently rip a hole and sever relationships with them and you will never forget it.

It's very sad to Hear, dear, But not Uncommon. If you have a Sibling in the Family who is this Golden Child, There is not much you can do to get him Onboard. However, make sure with you Living with Mom, All of her Accounts and Affairs are Covered and protected so Medicaid Possibly one day or even probate, Would get to them.
Perhaps it is time to Try and Talk to Mom about Leaving bro out of her Will, If you Will.

Welcome to the club. I'm the youngest of two and live closest to mom, so I've gotten the designated duty. I 6 years my brother has come to see her twice for a day each time. Will not help in anyway. I followed this idiot that has tried to kill me since I was born for all my life. Whatever I did was never good enough. He got straight A in school from kindergarten through high school. Was moms favorite golden child that could due nothing wrong. Now that I got her on Medcaid she if finally living in a home where there are others taking care of her. The absolute blessing could have. I still do doctor appointments, haircuts, lunch outings, toes nail manicures. But it is better than the day to day routine. Look hard and wide for another place to be. Better then losing your mental health over.

I wont even read the other responses but say
There is only one way to make another do something and that is to REMOVE yourself.
Just inform him that your responsibility as a child of your mother is over, and that he can now organise and take his part and give a date. That you will be sending her via courier, plane, taxi,........... or that he cough up and give a little. in the way of $$$ and that you are not exactly interested in his personal problems
I have a brother who fits the bill exactly. He had the audacity to come over when my father died and then go through the house to see what he could take back with him.. and really hasnt been around apart from when I screamed at him that his other sisters needed to stop their crapping around and either butt out or agree to the care for my Ma. He flew over and actually stayed in the unit with her for 3x nights. That was enough. He got the picture.
He has been and seen her twice in the past 4 yrs, despite being over in the country a few more times than that
Please go live your life go fling around somehow, you might be single but you are not designed to be captive

A leopard never changes it's spots and your brother is NOT going to change either. So writing him is going to do nothing. I'v been there. I am also from rural ohio, I have POA for mom that's in AL over medical, financial and so on. She is on a Medicaid waiver and everything is fine so far (knock on wood) don't go for guardianship, it costs and you have to drag your mom into court. Go for Medicaid and place her in a nice al it doesn't relieve all the stress but it can take some of it off your shoulders. I wish you the best and believe me your mom knows deep down inside who takes care of her.

Would you really have peace of mind if you left your mother with your brother & went on vacation? My advice is get live in Aide or the sibling who helps or temp respite in facility. I would not have a second of relaxation on vacation knowing do nothing bro is with mom.
🤗 hugs

I can only imagine the fatigue, stress and resentment you are feeling. You have gotten a lot of good advice here on getting resources outside your family to help. I agree that you may not be able to change your sibling’s behavior, but I think it is possible to change the communication dynamics and your internal resentment. I have recommended this book to others on this site because it has been powerful in my own life. I initially used it in my Change Management consulting practice but have experienced its value in my private life. I hope that you read it before sending anything to your siblings. It is “Crucial Conversation: Tools for talking when the stakes are high”. I wish you luck - and a vacation. You deserve to create a life you love.

Wait you’re writing my life. I have tried for years to get my stepdad and mom to not leave my brother as Executor, etc. my stepdad refused. My brother has a lot of money and I believe there was thus thought if they treated him like he was in charge etc he’d help more. Moving ahead: I’m the only girl, my other 2 brothers passed away.
When my stepdad started hospice I flew into action. I redid all the Wills, POA, everything in legal zoom making myself in charge even did paperwork nullifing old trusts.
My stepdad died my mom moved in with me and it still was a problem. Peter my brother did nothing barely talked to my mom but insisted he know everything and was constantly confusing my mom.
Last month a year and a half later, I made copies of everything legal showing me, then I paid for all medical records: my mom fell and broke 3 separate bones in my home. And she has dementia.

I spelled it it all out and said, mom needs you not to ask questions and confuse her, but to just be positive.

I said, what exactly do you want to do? Then I explained all I physically do and told him he has his own relationship with mom. I have mine.

I also blocked him from calling or texting me, as his words hurt my heart and caused me hours of being upset.

I feel free now. I expect nothing from him. He still talks to my mom and visits when he wants, but I don’t expect or need anything from him.

I’m free. People don’t change. My brother has always been like this. And my mom has always kissed up to him at my expense.

You know now I could have never done any of this without Jesus!!!

blessing.

I can tell you that even if they did step up, even the Golden Child, you would still be filled with toxic resentment. There is a Golden Child in every family, including my husband’s. His was his oldest sister. Her life was perfect and still is, for all I know. They have plenty of money, a beautiful $400,000 house, the smartest children, at one time were considering a second home in Florida. My husband's parents adored them. Took their advice in everything. When they were transferred out of state, Mother was so beside herself she convinced Father to loan them enough money to buy a nice house back home near her. They furnished the home for them and provided Sister’s husband with a well-paying job. Husband became the unofficial CEO of the family business. Sister was listened to and obeyed by her sibs and their spouses in all and everything. We helped with the Oldsters because we were ordered to. Soon after they both passed, the family business went under. The family fell apart. My husband is ill and bedridden and we have heard from none of them for years. And that’s fine with me. So, sometimes, be careful what you wish for...

I just read worriedincali's response to this post and I would just like to say you are dead wrong. How dare you make a comment that he shouldn't have to give up his life to care for his mother. What are you thinking. The sib is extremely selfish and I worry about your husband. If the sib has a hard time dealing with the situation then he needs to get some help. I took care of my mother after my mom had a stroke. I took care of her every need and my brother lives in her home with her but never came out of this room even for 15 min a day and never asked her how she was doing NOTHING. I have 5 children, husband has passed, was working full time until I had a heart dissection which was spontaneous which basically means I have to symptoms that would cause a bad heart. I managed to be with her every single day 15 hours a day if not for the care but just to let her know she was NOT ALONE. My two older sibs could have cared less and both wished her dead. This situation is all about putting all the responsibility onto everyone else and turning around and not looking back. It's disgusting. I had to become her caregiver and they chose to walk away. If I walk away who would be there? Who would make sure she was cared for appropriately. I read your comment and had to respond. I was wondering why it was reported and now I know why. Selfish.... look in the mirror.

Not sure what's going on here with some angry comments. But anyway, I'll leave that alone. Just try to find a way to take care of yourself and make the best decisions you can for your mom. You can't control your brother's decisions, so maybe just work around that.  And I'm just guessing? There are gay people in every state. I've heard they're even in rural areas? Lol. And sometimes long distance situations can work too? Don't give up on you being happy!!!

Hi Jack. The sheer # of comments here shows that your situation is common, if that's any comfort to you. (Unequality among siblings in caretaking of elder parent. )Lots of good advice. I'll only add; decide what YOU want and need. Then take steps to make that happen. Nothing you do will make the GC pitch in. Ask him for help, but don't count on receiving it. Some fam members will help with money, if not actual care. I understand your anger, but it's hurting you more than it hurts GC. Your willingness to help mom is commendable, but it's jeapordizing your own life. Draw in help from other sources, as have been suggested. Then take care of your own needs- physical, emotional, social, financial, etc. Don't add to the statistic of caregivers who get ill or die before the one they're caring for. Your life matters too.

Dear jackinohio: First of all, I have a friend who is a gay man and just got engaged. So welcome, Jack! Caregiving typically does fall on one adult child. If the arrogant and self-serving brother does not want to help with the caregiving, then so be it. He will have to live with it .... unless he possesses zero conscience. Get respite from Visiting Nurse Association, et al. And thank you for taking such good care of your dear mother!

Hi Jack,
OMG! This is me! I am in the same exact position as you. I also have a brother who does very little for my mother who suffers from Parkinson's and is bed bound. I've been taking care of her since 2009 and have sacrificed a lot in the process. Also struggling financially and have bouts of depression. However, I finally came to the conclusion that "asking" for his help doesn't work, I tell him what he "has" to do. If I give him an option to help, he most certainly would decline. If I need to take a weekend to myself to catch a break, I tell him that he needs to be here to take care of his mother, and I make a "step by step" list of things that must be done for her daily care, almost like a road map. I don't expect him to do things exactly the way I would, but as long as it gets done, I'm grateful. Sometimes I think it takes becoming more assertive in your request that will gain more respect. I'm still the full time caregiver, but it has gotten a bit easier getting his help now. I hope this helps as I definitely understand what you're going through.

Oh Jack, you would be surprised how many there are of us in similar situations, similar family dynamics. With 2 siblings that have never ever traded a vacation day to stay with either of our parents at any time in our lives when they had a major surgery while they lived 4-8 hours away, spouses, healthy incomes, healthy benefits from employers, why would I think for a minute that they would give up anything to help their parents now in the last years of their lives? No way will they take time off for Dr appointments, hospital stays, long days of appointments. Judge? You bet, they are really good at that! I will not discuss what I have had to give up as I have been ill since 06. When I got to a place up being on my feet, I was “voted to to be the one” “you have no life” (in my state where I was happy living), and once I was here for a surgery and recouping of a parent, dealt with Drs, one was here for 2days, no help- no questions for the Dr ect, my other parent depended on me (someone) to drive to the city. It was apparent the folks could not go these situations alone. I have not seen my belongings in 10 years. Due to my illness and my unplanned relocation. 2200 miles away, not once has the either sibling offered for me to have a break to retrieve them and a moving company is cost prohibitive. Replacement cost is also cost prohibitive as I am no on a fixed disability and due to the injury, unemployable. I recently lost my service animal, best pal for years, not one family member addressed my grief. Depression, over the top. 2 therapists. Nearly broke, I wonder every day what the heck is this all about? I am glad they are still here and relatively healthy. But not easy to deal with. Disrespectful, no boundaries, and due to my circumstances they think they can run over me. To my parents I am still about 12. It is common.
There are plenty of us out here, It takes patience to care for your parents. Not all kids can. Frankly, I thought this would happen my whole life. Growing up I knew my siblings would scram when they would be needed.
Dont give up. Perhaps give your siblings the dates you will be gone, period. Do not let them tell you know. Either this date or another, but don’t let them tell you no that they will have to come take care of things while you are taking a much needed prescribed break.
Good luck, heads up!

Dear Jack,
I completely understand your story but I just wanna repeat Lkyrnt04 ' words, Llamalover47 and others. Flick the negative comments...they are air wasters. Just dont read them, skip over them, negativity is for silly billies and do something that you can change and stay positive.

You write that one sister will help out? Okay, thats better than not having anyone.
Remember every day to do something for your own self care even if it is just having a cuppa coffee outside and feeling the breeze brushing past your gorgeous face.

Good luck and I hope you remember that your a rarity. YOu are DOING caring. Not many people can do what your doing. You are special. You are interesting and kind and you are able to stop and see care is needed.

I'm a carer not just for home but for the community. I see elderly people who have family who don't even have the knowhow to understand a FAN for heat is needed for an elderly person in their home.

My sister was my was my best friend until the day I asked her to take our disabled Mom, who lives with me, for a weekend or two each month. Yadda yadda yadda, my sister and I are now estranged. Her life is so busy, and stressful, and so much more important than mine!

Sad, the things you learn about your family when your parents get old and sick.

Years ago I was dear friends with an elderly lady who had a good sized family. She became older and needed help and not a single solitary soul from her family was willing to step in and help. I was working full time, newly married, but I was the one taking care of her, for a number of years - without help. Finally, I said enough was enough and I put her into a wonderful nursing home and she loved it. She lived until age 98. Sad as it may be for you, you may not have a choice but to put her in a facility and let Medicare and Medicaid and her personal finances work out the details. And as to your brother, make sure she has a will and her affairs are current - cut him out of both of your lives forever. he is not worth it. And pray that what goes round comes round - that he gets old and has no one to give a dam.

I as well as many other caregivers out there whole heartedly understand where your coming from. Siblings who offer help and do nothing to help truly believe that making the offer is helping. I learned this information via an alz/dem conference. They lack the compassion and dedication that others have. We as full on caregivers find it hard to imagine but were not supposed to fault them or assign blame. There will come a time where you will have memories to cherish where as they will not. That is something to be forever grateful for. Be strong and take care of yourself too !

Unfortunately, you can't change him. The sooner you let that go and just focus on you and your Mom, the happier you'll be. I went through the same with my sister and I just gave up trying to get her to visit Mom or help with care. You're adding more stress to yourself getting upset about his actions. He will have to live with his decisions once your Mom is gone, he will have the regrets...you won't. That's his choice.

I do believe you need time to yourself. Your mental health is very important. You're no good to your Mom if you're not healthy in all aspects of your life.

I pray you find some peace. Hang in there!! You're an amazing son!!!

Without reading the other answers yet, I will tell you that care giving is one of those things you can't force on anyone else and the only reward you will ever receive is knowing you did the best you could for someone you loved. I, too, put in 14 years and I know that none of my siblings will ever completely understand the sacrifices. But don't be so self-sacrificing that you leave yourself destitute. With your sister's help, draft a care-giving agreement in which you will be compensated by your sister and brother for taking care of your mother. You are valuable to them because they have freedom because of you.

I have not read all the responses but I am sure that what I have to say will be taken wrong by some.

John, you made a decision to care for your mom, that is awesome that you were willing and able, your sister has made a decision to help you care for mom, that's great she does what she can, when she can. Your decision does not obligate your brother to be a caregiver for mom. He has made his decision. He will not help care for mom. The more you fret about his decision the harder it is on you.

Not every relationship is the same. My mom went out of her way to show me that she loved my brother and despised my existence. He never saw it, maybe the glow from being the golden child blinded him, who knows. My point is, you need to let go of trying to get him to assist, he's already told you where he stands, believe him.

If your sister is willing, don't judge that it's not fair to her, she is willing to spend her vacation with her mom. Accept with graciousness that she is willing.

If you didn't have a meeting of the minds when you decided to care for mom, you can't expect them to support you like you did, they didn't decide you would be the caregiver and we would....

When I read your post the 1st thing I thought was how hard it must be to be your sibling. He's damned for not helping and she's damned for helping to much.

You have to let people be who they are, you above others should understand the importance of that. No offense intended, we all know how hard it is for you.

Please focus your energy on finding realistic ways to help you help your mom, your brother isn't on that list. So stop trying to make him something he is not, it only pushes him further from the ability to hear you.

It may be time that mom is beyond home care and in need of placement. Take a look at the facts and go from there.

I hope you find a way to get a break, no one can care 24/7/365 for years without a break.

I answered this somewhere else in these posts but forgot to say one thing. I have always been led to believe there is a season for everything; what you reap is what you sow; and there is a reason for everything. I am beginning to understand that because of the hard life I have led and one thing I learned - and I wish to God I had learned this much sooner than I did - there are people in this world who are good and kind and there are those who are selfish and mean. No matter what the dynamics of the relationship are, and trust me on this, if they are mean and selfish - WALK AWAY FROM THEM, LEAVE THEM IN THE DUST, AND NEVER LOOK BACK......if you don't they will ultimately destroy you. Don't let that happen. Start thinking of YOU. Do the best that you can but recognize there is a point beyond which you can't and should not go. Then you must think "out of the box" and find another solution. And remember this, for every problem, there is always a solution . . . . you just have to search and find the best one and then solve it using that good solution. It can be done.

Hello and my heart goes out to you. I'm in the same situation. I live in LA my brothers in Pasadena and a firefighter. He will not do a thing. We haven't seen him since Christmas smdh. Now I heard he bought a new car. I see him about 4 times a year. It's ridiculous. And were on a tight budget. I've been taking care of our Mom for 7 years she is senile/ dementia. It's been devestating to watch her decline. And my brother never calls or ask about her OR ever want to hear about her condition. My girlfriend across the street from has been taking care of her dad he is 97! Her brother never helped until first she wrote him a detailed letter about their dad his health needs and all the problems. Her not having no quality of life but care taking. Like u and me. And told him she needs help period flat out please help me with our Dad and please come over so we can talk. And to our surprise he did. Now he has a schedule with her. That allows her to have a life. SO I'm writing a letter too !! And then calling him. And I just found out he's been off 6 month due to knee surgery. That was last year. He was walking fine on Christmas. So it's COMMUNICATION!!! Till u turn blue. REACHING OUT till u get a response!!! Over and over. That's my plan. I'm sending a fat hug to you. I'm topping my situation off with prayer because it's my faith that has held me up. Many blessings.

I've been there. Only I had 5 brothers and 1 sister. It just worked out that I would take care of Mom and help my dad. And no, I wasn't my Mom's favorite, we all knew it was one particular brother. But look at it this way, you were there for her when he wasn't. You won't have guilt when her time comes. You're sister is wonderful to help you out, make peace with that. No one can make anyone do something. This will become one of your brother's biggest regrets, even if he doesn't say so.

In the end, my brothers that didn't help, hadn't called in years, or visited her; they were the ones that were blubbering over her dead body at the hospital ER. Let go that Mom has her favorite, they all do. Know that while she may not communicate it, she knows who is there for her. I hope that things get better for you and you are able to take your vacation.