....how do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings ... adult children of an aging parent who direspecrpt the one who is taking full care of the parent including acting as if your full-time care for their parent in common means nothing, that it costs nothing and that it does nothing to the lives of the caregiver...… They refuse to take the parent so you can have some time to yourself they do not pitch in any money ... I personally would love to have my siblings arrested. Would actually love to see that. I have three adult brothers and sisters who ignore all letters for help they ignore all text messages for help they have actually said "you chose to take care of her it's your deal" They've even reduced to calling of names (yes, i know to cover guilt)… But I believe caregivers no matter how we came into the situation (such as mine my mother needed care shelter and a roof over her head after a "wrongful eviction" from an assisted-living facility .. no other adult child of hers was willing to take her in while the entire situation gets under control )... anyway in my mind filial care is something that is not respected by families nor law ... don't get me wrong I don't feel like doing this even another day but when there are more than one child involved the responsibility most definitely needs to be spread evenly. ...but when they refuse and turn their backs, it's a tough one to face let alone comprehend.
Please post how you are getting done without the help of siblings (I'm not promoting not allowing siblings to help. Just responding to how tough it is to get them to help and what to do when they don't help)! Tell us how people and community resources came and helped when you least thought they would be the ones to help. Also tell us how you got an un-involved sibling to get involved in helping (money, dog treats, whatever worked, LOL as I have no shame!). I can't wait for the awesome stories!!!!
I’d like to change the topic to: Dealing with un-involved siblings.
Let's try and get a larger picture of who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. Here are a few facts:
-Family member elder care is most often done by the female children. (The girls take their parents in much quicker than the boys)
-Elder care is HARD! (Physically, emotionally, financially. )
-EVERYONE will need Elder Care. (Your parents need it and at some point so will you)
-Most people DON’T plan for it. (Which makes it harder)
-Our society in the US has not embraced FAMILY ELDER CARE GIVING. (Specifically PREPARING to take your parents into your home and care for them. We are a SELF care society. We fall very short of PREPARING to care for our parents and planning for our own elderly care within our own homes. How much time have you spent talking to your children about when you will need elder care help and how you guys want to help them help you?)
Here are some things to do and think about when YOU are caring for your parent(s):
1. For whatever reason YOU’VE been called to do it and it will get done.
a. If no one else ever lifts a finger to help you, you’ve been called to get it done and it will get done.
b. Seek personal counseling for yourself. The anger of un-involved siblings can add more stress. It can take a few years off your life too. It’s not worth it. Life is not fair. You will hit brick walls! Seek community help groups. Ask and seek. Connect with those that WILL help you. Spend your energy getting the care done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
2. I myself, like the previous commenters don’t understand why the siblings don’t get that it’s hard or that I just need some relief. Why don’t they call and say “I have some vacation time. I’ll stay with mom/dad or you can bring her/him here for a few days.” ?
a. If you’ve asked for their help and they won’t…
b. If you’ve begged for their help and they won’t….They are not going to HELP.
c. You may never know why they won’t or can’t help.
d. Find another way to get it done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
3. Call on Jesus the ultimate helper! He will help YOU get it done!
a. JESUS WILL BE HAPPY YOU DID IT!
4. Be honest if you can’t do it anymore. Assisted livings and those kinds of facilities have their proper purpose/place in life at the proper time.
5. Life is hard, but God is Good! I hope I helped someone!
Your mother must be very hurt by the lack of love that is shown by her other children.
I empathize with you and I can understand your anger and frustration.
As far as I know, unless there is a contract that identifies the other siblings as caretakers of your mom, you would not be able to sue your siblings.
In my case, I am doing the best I can, (as my sibling is not interested in helping our mom). I hire out services when I can. Thank goodness mom has helpful neighbors.
"Kindness of strangers" comes to mind, as in my circle of experiences is that family doesn't.
I could not agree more wholeheartedly. When my mother passes and my brothers realize that they have not seen her in her last couple of years, and have not had a real phone conversation with her in years, they will mourn publicly and make a big show of missing her but they will have to deal with knowing what they didn't do for her on their own.
I also know, and have said for years, once my mother passes, I will never give another thought to two of my brothers ever again. The only times their names are ever spoken in my house now is when my mother brings them up.
One of my brothers is very religious. His family does things like visit old folks in nursing homes, and even having the kids do dances. I've always seen such irony in this -- dancing for the old folks somewhere else while their own parents die alone at home. Things like this can make me see that Christian ideals for even the most devout can be all for show, but not felt deeply inside.
And i agree with you on the other aspect, I could imagine if they stepped up and started doing even the very minimal care or minimal kindness, Im sure I would never hear the end of it either "Oh yeah!!! well I did this!! or I did that!!" they'd put up billboards all over their community and start posting pictures of them and their "frail mother to prove they are "caring of their own d@mn mom... i can hear it (and see it) now.... Its so stupid... all of it
My husband's siblings only call to stir up trouble, usually about 3 X per year. We are currently in one of those cycles, where they call with big tales to tell, putting one deadbeat sibling against the other, or circling to get money out of the Old Man.
They re of the misunderstanding that he recieves large pensions monthly, Ha! He does have 2 pensions, one is about 200, and on is only 140, then his only other monies is his SS, so about 2000/per month. His other monies we have locked up in CD's, not that there is a lot, but it is for his own needs down the line, whenbwe can no longer care for him, which is becoming more apparent every day, and 13 years is definitely taking it's toll.
In the most recent round of phone calls, hubby did finally speak up, asking brother what he could contribute (knowing of course there would be nothing), and he did say he might be able to give a couple of hundred now and then, Ha, that was only offered, so that my husband would continue to entertain this round of phone calls, all pertaining to things that happened 20/30+ years ago, which we have no time nor interest to even care about!
Our only interest, is in what they might do, in way of helping their Father and us, but fully understand that nothing will come of it.
These phone calls are really theirbway of circling the wagons, and hearing updates on tbeir Dad's physical condition, wondering when he is going to croak, and if there will be any monies coming their way. It's ongoing and disgusting, but thar is the way they think! They have been led to believe that their parents had All Sorts of money and investments, by a Narcissistic parent, boasting to be relevent and the Big Man, none of it is true! Assisted living would eat through what money he has left in less than 2 years, and he's nearly 87, and in pretty good health!
We, like you, have no idea what to do with this situation, but we are stuck, trying to figure it out, as the years of our lives are taken away from us, being the only ones who stepped up to deal, after their Mom passed away.
It's best if you try to forget, as they are never going to help. That's what we've done, and No its not fair. It SUCKS! MERRY FRIGGING CHRISTMAS!