Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

I started this conversation because I did not want to deal with all the "sorry for your loss" from people who did not care enough to even know what I was actually going through everyday. Compared to what most of you are going through my journey has been a short one (a little over 9 months). Mom passed the day after Christmas. The nurse said it could have been a few days earlier. I asked Mom if she could hold on so I wouldn't have the memory of losing her on Christmas. She WAS Christmas in our home. I'd like to think she heard me. I was there as she took her last breath. I am so grateful to have ended our journey together. I decided to go ahead with the "dog and pony" show as I think someone called it. (I agree on that). Had no regrets until now, did not want to have this be a possible regret. Thought of the scene in It's a Wonderful Life where everyone is praying for George Baily. Hoping to put it out there for some good thoughts sent my way for strength to get through this day. And hugs to all of you caregivers giving so much of yourselves. Only those of us actually doing it know how much it takes from us. Not just the daily work but the pain of watching our loved ones suffering.

126Cher, my heart goes out to you, it is really hard to have so much going on with other caregiving needs to not even have time or energy to mark your own Dad's passing the way you might want to. Don't give up, just postpone if you have to. My FILs ashes waited quite a while with us before we were able to get them back to his other son to take back to Poland. It still meant something to my hubby when we finally got that done. We had a little service for ourselves right in the middle of trying to deal with their house and with Mutti (MIL) who was in a geropsych unit.

Dad died Nov 2nd and I was going to do something after his cremation & decided not to because Mom and my Husband needed so much care. It was a hard 4 years.
So I am about to give up the idea.

assandache7....know what you mean...was thinking of this as well...have some family, who in fact, came right past our street during Thanksgiving and did not bother to come see Mama...It almost broke my heart...I am just thankful she doesn't know it....But they live over 10 hours away..like you said, I'm guessing I will hear the whole "we need to wait til they can get here.."...nope..won't happen. I'm going to do what I have to do to get through it..and that is it..Afterwards, all I want to do is find somewhere quiet where I can pull myself together....I won't be planning anything around all the people who were so inconsiderate and couldn't be bothered to just stop by for a few minutes..

My Mom's already planned and paid so it will be the service she wanted.. BUT don't expect me to go above and beyond for my siblings...

I'm the one who will be in contact with the funeral home it will be the standard .. Next day in the paper followed by wake 4-8, mass next morning, straight to cemetery. If my out of state siblings need travel time, I say tough crap...

I have responded on this thread before and still pretty much feel that way..but today I have to say...what I would really like to do is just for it all to be over when it's over...I am so ashamed to say that...but after this week...and the one before...I am just not remotely wanting to think of having to go through all the hoopla just because the general population thinks you should....The general population sure hasn't been here through any of it...I have been...I have no regrets...all her family and friends who would attend are, for the most part, already passed...why put myself through all that...especially the folks who think by drifting by and hugging me and saying.. "sorry for your loss"...will erase the memory that they were NOT here through the past four + years....or a lot of years before when she could have enjoyed their company...

I am of the belief that whatever makes you feel comfortable is OK. Personally, I am not one to go to the cemetery etc. My sister goes weekly and I respect that. My feeling is that once you are gone, you live in the minds and hearts of those who loved you. Others must do what feels right to them & we really shouldn't judge.

My Husband's father passed on Jan 9, 2015 and my father passed on Jan 28, 2015. My husband did not attend either funeral. He said it would be too emotional for him. I respected his decision.

Nansacola - I love it!!! I once told my hubby to toss my ashes off the roof of the Bellagio. We had eloped and honeymooned there - it was right after 9/11 and the place was deserted so they upgraded us to a penthouse suite! It was the most romantic, happiest time of my life.

I'm another "funerals are for the living" believer. DH and I once had a general conversation about funerals, graves, cremation etc. I told him I just didn't get the whole tradition; esp being buried the the ground. He said "so that the people who loved you can visit you there". I replied "but I'm not there". Remember me visiting the places I loved. Walk the beach, ski a slope - heck, play my favorite machine at my favorite casino! Burn my empty shell and if you need a specific place to visit me - scatter the ashes at a place we loved together.

Our circumstances are similar. I care for my 96-year old mother who lives with advanced Alzheimer's disease. She has no other family or children and I am single with no family of my own. I have a few cousins on my father's side none of whom I have seen or spoken with in years. Since I have no one to invite to a formal funeral service, I recently pre-arranged to have my mother buried next to my father to whom she was married for 56 years without attendees or clergy. My mother was never a religious woman. Once I made the arrangements, I felt much better. It is better to this before hand I feel to avoid having to make arrangements later while grieving. I have no regrets that I am not doing more for more mother because there is nothing more that I can do for her. Besides, I show my love her every day by providing her the best care I can for the past seven years. I don't need a formal funeral to my feelings. Coincidentally, my mother's name is also Emily.

As an update to my original answer. We just returned from Las Vegas where I fulfilled my mother's last wish......some ashes be spread on The Strip.

I found a perfect spot that had her favorite palm trees and white rocks. When I spread the tiny bag of ashes, they blended in with the rocks. We went back the next day, and I took photos of the view she will enjoy forever. It looks straight down the strip. She would have loved the place I found. You could not even see the ashes the next morning. Every time we return, a part of her will be waiting for us.

Mom was always one with perfect hair and perfect clothes and she did not want people seeing her dead in a box. So her body went to the University of Buffalo Medical School. She DID want a church service, and a meal afterward for those attending (Pure Italian!). We are sticking to her wishes, nice service, lots of singing and music and food.

I am leaning towards a memorial service. My mother has deteriorated and I prefer for people to remember her when she was healthier.

Just had a favored teacher die. The woman was 87. She was an only child. Her "niece" was actually a God daughter. There were no funeral services. The obit said private.

Many people don't care
Rach

Continued..
When she said "I think I"ll be more comfortable in that one." (Casket or other related item). I said "how will you know?!!!"

If possible, it is far better for the elder to preplan their funeral. I went with my mother to do and it turned out to be quite humorous when she daud "

Emily, I'm speaking to you as a person who with my husband planned my mom's funeral entirely without input from my dad... He is the person we are caring for now. daddy wanted nothing to do with it He was very specific on who he wanted there. basically no one even though mom was an extremely social person. Daddy didn't know her circle of friends and didn't want to get to know them. He would have rather skipped the whole thing mom had Alzheimer's for years and we were with her every day for all of those decades and final years when she really went over the proverbial cliff. We had been grieving the entire time already. For the few people who were allowed to attend the ceremony, maybe some of them were able to find closure, but that was quite expensive for us to provide for them when we would have rather had a family meal and discussed memories of mom in her younger years. We were the people who were there for her in the end, everyone else lived close by the memory care unit but were mostly too busy to visit. In retrospect, especially knowing my mother was a woman of unwavering faith, I truly believe we should have skipped the funeral. we should have taken a family vacation instead. Her mother had already paid for her plot, but we could have had a private burial and avoided all the extra expense. The guy we hired to give a speech was supposedly a professional and got many aspects of Mom's life mixed up...it was almost as though we had a used car salesman speaking on behalf of my precious most accomplished mother. He forgot to mention she was valedictorian in both high school and college. He forgot to mention she was first clarinet in the Sacramento Symphony for many years. he said things she did that she never did. It was awful my husband had to dig his fingernails into his chair to keep from tackling this buffoon. That person by the way was suggested to us by the funeral home, as were the florist etc. This is all about money for them. Funerals are a huge cash cow at a time when family members are too bereaved to care about their financial situation moving forward. Mom would have wanted us to save that money for the grandchildren's college education...or whatever they might desire. She would have wanted us to use that money to improve the lives of her loved ones because it was her belief that once her body gave in, she was with her loving Heavenly Father. I have no doubt there is a place of honor in heaven for her. Anyway just to sum this up, I think the funeral home business like the long term care industry is just one more way our seniors and their bereaved loved ones are ripped off at the weakest point in their lives. The long term care insurance company CNA had gotten my parents somehow decades ago on the hook. After mom died my husband had a heart attack. We assume my dad who has dementia threw away the mail when they sent the bills out and we got cancelled. Per my calculations, we paid them over $250,000 and we're never late one time in the decades we paid. When I realized I hadn't seen a bill from them or even a phone call, they had several phone numbers to contact us and they did not try even once!!! I contacted them. They said there was nothing they could do. 25 years of paying on time and it was about $7,000 every year... I would have done everything differently. I would suggest to you that you do some soul searching and ask yourself who are we really doing the funeral for? Only you can answer that for yourself. I wish you all the luck in moving forward and really do sympathize with your position and I can say that because I've been there. Caregiving is the hardest job in the world, the only guarantee is it will get harder. Take care hang in there God bless.

I understand your struggle on this. It's a hard decision. You, we as caregivers, are actively grieving while caring for an aging loved one - we are going through the funeral process in real-time - everyday - until the person actually passes away. And with you doing all the legwork as the caregiver only to then shell out money for a funeral and after party/gathering, where they'll be food to pay, for attendees who didn't spend time with your mother - no time - but are there because they feel it's the right thing to do yet they didn't think it was the right thing to spend time with your mother in her last years/months/days and yet they still feel obligated to say "Sorry for your loss..." while enjoying the food you just bought them. This would not sit well with me and I'm in a very similar position as you. My mother is homebound due to her medical conditions. Her only companionship is me and the relief caregiver I have come in once a week. You need to do what's right - for you as you'll be the one left to pick-up the pieces to move on with your life. Will these people who are not involved in your mother's life be there for you after your mother passes away? You'll need support to help you deal with the loss of your mother. Don't feel guilty if you decide a funeral is not best for your situation. And don't let others sway you after you've made the decision.

Like much of caregiving, there are many variables here. In Emily's case, it seems like there would be few people who would attend a funeral and her years of caregiving have sapped the energy required to plan services. I appreciate vstefans' point about closure for those left, but it seems like Emily is the only one left who might need this. Eddie had the luxury of asking his dad about his choices. That is not possible for those of us caring for someone with advanced dementia. My mom has not had any visitors other than me, my children and grandchildren for a long time. When my dad died more than eight years ago, his funeral was attended by several hundred of their friends, former co-workers and family. Since then, all of mom and dad's siblings have died except for one, many cousins have died, two nieces have died, and most friends are either deceased or in care facilities. My only sibling has not spoken to mom since shortly after dad died. We will have services for mom because I think that is what she would want, but I do not expect many attendees, especially if the weather is poor. Time changes things.

Vstefans: Agree with you.

When dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I asked him if he wanted to be buried, cremated, or recycled. (Yes, we had that kind of relationship.)

Cremation with the ashes scattered in the Amazon River was too cliché for him. Donating his body for science to play with was a gas. We laughed for days about it. Finally we settled on a party-funeral with plenty of food and booze. So we celebrated his life instead of mourning his passing.

Forgive me if I come across as flippant, but did you ask your mother what she wanted?

My husband passed away this last June, and he was creameted. We had paid for our creamation, burial plots, etc. about 8 years ago. We both said we did not want a funeral, but my husband was in the military for 4 years and he did want a 21 gun salute. So we just had a small gathering of family and friends along with the VFW providing a 21 gun salute. The VFW also provided a luncheon at the hall which was everything my husband would have wanted. I am sure he was pleased with the way everything turned out for him. It turned out the way he described he wanted to leave this world.

JoAnn29...I never knew you could bury the ashes with or in another's loved one's plot. that's good to know. thanks...

Good points above. I really do question if a lifelong friend who totally dropped off the face of the earth when their friend was diagnosed with dementia would have the nerve to show up for a funeral. I don't know what causes that to happen. Maybe they are too sad to see their friend in that condition, maybe they are afraid someone will ask them for money to help with expenses or maybe they harbor resentment for past slights. I don't know, but to me, they have already said their goodbye.

I too am a loner by choice...and while I mean no disrespect to the living or those who have passed, as I have gotten older, the only funerals I attend are the ones where those left behind are people whom I care for and have been with through their LO illness or passing, or the one who has passed was special to me...That may be wrong, but that's just the way I feel. I think those left behind know whether we care, or cared and whether we are coming out of guilt, for show, or because we cared. They need not wonder whether I care...if I didn't I would not be there...

I am still reading everyone's comments and have to say I am feeling somewhat comforted knowing that thoughts I have been having on this topic don't feel so inappropriate now. I love my Mama with all my heart...I have been totally alone through all of this...totally...People who have been able to help have not offered and even siblings of hers whom Mama was there for all their lives have been of zero help. I don't think I can stand having to stand there and have all these people who had over four years to visit and see my Mama when it mattered come by and make all the blathering speeches about how much she meant to them...obviously if she did they sure never showed it....Still I want to honor my Mama's memory..We had a huge funeral for Daddy with all the bells and whistles..and casseroles and food...The thought of going through all that when Mama leaves is almost enough to send me over the edge. I feel that my devotion to her now IS my honoring her....I will more than likely have a very small graveside service, as all her true friends have either passed or live too far away now to attend...The rest of it I cannot imagine....I will talk to my brother, but more than likely that is what I am going to do...I love him, I don't want to hurt him, but knowing his wife, she won't be there then ...she sure hasn't been here now...and yet, as Garden did mention, I know when Daddy passed, a lot of people told me things he had done for them during his life...and that was comforting..but I just wonder if they ever told HIM how much it meant to them...??? So much of this stuff called life is so hard to understand...and I think only we, as caregivers, the ones who are here to the end, are the only ones who truly "get" it....I do believe you need to do what you feel you can do and what is best for you...you have honored your LO with your presence already...

You don't have to buy a plot for a cremated person. They can be buried in a plot of a deceased relative/husband/ wife. So, the plot ur brother purchased can be used for someone else, too.

My mother died at 90 and she didn't want a funeral. The week she was in Hospice I went to the funeral home and arranged for her cremation. I paid for it the day she died. My brothers and I went out to dinner and that was it. All of her friends were gone. We put a nice obituary in the paper. Right now she is residing on my fireplace in a $5 urn I bought at a garage sale. She used to love garage sales and never was one to waste money. She would have gotten a kick out of that. My brother did buy her a plot in Michigan (she lived in Florida the last 30 years of her life) and he will eventually come and get her. He forgot to take her home when he was here when she died. But I kind of like having her around, so he can take his time! When they live that long, most of their friends and such are long gone or too old or ill to travel. So it was just her kids. That's how she wanted it and that's what we did! Best of luck!