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While caring for my mother, I cut back on my "celebrations" and will not be scaling them back up again. My decorating will consist of my mother's ceramic tree, nativity scene, Santa in his sleigh, a snowman, and some static cling stuff on the windows. My brother and I will make some fudge in various flavors and a few cookies for distribution to the family and a few friends. I will host Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for the neighbors with invites to people who don't have anyone to celebrate with: the older couple whose kids all live away and cannot travel well, the older man down the road that moved here from Alaska and his kids visited this summer, etc. My dinners are prepared 2-3 days before the meal (awesome broccoli casserole can be mixed and refrigerated, as can the homemade yeast rolls) so I only "cook" on the meal day. I only give gifts if you are still in school and I usually give something techie; this year is going to be amazon fire sticks. The kids will be through to eat leftovers at some point; with divorces, I do not expect to see them at my dinner nor do I try to schedule a meal they can attend. Some will show up at dinner time and the others will show up to consume their favorite leftover sometime later.
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Sendhelp Oct 2021
Yes, fudge is good!
I miss making that, so maybe I will gather some ingredients, like the marshmallow creme in a jar.
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7 years ago my marriage ended. The first holiday season was hard, but then I decided I was nor free of all the seasonal expectations.

I refuse to feel obligated that I have to spend my time with anyone at all. Let me tell you life is much better.

Beatty you have more options that rolling with it or rolling into a ball. Give some thought to what you would like and go about making it happen.

Me, I am content with a good book, a charcuterie plate and a nice bottle of wine. I order the book ahead of time. I love Anne Perry's Christmas novellas. I make sure the wine is the right temperature and I have a lovely day.

One of my sons is often with me Christmas morning, but he knows he can go see his Dad and step Mum later in the day and I will not create any drama nor fuss.

My parents are the last people I want to see over the holidays. I have 50 years of bitter, snide, remarks and negativity out the wazoo, no more, I want a day of calm and peace.
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Sendhelp Oct 2021
Yes, very nice!
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My dad died on November 21, 2018 -- the day before Thanksgiving. We sort of had Thanksgiving as my ex-SIL sent over some food from her dinner, but that was it. Christmas came close on its heels, and we did the whole family thing while feeling absolutely dreadful. Dad's birthday was Dec. 20, too, so we did all the "first [fill in the blank] without Dad" in a month's time.

My mom died in July this year, and frankly, I don't have any interest in holidays at all. My husband's family is huge, loud and talks politics and conspiracy theories all the time, so I sure don't want to be with them, and my kids are all making noises about not wanting to travel to where we are, which is totally fine. I'm not keen on traveling to where they are (Colorado) in the dead of winter either, so frankly, I'd like to take a raincheck on all the holidays this year and just sit around the house staring at the walls.

The best Thanksgiving I ever had was about five years ago when I got a bad cold and had to bow out. I sat at home, watched old movies all day, and ate what I wanted while everyone else went to the relatives' house. It was great.
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wearynow Oct 2021
Ur best TG is my kind of favorite day too!
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Christmas should be a joyful time for families to gather and enjoy each other, and celebrate the true meaning of it. But sadly it has become too commercialized and we seem to have lost what the true meaning really is. It's not about how many presents we can buy or how much money to spend, but instead is a time to reflect on the birth of our Lord and Savior, and to be with those we hold near and dear. And sometimes that isn't our God given family, but a family we have made with the wonderful people/friends that God has put in our path and that are more like family than the one we grew up with.
It doesn't matter who we spend the holidays with, it just matters that they are people that we want to spend time with.

And as for me, well I am a Christmas lover from way back when. I have one of my spare bedrooms decorated for Christmas that I leave up 365 days a year, and I just decorated the rest of my house on Saturday, Oct. 16th. There is just something about Christmas and all it entails, from the decorations, to the music, to the good food, that brings me such joy, and I don't know about you, but I can use all the joy I can get these days.
So please don't let Scrooge or the Grinch, and all the many worries of this life keep you from enjoying one of the most beautiful and magical times of the year.
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I really wouldn't mind hosting and everything that goes with that but everybody says my home is too far off the beaten track, and the endless back and forth bickering about everything from the place and time to the menu has killed the joy for me. I grew up in a family that was if anything too much in each others pockets, but somehow my family has become one of those that never see each other and barely have anything to say when we do.
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help2day Oct 2021
My grandmother was the "party planner" and always held the holiday dinners. We had large get togethers at the holidays at their house with Aunts, Uncles and cousins. When my grandparents died, no more gatherings. We just then celebrated with my parents. When they died, gatherings became almost mute as there were only a handful of people left and everyone drifted apart. Dragging down boxes of decorations from the attic and putting them all over the inside and outside of the house for a couple of weeks gets tiring pretty fast. I refused to put up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving. Then trying to put them all away in the bitter cold (outside lights & decorations) and stuffing it all back upstairs in the attic is really no fun anymore.
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I guess I'm in the minority, but I really enjoy the holidays. Especially this year - it will be the very first year in our married life that my husband and I will be completely retired, so we will have time to do all of the holiday prep. And my husband is ready, willing and able to help me with all of it - if I had to do it on my own, I would do way less and stress way more.

Back when I worked full time and my kids were little, that was stressful. I would always take a week's vacation in December to be able to get everything done, and each day would be jam-packed with stress: 1 day for shopping, 1 day for decorating, 1 day for baking, and so forth. And I baked dozens and dozens of cookies, which I would bring to work to give away, or send to work with DH.

We have cut way back on our gifting - we haven't exchanged with my family in years, and several years ago stopped with DH's family, so it's just shopping for the 4 of us (plus the dog!!); we also get stuff for our 3 year old great-nephew, which I think is tremendously fun. I also cut way back on cookie baking.

Cooking large meals for people never bothered me. I love, love, love to cook - I find it very stress reducing - so I usually have some extended family at my house over the holidays. But I have a big kitchen with a double oven, plus an entire full kitchen in the apartment upstairs where my mom had lived, so oven space is never an issue.

What I hate doing is holiday cards. Last year, I did ours, and I also sent cards out to anyone who sent one to my mom, to let the sender know that mom had passed. I remembered my mom often commented when she stopped getting cards from friends after years of getting them wondering if something had happened, so I sent a brief note with one of the prayer cards from her funeral.

The one thing I am really looking forward to the most is going to the Christmas Eve service. I missed the last few, between not being able to leave my mom alone and Covid. It's going to be wonderful to get back.

I can see where the stress can be absolutely overwhelming, and then it makes the holidays a time of dread rather than celebration. Do what you think you can handle, and leave the rest; ignore the people that tell you what you "should" be doing for the holidays. Establish or re-establish your own set of traditions, ones that work for you and give you a sense of peace. No judgement from me!

(((hugs)))
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Beatty Oct 2021
Yes it can be sad reminder of people missing from the table, but also time to celebrate the people we still do have near. (((Hugs back)))
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At least you people down under don't have to cope with the possibility of driving through a blizzard in order to make it to Christmas dinner Beatty, I've lobbied for years for a family gathering in the summer instead of at Christmas without any success.
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Beatty Oct 2021
True. So dangerous!

Athough I remember my Grandmother's in their pre air con houses cooking for the multitudes when it was nearing 100f.. Was 'shameful' to serve store bought - a good housewife had to home cook it all.

I'm sure that notion was international.
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Usually by Nov 1st I am totally through shopping, have wrapped and mailed all gifts. Then I spend Dec doing service projects or whatever--but the last couple of years have sucked the joy out of the holidays completely.

Don't get me wrong, my family is GREAT. It's just that I took on too much and they allowed me to do it all for so many years. Last year was covid and a weird mix of 'yes we can hang out' and 'no we can't'. The year before I was battling cancer and yet still managed to do ALL THE THINGS. It was a good way to NOT think of how lousy I felt.

We are moving in the Spring (I hope, mixed feelings, but DH is retiring and I want a one level ranch house and no stairs!!) It will be the 'last' Thanksgiving and Christmas in what was our family home. 3/5 of our kids will be here and I am cutting waaaaay down on gifting, may not even put up a tree--don't know.

I remember when my Grandma stopped putting up her aluminum tree---I thought Christmas would end that year--but she was wise and never did more than she could do.

Family events got too big, messy and expensive and lost the magic. They also tend to collapse on themselves with the sheer weight of the # of people.

I will plan Thanksgiving with a LOT of help. Also Christmas brunch. I've already told my kids that the grands will get ONE gift and their usual stocking. They were all just fine with that. All our kids are better off financially than we are, so giving them something is just silly.

We don't do anything with DH's family. Again-too many people and also my MIL won't go anywhere I might be, so I simply don't go and then DH feels bad for leaving me home.

I KNOW that we do too much, in spite of trying to cut back. I'm already massively depressed and anxious and just am not the least excited for anything.

Didn't think I'd be such a Grinch at the tender age of 65---but come to think of it, mother hadn't hosted Thanksgiving since my OS got married. (almost 50 years).

And you know what? The world keeps on spinning! I don't HAVE to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas nights crying from sheer fatigue and depression.

I need to add that my DH's sister is a Christmas FREAK! She puts up 3 trees, buys massive amounts of gifts for her kids & grands and throws huge dinner parties, and she LOVES every second of it. Dh asks why I can't be like that. I told him one reason is that HER hubby is right there next to her, decorating and partying. DH sleeps until the guests arrive and then goes back to bed the second they are gone. Some years he'll remember to get me a gift, most years he doesn't. It HURTS and he doesn't get it.

Jan 1 can't come too fast for me.
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Beatty Oct 2021
Jan 1 - let's toast to that. And the single floor ranch house!
🤗
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December??? I am still trying to figure out November! Can we have a safe Thanksgiving gathering with the maximum number of people attending? Will my mother consent to come since she doesn’t like to be driven by a large percentage of available family? Will there be a blizzard? Will traffic and roads be okay or impossible? No one expects my cooking to be like a Norman Rockwell painting, so if I produce a good turkey or two, they will volunteer to bring the rest.

Whew! Then we embark on the Christmas who-will-go-where, if anywhere, negotiations :-)
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Every year I have cut back on Christmas.

First thing was Christmas Cards. Stopped when Mom lived with me. Was going to send cards this year to tell everyone "I am still alive" but the cost of stamps went up so debating.

Used to do tons of cookies to give as gifts. Have cut down to you get your favorite thing and that is all I do.

Dinner, my daughter does that and I bring the sides.

Gifts, my grandson and adopted granddaughter who are 7 and 8 get gifts. We chose 5 years back to adopt a family and what we would spend on each other, we spend on them. The boy aged out so we will not be doing it this year. Maybe mail them some gift cards. I used to exchange with a SIL but last year we agreed to stop.

So this Christmas will be quiet and un-stressful. If what you do during the holidays brings on nothing but stress and becomes overwhelming, then stop doing it.
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Beatty Oct 2021
Yes I get the 'cutting back'.

I too have pruned away each year - cards 'out' same (postage 😩) other people's traditions 'out', boring or time consuming things 'out'. Cooking? Oh definately 'out'.

Tree decorations are still 'in'... Just.

Told my kids don't be surprised if one year they find just a stripped bare needle-free pine branch leaning in the corner... & a store xmas cake for dinner.
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Rolling and coping. Big, BIG family on my husbands side. Pretty wonderful folks, never demanding. Our 5 children have produced 12 grandchildren and 2 greatgrands. Pretty wonderful downline overall, even the teenagers. Rarely demanding.
My husband and I have had Christmas at our house for the last 23 years. There's quite a few dings & dents & chips. Honestly, there's more than a few.
This year will be the same.
But one day.........just the 2 of us on a secluded beach....naked.
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Beatty Oct 2021
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just sending hugs to us all.

courage.
wishing us an un-stressful oct/nov/december.

:)
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Coping or crumbling? Probably crumbling. My first thought when I think of Christmas is that I could never, ever make my mother happy at Christmas. She was always so angry/upset and we never knew why so I assumed it must be my fault. Any way I slice it, there is family dysfunction. Abuse/mistreatment that dates back to childhood, eldercare decisions that others didn't like but I was the only one to jump in and make the choices, perceived privilege for some in the family where others are just so certain they have been shortchanged by the world and they aren't shy about discussing it. Stressors on top of stressors to the point where I am losing my mind and questioning my faith in general. Christmas 2020, most people were sad at not getting together where I viewed it as a welcome break from the December chaos of other years. Nope, not looking forward to it this year. I really feel like I just can't do it.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Boy can I relate to this, "She was always so angry/upset and we never knew why so I assumed it must be my fault." The dilemma of every child of an abusive/dysfunctional mother and why we wind up trying to please them forever, jumping thru hoops, assuming huge amounts of obligation and guilt......its how we were TRAINED since childhood! Mom gets mad, gives the silent treatment or rages, it's our fault, we try to fix it, make mommy happy. How the vicious cycle begins and perpetuates for decades. Once we recognize the pattern, that's when we can begin to break it
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I DO NOT wish to even think about it yet. At the first mention, DH banned the topic from his presence. Am I alone in this?

Used to love the celebrations, festive feel, carols in shops.

My xmas spirit has drained away & left a hole.
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bundleofjoy Oct 2021
hug beatty!!!

i really hope you get the xmas spirit back!! xmas is wonderful, fun!!

i hope you find good ways to have a wonderful xmas again!!! :) :) :)

hot cocoa, xmas movies, nice & warm at home, some nice games. hug!!
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