Death bed confession (sort of) has me in new dilemma.

Thank you for the update Mike. I hope your visit is all you wish it to be.

I have two friends who were forced to give up their children for adoption and have had incredible reunions with their children.

I have been wondering about you and what ever happened. That is wonderful news. I hope all goes well for you. Maybe this will be a whole new and wonderful path for you!

Mike,

Best of luck to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world with meeting your birth family. You deserved to know the truth growing up. For some reason that didn’t happen. Things were done differently a long time ago. I am glad that you were loved by the parents who raised you. That is what is most important.

Congrats on findiing Mom. Keep an opened mind and low expectations. This is going to be an emotional time for both of you. Don't promise anything and take things slow.

Good advice, JoAnn.

Just want to let you know that the first thing that struck me
was that you’re mom was never ever mad enough to let you
know you were adopted because you might feel less, and you were like flesh and blood to her, and she loved you that much.
She also left you those papers out of respect for you. I have an adopted daughter, and a grandson that I have helped raise, who I love more than anything, whom are exactly the same to me. My unrelated but sad news, is that she is now divorced, and my ex son in law and new wife basically don’t see my husband and I as that important, like kids think. We’ll all power through though. God Bless

Mike,

We told our daughter from very young that we adopted her. I had a biological child seven years later. So, I am in the unique position of adoptive mom and birth mom. My love is absolutely identical for each.

I would have loved an open adoption for all of us. It was illegal then. The agency we used did allow personal letters. I received a beautiful letter from my daughter’s birth mom. I wrote her a letter also.

She wrote a letter to our child too. I cried because it meant so much to me. Ironically, we had a lot in common and I suppose that is why she chose our profile. It was non identifiable because adoptions were closed then but she was allowed to select a couple from profiles.

Amazingly, our daughter looks like us. That didn’t really matter to us though. We didn’t care about the sex either. We just wanted a child to add to our family. A family starts off with a husband and wife.

The letter she wrote explained that she wasn’t ready to be a mom, wanted two parents, mom and dad, wanted to finish school, etc. She explained that she wanted her to have a life that she deserved and she was unable to provide that for her.

I sent photos of my daughter all through her life to the agency to forward to her.

At the agency we went through there is a registry when the child reaches 18 they can sign up to meet each other. Both parties have to sign, child and birth parent or a match isn’t made. My daughter did sign up at 18. Her birth mom did not. Her birth dad did not.

Naturally, I was disappointed for my daughter. She had questions as all children do. She also just wanted to look into her eyes, see if they looked alike, etc.

My sweet daughter told us that she knew we were her parents who raised her and would always think of us as mom and dad. I told her that we did not feel betrayed or threatened at all and we completely understood her wanting to meet her biological family.

My daughter has health issues and it would be great to have additional health information. The agency gave us limited information and it would be wonderful if she had more details.

My daughter has accepted that her birth mom has chosen not to meet at this point. My daughter is disappointed but respects her privacy. Some birth moms move on and do not tell others that they had a child.

My daughter is now 30 years old. Her birth mom was 19 when she placed her for adoption. Her birth father was also a teenager, they were students at a university.

Maybe one day she will choose to meet her child that she selflessly placed to be loved by us. It is a gift that could never be repaid for which we are eternally grateful. I hope she went on to live a wonderful life.

I served on the board of our local auxiliary with the agency. I did outreach work at high schools. It was truly rewarding to be able to inform others about building families through adoption. If my life didn’t take the turn that it did with having to care for mom I would have continued to volunteer. It is a well respected agency.

The agency we used is over 100 years old and the founder is remarkable. She went to court in Washington D.C. to have the term ‘illegitimate’ removed from a child’s birth certificate. She argued that babies are innocent and should not be stigmatized with a label.

Parents who adopt look at children as ‘their children’, period! The feeling is no different than a child that is biological. As I said, I have both (one I adopted and one I gave birth to) so I can speak first hand to this issue. Both of my girls are miracles! I am a miracle.

I always wanted to adopt so going through hell of infertility beforehand was all worth it. Adopting our child was the icing on the cake!

Years later we get pregnant out of the blue!

I almost died during complications from infertility treatments, emergency surgeries and pregnancy. I was high risk and barely lived. Just about lost the baby too. I don’t ever take our family for granted.

Think you explained your thought clearly. They were your parents, and you and your brother were their children. You are numb with that news. So, now what? Do you have any desire to know anymore? Just put it away somewhere and know how much they loved you and your brother. In time, who knows, you may want to check it out, but not now.

I know someone else who had the same experience. He found out that he was adopted after going through his mother's belongings after she died. He was stunned and came to terms with it, but he had to process it- let yourself feel what you feel about it for a while. You sound like a pretty reasonable person, so I expect you will sort it out soon enough. That has to be quite a shock!

Understandable you feel numb and perhaps in a state of shock.
As others have said, give yourself time to digest this new information. I'd recommend you try short-term therapy - to try it out to sort out your feelings. It could open the door to inner and outer explorations. It is quite a lot to carry solely on your shoulders. Glad you reached out to us here.

God blessed you with many gift that has gotten you this far... my heart goes out to you and your family.

It seems that, from your parents viewpoint - you were their children that they loved. How you became theirs was irrelevant in their eyes - they must have wanted and loved you very much.
I guess they felt that once they had gone you might chose to look and maybe find your birth parent(s) or maybe they even forgot about the papers.
I’m not surprised you are feeling numb - you are my age - and to only just find out - with no chance of asking your known parents any questions is hard to come to terms with.
To have loved, cared for and lost your parents only to discover they weren’t your birth ones is a lot in such a short time.
All I can say is be kind to yourself at this time - caring is stressful as is losing someone - plus you’ve yet to stop being numb and feel hurt/ angry to a point - whatever their reasons- it would have left me wondering if I ever truly knew them.
If and when you feel ready to, speaking to professional counsellors may help you. Have you informed your brother?
My heart goes out to you - you’ve been through so much and didn’t need this life changing shock whilst sorting out your mums room.

Does it really matter whether you were adopted or not? They took care of you all your life, didn't they? Be thankful you had parents, biological or adoptive.