How to convince someone with dementia that something occurred, even though she can't remember?
Mom has dementia and can't remember things for more than a few minutes. She usually doesn't remember what she did or where she went the next day. She obsesses and worries about things and won't let up. The latest was her flu shot, which she got last week at the doctor office when she had a physical. She is convinced she didn't have the shot, and no matter how many times I tell her she did (I was right there when she got it and I explain over and over). I write it on the blackboard in her apt, write it on a piece of paper in her bedroom, tape it to the refrigerator. She erases what I write or writes over it "did not get" and writes little notes on pieces of paper. We have been over it at least 5 times in the past two days, and we think we have her convinced, she says I understand. Then in a few hours later, here we go again. I don't know what else to do, it gets her really upset, and we aren't able to calm her stress for more than a short time before she starts in again. We have been going through this over so many things, like she thought someone replaced her diamond with a fake, or she thinks she has a medical appointment when she went to it the day before, or other weird fears. Once she gets herself upset about something she won't let it go. Is there a drug that might help her? I hate to see her so stressed, hate getting phone call after phone call, and its stressful for the family. We are waiting for a room at assisted living as she can no longer live alone without some oversight. I know dementia can't be helped much, but I hate seeing her go through this kind of thing time after time.
That your mother has Vascular Dementia is Not Your Fault.
That you collapsed is Not Your Fault.
That you now have epilepsy is Not Your Fault.
That Mom is losing memory of you is Not Your Fault.
That you can't visit as often as you would like is Not Your Fault.
Feeling guilty seems to go with caregiving, even though there is seldom logical reason for it. If you can't fully push the guilt off your load, at least shove it to the farthest corner and try not to pay much attention to it.
You slept at your mother's house to give her peace. You cared for her for two years. You studied her disease and learned to cope with it, you placed her where she could get the care she needs. You have a lot to be proud of. Embrace it!
"I'll take your ring into the jeweler and have it appraised so we know for sure if it is real."
"Oh, I'm so sorry I forget to tell you. That appointment had to be rescheduled."
Don't try to reason with her or expect to accept "the truth" -- just calm her in the moment. If she brings it up tomorrow, give her the same answer. If she remembers enough to ask if you've taken the ring in, for example, say "Yes, and I'll get the answer tomorrow."
Trying to convince her of what really happened will only frustrate you in the long run, and not help her at all.
I don't have this issue as of yet with my 90+ parents, but I have been doing a lot of reading about memory loss. Many has suggested to just agree with what one's parent is saying and try to re-direct that parent to something else, like the weather or a TV show. Thus, if your Mom can't or doesn't think she had a flu shot [even though she did have her shot], tell her she will get a flu shot next week [or whatever].