Death bed confession (sort of) has me in new dilemma.

Does it really matter whether you were adopted or not? They took care of you all your life, didn't they? Be thankful you had parents, biological or adoptive.

It seems that, from your parents viewpoint - you were their children that they loved. How you became theirs was irrelevant in their eyes - they must have wanted and loved you very much.
I guess they felt that once they had gone you might chose to look and maybe find your birth parent(s) or maybe they even forgot about the papers.
I’m not surprised you are feeling numb - you are my age - and to only just find out - with no chance of asking your known parents any questions is hard to come to terms with.
To have loved, cared for and lost your parents only to discover they weren’t your birth ones is a lot in such a short time.
All I can say is be kind to yourself at this time - caring is stressful as is losing someone - plus you’ve yet to stop being numb and feel hurt/ angry to a point - whatever their reasons- it would have left me wondering if I ever truly knew them.
If and when you feel ready to, speaking to professional counsellors may help you. Have you informed your brother?
My heart goes out to you - you’ve been through so much and didn’t need this life changing shock whilst sorting out your mums room.

God blessed you with many gift that has gotten you this far... my heart goes out to you and your family.

Understandable you feel numb and perhaps in a state of shock.
As others have said, give yourself time to digest this new information. I'd recommend you try short-term therapy - to try it out to sort out your feelings. It could open the door to inner and outer explorations. It is quite a lot to carry solely on your shoulders. Glad you reached out to us here.

I know someone else who had the same experience. He found out that he was adopted after going through his mother's belongings after she died. He was stunned and came to terms with it, but he had to process it- let yourself feel what you feel about it for a while. You sound like a pretty reasonable person, so I expect you will sort it out soon enough. That has to be quite a shock!

Think you explained your thought clearly. They were your parents, and you and your brother were their children. You are numb with that news. So, now what? Do you have any desire to know anymore? Just put it away somewhere and know how much they loved you and your brother. In time, who knows, you may want to check it out, but not now.

Mike,

We told our daughter from very young that we adopted her. I had a biological child seven years later. So, I am in the unique position of adoptive mom and birth mom. My love is absolutely identical for each.

I would have loved an open adoption for all of us. It was illegal then. The agency we used did allow personal letters. I received a beautiful letter from my daughter’s birth mom. I wrote her a letter also.

She wrote a letter to our child too. I cried because it meant so much to me. Ironically, we had a lot in common and I suppose that is why she chose our profile. It was non identifiable because adoptions were closed then but she was allowed to select a couple from profiles.

Amazingly, our daughter looks like us. That didn’t really matter to us though. We didn’t care about the sex either. We just wanted a child to add to our family. A family starts off with a husband and wife.

The letter she wrote explained that she wasn’t ready to be a mom, wanted two parents, mom and dad, wanted to finish school, etc. She explained that she wanted her to have a life that she deserved and she was unable to provide that for her.

I sent photos of my daughter all through her life to the agency to forward to her.

At the agency we went through there is a registry when the child reaches 18 they can sign up to meet each other. Both parties have to sign, child and birth parent or a match isn’t made. My daughter did sign up at 18. Her birth mom did not. Her birth dad did not.

Naturally, I was disappointed for my daughter. She had questions as all children do. She also just wanted to look into her eyes, see if they looked alike, etc.

My sweet daughter told us that she knew we were her parents who raised her and would always think of us as mom and dad. I told her that we did not feel betrayed or threatened at all and we completely understood her wanting to meet her biological family.

My daughter has health issues and it would be great to have additional health information. The agency gave us limited information and it would be wonderful if she had more details.

My daughter has accepted that her birth mom has chosen not to meet at this point. My daughter is disappointed but respects her privacy. Some birth moms move on and do not tell others that they had a child.

My daughter is now 30 years old. Her birth mom was 19 when she placed her for adoption. Her birth father was also a teenager, they were students at a university.

Maybe one day she will choose to meet her child that she selflessly placed to be loved by us. It is a gift that could never be repaid for which we are eternally grateful. I hope she went on to live a wonderful life.

I served on the board of our local auxiliary with the agency. I did outreach work at high schools. It was truly rewarding to be able to inform others about building families through adoption. If my life didn’t take the turn that it did with having to care for mom I would have continued to volunteer. It is a well respected agency.

The agency we used is over 100 years old and the founder is remarkable. She went to court in Washington D.C. to have the term ‘illegitimate’ removed from a child’s birth certificate. She argued that babies are innocent and should not be stigmatized with a label.

Parents who adopt look at children as ‘their children’, period! The feeling is no different than a child that is biological. As I said, I have both (one I adopted and one I gave birth to) so I can speak first hand to this issue. Both of my girls are miracles! I am a miracle.

I always wanted to adopt so going through hell of infertility beforehand was all worth it. Adopting our child was the icing on the cake!

Years later we get pregnant out of the blue!

I almost died during complications from infertility treatments, emergency surgeries and pregnancy. I was high risk and barely lived. Just about lost the baby too. I don’t ever take our family for granted.

Just want to let you know that the first thing that struck me
was that you’re mom was never ever mad enough to let you
know you were adopted because you might feel less, and you were like flesh and blood to her, and she loved you that much.
She also left you those papers out of respect for you. I have an adopted daughter, and a grandson that I have helped raise, who I love more than anything, whom are exactly the same to me. My unrelated but sad news, is that she is now divorced, and my ex son in law and new wife basically don’t see my husband and I as that important, like kids think. We’ll all power through though. God Bless

Good advice, JoAnn.

Congrats on findiing Mom. Keep an opened mind and low expectations. This is going to be an emotional time for both of you. Don't promise anything and take things slow.

Mike,

Best of luck to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world with meeting your birth family. You deserved to know the truth growing up. For some reason that didn’t happen. Things were done differently a long time ago. I am glad that you were loved by the parents who raised you. That is what is most important.

I have been wondering about you and what ever happened. That is wonderful news. I hope all goes well for you. Maybe this will be a whole new and wonderful path for you!

Thank you for the update Mike. I hope your visit is all you wish it to be.

I have two friends who were forced to give up their children for adoption and have had incredible reunions with their children.

I wasn't following, but I am now. Hope all comes out well, I am very interested in hearing about the reunion.

Hi Mike. I am 62 years old, adopted at 3 months old as an only child and knew since 5 years old. Struggled since 5 years old, I should say. I found my birth family in 2000 after hiring a private investigator to steal my birth records........adoptions in New York are closed tighter than a drum and opened for NO reason. I have 6 half siblings and my birth mother died 7 years before I found her. Birth father's identity she took with her to the grave. I almost had a nervous breakdown after finding my Birth family and reuniting with them in N.Y.. Things don't always turn out like they do on tv in an episode of Long Lost Family. Once you open a Pandoras Box, it cannot be closed again. I say this to try to prepare you for the emotional shock, good or bad, that comes with such a discovery. In many ways it's good, because for me, I "became real" when I finally found a biological connection to someone else. I even wrote an essay on it called "Becoming Real." In other ways, it's a gut wrenching experience that's impossible to describe. I was forever changed as a result.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Do check back and let us know how everything turns out.

You found your birth mother.🌼 Now the meeting could be favorable or not so pleasant Please understand that giving up a child is incredibly painful and often isn't the birth mother's choice, that generation tended to base decisions on very different reasons.Placing you for adoption could have been age-based....no matter the reason separating yourself from your new-born child is anti-instinctual, awful heart-stopping, experience.

Example: I have a friend 🐣whose birth-mother 🐥psychologically collapsed into death, 17 years after she🐥 was coerced to give-up her child🐣. . I watched the process, and know that the birth mother 🐥didn't want to give up her kiddo, yet her parents, coerced her to do so. The result was a 🐣kiddo who blamed himself for the biological mother's demise/death. The kiddo had no idea that he was forcefully placed up for adoption, kiddo knows now, and has a better understanding of what happened.

Conversely the circumstances between your birth mother and your bio-father 🐎could have been something unpleasant, and within a few seconds... your meeting could go south incredibly fast.

Or...perhaps your adoption involved a stork delivering you in a basket to your mother's doorstep.

Although it's impossible to know every element that was involved in the adoption process. Be open to remembering that nothing was or is your fault.


Your mother knew someone would tell you...so she placed the documents in an area to be found. Those documents ensured that you could have the option to contact the agency, to learn what was in that agency's records. Who knows why nobody told you, but your mom knew you might eventually learn about stuff, after she died. The reason for withholding that information could range from simple pride to....much more...

Hopefully your birth mother 🐥will be open to doing whatever you both decide is best, about keeping in contact...or not... the next step could move forward or stop; in either case you've been allowed to meet the person who carried you for 9.5 months.🐥. It'll be weird, you might experience an automatic umbilical cord based connection.
I hope the meeting is everything that both of you need or want it to be.🌸🌸

I hope the meeting is everything you could hope for.
Sometimes we have to float up pretty high to catch a glimpse of what has transpired in our lifetimes and the lives of our loved ones.
Thank you for taking us on your journey.

Mike; I am so happy for you! I hope that this meeting is a good beginning for you both.

Good news indeed. May this be a wonderful reunion for all of you.

Ohmygoodness Mike I am on tenterhooks for you!

Will you have anybody with you for support when you meet your mother? Not to do anything, just to stand by in case you need your hand held; but anyway I hope this will be wonderful for both of you.

Just in case anyone is still following this thread, I wanted to say that I was able to find my birth Mother. We are going to meet for the first time in a few weeks. It also turns out I have 3 half siblings and 2 half nephews. I'll probably learn of more relatives at my reunion. Thank you all for all the kind words and advice.

Since your family is aware of the adoption, try and piece together all the details while you still can. I unearthed a family secret and was lucky enough to get the details from my 90 year old aunt. She not only had the info, she had photos!

Mike, I recently met a woman that had adopted 2 girls, whom are grown women now. She told me 20 times in the course of a 15 minute conversation that they were not her biological children, they were adopted, they weren't real sisters, they weren't her real children and rinse and repeat. I thought of your situation and I realized that you were one of the lucky ones, your parents cherished being your mom and dad, they loved you and raised you guys as their own children. This woman has not let these "daughters" forget for one minute that she is not/was not their real mom. She reminded them constantly of the favor she had done them. I was actually physically ill after hearing her, my heart was broken for these women that had to grow up being reminded how grateful they should be to this beast of a female.

So, you are blessed that you were raised believing that you were theirs, all the good, all the bad and everything in between they accepted and owned as their very own sons.

I know finding out the way you did was a shock and the revelation that you two were the only ones that didn't know is difficult, but not as difficult as what could have been. I just felt really led to share this with you.

I pray you are doing well and finding your new normal after everything.

Hi Mike,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new to the forum and I hope that you don't mind me putting in my two cents worth. Both of my parents are deceased but my father in law and mother and law are still alive. They're divorced so we spend our time going to separate parts of the country to care for them when we're needed.

I think that when a parent passes we go into almost shock. There's a numbness and the temptation is to put steady ground under your feet by taking the next step. In your case, it's been shock on top of shock. May I suggest that you sit with this information for a while and give yourself time to process all the stages of grief before making any huge decisions?

You could take a DNA test to find your biological parents but what if they don't want contact? What if they're deceased? We're the same age so I know that's a double edged sword. Waiting or not waiting is a tricky proposition. That doesn't even touch the problem with the fact that some family members knew but didn't know why you weren't told.

Letting it out is good. That's how you start healing. Please remember to be kind to yourself while you're going through this process. You sound like such a good and kind person and it's stressful taking care of elderly parents. I remember all the adrenaline of worrying all the time then suddenly when it stopped, I didn't know what to do. My answer was simply to be. My deepest condolences.

Bloody hell, Mike.

I just don't know where that leaves you.

It wouldn't be fair to blame the cousin or take her specifically to task, just because she's the last one within reach, of course. But if it'd been me I think her reply would have put me into full Sarcasm Overdrive. Any other little snippets they didn't think it was their place to mention..?

Most of the family? MOST? How many people exactly were in on this and keeping shtum?

But, of course, what you do need is information. Have you been able to find out anything at all about the adoption process?

Just a quick update. I asked one of the last living relatives in the family, a cousin if the family new about me and my brother. After a hesitation she said yes most of the family knew. She said it was not talked about in front of us since it was not their place to say anything. She did not have any information on why we were not told. She only said most of the family did not like the fact that we were never told.

Your mother kept those papers for all these years because she wanted them to be preserved. Now they are your papers. Your choices: Keep them in your sock drawer, share them and search out your DNA family, or unroll all the documents and put them through a paper shredder.

May I ask what your brother had to say?

My sister put a baby up for adoption years ago and there have been times I've been out and about and saw a man who was the spitting image of my younger brother. I wonder....................You never know.

So sorry for your loss. Although it is sad your parents didn't choose to tell you about the adoption, they must've felt that it was for the best. I don't know how I would feel about the situation, but if they were good parents, I think you should just accept that they loved you.