My parent moved in with my husband, daughter and I 8 years ago because my mother's medical costs left them no choice. My mother passed 3 years ago after a long illness of COPD and emphysema during which time I was her main caretaker plus working full time. My father is 93, in good health and still is with us. My daughter is a senior in college and this arrangement has been going on through her entire high school years as well as all of her college years. I come home and have no privacy, no room to have my own life at all. Every decision is driven by the fact that my father is there and he doesn't like it when we go anywhere. If we do go to a movie or dinner we feel obligated to ask him along since he doesn't have anyone in his life but us. I guess I am just exhausted at this point and depressed. I find myself just not wanting to go home anymore. Both my husband and I have pretty high stress jobs so it's getting to both of us. I know there isn't anything that can change, I just need to vent somewhere because at this point every time I leave the house I am in tears. Eight years is a long time and the relationships with both my parents have never been great.
Please take care of yourself. I have been doing elder care for my father for 3+ years. It has taken a tole on both my physical and mental health. I believe the stress played a major role in my having had breast cancer, and everyday I feel like a nervous wreck. My father won't go to our nice senior center, he just wants to stay in the house where he constantly is either staring at me out the window if I try to do anything in the yard, or if I try to go anywhere, or he is asking the same questions over and over, "Where are you going? What are you doing? etc, etc, etc.". I have no privacy unless I hide out in my bedroom upstairs (we have told him the upstairs is off limits, but he still has gone up there on occasion), so now I don't feel like I have any privacy up there either. I feel like I am a twitching nervous mess, and that my father will out live me due to the stress he is causing me (he is 84, and I am about to be 53). You have done so much. It sounds like it is your turn to be cared for.
TO ONE CAREGIVER TO ANOTHER CAREGIVER,
YOU ARE ALREADY BURNED OUT AND YOU ARE RUNNING ON RESERVED ENERGY. I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WHO IS IN ADVANCED STAGE OF DEMENTIA AND SHE LIVES WITH US.
MAY I GIVE YOU SOME HELPFUL HINTS.
1. YOU SHOULD JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.
2. TRY TO ALWAYS GET A GOOD NIGHT REST..VERY IMPORTANT, BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD REST YOU CAN THINK BETTER.
3. WHEN YOU FEEL THINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. JUST TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS GO FOR A SHORT WALK. DON'T GO HOME RIGHT AWAY TAKE 15 MINUTES FOR YOURSELF, GO TO THE PARK OR THE LIBRARY JUST DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. WHEN YOUR MIND IS CLEAR & PEACEFUL YOUR STRESS LEVEL IS REDUCED AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH THINGS BETTER. THESE ARE SOME OF THINGS THAT I DO AND THEY WORK BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
AND NEVER EVER BE HARD ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!
HANG IN THERE
PHYLLIS FROM NY
Each state has somewhat different Medicaid rules, but there may be an assisted living situation where he could be with peers, or else maybe you can get some in-home respite help.
Please check it out.
Carol