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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Susan, when I set my Mom up for going into her Memory Care, I did not warn her ahead of time because I knew she would be very unhappy. I had someone else take her and after a week, I finally went to visit. When she asked, I told her that the doctor prescribed memory therapy and that this was the best place in town for the therapy. She didn't believe it, but it took me out of the "decision." I found that preparing Mom makes no difference because she has poor short-term memory. In fact, if I try to prepare her for any type of change, it tends to make her anxious.
This is a very tough cycle to go through. I placed my sweet mom in memory care on April 24th (she has moderate to advanced Alzheimer and dementia too). it still hurts my heart to answer her daily questions of why she is there and not living with my husband and I. She wants to come home each day. She lived with my husband and I for 5 years and another 5 we took care of her as well. We both have gotten sick from the pressure and difficulty of dealing with this disease. I am still going through the crying. I am told that it gets easier. I believe that and can't wait until that begins to happen. It is hard to tell others about what you are going through - one who has not lived through this cannot understand the intensity, repetitiveness, exhaustion and the heart brake the care taker experiences. Thanks to this blog, I don't feel so alone.
Will he have rehab after hospital discharge? After my Mom's hospitalization and then after her rehab, I just had the transport service take her to memory care. My sister accompanied her on the ride. We had already set up her new room. I greeted them both at the door to the facility. I quietly said that the doctor wanted her to get more practice walking. I know I was EXTREMELY fortunate. My Mom never asked about it. She accepted it as the gracious lady she had always been. Good luck
I placed my mom in a ALF Memory Care in November 2016. I still question if it was the right thing and is she happy. When I visit and we a have meal together she always ask can she go home now. It finally dawned on me last week that she simply was asking to go back to her room. There is routine there and she feels safe. It was the right thing.
As suggested by others I placed her in the ALF after a rehab stay, simply by telling her the doctors requested she get more physical therapy to make her stronger. She was OK with that and once the routine of day to day set inand they did not force her to do anything she did not want to do (activities, which she does some), she was OK.
It depends on if your dad has advanced Alzheimers or dementia. How aware is he of his surroundings and events?
At some point, provided he is at least somewhat cognizant of his surroundings, you're going to have to address it. He's most likely going to be confused and unhappy at first, but you know your dad best, and how best to address it - if he is a fairly easy-going person and accepting of changes in his life, it will be far easier for everyone. If that's the case, you can explain to him in simple terms that his health is important to the family, and it is best for him to be in a place where he can receive round-the-clock medical care when needed - because none of you are doctors or nurses, and that's what he needs now.
If he is the type of person that is change resistant and doesn't accept this sort of change in his life well, then it's going to be a challenge to get him to understand and accept it. Again...this all depends on his level of dementia/Alz.
Dad, like so many, has been thru so much... He was with me for 6 months, then a brief hospital stay, rehab, then I moved him into memory care. I too had his room all ready, and I took him there myself. That was 7 weeks ago. I visit every day (missed once). I thought he was doing great, but just last week and again today he said he was unhappy. I don't know what to do, because I can't bring him back to my home. I think the staff is being rotated for training, and maybe that's the problem. I hate this too. He doesn't have to cry; I do enough for both of us.
Theraputic lies will be best for him - mom's short term memory is as long as a gnat's eyelash ...LOL - I bought a few balls to exercise her [artitis] hands so that when she asks I say when you finish getting stronger & ask her how often she is using them - I then hand her one which she squeezes about 3 or 4 times then drifts off & forgets -
I have NEVER [4 1/2 years] told her it is permanent as that would not be kind & she would be upset without knowing/remembering why - I say it's for treatment & she promises to work hard at it but she forgets in minutes - however the worry is suppressed by the way you handle it [lovingly] - asking to move is common & sometimes they don't even know where they want to go to - pass off blame to a neutral party like the dr. so that your dad stays away from blaming you &/or rest of family
Once I said something saying she asked for the extra help for the reason she was there & she said that she didn't remember then said "oh!, yes I remember now" but she never said it - you can implant memories like that so try saying what will keep him content if he has little to no short term memory
I also have her on a waiting list for a place much closer to me & say we are waiting for an opening, but she is so used to where she is that I'll have to decide if/when they call whether if I'll move her - both approaches work with her so it will depend on how good your dad's short term memory is - don't forget the 'props' as this re-enforces whatever you say -
I know some of this may seem harsh but you came here for a realistic look at what to do - read many other threads & you'll find that treating them kindly, with respect but always remember that your dad is not in charge any more - however don't rub his nose in it either & leave him with some hope if you can - he will also have no idea about the passage of time so do as I do when I leave is kiss him & say 'I'll see you in a few days' - also any promise you may given him don't feel you need to stick to it as the circumstances then & now are not the same so don't lose sleep over this - good luck
Thanks SusanA43, I appreciate your response. It's true it depends on how he handles change. It's just so heartbreaking the last time we discussed this with him he cried. I really hate this disease
I sometimes think that the family is torn, because they may not have dealt with anything like this before. Are you the one who will make the decision or must it be agreed by all. I agree with Susan that it depends on your dad's level of progression. Some people are at a stage that no matter what you say, they will forget in a matter of moments. So, you end up giving the same answer over and over. That's a tough stage.
Is there is any rehab that he might need, I might address it that way. My LO needed physical therapy to help with her balance and strength. She also needed to get her medications administered, nutrition back on track, etc. So, she was open to a temporary stay in the AL. Of course, once there, the memory eventually loses track of this. But, it was helpful to get her moved in and settled. She actually liked it, since she felt safe. Being alone for a person with dementia, can be scary, as they get confused and aren't sure what is happening to them.
I'd also consider that even though your dad may be asking to go home, depending on his progression, he may not be referring to his physical address. but a place in his mind of comfort.
When I moved my dad closer to me, he too cried about leaving his home. I had told him from the start, I needed 3 months to get him back on his feet and eating again before he could return home.
24 hours in the new accommodations, he never wanted to go back.
He lived another 5 years in the mobile home set up in my front yard.
I find honesty is the best policy whenever possible. Sometimes just knowing that it might not be permanent helps. You can always use the "when you are stronger" approach to answer his "when can I go home."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is hard to tell others about what you are going through - one who has not lived through this cannot understand the intensity, repetitiveness, exhaustion and the heart brake the care taker experiences. Thanks to this blog, I don't feel so alone.
As suggested by others I placed her in the ALF after a rehab stay, simply by telling her the doctors requested she get more physical therapy to make her stronger. She was OK with that and once the routine of day to day set inand they did not force her to do anything she did not want to do (activities, which she does some), she was OK.
At some point, provided he is at least somewhat cognizant of his surroundings, you're going to have to address it. He's most likely going to be confused and unhappy at first, but you know your dad best, and how best to address it - if he is a fairly easy-going person and accepting of changes in his life, it will be far easier for everyone. If that's the case, you can explain to him in simple terms that his health is important to the family, and it is best for him to be in a place where he can receive round-the-clock medical care when needed - because none of you are doctors or nurses, and that's what he needs now.
If he is the type of person that is change resistant and doesn't accept this sort of change in his life well, then it's going to be a challenge to get him to understand and accept it. Again...this all depends on his level of dementia/Alz.
I have NEVER [4 1/2 years] told her it is permanent as that would not be kind & she would be upset without knowing/remembering why - I say it's for treatment & she promises to work hard at it but she forgets in minutes - however the worry is suppressed by the way you handle it [lovingly] - asking to move is common & sometimes they don't even know where they want to go to - pass off blame to a neutral party like the dr. so that your dad stays away from blaming you &/or rest of family
Once I said something saying she asked for the extra help for the reason she was there & she said that she didn't remember then said "oh!, yes I remember now" but she never said it - you can implant memories like that so try saying what will keep him content if he has little to no short term memory
I also have her on a waiting list for a place much closer to me & say we are waiting for an opening, but she is so used to where she is that I'll have to decide if/when they call whether if I'll move her - both approaches work with her so it will depend on how good your dad's short term memory is - don't forget the 'props' as this re-enforces whatever you say -
I know some of this may seem harsh but you came here for a realistic look at what to do - read many other threads & you'll find that treating them kindly, with respect but always remember that your dad is not in charge any more - however don't rub his nose in it either & leave him with some hope if you can - he will also have no idea about the passage of time so do as I do when I leave is kiss him & say 'I'll see you in a few days' - also any promise you may given him don't feel you need to stick to it as the circumstances then & now are not the same so don't lose sleep over this - good luck
Is there is any rehab that he might need, I might address it that way. My LO needed physical therapy to help with her balance and strength. She also needed to get her medications administered, nutrition back on track, etc. So, she was open to a temporary stay in the AL. Of course, once there, the memory eventually loses track of this. But, it was helpful to get her moved in and settled. She actually liked it, since she felt safe. Being alone for a person with dementia, can be scary, as they get confused and aren't sure what is happening to them.
I'd also consider that even though your dad may be asking to go home, depending on his progression, he may not be referring to his physical address. but a place in his mind of comfort.
24 hours in the new accommodations, he never wanted to go back.
He lived another 5 years in the mobile home set up in my front yard.
I find honesty is the best policy whenever possible. Sometimes just knowing that it might not be permanent helps. You can always use the "when you are stronger" approach to answer his "when can I go home."
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