notrydoyoda Asked July 2017
How are people dealing with the issue of forgiveness? What helps you? What hinders you?
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Some caregivers are taking care of relatives who have or are being abusive to them. Some caregivers are dealing with abuse from siblings and other relatives while being a caregiver. The theme of forgiveness is something that many are dealing with for a variety of reasons. Thus, I think we should discuss it so that we can support and help each other for this is often a complex and painfully difficult reality to come to terms with.
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I am sorry to hear of your father's death and that your siblings did not help more. Your emotions sound like a mixture of anger and grief. Anger is part of the grief process, but you are also angry with your siblings which is understandable. Another part of the grief process is the "what ifs" in which we blame ourselves by asking "what if" I had done ____, would they have lived longer or saying "if only" I had done ___ they would have lived longer. Truth is that they may or may not have. I'm not sure it is so much about forgiving yourself as much as it is accepting that you did what you could but none of us can control the results in the end. I would suggest getting your emotions written out and find someone you can talk with face to face about this like a pastor, a grief support group or a therapist so that you can know that you are not alone in all of this. You sound like a very loving daughter. Please take care of yourself and be nice to yourself.
Thank you for your kind reply. I appreciate your compassion and understanding. I think that is the hardest part for me getting my emotions out. Thank you for your kind suggestions. I know I need to do more grief work. I sometimes wonder if and when I will accept my new reality. And if I will be able to forgive myself for not doing enough to save my dad.
Now, cmag, I know you're dealing with forgiveness issues. I have a lot of time to listen, so let us know what you're going through.
Thanks!
This experience is like none other - being so close to death, doing our best to save the life of a loved one for as long as possible and all the emotions that it involves, both before and after. And all the family dynamics that go on- very difficult sometimes.
I don't know why some who could help, just won't. Don't know the reasons in your case, but even if they are forgivable, things might be different from here on. In my case one of those was also abusive, selfish and greedy throughout the whole ordeal - only interested in money and things and treated me and our Dad terribly. Even before he died, I decided that for my own mental health no contact is the best thing. Never thought I could do that but it has to be.
Getting over the anger is difficult. Sometimes there are very old feelings related to that. Again, maybe writing, maybe some counseling - someone neutral that you trust and can just talk to. I find this forum very helpful too. Many here share your feelings and are behind you. I wish you the best.
Some family members look to other family members to be their 1 800 mental health when they need but don't want to go see a mental health professional themselves who can be an objective third party and supportive without other issues of or with family members.
Now, flash fwd 50 years. All the nightmares and trauma are still there. This abuse has been in my mind for 50+ years. Brother died 4 years ago and the "trauma" became fresh and horrible. I am in serious therapy and on meds to deal with flashbacks and overwhelming fear. Getting better, but at some point, I HAVE to forgive this person. I don't know how I can, or will.
Also, he abused others...part of my guilt is thinking "IF I had acted differently, would they have been safe?" So I am working on forgiving him, myself, my mother, who knew something was "up" but never asked nor cared. She now knows and thinks I am being overly dramatic. I have to forgive her too.
I know I'm not the only person who is working through great pain to get "well". Some things, you can shake off and say "I can forgive this person for this and such" and it truly isn't hard. What I am facing now....well, I honestly don't know if I will be able to forgive.
My heart is not hard, it is broken.
I hear your broken heart and no you are not alone. I wish that the path was easier, but it is not. I'm glad that you are working with a therapist and hope the meds help. This is not, like you say, something that you can easily sake off.
Here's a book that might be helpful. The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan B. Allender, Larry Crabb It also has a separate workbook to help you apply it.
The main points of forgiveness for me is that 1. It does not erase the memory or resolve their guilt. 2. It does not require them asking for my forgiveness. 3. Forgiving them helps me primarily, not them. 4. What I did with my anger that I wrote a letter about and burned up was symbolically and verbally put the person in God's hands to deal with by burning the letter and throwing the ashes to the wind. 5. Forgiveness is an act of the will not of the emotions. 6. To hold old to unforgiveness is like drinking poison which only hurts you and empowers them to keep hurting you, but does nothing to them.
Given the depth of your pain, I would not try to forgive all three at one time, unless you can. I would pick one of them and see if you can make some small steps toward forgiving that one person before you move to the next. The main thing is to keep moving in the right direction.
I hope this helps you in your journey. My prayers go with you.