My sister and I have been visiting my mother every day since my father passed away six years ago. Before that, we visited my father every day during the last five years of his life.We have put ourselves in a position where we are constantly sacrificing our own needs. We are exhausted by these daily visits, which also involve doing the shopping and sometimes preparing the evening meal.What makes the situation particularly difficult is my mother's depressive mood. Whenever we visit, she constantly complains about how she is feeling and says that she is fed up with being there and that she is a burden to us.The truth is that the situation is becoming increasingly difficult for us, with this constant obligation. She causes us so much heartache, and that is why we keep going and continue to put ourselves in this position.There is so much sadness and guilt involved. It is really hard. What should we do? Should we consider a care home? I feel that she wouldn't survive it.
After my father died, my mother told me to stop coming by to spend time with her after 3 or 4 days. She lived in Assisted Living and the other widows were waiting to take her down to meals and activities. I thank God every day she lived in AL, let me tell you.
Don't delude yourself that she wouldn't survive AL! She'd have a much better life THERE than she has now, with activities and people to socialize with. Just make sure you don't call it a "care home" because AL is more like a nice hotel with caregivers available 24/7. Find one that's extra nice and you'll see what I mean. My folks loved their apartment and their time in AL.
Best of luck backing away from mom and taking your own lives back.
What do you think happens in a "care home," which is not the correct term? They are (mostly) called Assisted Living these days. You should visit some. Mom would be happier there with folks of her own age and fun things to do. They go on outings. They make friends. They have entertainment. They do not pull out the fingernails of their residents, nor do they put fire to the soles of their feet. My husband lives in one. Everything is run efficiently, the food's like home cooking, three hot meals a day and snacks in between. Today the p.m. snack was homemade carrot cake. The aides are fun and take good care of the residents. This month they're having a Decorate The Door To Your Room competition for Halloween. I will be helping.
You and sis are boring. You're exhausted, resentful, spend all your time there every day doing necessary tasks (and why, pray tell, can't mom clean, cook, and shop?). Mom is a burden, she knows it, and it makes her feel miserable. The present situation is unworkable and has been for some time. If mom went to an AL, you and sis would be enjoying more of your visits, and if Mom wants to complain there, she would be listened to by people who are paid to listen. Not you.
Get over yourselves, your fears and your qualms. Save yourselves and mom too. Good luck!
PS: It would be easier than you think to get it rolling. "Oh, but mom wouldn't like it!" etc etc etc. You give her no choice. Senior brats can be handled. You're the adults and she is now the child.
If you feel the need to go visit then you each go once a week and make sure that she has everything she needs on those visits. Meals can be made ahead of time that she can just reheat if needed. Or even just a sandwich and some chips are fine on occasion as well. And surely your mom knows how to use a microwave, so she can just heat up some frozen dinners as well.
You and your sister have enabled your mother for far too long now and it's time now to stop the insanity!
You are NOT your mothers keeper and you will never make her happy, so yes, time to step away and have the conversation about moving her into an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and can complain to her hearts content to whoever will listen.
You've done enough and it's time to take your life back. I wish you well in doing just that.
You know, SHAME ON THEM. It wasn’t “different” when they were young. The 1961 Twilight Zone episode “kick the can” is all about nursing homes that people born in the 1920s and 1930s sent their elders to! It was normative BACK THEN and now they wanna whine. Really. If she’s going to be so depressed when you see her, stop seeing her. I’m not a big believer in antidepressants to curtail issues like this tbh. They’ll only help if she wants to get better and do the work. She doesn’t.
Stop kicking the can.
One way to make a very clear “statement’ is to put your ear plugs in when she complains. You can still continue with your useful tasks, but you won’t have to listen and she won’t get the satisfaction of complaining. You never know, it might change things more than you expect.
Once your Mom's depression is properly treated, then start backing away from the daily visits. Visit every other day, and then less if this is what you wish to do. I also agree that a care home/AL would be good for her because loneliness is very hard on elders and in a lot of cases they can't do much about it (especially if they are depressed).
Don't feel guilty, you've done lots for her and now it's time for a different strategy. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You and Sis need healthy boundaries. Guilt is for felons, for people who do immoral, unethical and illegal things. This is definitely not you and your sister. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you continue to help your Mom.
And you n sister may have the energy once mom is settled, to provide a party st her new home with her new friends and caregivers!!!
And maybe, just maybe, you gals can go out for a picnic or lunch once in awhile.
MOVE MOM, make it fun..
and if she barks,remind her she wasn't happy at home.. and is she csn bark at new faces who will not take it so personally, she just knows she is losing control...it's not her choice? But these professionals know how to make her comfortable and make her have a new outlook ...
give them a chance... tell her she's going to be spoiled eith sll the help surrounding her...
Why don't you tag team. Don't both of you go everyday. I know 2 sisters that both went to see their Mom everyday at the AL. It got too much because they worked f/t and had families so one went one day and the other the next day. Alternate your Days. Maybe get some help in? If you are Seniors Mom needs to realize that your energy levels are not what they used to be.
Mom may need a good physical with labs to make sure her numbers are normal. She may need an anti-depressant. But, there are people who are "Debbie Downers". They are never satisfied or happy. They expect too much out of people and when those people don't do what they expect, they are miserable.
You probably will never make Mom happy. You need to have that attitude. I find the people who seem to deal with people like this are the ones who can bring humor into a situation. Its going to be hard to set boundaries now but thats what you need to do. Life changes as we age and we need to learn to go with the flow.
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