I am a 60 yr old married, disabled woman who cares for my 93 yr. old MIL. She goes between my house and my husbands brother. They have t Use her SS income to live, they have many vices!!. I know you can't do this. I have had her for a month now, I am with her 24/7. My husband works and I know he is tired from working, he gets upset at me for trying to do everything! She has no control over her bodily functions so each time, about every 30 min. She has to go. I must clean her, change her undergarments, redress her and get her safely to her chair. She has fallen on 2 occasions, once while my husband was hunting and the other while we were alone again. I have many physical limitations along with depression and anxiety, making all of this so very overwhelming! I cry day and night, which my husband doesn't understand. I cannot mention anything about the "other side" ! For Thanksgiving the in laws wanted to take a trip and I haven't seen my brother and his family in probably 8 yrs. The older we get the more you want to see them, so we used our own money to put her in respite care for the minimum of 2 wks. Well now that I have had her for a month, in two weeks they want a vacation!?!? They want to use what little money she has to pay for respite care, NOT like us who footed our own bill! I am so very tired, exhausted and do not care about anything! I do not sleep, eat and of course do not socialize. I am at my wits end! My husband doesn't understand and gets loud and angry when I bring any of this up! I give all I have to give her the best possible care yet I know that she doesn't get treated very well when she's not here! I can't carry on a conversation with anyone and if it wasn't for my little dog I feel as though I couldn't or wouldn't make it!! I just need my husband to sit and communicate with me! We've been together for 35 years and this is just off limits! He knows I am in pain yet does NOT understand how stressful each and every hour is! What can I possibly do? I have no one but my brother that lives 6 hrs. Away that I can call and talk to about it, bless him he listens and tries to help me but I know he probably gets tired of the same old song!!! I need help and advice please!!!!
I would start investigating any services in your area that can help with her care while she is in your home.... Meals on wheels can give you a break on your grocery bills and free you from having to come up with nutritious meals when all you have the energy for is tea and toast..... A bath aide or just companion care could also take some of the pressure off you, paid from her income of course.....
If her money has been given away frivolously it needs to stop. Since Medicaid has a 5 year look back she could still conceivably qualify some day IF her finances are kept in order. 5 years may seem a long time away, but better to plan for the long term than to hope tomorrow never comes.
BettySoo, ask your brother to invite you for a good, lengthy visit. That's what he can do to help you in a practical way. Let your husband find out what happens when you're not on the scene. This would not be selfish, but merely a heads-up. Because if you carry on as you are, your husband and his family might well have to do without you permanently on account of they'll have buried you.
So here's my suggestion -- get your doctor to put in writing that YOUR HEALTH makes it impossible for you to take care of MIL any longer. Get your statement before SIL informs everyone that SHE can't take of her mother any longer. MIL then becomes HER problem. While MIL is also your H's problem, HE isn't doing any of the work, is he? YOU ARE. Is he putting his mother before you? If so, then consider that. Why isn't HE taking care of his mother when he gets home from work?
Respite should be paid out of her funds. What's her situation financially? Will she eventually qualify for Medicaid?
MIL's funds should be apent on her care. Both families should have a caregiving contract in place ao that room, board and caregiving are paid for. Respite as well should be paid for out of her funds.
Your husband doesn't want to discuss this within the family, perhaps because it is a very stressful situation with no obvious, easy answers, and he doesn't want to face it until he's forced to. But if a professional outsider were to give an assessment it might start the ball rolling towards getting your MIL's care better organised. At the moment it isn't working for her or for you, so if your husband is reluctant to help, look for other allies.