Diagnosis: My mom has a brain tumor. She is ambulatory but cannot be left home unsupervised because of risk seizures, falls, etc.
Mom's Situation: My parents still live in my childhood home, and both are retired and do not work. They have no family or close friends where they live, and I have no siblings willing to help them. Although they live on fixed income, they have a comfortable nest egg.
My Situation: Age 26, live 500 miles away from my parents, working at my first real job after graduating college. I had to leave home because my parents' area is economically depressed, and I was unable to find work there after trying for a year after graduation.
The Problem:
I have been trying to split my time between my job and my parents, but I am running out of FMLA leave, and the situation seems to be getting worse, not better, especially because my father is older and starting to have his own medical issues. My father demands that I quit my job and move back in with them.
I suggested home care and even had a nursing agency come to our house. Although they were very pleasant, my father refuses to hire any home care aides. He says it's because my mom won't let them take care of her, but she says that's not true. I know the real reason is because he doesn't want to pay $18/hour even for a few hours a day.
I offered that they move in with me where I live and work, so I could keep my job and still help them. My mom is ready to move tomorrow, but my father refuses to go. He has no real reason to stay because he has no job, friends, or family where they live. The way I see it, he is just "comfortable" and doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.
I don't want my mom to go to a nursing home unless it becomes absolutely necessary because it is too depressing and she is too young for that environment (all the residents are usually 75+). I would be willing to have her move in with me without my father, but that has issues too. I'm not sure she can stay home alone, and if something happens to her when I'm not there, I'm concerned I could be criminally liable for elder neglect or something like that. Hiring a home care aide 10+ hours/5 days a week would be outrageously expensive.
I have no idea what to do. I am depressed, feeling guilty, physically ill, and despondent. Even though my parents had me late in their lives, I never expected to have to deal with this situation so young and early in my career. I love my mom a lot, so I can't just abandon her. My father is a control freak and has tried to dictate the course of my entire life, and now he is using my sick mom against me to try to get me to do what he wants.
Stick to your guns and don't feel guilty. Your life is just as important as your mom's. Your dad is ignoring that fact. He's acting like a selfish bully.
I understand your still worried because I fear the same thing because I am the only relative that can care for my grandfather. But yet, I need a job and also have a disabled father.
Your in my thoughts, good luck.
"My father is a control freak and has tried to dictate the course of my entire life, and now he is using my sick mom against me to try to get me to do what he wants."
That's what I thought even before I read your conclusion.
This is a test of wills - your father's vs. yours, and your mother is in the middle. You need to stand your ground, hold your position, and allow him to recognize that a compromise needs to be made, and he needs to reach that conclusion on his own even though you should be guiding him toward it.
If there were no other options, demanding that you return home might be feasible. But there are other options; your father just doesn't want to explore them. That's part of the control trip.
Keep remembering that because otherwise the guilt will consume you, and that may subconsciously be part of your father's agenda.
Without prying or asking too upsetting a question, has your mother's tumor been staged?
It seems to me you've already made sacrifices, which subconsciously may have encouraged your father to believe he could demand more.
If you leave your first job, you'll have to explain and justify that every time you apply for another one. It could become a real issue for your career. But it also will make you totally dependent on your parents for everything, and then your father wins and has more control over you than he did before. And you're back to the childhood stage of being dependent on him while he manipulates you as much as he wants to.
Take some time to think over the situation, explore options for care in your parents' area even though your father would reject them, and when you feel emotionally up to it, present them with a plan that includes the care your mother needs, with professional care in the home, paid for by him if necessary.
I wouldn't mention more visits because as you noted FMLA only extends so far. And that would give your father an opening through which he could put his foot.
If you stand your ground, he'll eventually realize he can't manipulate you. But he'll continue to try so think about how to plan for whatever he may propose next. I do suspect he'll become angry and accusatory and use a guilt trip to increase your anguish.
Also think about how this will affect your mother, as it sounds as though he manipulates her as well. This is in some ways the harder situation, especially since your mother is willing to make changes but he probably dominates her and challenges those decisions she makes. She to is caughte between the rock and a hard place.
For whatever reason, he apparently doesn't attempt to control your siblings. Is there any possibility they could change their position of not helping, or are they unwilling to deal with his personality as well?
I've been through the challenges of caring for a controller for years; it took a long time before I figured out ways to politely stand up and resist the manipulation. It wasn't easy; in fact it's really an emotional challenge, which includes a large amount of guilt and self-questioning.
I wish you luck; please let us know how you decide to handle the situation.
He is 89 and struggling to care 24/7 with my 85 yr old mum. (Her mobility is limited and she suffers with incontinence!)
I live 17 miles from them, am a single mum, and go over there 3 times a week (spend 5/6 hours there on a Saturday)
My dad is really struggling, and whilst I am lucky to live nearer than you do to yours, I have been begging my dad to get help. He has always flatly refused.
I have gradually teased out of him why:
1. All the negative press in the media/horror stories about bad carers (very much the minority, but I guess stories about all the lovely carers would not sell newspapers!!)
- I have said I will follow up references and interview them.
2. He thinks if he admits he needs help that Social Services will 'take her away' - a REALLY common fear amongst elderly carers.
- I assured him that the British Govt have NO interest in this, quite the opposite, they are desperate for folks to stay at home.
3. He does not want a 'stranger' in the house.
- Again, I said we could interview and find one he likes
4. Money - I think he worries it will 'eat up' their savings.. but mum gets a disability allowance that could pay for this, and I have stated that I would rather their money is spent on this than me inherit it.
I have to say, I have ben trying to persuade him for 10 months, to no avail... so I phoned their doctor on the quiet, telling him my concerns for my father's health (he's lost far too much weight), and begging doc to 'tell' dad that he has to get help. (My dad is very 'old school', and ex RAF, so if a Doctor tells him to do something he will!)
Doctor called him on Wednesday this week... then called me to say he got the same resistance I had... but then dad called me yesterday to tell me he is going to get the Social Services folks in to do an assessment and put together care worker package!!!
Can't promise same approach will work with yours... but worth a try.
At 26 you do need to build your career.
Try asking your dad what is he afraid of regards moving closer to you? Try to minimise his concerns.
Maybe ask his priest etc for advice/help (if he is religious, he may listen to them?)
My experience has been that if you don't get them out of the big family home into maybe warden assisted community soon, then it will become impossible as they hit 80s, as the upheaval and shock can be overwhelming.
You need to tell him that whilst you love him and your mum very much, that you need to be where you are to ensure your career. You having no job and no income does not help them, and most certainly does not provide for you when you get to their age.
Sorry there is no magic wand to offer, but you ate not alone!
Big virtual hug ()
I hate sounding harsh but your Father is being very selfish and unfair to both you and your Mother. He is the one on the edge of elder abuse. You are in no way responsible for his decisions. I don't understand why your siblings can't help out....unless Dad has tried to control them and they stay away to protect their own families.
You can go visit for a couple days a month but do not put your job in jeopardy by taking time off from work.
In a perfect world, you and your siblings should sit down and make hard decisions now as to what the future will be for your parents. If parents can participate, great but your Dad doesn't sound like a team player. Do any of you have POA for the parents and MPOA? Are the wills in place?
Having them move closer would only make you more responsible and your Dad more in control of your time. My heart aches for you knowing for whatever reason this seems to have fallen on your shoulders; where it does not in anyway belong! Be strong and please know at your age, you must build the foundation of your career and personal life. Sometimes those opportunities only come around once. Best of luck to you.
Is the brain tumor operable or shrinkable? Or will it become worse with time?