My mum has failed the test that she was given and now they are saying her scoring means she has dementia which I have suspected for a while now the fact is that I can’t cope with it and she drives me mad I feel awful as she won’t accept it and says I’m talking a lot of rubbish so I tend to stay away and only go round weekly when I need to do her shopping even that ends in an argument how do I deal with this?
You don't 'tell' your mom that she has dementia b/c she won't believe you anyway. My mother is 95 next month with advanced dementia and living in a Memory Care Assisted Living home since June of 2019. She STILL tells me the other residents are 'stupid morons' and there's nothing at all wrong with HER; it's the OTHERS who are nuts. She's in worse shape than many of the other residents, but not in her mind. She'll never accept her diagnosis so we don't discuss it.
As far as me coping with it goes...........it's not MY diagnosis, thank God, so what is there to cope with? If she had lung cancer or another disease, I'd deal with it, too, just like I deal with her dementia AND her other diseases and personality disorders. She is who she is and I can't change her, that's the bottom line. Nor can I 'fix' her or make her life into something she'd like it to be. She's been miserable for her entire life and unhappy WITH it; I'm not good enough, my father wasn't good enough, her homes weren't good enough, her life has sucked for the past 95 years so what's going to change NOW? Nothing. She's well cared for and safe where she's at; that's all I care about. I go visit her once or twice a week and speak to her on the phone a couple of times a week these days. I bring her what she needs at the MC, and that's about it. She was accepted into hospice last week, so she now has another element of support looking after her as well.
Have the carers see to your mother and you pick up the slack. Make a deal with yourself NOT to argue with her anymore b/c that only leads to YOUR unhappiness and self-loathing. If she's like my mother, she'll refuse to make a list of what she needs from the store, so get her what YOU think she needs and leave it at that. When she gets ugly, leave her presence rather than have a fight. Set down some rules for yourself that you'll abide by and then stick to them. Decide what you will and won't do for her, and how long you'll stay for a visit, and under what circumstances you'll leave. Take care of YOURSELF in the process of trying to care for her. Realize you're unlikely to make her 'happy' and let go of the notion entirely.
Wishing you the best of luck creating a care plan that works for YOU!
In the early stages I think the person is aware that there is something wrong. Would you want to admit to yourself that you have a desease that is going to rob you of your memories. That you won't remember what you did the day before, the hour before, the minute before? That you will lose all dignity eventually. Someone will have to potty you, bathe you, dress you. And this could last for years. There is no cure. Early stage it can be slowed down but why? So you are aware that something is wrong longer?
At this point Mom probably has short-term memory loss. She probably has lost the ability to reason so trying to reason with her is a lost cause. They lose empathy and get self-centered. As the desease progress I think they go back in time. My Mom forgot she had kids and there were 4 of us. Someone asked her one day how her kids were doing, she said she had no children. They become like small children.
You do not remind her she has Dementia. She doesn't need to except the fact. My Mom was told once. In the early stages TV and dreams became part of her reality. She could not separate them. She would tell me "the doctor wants to talk to you" It was Dick VanDyke on the TV. I would tell her, thats the TV Mom. She would say, oh yeah. Eventually, I didn't even say that.
There is no rhyme or reason to this desease. Its very unpredictable. You Moms brain is dying. One day she may seem normal the next day in her own little world. We were at a diner with Mom. She wanted hot tea. As usual, they brought the water in a little metal teapot. I put the tea bag in the cup, she went to pour the hot water into the cup...before we could stop her she turned the teapot upside down which opened the top. It was like watching something in slow motion. Hot tea all over the table. Luckily, we had not been served our meals and none got on her.
Your Mom will not be able to live alone much longer. I would not live with her or her live with you. I would start looking for options. If she can afford it, a nice AL. Maybe an aide in the home when u can't be there. There's Medicaid for "in home" and LTC. Don't think Mom is ready for LTC though.
You are going to need to learn to let things roll off your back and not take what she says personally. You will be the one she gets angry at paranoid with. They are very good at "showtiming". And then they "sundown". You have to learn to "go with it". But, that is why my Mom was placed in an AL, I had a hard time "going with it". I don't like the unknown. I like things to go smoothly and get overwhelmed when there is just too much going on at once. And, as the oldest and a daughter who was blamed when anything happened to the younger ones, I hated it when I was the one that got the brunt of it with Mom. I understood why, just didn't like it.
Teepa Snow has many great videos on YouTube about dementia, and the book The 36 Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins might be a great place to start.
You will be better equipped to handle your mum the more knowledgeable you are about the disease.
And she may never accept it. that is often quite normal, so it is you who must now accept the diagnosis and do what you can to learn all about it.
Will the road ahead be easy? No. But we are here when you need to vent or need just a "virtual" shoulder to cry on.
You can do this. You're stronger than you realize. And also remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am a living testament to that statement. God bless you my dear.
Understand that all this conflict is due to the disease, as dementia is not just a memory issue-your mom's brain is losing it's viable connections and all those things that the brain handles along with memory, like reactions, feelings, sight, hearing, empathy, judgement, reason, intuition, are all being affected as the disease progresses. When you try to tell your mom about the test results you are arguing with a broken brain, even though your mom can still look and talk with you in a way that 'looks' normal. She can't help it-she just can't understand that there are changes going on. You will get way too frustrated trying to make her see 'sense', a good plan is to take some time and brush up on what this all means for you and for her.
I found this helpful:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Stages of Alzheimer's (there are many types of dementia, but this list of the stages helps identify specific losses. A person with Alzheimer's type dementia will go through these stages fairly consistently, but it's the nature of dementia for it to be as individual as each person is):
https://tamcummings.com/stages-of-dementia/
This forum is dementia specific. Very helpful! Also, resources... https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=topics&f=151
These videos, to start with...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5QMeQpkPhA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjGEexyagRk
I wish you luck. Nothing about this is easy. Now is a good time when things are calm to work out your mom's legal, financial, and healthcare wishes so that your family can move forward with supporting her in the best way possible and according to her wishes. I would recommend talking to an elder care Lawyer to help get her affairs in order.
https://www.elderlawanswers.com
I never brought it up, I wouldn't engage when he did and I made myself scarce when he was on a rampage.
Arguing seems to make some feel like they aren't losing any mental capacity. Maybe your mom is one?
Learning to ignore what can't be helped or changed will help you feel less frustrated. Arguing doesn't help, it just gives them something to brood about and use to start another argument.
Look up grey rock and start using that when she instigates an argument.
This is a scary, challenging time for both of you, start setting and implementing boundaries now to lesson the future toll this disease will cause.