Is anyone in the same situation as me? My 79 year old mother has moderate dementia

My Mom was in the mild stage of the disease when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the fall of 2011. (She is now in the moderate stage of the disease.) She lived, on her own, in an apartment. For a good couple of years she was not eating properly, not able to keep a proper calendar of appointments, being "weird" with her meds (putting some "aside", and hiding them). Despite years of saying, "If anything happens to me, I trust you to do the best," once she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she would NOT entertain the idea of looking for a retirement home. Thankfully (and I do mean thankfully) arthritis of the spine led to a 2-month hospital stay in 2012, and subsequent recommendation by medical staff to move her into a retirement home with nursing. This was our saving grace; otherwise, who knows how long it would've taken to convince her to start looking into alternative arrangements?

Anyway, her meds and meals are taken care of, and she is/always has been quite social (she plays all the card games, sits in on visiting entertainers, and goes on most of the excursions).

Despite all of this, she STILL drives me 'round the bend. Despite her being in a place where most of my worries are lifted, I get no joy in being with her. None. She is whiny, high-maintenance, stubborn, plaintive, completely self-absorbed and uninterested in others. I see her twice a week now, and talk to her every day. I do not know this woman. This is not my mother. We used to have a real giggle-fest together, and relish each other's company years ago. I "get" that this is the disease. This knowledge does NOTHING to help me like her, or to enjoy my time with her.

They say that this moderate stage is the worst: the patient knows that they are losing their grip, and they fight against the tide and unknowingly give others a hard time.

So, yeah, I'm happy she's somewhere safe. I don't know how other people -- who care for loved ones at home -- do it.

I say three cheers for Countrymouse! - Every drama queen (male or female) in the world needs their very own Objectivometer with the caveat that their CAREGIVER gets to input the truth about the situation on first :-) You could rake in millions on Indiegogo if you come up with a working prototype, you know.

Also three cheers for Karen P. who posted this - if you go back to the original question and earlier posts, you've come a looong way, baby!

Hope and humor both - and a respectable dosage in a highly palatable form!
THANKS to both of you!!

This is a journey for sure and you've received many wise responses. For me and my mom who is 79 with mid stage Alz and who lives with me, we are taking it 1 day at a time. You are not alone. The first thing I did when my mom was "diagnosed" was to educate myself on the progression of the disease. That's not to say knowing what may eventually transpire prepares you for it, but at least the terms, behaviors and loss of abilities of a dementing illness will not be completely foreign to you. You may want to purchase the "Savvy Caregiver" 4 DVD set, they were extremely helpful to me. Also, it seems difficult at times to ask for help, but you must. If you don't build a care team, including adult day care, if there is a good facility nearby, then do some research with your local area on aging. I know, that sounds tedious, but it must be done. Attending 2 caregiver support groups a month has been a God send to me as well as keeping my faith in God and going to mass each week. With the support of others, it does get more bearable during difficult times. Please know caring for someone else is a gift that you decide how much to give. Everyone is different and you must decide what makes sense for you and what will keep your mom safe. God bless you and know that you are not alone. Seek the support of others, even if it is only 2 people.

I cared for my mother for four (hellish) years before she went in a NH in November 2012 and I was on the receiving end of constant screaming phone calls which make me unwell and shaky for 24 hours. I've threatened a number of times to change my phone number and yesterday I did it. What spurred me to take action? Last week driving locally I got a sort of hot flash and my vision went blurry for a few seconds. My mother has had strokes, her mother and sister both dropped dead with stroke so it frightened the life out of me. It was a wake up call.

The new number won't take effect for a couple of days and my mother was able to call me this afternoon, not nasty this time but she'd received a greeting card and someone stole it. People are always stealing her stuff {sigh}.

I met with the NH admin this morning and we decided on fibs. Come a time when she tries to call and gets "no longer in service" staff will tell her my phone's out of order. When I visit and she asks about it I'm going to say I rarely use it so I'm just using my cell now but there's no point in her having the number because I only turn it on when I want to call someone.

Of course I'll still visit, get her shopping, ensure she has all she needs and take care of her affairs but I'm finally free!! It hasn't quite sunk in yet!

Is your mother my mother? Maybe you and I are not only children after all; because you just told my story almost verbatim... I wish I had advice, but I am in your boat.

Countrymouse--what you wrote, in a word, HILARIOUS

karenp, thanks so much for the suggestion! I totally agree with you on your position to neither agree or disagree with someone who has the only ticket to their particular view of reality yet expects those around them to buy in to it. To say NOTHING is a very good answer indeed. It's non-confrontational and admits to nothing.
It's hard for war to be waged alone, in the battle of words, saying nothing guarantees we don't end up among the enlisted! Nor does it require compromising our moral values (such as what happens when we agree with an untruth as if it were true which is being untrue about an untruth lol).
I am thinking that nothing is a good response to a great many things people say when what they have said has no merit, truth, or purpose.
Plus it's quite easy :)
Works for me!
And yes, it is still possible to indulge in the occasional battle of words, when one has the energy. It would seem that if confrontations are rare than a confrontation every now and then would probably have more impact or at least give the person a surprise now and then lol
This situation has all the ingredients for a good episode of "The Twilight Zone."

glennaruth, your client is VERY fortunate to have a loving person to take care of her needs. Not just that, but someone who is not even related to her, yet takes the time to come online to try to get additional pointers!

I came to the realization a long time ago that there is NO winning with my mother. If she says the sky is pink, it is. If she says she's only been in assisted living for "days" (it's been almost a year), then so be it.

This is what I do, and it works:
She says something untrue
I don't say "no mom, not true, here is the truth....."
I don't say "oh yes, you're so right mom"
Instead I say NOTHING

I'm not going to disagree with her. It does nothing except stroke my ego so that I know I'm right and she's wrong. And the repercussions? Her angry, hurt. Me angry, hurt. So I get my ego boost eleswhere.

I'm not going to agree with her. Maybe others out there WILL say "yep mom, the sky is a lovely shade of pink." I can't say that. I just can't.

So.....I change the subject to ANYTHING.

Hey mom, wanna grab an icecream.
Mom, you look so beautiful today
Mom, when did you get those shoes? (really not expecting a truthful answer here, just a lovely and welcome diversion)

There is NO winning with dementia. It's an evil, insidious beast.

The only winning is in NOT allowing it to eat you alive. And that my friends, is often hard to do. When my mom starts to argue with me, I think of ANYTHING to divert her attention, and it works 99.9% of the time.

In the past, when I HAD to "tell her the truth" it resulted in us both going down the drain together. I am only human. I have to fight the urge to tell her the truth, every single time I am with her. And most of the time I sigh inside and just divert her attention. When I am feeling particularly depressed/unhappy/righteous/angry/dictatorial, I argue back so that we can then BOTH feel like crap. See what I mean? All arguing with them does is destroy you BOTH! Don't let i!

Reading the original poster's question and the replies to her posting has been very helpful to me. Especially in light of a recent change in a client whom I provide caregiving.
I will be using some of this advice as I begin my journey into the daily challenge of caring for someone with dementia. This client was one of the most kind and patient persons, sharp and capable. Up until a few months ago I enjoyed a relationship with her that was centered around the assistance I provide by doing household work, shopping, errands and etc.
But recently, I begin to notice a change in her attitude, fortitude and mental ability. It came so subtlely that I admit I did not handle my response to some of her behavior as I would have had I recognized early what appears to be behind the behavior. She is definitely showing signs of dementia. Whatever the cause behind it is, she is showing the symptoms.
Anyway my continuing in my usual way with her after these changes in her mental outlook was apparently beyond her ability to deal with. As a result, she unloaded on me (yesterday) with a verbal reaming that was hard to hear, she said some very hurtful things and with a venom I had never seen in her.
I bit my tongue, swallowed my heart, and thankfully kept my mouth shut. I didn't try and defend myself and I agreed with her that she didn't need stress in her life. I told her I had not intentionally acted in a way to cause her stress and that I appreciated her being candid with me and that I would act in accordance with how she described she wanted things to be. She told me she wanted quiet and peace in her home, did not want me to be so "noisy" or to make noise etc. Later I asked her how I had done and she stated that she thought I was pouting! Shades of the no-win scenario. I simply told her that I do not pout and that my quietness was in respect to her request. Which it was and I had no animosity in my behavior. It was unfair of her to ask me to not talk and then state that I, because I wasn't talking, was pouting, but there you have it. (The question I ask myself is how much of this can I respond to calmly and without anger? and the answer I tell myself is "I'll see")
Afterwards , on the drive home, I vented. This morning, I wept. And prayed.
Finally, I came to this site and read postings to gain some insight and some knowledge as I realize that I am facing the same challenges that so many are and have been facing.
I also realize that I have lost the companionship I had enjoyed with her and which I don't have expectation of regaining.
She may not be a relative, but I love her as if she were and with this comes the potential for loss and grief.
Now it will be time for me to learn just what I am made of. I believe I love her, it's time to prove that love. It will be tested sorely, I can gleam that from reading what you all have said before me here.
Even if she has all this time been nothing more than a manipulative and selfish person, I can still provide the best care I am capable of providing, knowing in my heart that the things she tells me about myself are for the most part not about me at all, but about her pain, her medications, frustrations and mental impairment.
I am not going to contradict her, correct her or talk over her. I'm going to listen to her when she is lucid and when she is not, I will be careful to be attentive but I will retain none of it.
And especially, when she tells me that she loves me, I won't think to myself about how little she shows me love, I will instead think of how I can show her my love. I don't expect anything of her. I expect of myself. I can forgive her and I can forgive myself if I stumble along the way.. That's what is most important.
Thank you all who have written for sharing your experiences and insights because they have been of much help to me and I am sure they will continue to be of help.
Oh, I will add, in case any of you are wondering, there has not been a change in my behavior or my treatment of my client in the past few months (she pointed out that I had changed in the last few months) at least as far as my subjective opinion is concerned, however, there has been a change in health and in circumstances in my client's life recently. It would appear, that I , the closest one to her, will be the outlet for her various negative emotions. It goes with the territory, I know.
I will write again and update how I am handling this unanticipated and challenging change in my client.

OMG countrymouse I LOVE you!! Your suggestion above is freaking awesome. What a brain you have!! love it!

Well, as it turned out, the interruption was à propos. E.g. you type in: "Mother claims she "can't find" the TV schedule in the newspaper (not that surprising, given that she's looking at the business section)." Then you press Options.

Your objectivometer displays a) b) etc. options, e.g.:

a) check when the news is on, because you know that's what she wants to know, turn on the TV for her, swap her glasses over and check the subtitles are switched on;
b) turn to the correct page of the paper for her;
c) remind her that she knows very well how to find the TV schedule, and that you will come back when you've finished what you're doing to check she's had more luck;
d) fly into a screaming rage about endless trivial requests, smash the TV to pieces and storm out of the room.

Each option would carry a mark ranging from 0 (caring to the point of disabling your loved-one) to 10 (are you sure you should be doing this job?). The really clever bit, which shouldn't be impossible in our age of microcomputers and algorithms, is that the device would be preloaded with exhaustive, updateable detail about the cared-for person: age, sex, health conditions, mental health, lifestyle manner to which he/she is accustomed, good day/bad day, and so on.

Or you could swap it round. You type in: "mother claims she is made to feel such a burden." Then you press "Guilt."

a) You have suggested she might like to spend a little time with friends or family;
b) You have suggested getting some outside help;
c) You have suggested she consider ALF;
d) You have told her she is a burden.

And, again, you can check your 0-10 reading to see how appropriate the guilt you actually feel is.

You get the gist. Fortunately AC works almost as well. And there goes the beeper… Wonder how she's getting on with the TV schedule?

I hope I'll be forgiven for straying into science fiction territory, but I wish we could all come equipped with a reality-checking device - the ObJectiveOmeter, I'd call it - to help us distinguish between reasonable and unreasonable demands from the people we care for.

E.g. you type in: "I -

oh damn the beeper's going. Back in a while…!

Nikki99, THANK YOU for venting on my question! It's important that we all share how we feel. Mom is in assisted living now and it's the best thing I ever did.
My advise to you is to encourage her to find a place where she "isn't lonely." You are not a devoted 8 year old daughter with no responsibilities. You are a grown woman with a family and tons of responsibilities. You are NOT a failure. You obviously love your mother. She is LUCKY to have you.

I hear a lot of similarities with your mother and mine. I let the guilt get to me as well. It ate me up inside and I felt like crap. Since my mom has dementia I can speak from experience: Change the living situation. Things will get WORSE as her world gets smaller and smaller and she will rely on you even more.

You have two choices:
1. You can BOTH maintain your misery and unhappiness (clearly she's not happy either), or
2. You can change the situation so at least YOU are happy

She will likely never be happy. Her happy days diminish as dementia takes over

Ashlynne, thanks for answering. I hope this answer can help the original poster of the question as well.
My mom constantly tells me she has plenty of money and she worked hard for it (yeah for 15 years. Dad built his own business and invested in stocks. THAT is why she has money.) - She always gets her hair done 1x a week since I can remember. Daddy always said "If you want it, buy it!" (I think just to be left alone to his newspaper to be honest) - He kept her very comfortable. He was a beautiful man, inside and out.
I talked to her this morning. I called and when she answered, I said "how are you?" (I could hear the "woe is me" voice already) and she said she felt tired, not well.... weak. (guilt guilt... from the phone call the night before) - I said mom from now on you need to come over and get a plate if you want dinner. I cook every night. She responded, "I feel like a burden....." I said you are not a burden; I already cook for 4. 1 more is not a burden. I also told her she needs a social life. Let's go to the Senior Center. She adamantly refused. "I don't want THEM! I will worry about THEIR ailments! I don't want to hear their problems....besides... I HAVE YOU!"
UGH!!!!!!!!

Nikki my mother was the same. All her life everything has been about her. Although she had everyone believe she wore the trousers and took care of everything, when my father passed 15 years ago she had no idea how to pay a bill or licence the car as he had always taken care of everything while her life revolved around shopping, getting her hair done and having a good time. He busted his chops for over 50 years to give her everything she wanted but it was never quite good enough and she treated him like dirt.

The big house they shared was sold, the contents put in storage and she (and her 3 dogs) came to live with me in my apartment for 9 months of living hell. She eventually bought a lovely little house near where they used to live but of course it wasn't good enough and she bought a huge house she really couldn't afford to keep, heating was kept to a minimum and turned off at supper time no matter how cold it was.

In 09 I sold my home, quit my career and moved to care for her (Parkinsons & dementia) for four years of nightmare, housebound at her demanding, nasty beck and call 24/7. Living far away I had no idea how bad she was either. She never had any friends, either alienated or avoided the neighbours so I was "it".

She's in a NH now unable to do anything for herself, mostly bed ridden, barely able to speak and her dementia is full blown. She's been unable to dial the phone for some months and for some time when I called her I couldn't understand her. I'm the only one that calls or visits so I've had the phone cut off (saving $45 a month) but left the actual phone as she won't remember it doesn't work.

She's deteriorating rapidly and the NH calls me for every little thing - 4 calls late Christmas eve alone - to the point I'm always anxious and dread the phone ringing. I've turned the ringer off so any calls go to voice mail.

I don't know what to suggest except getting her evaluated and perhaps into assisted living, however if she won't let anyone in the house (mine wouldn't either) she's unlikely to agree to an evaluation. Is there some social agency you can contact for advice and possible options? In any event, you cannot go on like this as you will make yourself ill and your own family must be suffering terribly.

I also want to apologize for venting on your question. I wish I could offer you some advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
If I could give you advice, I would say you have to stand your ground and put yourself first. The thing is, I know you aren't doing that because you are worried mom won't understand....the guilt, the look of abandonment in her eyes when she stares at you. I know you are trying to be everything to everyone. I get it.

Countrymouse: I am the one being cared for. My son and his two daughters live with me due to a crisis in their family. The situation is that they cannot live any place else. Their father, my son has been verbally abusive for years and always has to be right. Your words " you cannot make a deeply unhappy person happy. Thank you for reminding me of this. Namaste...oliveoyl

I just wanted to say that I am in the same frustrating boat, almost identical. When my father died in 2009, (lucid and sharp as a tack in the hospital), one of the last things he did was make me promise to take care of my mother; to which I responded "of course". He and mom had been married for 67 years. I am an only child. My mother and I sparred a lot when I was growing up. She was more like a sister in my eyes...very naive, very clueless about a lot of things in life. Dad "took" care of her her entire life. So when he died, we were both lost. In 2010, the following year, I moved her down to my state of Florida. There was a house for sale across the street. She bought it and has been here going on 4 years now. If I had known then what I know now, I don't know if I could do it over again.

Because I didn't live near her in the past, I didn't realize how bad she was getting. Over the past 3 years, her memory is going, but it's selective, it seems. She is now worse. Forgetting to take her pills, asking the same questions over and over...telling me "we never had that conversation" about something the very next day...repetitive conversations...getting hooked on one thing (i.e. Did you turn in the winning bingo card for Publisher's Clearing House yet??? asking 2-3x a day)... But that isn't the worst part of it. Not only is she putting freezer food in the fridge, where it gets mushy. Not only is does her house smell like piss because she won't let her 2 year old Maltese in the yard to pee. Not only has she become a shopaholic borderline hoarder of fake flowers and stuffed animals..... no it's worse than that.

She doesn't want any other "friends". Everyone is a stranger, she says. Well, yes, everyone IS a stranger until you BEFRIEND them. She has no interest. None. She says "I just want you."

Well, that's fine and dandy but I have a 13 year old, 17 year old, and a partner of my own that I need to have time with. I have a house to clean here; meals to prepare; laundry, etc. I have a life here paying my bills. Keeping my own house in order, and now I find:

I have to pay all her bills because she loses them, doesn't understand them, etc. We spend time every day with her asking me to explain her mail to her.

She thinks Publisher's Clearing House is going to pop up at her front door with a big check. So she keeps throwing the papers at me every time they come in, insisting that HER bingo is the winning bingo. (I tried telling her EVERYONE gets a bingo but she insists she has won something...)

She does not drive. She tells me every single day she needs to get out of the house. I take her out EVERY DAY to the same stores. Grocery maybe 5x a week. She cannot make a list and just go one time a week. She has to buy one thing, then the next day she wants something else. She has a closet PACKED with new with tag clothes. She is buying more.

She has no appetite. She is 5'0" and weighs about 90 lbs. If I don't cook for her, she will not make anything. So, every night, I make dinner and run like the galloping gourmet across the street to her house, where I deliver a ready to eat plate of dinner. She will not come here to eat. She doesn't want to leave her dog. (I have 4 cats so bringing the dog here is not a good idea.) I lay her pills out every evening at dinner, turn her little TV on, set her place at her kitchen table, etc. Then I run home to eat.

She doesn't ever want to come here to visit. I don't know why. She wants me THERE. She lives ACROSS THE STREET I don't understand, if she's so lonely and bored, she is not willing to come over while I fold my laundry or do my dishes and sit and have a cup of coffee. No. She wants all the attention HER way. She wants me to sit WITH HER and I have 2 households I am trying to maintain here.

Last night was my breaking point. I had taken her out (as I do EVERY DAMN DAY) - I even asked, Mom, WHERE do you want to go? It's Sunday and my bf finally has a day off.... after 9 days working. I would like a LITTLE time with him. She said, "I don't care if we drive around the block 10x. I just need to get out today and see something." So I took her to Wal-Mart. She bought shrimp and told me she would make her own dinner tonight...with rice. I said great. Then I will have leftovers at my place.

We get home. She calls every hour for nothing, incidentally. Finally, it's 6:30 and I called her. I said did you eat? No. I'm not hungry I just had coffee.... ok.. I said do you want me to make you a plate tonight? No. I want my shrimp and rice later... I will make it. I said ok then I will talk to you later.

9:00 she called me and asked me (DEMANDED TO KNOW) why i didn't call her or bring her dinner. I explained she told me at 6:30 she was making shrimp and she retorted I DID NOT! I said yes you did, mom. She said I can't believe you didn't call me. You always bring me a plate. I'm sorry I bothered you...I think you're a terrible daughter...and she started crying, threatening to sell her house and move. I'm ashamed but I got mad. I said I DID CALL YOU...she said whatever.... by this time she is basically saying I'm going to bed.... I did not eat dinner... I had nothing all night.

She is, and has always been, a "woe is me" type... but now it's getting worse. I am expected to be her everything. She will not go play bingo at the senior center unless I am sitting next to her playing too. She will not make friends. Another senior in the neighborhood tried to befriend her. My mom said "she scares me..." I said why? She said, "She is too tall."

Mom has mild-moderate dementia. Does this always lead to AD?
I don't know what to do anymore. She is like taking care of a spoiled bored and lonely child and I feel guilty for needing time to myself.
She refuses to let any "strangers" into her home.

thank God I am durable power of attorney over the finances and her health. But I am really stuck as to what to do here. She is not so far gone that I can "force" her to let a companion into her house, but I need a rest. It has been almost 4 years just about every single day I am at her beckon call.

One time I took a day, after preparing her, for myself. ONE DAY. I went to an amusement park. She called me a couple times laying guilt on me, saying she felt like an orphan and would spend the day talking to her furniture waiting for me to get home.

Another time, recently, we went to her bank to get my name added onto her checking account. She understood it, signed the papers, and everyone told her this was a good protective measure to take, in the case something happened to her. She is 90. She agreed. 2 weeks later, her statement came. She flipped her lid when she saw my name on it, telling me she never agreed to put me on the account. For the record, I have not touched one dime, nor would I. But it really hit home that she hasn't an idea what's going on from one day to the next.

What do I do? She is lucid and sharp sometimes. Other times forgetting the simplest things, and lately she is telling me she is going to move to where she won't be so "lonely". I feel like a failure and she will not allow anyone else into her life. "SHE WANTS ME". Help ?

Countrymouse, really NO need to apologize at all!! Thanks for your positive comments!

I do apologise about the time-frame, Karen - that's not what it said in the margin where I saw your question!

And I am so happy that you took charge, brilliant. Well Done You xxx

It's been an entire YEAR since I posted this. So much has changed. I put my mom in assisted living and it's the BEST thing I ever did. I have not abandoned her, and willingly take her meds over there and do her laundry (even though they could I still prefer to know her meds are correctly ordered and her laundry is not lost). I see her about 3 times a week. Does she still complain? Oh hell yeah. The only difference is that I am the one in control now. And I am a thousand percent happier now than I was a year ago.

To all of you who are financially able to have your parent in assisted living but are feeling guilty about it, and hating your life because of it; DO IT!! You won't regret it if you do, but you will regret it if you don't.

Karen, I recommend you buy this book: Boundaries Book and Workbook
By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend. It is a paperback and not expensive. I was raised and treated in a similar manner as a child and now, have a mother who acts very similar. I, too, was drowning and depressed with my parents demands. This book helped immensely and will also help in all other areas of life. The others are correct, that arguing with or telling a dementia pt that they are wrong, only escalates behaviors. I didn't know this when my Dad was still home, but observed the increased fighting between him and my Mom. I understand now, that because Mom was and still is, a big nagger, who always has to be right...as Dad's dementia got worse, he could no longer tolerate her constantly telling him what he had to do, and how he had forgotten this or that or lost this or that or how she had to 'fix' things for him. He had always been able to 'enable' her, but going along to get along, but his brain wouldn't let him control his thoughts or behavior anymore and he was struggle with not wanting to see that he was getting worse. Ex. he would forget to take his meds. She would tell him he didn't do it...and he forgot. He would say that he had taken them and that 'someone was messing with his med box'. She would fight....and then, either he would take them, and perhaps have taken a double dose, or she would call me who lives 5 hrs away to 'talk some sense into him'. I didn't understand all this early on. NOW....ex: I phoned him on Veteran's Day to thank him for serving in WWII. I always have done this and reminded him that he is MY favorite soldier. He tells me about how General Eisenhower had stopped to visit with him during the night last night. OF course, I know he's somewhere else in his mind....but I 'go along'....and encourage him to talk. I say things like ," Wow...that must have been interesting! What did you talk about?" Depending on what he says, I might try to reorient by saying..." That's strange Dad. I thought I've read that Eisenhower died a few years ago?" Generally he might say OH YEAh...that's right, I must have been dreaming....or he might argue a bit and tell me more. Then, I would say, 'What time was this" and he says, Oh I don't know...in the middle of the night sometime' and I might softly suggest " Do you think you could have been dreaming that if it was middle of the night?" In variably, he will agree that he was probably dreaming and he will be able to pull the info out of his head that Eisenhower did die. And he will laugh and say, " You know, my memory isn't what it used to be at all!" And I will say, Well, you are still my favorite soldier and I will love no matter what happens to your memory or anything else'. Bottom line, I now understand, they want to KNOW that they are loved, respected, cared about as a person, and that they WILL BE SAFE...because they know they are losing it and are NOT safe by themselves. But...YOU...the caretaker, needs to NOT take abuse either. This book helps you learn that, and learn what to say and how to say it. It teaches you how to repeat the same answer over and over and NOT get hooked by the manipulation. And it teaches how NOT to give out more information about something that will give the other person more things to complain or manipulate you about. For example....you can't visit on Wednesday because you are doing something else. There is no need to give out the info that you are going to the movies with friends and leaving Mom at home alone. You simply give the info she needs to know she will be safe and the timing of when you are not available. When she pushes about why or where or what you are doing or with whom....you learn to simply repeat the same short sentence and work to change the subject. That is one technique. Changing the subject is another, or making a joke of her demand is another. Bottom line, you are an adult woman on your own, and you don't have to explain everything to anyone! Your main job with your mother is to assure she is SAFE! That's it. You are not responsible for making her happy, or for doing everything when or how she wants it done. Just because you are her daughter, doesn't give her anymore rights to YOU, than anyone else has....beyond you assuring that she is safe. I urge you to order the book or find it at the Library.

Darling, I love my mother too, as you do. I live with her, she needs care 24/7, she's physically frail (but doesn't agree she is), deaf as a post, early to mid-stage dementia - I can relate very well to the tedium and the frustration you describe.

Now, here are the big differences.

One: I volunteered for this. Nobody made me. My mother didn't ask - I suggested, she accepted. If - I can't imagine how, but if - it ever came to pass that I really couldn't cope with her care, I would feel under no obligation to continue.

Two: my mother, though a depressive and at times unbelievably negative and insecure, is a sweetheart. She irritates the bejesus out of me, sometimes, but it's not because she's demanding or unkind.

Now then. How is your mother able so successfully to pull this MASSIVE guilt trip on you? How is she able to "make" you spend one second more in her company than you willingly agree to? She may think it's your duty. What on earth makes you agree so wholeheartedly?!

STOP VOLUNTEERING!

I'm sorry your mother has had her lifetime of insecurity. But it's not your fault. It is therefore not your responsibility to try to correct it, even if you could (believe me, you can't). Are you still surprised that your father didn't want to spend all his leisure time with her? Sensible man, to keep his sanity through outside interests. Otherwise someone else might have been glad he didn't have a gun…

Do what you can do for your mother without losing your marbles. Cut back the hours you spend with her to a schedule you can cope with cheerfully, getting in more outside help as required. Take her to the cinema once a week, for example, and amuse yourself by betting internally on what she's going to dislike most this time. My daughter told me a joke about this (context being her other grandmother) - two elderly ladies are having lunch in a restaurant. Waiter goes over to them and says: "is anything all right?"

Your filial duty extends to ensuring her welfare. Nowhere in any good book does it say that this means you have to do the work, let alone most of the work, certainly let alone all the work. Make sure that no harm will come to her, and that's you done. Anything more is purely VOLUNTARY. You choose to do it, or you don't. It is not up to your mother to decide.

Your diary, similarly, is not in your mother's hands. It is yours to fill as you wish. Do so.

Your mother will complain bitterly. And? So? What will happen when she does? Nothing will happen, except more complaints. Hang up, or leave the room, whichever applies. Come back when you're good and ready. If you can't leave for safety reasons, then just don't listen - say "blah blah blah" or sing or whatever helps you ignore her.

Your mother is old, she needs your help; but it's time you took control of both of your lives. Her unhappiness is not your fault. Always, always remember that you cannot make a deeply unhappy person happy. If you continue to sacrifice your own welfare to this futile crusade, you are on a hiding to nothing.

31 answers in 10 minutes since you posted? Yes, I think it's fair to say you're not alone!

I'm going through this exact thing with my mother. The solution is to not care, let the system sort them out, meals on wheels, social workers and so on. There is nothing you can do, they demand so much attention and I have been driven to smashing my head into shop windows, slashing my wrists and hitting myself in the head with my fists and a variety of objects. I hope she advances very rapidly to the point where she does not remember me, then I will have peace to get on with my life. I've realised that when I don't care, things are better for me, someone in the system will look after her, she get's her meals and so on. No amount of worrying or trying to explain even the simplest logic is going to do anything at all. I am an only child so I am getting the full on one to one life wrecking treatment. Soon the system will take her away from her home and put her in elderly care. I already had her in once place, it was the best I could find, I was very proud and beside myself for finding it and getting her in. On the 2nd day she called me and screamed at me asking why I put her in a mental institution, all because a few people in there were demented. She swore at staff she did not like and complained about every little thing, yes she complained about the cup of tea a staff member made for her. I spent hours talking to her with the head nurse about why she could not leave the building on her own, the next day she phoned and said I had not visited her for a week. Always misplacing her handbag she called the police and accused me of stealing it, when they found out what was happening they ignored her calls, she then had someone else call the police on to me. 50+ phone calls to me in one day all gone to message bank because the network had a problem, so she calls the police on to me. Hundreds of calls to care services that they must phone me to say they can not function with the constant interruption. At one stage I was getting at least 4 calls per day from doctor's, she had been to every doctor in the town, shopkeepers and so on, it's like the whole town has my phone number now. She writes my name and phone number everywhere, I gave her two blank books which she filled in no time. She called the operator several times to complain why a certain phone number was not answering, it was her number. I can go on, the events are endless. I have major depressive disorders and tried explaining this to her that she must settle down or her only son will become ill, which I am. I became so exhausted and depressed from all of this that I could not walk due to the pain in my knees, I also had a sexual disfunction from it, that was the last straw. My girlfriend of 10 years is also in tears from seeing me cry, hurt myself and lose interest in everything. For the last 2 weeks I have been sleeping a few hours at a time here and there, I am frightened of my phone ringing, sometimes I hear noised like beeps and tones when I'm shopping and they make me jump. One time I went to the shops but took the wrong turn at every intersection, when I u turned I would then make the same mistake at the next intersection. I can't get into my car because I have some ocd rituals I must perfrom, anyone walking past, driving past or loud noises mean I have to start them over again. I was almost over this but her dementia made it come back worse than ever, I'm so exhausted and sometimes afraid of going out because I'm sick of the ocd. It is constant arguing over the phone, people listen to it, they hear me wishing I was dead and telling her to die. Some people get involved and end up saying they thought I was a bad person but now understand. I am sure people have called the police for me shouting and swearing into my phone. I have destroyed 4 phone by snapping then in half, jumping on them, throwing, stabbing with a knife and driving over them. This has been happening for 5 years with the phone, I'm not sure how much of it was dementia from her, I think we are too quick to diagnose dementia, it's just her becoming more of a pain than she has been for most of her life, she has always criticised everyone and everything as well as being so paranoid, no wonder I have depression, I told her it's from her, she can't understand depression and makes jokes about it, it's something the older generation can not grasp, one day during an argument I cut my arm open and chased her around with blood dripping out, she ended up crying and screaming for me to stop, I felt so satisfied that I finally made her feel pain as a result of her. Everything wrong with my life is her fault, I was too tired to fix the cracked tiles on my roof, for month's I lay in bed, just eating and going to the toilet were major tasks, 10 mins of talking with her would deplete my entire day's energy. I have many repairs that have piles up, the roof leaked and now I need a new ceiling, insurance covers it but it's all a hassle. My car needs many repairs which I'm not getting around to which anyone that knew me would not believe as I was such a car fanatic. A social worker put her in another home for respite but she escaped a few times so they had to move her into the secure dementia area. Not wanting to be moved she resisted and somehow ended with bruises over her arms, she knocked one of the staff to the floor as well. She is very clever, deceiving and manipulative, I think when people get old they just hate everyone because they know they don't have much time left. Once she went to the hospital every day for more than a week, by ambulance to emergency but they would not admit her into a bed because she had been there a few times pretending to be sick. When they finally admitted her she wanted to run out. One time I visited her and she accused me of putting her in prison as she describes it. She turned the entire ward into disarray taking up everyone's time, they had to call an extra nurse to duty to keep her calmed. That did not work, the nurse was calling me 3 times per day so I could calm my mother down. Yes, just hurry up and die, I need to learn not to care. I think she is more trouble in a facility or hospital to me than when she lives at home. I am frightened that when they do force her into a home I may end up killing myself from listening to her complaining. I warned her several times after her first aged care facility to stop seeing doctors for no reason and going to the hospital as well else the system will step in and force her. In the most recent facility she called me at 10pm saying the staff punched her. After a long drive and questioning her it was a lie. The next day I took her out of respite and while removing the television from the wall she distracted everyone making a fuss about a scarf she lost and I ended holding it against the wall by myself. It was too heavy and despite my yelling for help, her distractive powers were too much and it ripped it self out of the plaster with the remaining screws and gave me a hernia above my belly button. The chain of events of disasters these people can make are mind boggling. I still have my garage disorganised from having all the items from her first move which was supposed to be permanent cluttering up the place. I have lost things in there and the deley caused by this resulted in a car accident, if I had not been at that intersection at that time there would have been no accident, so yes I blame it on her. The tripping over things that are out of place and so on, the list goes on. I am not giving her advice anymore because she does not listen, she has never listened to anyone her entire life, that's a personality trait not dementia. Because she is no manipulative I believe she can realise the consequences of her actions, she just does not admit it and gets angry when pushed into a corner that there is no way for her to worm her way out of. I am now saying things like this is all your fault, I had nothing to do with it. She refuses to shower and uses a wetted hand towel over the sink, someone now comes to shower her. Before that she would stink out any room she walked into. Our attempts to educate her in hygene resulted in harsh screaming at us. Yes everyone is liar according to her, she went to the doctor last week for no reason and will not admit to it accusing everyone of being a liar and saying they are up to something to put her away. Then she says she was there, then she says she was not there, I have never seen that doctor I don't know where that clinic is. It's all pointless, just let it all go and let happen what happens, that's what my girlfriend says. She pointed out that everything I have done to help her she has undone, so give up. My doctor says to just agree with her and say yes mum, yes, yes on the phone. I try very hard but she just has a way of getting a hook in my mouth. Slowly I'm getting better at ignoring her. The machine is broken and it does not know it is broken, so how can it have any insight to correct it self ! Looking back, every attempt at explaining anything has been a waste of time.

People with dementia have been bad all their lives, normal people just grow old and fade away quietly. These people all had serious personality disorders for most of their lives.

Sounds like she's manipulating you through guilt big time. All my life guilt, threats and whining were my mother's favourite weapons. She never had any interests apart from her looks, shopping and striving for the biggest and best of everything. My poor father RIP busted his chops trying to make her happy but nothing was ever good enough and she treated he and I like dirt. Wherever she lived she alienated the neighbours and the few friends she ever had. She's been in a NH just over a year with Parkinsons and dementia.

Yesterday before supper she decided to look in her closet. She can't stand alone, the bed alarm went off and they found her on the floor with a skinned finger. On blood thinners, it wouldn't stop bleeding so they sent her to hospital by ambulance for stitches - I can't lift her into my truck and the NH staff aren't allowed to help.

I called her today and she was thoroughly angry I didn't rush to sit with her and keep her company while she waited at the hospital. a) I live out in the country, it's pitch dark, freezing cold and snowing plus I have physical issues of my own b) I've had a couple of glasses of wine (it's Christmas Day) and I'm not driving, and c) Over the years I cared for her I can't remember how many times I called an ambulance in the middle of the night, had blood all over the house and spent hundreds of hours in ER waiting rooms, so a skinned finger is somewhat trivial don't you think?

Never mind, I should have rushed to sit and keep her company. This from a woman who refused to lift a finger to help her parents when they were old and in poor shape. I don't feel guilty at all. About time she pulled on a pair of big girl panties and learned the world doesn't revolve around "me, me, me".

Set boundaries and stand your ground!

I recently heard the term "therapeutic lying" used to describe the lies we tell those with dementia who are living in a different reality than ours. I am trying to think up some therapeutic lies to tell my mother when she adamantly insists she can return to live on her own after having two doctors tell us she needs to be in an assisted living dementia unit. We finally got her in one near my home but only after her spending a week in a psych unit where they put her on medication to help with her
poor judgement and danger to herself behavior.
My biggest struggle is guilt that I can't handle her by myself and a wish that I could make things better for her. When she complains and asks me if I understand why she wants to leave it really pushes my guilt buttons and I am going to go back into therapy to figure out ways to help myself be stronger and less susceptible to her mood swings.

a wonderful comment and wroth repeating - you are important too. I am important too. We matter too. Courage fellow caregivers!

Oh Boy do I know where your at. My father lives alone, has heart issues, dementia and refuses to tend to his needs. He throws tirades if he doesn't get his way, he is basicly a shut in because he doesn't drive any more. His house is in disrepair and not equipted for an elderly person to live in but he insists on staying there. Last week he instilled so much guilt into me I was ready for a padded cell and a straight jacket. I joined a support group, got a prescription of Zoloft and started a self help work book to deal with the anxiety and depression. Then I called Social Services to come in and help. If worst comes to worst I'll have to have the court system make him go into assisted living. I know this sounds rash and cold but praying to God to take your life or your parents is a cry for help. Shooting your parent isn't going to resolve anything. Get help now!!!! You have to be in a good place mentally and physically in order to help your parent. Your not being selfish, your important too.

We are dealing with alzheimers compounded by stroke. By the grace of God, we have Hospice. My dad has been under Hospice care for over a year now. Without them, I don't know where we would be. My parents are young. In their early 70's. My mom is caring for my dad because she wants to keep him home as long as possible. We have two different caregivers as well as my siblings. We all take turns going over and helping. Sometimes it is only for an hour, but it makes a huge difference to a person that is dealing with such life stealing disease as alzheimers. It doesn't just steal the life of the person suffering, but all those around them. But you CANNOT let it consume you. My mother finally started to understand that at some point she had to start letting go. It was hard in the beginning, but now I think she sees that a gradual "letting go" is better than having to all at once. I hate leaving my parents. But there are days when I literally leave and shut it out of my brain. It has taken me awhile to learn. But I do feel better about their situation. You might check and see if your mom is eligible for Hospice services. There is a lot of misconception about it. It saved us.