How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Yes, I am trying to get her hooked up with Bosma which is a company that works with visual impaired to help with the issues that have come up from that, larger number telephones, coming into the home and setting things up to make it easier for her. That should give her less to gripe about but I know she will just move on to something else. She jumped me yesterday because my husband and I have a 2 week vacation planned during the time her great niece is getting married and she will not have any way to the wedding. I told her to ask my brother to take her....she thinks he walks on water and he does nothing but set at the bar. She said that he wouldn't want to go. I'm thinking, no he won't, but I do things for you all the time I dont "want" to do. Then she commented some friends had invited her to go on a 3 day trip to the huge multi state rummage and she was going because she hasn't had a vacation in years (a jab we aren't taking her with us). We had talked about it in the past but she has gotten so bad we couldn't stand it....and she is very prejudice and makes comments all the time about Mexicans so we couldn't begin to take her to Mexico with us. So exasperating....I just appreciate having some place to vent. I vent to my friends and I am afraid I am sounding like her.

195Austin, I live in Ireland and the system for putting someone in residential care is very complicated and involves the person either volunteering to go into care, or agreeing to go into care. Being a Narcissist d'mother thinks there's nothing wrong with her, so she doesn't need to be in care, she takes offence at the suggestion that she needs to be in full-time care. My only hope at this stage is that her dementia gets bad enough for her to be declared non compos mentis and "forced" into care.

Abearyg -you can not walk away but you can start detatching a little from being there for her every whim-take small steps if you spend how many hrs a day doing her needs cut back by maybe 1/2 hr and go from there-you can be of help but not at her beck and call and as was suggested I think to see if any other services are available other residents of the building probably have no family for help so there must be things available for her to free you up.

sorry I meant good day

I know this must be very hard for gberyg. Is it possible you could get her some outside help especially on her low income. Sometimes there is help through the county if not the town. Sometimes the pharmacy will deliver I hope you looked into all options and good luch

I'm sure it is much easier if you can walk way, but I can't. She does not drive and relies on us to get her meds, her groceries, places she has to get to. We live in a small town and there are no subways, etc....taxis are too expensive when you only have $800 a month coming in.

Madge You are doing the right thing detatching you do not need someone in your life that seems to not like and just wants to argue-and you know she is not goint to change-whenI was in my mother's presence visiting my aunt Mom piped up she guess she was a good mother because we-us 4 turned out allright-and said right to me my mouth fell open Bobbie's boat come have gone in and not wanted to start something I said I guess-I turned out allright because I went after what I wanted in my life like a Bull-growing up I just wanted to survive.

gbearyg, I just had to respond to your post. I have been dealing with my mother's behavior for many years. It has been especially bad the last 5 or so. She does alot of the same things your mother does which leads me to believe they both have some disorder. I have read and re-read all the information on narcissistic behavior and as playagrandma says, it is classic.

My mother shows favoritisim toward my brother. It is coming between my brother and me. He treats me with little respect, just like mom and my dad did. I finally said something to mom about this behavior and how she must stop playing favorites because it just fuels the fire. She was livid. Total me she was sick of me calling her (she NEVER calls me) and complaining about my brother or anything else (that is because I take away from her time to complain about everything in the universe) and she thought, get this, I was intentionally trying to give her a heart attack. Now, you see, I call her because my wonderful brother is too busy with his life to check on an old 82 year old woman who lives 6 miles from him. It is not easy to listen to her complain about everyone and their brother.

So to preserve my poor mother's health, I have disassociated myself from her and my brother. I need to breath and I need to get rid of these toxic people. As you mentioned, they never to anything wrong, never will, so best to put as much distance as possible between you and your mom. She is very toxic. And it will never change.

playagrandma your answers are so right on-I hope she takes what you said seriously-that will be the only way things will get better.

I really feel for you. Of course she dont like anyone cause she dont like herself yet everything is about her. Again very classic. If there is truly nothing wrong with her and she can take care of herself-then you must stay away. I am sorry you are the only one that can help out-i am so fortunate as I have a very supportive family and husband. Stop going to get her on fridays-let her know you hacve had it. It probably wont do any good regarding her but it will you. I sure wouldnt take her anywhere near your friends. Let her threatened she is going to die-really she is 88-we all are going to one day. We all tell our NM that she will outlive us all. And get rid of the guilt-you are not going to make her happy and you are just wasting your time and breathe. Keep coming back here. Its really helped me and it will also you.

Unfortunately my parents were self employed, no pension, no savings, my dad did not qualify for military, and she has nothing but her $800 social security check. My husband had to take early disability due to heart attack so we do not have any extra either. She now has macular degeneration which the doctor said was from stress after Max died (which she has thrived on)....but she is not blind so does not qualify for assisted living assistance at this point. She lives in a HUD apartment so at least I know she is safe on a day by day basis....but of course she hates most of the people in there because of ......whatever, this reason and that...She started seeing a new physician this last week and I explained she has been depressed and not eating so I was able to get them to put her on some medication. Of course my mom only heard what she wanted....its just sleeping medicine....that is fine because otherwise she would not take it....there is nothing wrong with her other than the way everyone else treats her. I am going to keep checking on here because it is nice to have a support group and get advise.

classic classic classic. Get her away from you and yor husband. There are many options out there. Alll depends on her finances as to where would be best. Assisted Living facitliles can be expensive but not all and that would be a great place to start. If your father was in the military and especially in a war, she could qualify for VA assistance. There are low income senior citizen apartments that could recommend home health care if its needed. For your own wel being,your health and your marriage, start on this right now. And you have son to worry about and take care of. confer with her doctor I am sure he will help with this procedure. Good luck-hang tough and please get come back here if you have any questions or need more advice

I'm wondering if my mother is narcisstic..... she has always had personality issues but they are getting worse, or I am getting wore down. As a child I remember her and my dad fighting constantly....my dad was a very mild mannered person and everyone loved him. I hard a story about how my mom chased him with a knife once. She has never driven and would pack her clothes and threaten to leave and take off walking. I would beg my dad to go after her because I was afraid she would never come back. My brothers were much older than me so they were not around. She was always good to me but would have "spells" where she would get mad at someone and lock herself up for weeks. when my brother eloped she would not talk to him forever. When my other brother moved away out of state she would not speak to him for years. He would call on the phone and she would not talk to him, when they would come she would lock herself int he room. These gave her something to whine about to everyone to make them feel sorry for her. She is now 88 and my dad is gone. She has lost almost all of her friends because she gets mad at them if they do not see things her way, and she never forgives them. She refuses to go to the Legion where she used to be so active (she got mad because some people set at "their" table on New Years). She got mad at people at the Senior Center and will not go there. She raised my niece when she was growing up with cancer (34 years of it) and it was always about her, not my niece. She doesn't drive and her companion died last Oct. Her and Max were always putting down his children and grandchildren for various reasons. When he became terminal he decided to put everything behind him and wanted to see his kids. This made my mom mad and she got into it with them. She got so loud they kicked her out of the VA.
She would not go back and he ended up passing away without her being there.
Now she is making my life miserable. My one brother (who she has never gotten along with) still lives out of state. She doesn't understand now why he will not come see him....it is still his and my sister-in-laws fault that things are bad. My other brother is an alcoholic and lives 15 minutes away but doesn't leave his house, next door to the bar. My niece passed away, and it is all on me and my husband. We thought getting her a camper by ours would give her something to do in the summer and keep her from whining....it has turned into a nightmare. As I have heard others say, doesn't matter how much I do, it isn't enough. We pick her up on Fri and if I am not giving her 100% of my attention she whines and crys about looking at 4 walls and she wants to die. If I go swimming, hiking, or something she can't join me in, when I get back I hear it. Our friends up there no longer want to be around her....one afternoon when we were eating supper after me going fishing she turned her back against everyone on the picnic table and refused to speak or eat. When she is speaking all she does it gripe about everything, the golf carts are too loud, the kids shouldn't be allowed to drive them, people should have to turn their music off at 10 p.m, look at those tattoos, its every single word. Now my husband has had and we are fighting. He is refusing to be around her and if we are outside at the camper he goes in, if we go on the boat he stays home....he is gettign snipping with her and had her crying t 3 x this weekend. My theory is that he is feeding her behavior because now it is poor me, Mike is being mean to me when I didnt do anything. I sure sympathize with everyone because I am at my wits end. To top this off I have an autistic son and I work full time....I feel like I am the only sane person in my family and I want to enjoy life.....

Blue I am so sorry for what you are going through-do you live with her could you call social services and tell them because of her behaivor she needs to be placed and let they do the paperwork for medicaide-to need to get away from her.

Play you are doing everything right -you do not deserve to be treated badly-the only thing we can do is to detach ourselves or we will go crazy-and it does get easier I found that out with the husband-the sky did not fall the first time I did not jump to his every command ans after a while it got easier to be what he called me the b word by the time he passed I was no longer his dooemat-I am proud of you I hope you got to read Lisa's journey from hell with her Mom-it starts 2 yrs ago------we watched this amazing lady come into her own and get her Mom out of the house-I think they are twins.

it never ends does it? I havent been on here for some time now. This is a long one but will try and keep it short. My NM has been in the hospital, the ER and nursing home twice for rehab in the last 2 and half months. She had to go to the hospital on june 8th cause her potassium had bottomed out. found out she wasnt taking her pills like she should. She was very weak and frail. She was discharged to the nursing home for therapy. At this time she as also always sick to her stomach and complaining of nausea. Actually this part had been going on for months and she had every test out there but nothng was found out except the usual thngs IBS-gastritis-and a few other things. It the end it was deteremined that her medical issues would go away if she started taking care of herself and oh the smoking wasnt helping. Okay she now is the nursing home. I live 45 minutes away but went to see every other day-did her laundry-got her mail -ran errands for her. Where were the others? well my sister lives in north carolina and my three brothers basically let me do all the work. Which I really did not mind-NM was being good because she was so sick. The dr really wanted her in assisted living but she was refusing big time. So I got everything arranged that whe she was discharged back to her apartment, home health care would start monitoring her medications. Towards the end of her nursing home stay she started to feel some what better. It had been 23 days without a cigarette and was doing good. However on the 24th day, three days before she went back to her apartment-one of the home health care workers after work took her out of the facility so she could buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke. The family was furious. I reported her and the worker. No lighters or cigarettes are allowed inside the nursing home. We have a meeting that day on her discharge and I requested my three brothers me there also. NM was not happy over the cigarette thing and told everyone at the meeting I had a big mouth and to stop bossing her around. By the way there was never a thank you for all I had been doing for her. Okay I tell myself its time to back off again She went back to her apartment on july 1st. On July 8th she falls. She is taken to the ER-and my youngest brother was called-he lives closer than the rest. Xrays were taken on her behind and a cat scan on her head. They told my brother she is was okay but she was complaining alot of her butt hurting. Now I am back in the picture- I called her monday and she is really sore and still very sick to her stomach but she is being watched by home healh care(if find out later she went out the infamous worker probably to smoke), I go over tuesday to check on her-still not good. I call her weds and no answer and so I am worried. We drive all the over there only to find out she is not in her apartment. Again she went out when she could hardly walk. I was furious again. One big problem we have had with her is buying over the counter meds and not telling the dr. I had already threw out all i could find but her she is buying more. The next day and back again to take her to the dr. We find out that the hospital failed to tell her she had fractured her tailbone. No wonder the pain and she continues to get sick to her stomach even getting dry heaves. The dr says she cannot stay alone-that I needed to make sure she wasnt. As sick as she is, she still trys lighting a cigarette in my car-which is a big no no. Okay now what I am going to do-she cant stay with me, we have a one bedroom apartment and my brothers live in two story houses plus their wives would never allow her in their homes to stay. I have only two choices-home health care or readmit her to the nursing home. It was too late on that day to get her admitted so I had home health care look in on her. I got her admitted on July 13th and for the next weeks made sure she was eating properly(one reason why she was always sick to her stomach was because of her poor eating habits)and whatever it took to get her back to feeling good. And gradually that happened. One good thing after the fall my brother called assisted iving and found out they had a room and told my mom that is where she was going and no debate. Soon her stomach pains and nausea was leaving-she did have a few pills switched around but still taking about 14 a day. She gained two and half pounds in a week. I started by myself cleaning out her apartment-getting rid of crappy awful furniture. Buying her a twin bed and recliner for her new place(she pays). Since she is feeling good now, my husband and I started taking her out to lunch and dinner-doing everything we could to make sure she stayed happy until she was settled into assisted living. And the the fangs came out. And still no thank you and mind you-I am the only one doing all this-my oldest brother did help move her over to assisited living which is on the same campus. She startedl lying and bitching to and about me. She was so excited at first about this place and told everyone. She wasnt there three hours and is calling me telling me she didnt appreciate how we just dumped her and left. Then called the next day to me and the youngest brother that she hated it there-to come and take her out-the food was awful etc etc. At that point I said once again thats it-I plan to stay away for awhile I was tired and really tired of how ungrateful she was. At the get go we were concerned she would try and smoke which is a big no no there also and was told she would be discharged if she was caught smoking anywhere on campus. I promised the director that the family would cooperate and if we took her out we would not let her alone. She had not smoked again at this point about 20 days. now the final straw that broke the camels back. I got this most awful voice mail thursday night-told me to stay out of her gd business-stop bossy her around and trying to run her life-that she could take care of herself and didnt need me or anyone telling her what to do -that she hasnt heard from me since I dumped her in that place-she was screaming at me and whats worse called my sister, who hung up on her and my three brothers-they did not take her call so she left messages bad mouthing me. They are furious with her.My middle brother did call her and she told him it looked liked we are were all on this together-that we were no longer a part of HER family-he laughed at her since that should be the other way around cause right now she has no family. she told my brother I was nuts and told my sister I was crazy-isnt that like the pot calling the kettle black. Sorry this has taken so long. Since I started this thread 280 posts ago-I have tried many times to help her. The only reason I put myself through what I did this last time-was because she really was sick and not getting any better. I made that happen. Next I wanted her in assisted living and I made that happen. Its what my dad would have wanted. She is in a lovely place and at least for the foreseeable future I am done. As my brothers told me there isnt a pill to get rid of meaness. I am good now and at peace. I did good-I know it-my family and everyone involves know it. have a good week and thanks everyone out and to all those that have NMs-stay strong and stand your ground. Love you all!

Here we are again! My mother playing off each to everyone. My 'golden child' sister made her 2 monthly visit to our mother over the weekend. Not a surprise that my mother even bagged her for non-response to her plight. Why did I know that would happen? My sister is so far removed from wanting to input care to our mother. When I speak with her regarding helpful solutions, she generally shrugs it all off with a "well, she will have to take care of herself when there's no one else to do it for her". So I have 2 frustrating people in my family...a non-compliant mother & a sister who couldn't give a hoot!
There's no fixing the problem areas where a mother refuses to be flexible. I've recently spent time arranging shower-care through my work and that all fell into a heap. Not surprised...given Mum's record so far. Why did I think this time it was going to go smoothly? The nurse is a 'pig', according to her and she didn't say the things that were related back to me. I was told by the Nurse that she bagged me big time and my response was "So what's new? She's been doing that all her life." Doesn't make me feel any better, or have any incentive to want to phone or visit her. I find myself avoiding her more & more these days....and she knows it!
I am totally exhausted with the mere mental stress of it all and it's affecting my work abilities. I just want to sleep all the time and even after 10hrs sleep, I wake feeling as though i've not slept at all.
I find myself wishing that this would all end and that's not me at all!

Love ya work! BeachRose4 :D

I tend to do similar to my mother, who continually whines about those who do most of the caring for her. I haven't forgotten how she put her partner down daily for 17yrs, until his passing last year. They didn't live together (wonder why? *sarcasm*) but he was there every day for her beck-n-call...even that last day before he died, as sick as he was, taking her grocery shopping. I saw them that day. He could barely stand up to go get the car, but did she notice? Too wrapped up in her own self, but I saw how sick he was. He didn't even have the energy to mumble a 'hello' to me. I was frightened for him that day, and for good reason. He used to phone her every morning to greet the day and every evening to say goodnight. It's stamped in my painful memories of how it took her 3 days to phone me and alert me to not hearing from him those 3 days. The poor man had passed away, alone, in that time. To this day, I will never understand why she didn't alert one of us sooner.

These are all painful memories that most of us store up and choose not to talk about to others. These are the bits that readers don't get privy to, yet lack of them tends to target caregivers here as seeming somewhat whiney themselves.

Well my mother lives with her own ghosts. They're all locked into my memory and serve me well as triggers for quick action. When she starts up with her "I miss M***" routine, it hurts to hold my tongue, and I simply change the subject.

It never changes...just the new target does... but I refuse to play her game anymore. I refuse to become a pawn in her sad behaviour anymore. These days I just shut her down straight away by saying "yes, she's very kind to help you so much, isn't she mum?" She has nowhere to go with that and has to agree.

We choose to care for those we love. We do that over and above the call of duty.

These kind of people need a forceful stance, and although it pains us to do that, it's our only solution for now.

Cheers

I know exactly what you are saying and I can empathize totally! I have found, as my three other siblings have found helpful, is to not engage with her rants. It does no good to argue, as in her mind, she feels she is right and deserves the attention (which is what individuals who are narcissists want). It won't matter how hard you try to please or how much you spend or how much you give her. She will NEVER be satisfied no matter how old they get. That is a narcissist! It's a very, very, difficult personality to deal with. She's had it for years, probably her whole life, as my own mother has, and it will not improve. You have to be the one to take the bull by the horns (or the narcissist in this case) and not allow yourself to be bullied, berated, or discounted. You are a good and kind-hearted person who has given your whole life up(almost!) to her, as your dad did. What good did it do your dad?

You need self-care and NOT feel guilty about it! Get a good therapist to help you recognize your self worth. This has been your mother's script in this life, as it has been my own mother's. It is not your job to make someone happy, especially someone who has never appreciated the obvious. My mother created this for herself and I've reached a point, as my other sibs have, where we are not going to take ownership of her behavior. We love her and will give her what will benefit her. If she does not like it, no matter-- we've done our best and move forward with our heads high. Mind you, this took some time for us.

When our own 86 year old mother launches into her childish behavior (which she's done since I can remember...) we now simply say, "Mom, I can't stay just now and I'm leaving (or I'm going to hang up the phone) . I'm not going to listen to this inappropriate behavior. Perhaps we'll talk later when you calm down." Then leave abruptly or hang up. My mom has followed me right out the door continuing to rant and holler negative remarks, and it does make us feel lousy, but follow-through with either leaving or hanging up. I later check up on her and if she does it again, I end it. Sometimes there is carry-over, sometimes not as quickly, but you cannot engage with her, as it fuels the behavior. It has surprised her, certainly.

It is not okay to allow yourself to be a walking mat, even though this person is your mother and you care about her--and even if your dad allowed it. That was your dad's issue and their marriage. Falling into her trap of rants and demands will wear you out physically and emotionally, fast! You have to act as the parent and hang tough, girl!

My mom will always continue her behavior, but I am not going to choose to listen and engage with her any longer--it's OKAY to do so. I'm finding I have more energy to be a better caregiver, and I like myself a whole lot more. It's not easy, but necessary and the guilt subsides when you become stronger. Glad to hear you're on the path toward healing. Life is messy, huh? Take it from a 'NOT washed up woman' (golfgirls post) with TWO wonderfully capable children! Be strong and hugs to all!!

sorry typo..the word is "can" not "cab"

Yep! cab relate to all that!

Wow, I am not the only one having this problem. I put boundries on what I will and will not do with my mom in law. She is living in aissed living center, clls me constantly making demands. So, we go see her once a week...if she is good, then we take her out for the day....but if she is ugly, we just tell her we aren't taking her anywhere the way she is behaving. I also let my answering machine pick up when she calls more than once a day, that way I know if there is truely an emergency...also I know the staff well, and they call if there is any problem. She never liked my husband until she needed him, abuses him and me all the time verbally...she has a daugter that will not have anything to do with her, and none of the grandkids want to even call her much less visit. It is sad, but when you are ugly to people, they don't want to be around you. Praying for you all.....I am so glad I found this site, for at least I can talk and feel ok about it.

My mother has NPD, she's in her 80s and I'm in my late 40s, she's been narcissistic for as long as I can remember, and I can remember going to school for the first time over 40 years ago!
She also has histrionic traits. Everything to her is a mad drama, that must be punctuated with hysterical shrieking. Nothing anyone says calms her down.
She has always hated me, she adores her first born son, is casually indifferent to her second son, and loathes the very bones of me - her daughter.

When I was a child she didn't feed me properly and I was extremely thin, she also hand made all my clothes (cheaper in those days than to buy) she claims it was because Dad never gave her any money, but she managed to clothe my brothers from shops.

For nearly 30 years she would proudly tell people that I hated her and thought she was a terrible mother. She only stopped when I asked her why she was A still peddling that story and B was so proud of herself..?

I became my parents caregiver by accident - I'd never had any intentions of staying home and looking after them. My dad had a heart attack and was supposedly "not long left for this world" but it took over a decade for him to eventually pass away. During that time I looked after him, and my mother who'd developed Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus.

To this day she persists in telling people that she was looking after her husband. She tells people I spend all my time in the pub with my friends.
The more invalided dad became the more vicious mother became, she was unbearable to live with. This was her narcissism, I was giving all my attention to my father and no one was paying any attention to her, so she became enraged with jealousy.

When dad died a couple of years ago she suddenly became all sweetness and light, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt (I didn't know what NPD was at the time) and stayed to care for her. The NPH causes a parkinson's like condition, so she can't do anything for herself.

Less than a year after dad died she developed the dementia phase of the NPH, and again she has become unbearable to live with, I have been fighting for months to have her put into residential care as I cannot cope with her any more. My own health is failing me, I have no friends, no family of my own (single, never married, no kids), no life skills, and my extended family don't want anything to do with me because of my mother's persistent lying about me all my life.

Now that I know what NPD is I'm going to take the information to my doctor and try once again to get some help getting my mother into residential care.

It will be hard, run away, now, before any more of your life is consumed. I have been there, gave over thirty years of my own life much like you . I am now 63 and in very bad health myself and nothing else to give. People like that do not care what happens to you. Even though I finally just now walked away, I am too sick to have any quality of life. The old lady still finds others to wait on her.

Don't do what I did. I wrote save your self and that is what I tried to do. I was really proud of myself for 5 days because I stood up to her and said I was done.
During that 5 days the caregivers that I had hired stole from her and probably killed her. We are still waiting on the toxicology report so they have only been charged with elder abuse and fraud.
Bottomline: My mother died and I never got to hear her say she loved me. That is all I wanted but I never got that because these women were greedy.
Now I get to be treated like a nothing by the court system while I try to get justice for my mother and protect others from these women.
I was given a recommendation for these caregivers from my local hospice organization and I took it as gospel. Turns out one of these women has a rap sheet that goes back to 1983.
I was shopping yesterday to try to feel better because the cops forgot to show up for court so my criminal got to walk out on her own recognizance. Judge Hanson didn't think it was fair to make her sit in jail. Now she can go out and spend the money she stole from my mother. While shopping I spoke to a total stranger and it turns out her mother was victimized by this woman eight years ago. She is going to talk to the police now but if I can randomly run into another victim then how many more are there out there?
This whole situation has been surreal. I have also really found out who my friends are. If we are raised by a narcissist do we purposefully choose friends that just use us?

Thank you from me cattails. I also apologise if anything I said, you took to heart and my deepest sympathies for your loss. I would like to start afresh with this thread and pray that we all find a happier existance without the traumas we endure.

Bless

Hey all of you on the NM thread. You are right and I am wrong. Libracat, I hope you are reading.

Your experience is so different that mine and I agree 100 percent that I have not walked in your shoes. Please don't think that I don't care about you and only come here to throw stones. I do think Libracat is too controlling about the food issues, but I know she takes whatever the doc says to heart and follows his directions to a tee. My mom's doc told me to back off and let her enjoy. My mom didn't die of food, she died because of a freak fall and a broken hip. She could have recovered, but didn't want to. It was her choice and one she would have made in years past. She had just had enough.

I said in a past post that I think you all have your own pathology. I think that's true. It is your reality and it comes from the women who raised you. You are good people, trying to do the best for the moms that you have. Most of you get so little in return and the crap that you go through is hard for me to listen too. I just want to save you; like you want to save your moms.

Did you read a post lately from someone who I believe posted on the NM thread. Maybe she didn't, not sure. She left her mom in the care of a care giver and her mom died withing a 24 or 48 hour time. Heartbreaking. The caregiver robbed her mom of her computer and took money from her bank account. God, it was terrible.

Anyway, I'm just here to apologize. I've had a hard time lately and just put my dad in NH care. It was a heart wrenching decision, but I just had to have my life back. I guess I just responded over the top to those of you who give so much to those who give back so little.

I hope you will forgive me. I really am sorry. Libracat I am especially sorry for what I said to you. Love, Cattails

There are levels of difficulty for co/caring for a dependant person and each one is different to the next. So many different factors come into play to create its own unique pattern.
Majority of care-giving comes from family members, who take this difficult task on-board without being armed with first-aid knowledge, psychology understanding, emotional & physcal handling training, or a degree in medicine. They just step up and do the best they can with what they have.
Both independant living co-care and live-in care come with their separate set of problem areas. It's like anything. You can try to explain something to someone till your blue in the face, but that person can never understand until they themselves have walked in that person's shoes for a bit. Only then, can one truly empathise with that person's feelings.
A lot of times there are never any easy-step solutions to care-giving, apart from simply wiping your hands of it all and walking away. Every case is different and are compounded with physical, mental &/or emotional strains.
NM's are already emotionally damaged goods....add anything else into the pot and suddenly one has a broiling pot of steamy mush, instead of a palettable stew.
It's one thing to know one needs to remain calm and composed when dealing with these frustrating types, but quite another to keep inventing new coping skills to not allow them to affect you.
All frustration requires a healthy outlet, which is often difficult to source when cooped up with the source of frustration 24/7. Even more difficult when you have no avenue of escaping for that well-earned breather. I'm lucky in that respect. I can get in the car and drive home and shut it all down, but many can't with live-in care. It doesn't go away and there's little escape unless you're blessed with a team of reliable family members.
This thread is a terrific source for venting built-up frustration when one cannot find another satisfying source of release. It provides a healthy outlet for those sufferers who know the 'deal', but just need for someone, somewhere to hear them. They are already self-taught experts in the 'how to' manual and could probably write their own Technical Tips Manual. That's not what they need here. What they want here is to connect with others who are going through similar frustrations. Those who can read, understand and not judge what they should, or should not be doing, but someone who can say " awww..so sorry you're having a bad day ~Hug~".
It's not that they come here because they are 'martyr junkies' and need another quick-fix to pile on top of their huge heap of NM put-downs. At least for me, NO! I am always one to take on constructive criticism if I feel it can lighten my load. The last thing we need is for someone to tell us we're doing it all wrong, or are 'victims' of our own making. Telling me I'm being a victim is like a cold-hearted slap in the face. All that does for me is to confirm that this 'speaker' has not an ounce of understanding of what another has whole-heartedly, and without exception, taken on.
We don't abandon our loved ones and shurk off a duty-of-care. We are totally aware of what a huge task we've given ourselves. Not because we have an inferiority complex of wanting to be 'needed', but because no one else puts their hand up for the job. I'm sure there is the odd case of wanting to be needed, but I think most of us are pretty good at spotting these types...and I don't see any here!
I know if I dug deep enough, I could find that cold dark spot within me to 'shrug & walk away' without turning to look back. At times I even wish it were more prominant within my make-up, trust me. Without the caring souls in this world, there would be no nurses, social workers, aids or caregivers. They aren't martyrs. They are genuine, caring people who volunteer to step up and look after YOU in your old age. So don't be so quick to dismiss these types and write them off to 'another victim' or 'lost causes'.

Footnote:-
Last night my good-hearted partner decided he would give me a break and drop over his own home-cooked fish n chip meal for my NM. The thoughtful deed turned into a nightmare for him as he locked horns with dearest NM whose eyes are blind, ears are deaf and tongue is a cutting sword. He lobbed in with raging eyes and steam pouring from his collar and I thought "ohooooo!" Now he fully understands my NM ranting and I reckon NM has just crossed off another recruit to her help-list and so have I :-(. On the way out the door she yelled to him an assertive demand to send over her daughter tomorrow, which has just earned her another non-visit for the day from me. According to my partner, this weak, pain-racked, bed-ridden, helpless little old lady, turned into an upright, arm-waving (claiming that her once-broken-arm is useless), tongue-stinging monster ready to pounce and tear his throat out. I rarely see my partner upset, but it took 4 beers to begin to calm him down.

So understand that people like us are NOT dealing with the 'ordinary'. Don't assume there is a logical solution of 'one fits all'. And above all, we are intelligent people who can also be easily insulted by subtle hints of being 'whiners'.

Thanks & Cheers

AS: I couldn't leave a bedridden person to fend for themselves either.

LC: Let's call a truce. I'm waving the white flag.

SM: Good info.

Sending you all love and white light. Cattails

Wow.......cans of worms!
Cattails - calling ME controlling does not hurt me - - it only reinforces that you don't seem to understand the scope of what I am going through - but that's ok, I
DO because I am living it.
And, last I checked, you have never met my mother!!
The reasons we come here, and the reasons that this site has been provided are: it's a FORUM which means we are all able to air and share our feelings.
We may vent, get upset, complain, suggest, advise........but NOT judge or criticize. There are always self-righteous ones and holier-than-thou's waiting in the wings to do that, and may they be forgiven for it. They may mean well but have a problem in their method of expressing it and I get that.
Besides: any feedback that I have received on here that might be perceived as being "harsh" is NOTHING compared to the lambasting that I got on another thread, "Does the negativity and emotional abuse ever get easier to live with?"
And if I commented on the person who blasted me on there then I would be the one to be called judgmental and critical!!
There are no winners here, or losers, for that matter........and no right answers.
We are here to commiserate and be heard and know that WE ARE NOT ALONE.