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Weird... My beloved kitty was taken away from me due to "allergies" and I was so upset by that. I have 3 cats now, just fine. Pets were ok but only on mom's terms. I found a kitten outside one summer, and got to keep it. Except mom did everything she could to keep it from ever bonding with me. If it was near me she would take it away and give it a treat. Over & over & over. Just to manipulate. Just to keep me from having a pet.
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These sad damaged people are not able to heal themselves or seek healing because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. The whole world owes them something, that is what makes them so unpleasant to be around. They did not set out to be this way and probably wish they felt differently but their emotional cores are so bent out of shape they can not feel for others. What made them this way? We don't know but we feel we have to have a connection because they gave us life. We even feel that they deserve to be loved. I think it is very importent to be honest about our true feelings. Many years after my mother's death I realized that I neither loved nor liked my mother. In my adult life I kept as many secrets from her as possible and resented any intrussion into my privacy. I was spared the need to take care of her but had long decided I could never have her in my home which she would have assumed was her right if she had suffered a long terminal illness.It is a very emotionally charged subject but Chimp I think you have made huge progress since comming here and are ready to own your true feelings. As long as you have others to be your sounding board you are able to find your own solutions. Be so thankful that wonderful supporting husband and smart mature young man who is your son. Blessings to you all
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Wow, I am truly humbled by all the warm, intelligent and helpful replies to my post. This is a terrific forum, and I appreciate you all so very much. I really need this support.

This afternoon my husband and I visited my mom together. We never know what to expect, and I was hesitant, but I felt supported by being with him. Mom surprised us today, her new medications must be working, because she was the closest to pleasant that I've seen in a long while. She was lucid, friendly, even jovial, and spoke of normal things instead of her childhood woes. She said she would gladly sign her newly-updated will and other paperwork. She even said, without a hint of malice, that she is willing to look into moving into an assisted living facility, and she asked us if we wouldn't mind looking into it. Who is this woman?

Gosh if she were like this more often, I'd do backflips to help her and visit her every day. Tomorrow she could be clingy and suicidal again, who knows? But for this evening, my heart is light for the first time in quite awhile. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

{{{huge group hug}}} to all of us here. In just a few days you have all become so dear to me!
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*Chimpazilla*-- I'm glad you found this site to talk things through. It was good for me to find that there are others out there dealing with many of the same issues. I scanned the notes and saw suggestions for the books on co-dependency, which are very helpful reads. Also, a book called "Walking on Eggshells..." helps understand the narcissist and borderline personality disorder. I found help and explanations in that book. Some of your parent's anxieties can be helped by medication, and if you see that this is so, great. I know you were likely saying an expression when you mentioned that "if she were more like this more often I'd do backflips and visit her every day." Wait! It's a reaction/relief to see positive behavior, but put yourself and your immediate family first. Make promises to her very carefully. She will hang on to anything you say as a promise and if it is not fulfilled she can "split" on you and become very disagreeable on the turn of a hat. BPD's are like that. There is no "gray area" no "unforeseen circumstance" that may pull you from that "promise" you've made. An illness, a trip, time on jury-duty, ect -- if it pulls you away from her she will likely revert to the angry uglies again and it would be easier to run a 500 mile marathon than to have to re-build the agreeableness you are seeing now. Story short -- set and keep boundaries, limitations, and talk to persons who can help you.

There are chronic conditions that your parent could have that would be easier to deal with because they are defined. BPD and narcissism are sneaky. They hide in the guise of "functional." There are no cures, there is only behavior modification -- a little for the BPD, a lot needed for the caregiver/family member.

Documentation helps, I saw that in another post -- yes! Talk to specialists in the geriatric field. Speak candidly. Repression of feelings is not good for you.
Hugs!
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Thank you Holly, yes I am aware that I can't count on mom being in a good mood! I was just enjoying feeling lighthearted last night for once. I have zero expectation that she will still be in a good mood today. We shall see what we get!

It's funny, I realized too that her mood is her own and it is never altered by anyone else's mood, and never has been. When she's down, nothing cheers her up. It occurred to me last night that while she was in a good mood, nothing would have brought her down. I suppose that is part of narcissism, not being able to be affected by anyone else's mood but her own. I'm really learning now, and I feel so much more empowered by all of this.

But yeah, I'm putting myself and my husband and son first, absolutely. I do have a couple of books on personality disorders, I purchased them from time to time over the past few years, trying to figure all of this out. I'm reading them again now, and having new insights.
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Hello, Reading all of your stories has been such a relief. I am not alone.
Chimp. Do we have the same mother? Palm?
My animals are so important to me now. We live on a ranch and the children, stair stepped from 29 down, four of them, say we love our pets more than them!
I remember as a child, saving food and helping my little mixed breed in the window when it was cold or raining. She never deserved to be treated the way my mom treated her.
My mother has a cat now, we stupidly thought it would help with the isolation. Every time I went to the house, the cat would throw itself at my feet and beg me to kill it or take it home. After three years of living with my mother... it's angry. Now it pins its ears and takes a swipe! What has she done to that poor cat?
But the memories are the worst. She writes hot checks and in comes a memory! We lose another caregiver and I'm hit with another memory. The worst is when you realize that, yes, they have been that way for a long time. Only now it's times ten on crack!
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Please have compassion and not guilt for her - you are doing your best as is she.

Get to a 12 step ACOA meeting and work the steps.

Your mother is locked in her own hell and deserves help, too. Please get her to therapy ASAP.

Please do not turn your back on her - there is a chance for peace through compassion and family recovery. It did not get this way overnight and takes time to heal.
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I read your post and it hit home. My mother has Alzheimer's and dimentia in family she wont bsthe use bsthroom on hersrlf yells and never sleeps longer than 20 minute intervals i know i should b there but i left a week ago and cant bring myself to go back i csll her negativr nancy or debbie downer all she talks about is bad and the lies she is only 62 and hasnt been off the couch for three years the more i help the worse she gets she having a poor me party and everyone but me falls for ut and they look at me like a hesrtless devil i cant get no help the police have drove her to pkaces several tines only to b released three days later
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Robin, have you called APS (adult protective services) and have they not been of any help - they might see her as unable to care for herself, more so than the police? It sounds like too much for one caregiver to handle and maybe at this point, she does not have an unlimited right to refuse other help....you might have options for getting guardianship, for example.
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Ive never heard of them. Thank u. I calked around last night. Ni hel
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No help. She needs a rehab for mental and alcohiluc depresdion. She gets disability for her bladder. She makes upthings. I even had cops come to me saying they got a call i was beating her on x mas eve once. Not true. But she has made up some very very hurtful lies and is aeful
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Can i get a check from dissbility for taking care of her. I had to quit my jobs
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Robin why would you want to care for her? She sounds like a very difficult person to deal with. Find employment for yourself, take care of yourself, while your skills are still fresh. Check with unemployment office in your area they do all sorts of free training. There is a program through the Veterans Administration if she or her husband were vets. In some states Medicaid will pay a family caregiver a small stipend, I have heard about $1,000.00 a month. I do not know if that is actually correct. If she has resources she could pay you, but she woyld become an employer with all the financial responsibilities that an employer carries for taxes disability, medicare, workman's comp, the list goes on.
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Try your Area Agency on Aging. I guess your mom only knew the police and not the APS hotline number, or you would have met a social worker rather than a police officer when she complained of being beaten up by you. Bear in mind, she may believe these things happened (versus just trying to be mean and hurtful) as if she wants to stay home, her turning you in for abuse would hardly accomplish that. I would think her disability is more than her bladder. And how is she still managing to get alcohol?
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Well she is an adult. And now she has copd. She says she is lising her hearing and memory
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Robin, when adults truly cannot care for themselves, they sometimes need people to make decisions for them and care for them. Is it always officially recognized when it needs to be? No, but someone should probably try. Are there time when adults are legally competent but still make terrible decisions? Of course - but they have no right to force others to collaborate with those decisions or to endure their effects without limit.
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