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I'm depending on 'daugher-in-law insurance'. My d-i-l is gonna put a pillow over my face and call it good. I'm gonna have to make sure she still likes me at the time though, don't want that pillow too soon. ha.
I only remember one of my grandparents and he passed away before care became an issue. I was a late baby. Mom & Dad were 40. None of our relatives lived here in the town I grew up in.
I remember when I was little,early 1970's, that my family moved in with my grandfather after he had a stroke. Don,t remember much but always remember mum was very upset alot and grandad was demanding
My mother and dad took care of her grandmother in our home when I was growing up. She was not a pleasant person, and we had a very small home, so she & I had to share a room. I remember her throwing things at me when I would come in "our" room. Nonetheless, she and my mother were very close and no one else would take her. She lived w/us for several years, and I remember feeling guilty as a child that when she died I could not bring myself to cry. As far as who will take care of me, who knows? I have 2 sons, both single, and 2 step sons-both married w/children. I am finding that mothers of sons do not have the "connection" that mothers of daughters do. It is easier for a woman to take care of her mother than her MIL. So, I don't have much hope that a DIL will do it. I just pray the Lord takes me before it becomes an issue.
I have to admit, this has come to my mind also. My uncles, aunts and parents visited for 1-2 weeks (in another state) and "took care" of my grandparents. It really isn't the same as being there and making all the decisions with them and then doing all the physical work. Not to mention they are all doing the same thing so no one felt guilty. I am the only one and find I feel guilty still.
The situation that you describe raises so many red flags for me. It sounds good on the surface, but when you put a son in the same house with his mother and his wife, that is a triangulated relationship that is just begging for trouble far more often than not. I think you and your husband need to have a serious heart to heart discussion about this. From what I've seen, people with the healthiest marriages do not have their in-laws living with them from day one, (I heard one case where the groom's parents went with the couple on their honeymoon) or living right next door.
My mother slapped her parents into nursing homes, where her father was drugged into submission and died of aspiration pneumonia, and her mother died from sepsis in a wound. My father's father killed his mother and then took his own life. My brother died of mysterious circumstances at age 48, and my Father died in surgery. So no, I don't remember my parents doing this. My mother hits, bites, kicks, pulls hair & scratches me. After being told all my life that I was the result of a family planning mistake I'm not real gung-ho on her well being, but I do the best I can. I pay for her to have 24 hr in home care out of my pocket.
I am Primary Caregiver for my m-i-l, who has Alzheimers. I remember when my husband & I began dating that his mom's mom had moved in with them. She had Alzheimers also, but it wasn't called that then. I think it was called senility. I remember as my husband & I continued dating, I found out that his mom and dad had separate bedrooms. They explained it away as he snored too loud and she had to get up early in the morning to cross the school kids. Now that I'm reading these posts, it was probably from a variety of things. I had heard that his dad had not liked his m-i-l. My husband and I share the same bedroom still, but now I'm beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea taking in my m-i-l, his mom. I'm wondering if we are going to repeat the same thing.
I am told that my grandmother took care of her mother until her death at age 94, and I am also told by my mother that she can clearly remember Gram having to escape to the kitchen and just shake, she was so stressed and upset about what her mother was putting her through. The funny/infuriating part about it is, whenever I told my Mom & Dad about what she was doing to me, they would say "Oh, yeah, her mother used to do that to her. It drove her nuts." Will someone PLEASE explain to me why it was not okay for her mother to treat her like crap, but it's perfectly fine for her to do it to me?!?
Alzcaregiver-I am in exactly the same position. I am not married, I have no children, and when all of my caregiving days are over I will have no real family left. I have often wondered what is going to happen to me when I'm the only one still alive. But, as Miz Demi has said, I firmly believe that I am here because God wants me here, and as long as I do what He wants me to He will take care of me. I have to have faith that everything will work out in the end, even though I have absolutely no clue what that end will be. Just hangin' on here by my fingernails, waitin'.
Alz, I have thought about this some. My husband is 11 years my junior. He has joked that if he has to change my depends or whatever that he will wear one of those anti-toxic suits. I really don't want to put him through all of that. I don't have any kids and neither does he. I don't want a nursing home either. I'm hoping God takes me in his arms before any of that is necessary. That may be a terrible thing to hope in some people's opinion but it's the truth. Alz, I truly believe God will make sure you are taken care of kindly on this earth. You are an angel. I have a neighbor who is in a nursing home and hates it. She has been there for going on 5 years. If she would have been open to hiring a caregiver to live with her I believe she would be at home. She had nursing home insurance and that would have helped pay for the caregiver. She insisted she only needed someone a couple hours a day and the docs wouldn't send her home. She's very independent. Never married or had kids but I bet she wishes she had had more of an open mind when this all started. I don't know. Sometimes there are no good answers. Only the best answer. I try not to look too far into the future. Ignorance is bliss? LOL :)
Let's switch this around a bit. Who do you think will care for you when the time comes. ME? Nobody. No children. The two deadbeat sisters actually didn't consider this when they plotted to abandon me with Mom when she got older.
"You didn't have any children, so it's YOUR turn to suffer!" That's the sort of thoughtless peashooter mind insult you sling in the middle of an argument. But the two deadbeats kept repeating it in person and emails (and they are grown up people now!). Finally one of them wrote me that they'd been griping about my single lifestyle all along, decades, and had this curse on me.
Yeah, my single lifestyle: on boards of nonprofits, cofounder of a healing arts center, headed a drug abuse prevention task force, community building committees, interviewing the brightest minds in the world. Hey, I knew someone who was on Elisabeth Kubler Ross's hospice team. Left all that to care for Mom, who makes no viable contribution to society any more.
So Mom is not the Curse of my choice: it's that I will do all this for her (reaching 8 full years), yet have no one to care for me. I imagine there are a lot of single, no-children women out there who got stuck as caregiver. And they are wondering when they'll be rewarded...with the possiblity of NEVER, not for you. Heaven maybe. "You're earning good karma," as my mom's Public Guardian told me. Whut about this lifetime?
My mother mentions that her mother cared for HER bedbound mother for many years. Assume Mom was a child then. Mom's mother herself got colon cancer and Mom brought her into her home, with FT nurse I believe, for a few months before brief stay in nursing home. Both grandfathers dropped dead of heart attack. My Dad's grandmother was independent until ovarian cancer was discovered, then it was quick nursing home stay before she died. We never went to nursing home.
I did visit Mom's mother a few times in the nursing home (I was 19 perhaps), but she was delirious and didn't know what was going on. I probably stayed only a few moments. Looking back, I was pretty shallow then. Now I would have sat with her regardless and been by her side in her final hours. Made sure she had a pastor visit her. Brought her photos from home. I don't think my mother was very hands on with my grandma, as grandma had done a shocking thing and ran off with a preacher man when Mom was a child.
I was around Mom's mother more when grandma lived at Mom's house for those few months, and I was "honored" to hear her tell the story of the day her second husband died a few years before. That was the man, the preacher man she had run off with, we always considered Grandpa.
My mom, as an only child, had to move her mom from another state to live with her and my dad. Mom and gma had never gotten along so you can imagine. Mom made gma's life a living hell. Felt sorry for gma, wished I could've taken her. To this day, my mom has never shed a tear over gma but I have. Dad's 7 sibs pitched in, built my grandma a little house in one daughter's backyard,hired a caretaker plus all took turns on weekends and showered grandma with love and respect. She eventually had to go to a nh,died there. I'll always remember dad and his siblings pulling together. Too bad my absentee sister doesn't remember. Of course, she's the one my mom favors. It's puzzling to me. 90 with crappy pants and a hateful attitude, please God, NO!
You know, I'm kind of the same way. I don't want to live to 90 if I'm crapping my pants. I figure i've got maybe 10 years to go if I'm lucky and that's why I'm obsessed with the boat.
I'm actually here licking my chops thinking about KrispyKreme. i am pathetic.
HEy Y'all thanks for the comments, I was very curious... I dunno It just seemed that when I was young, most people didn't die @ home, rather in the hospitals. Gosh, I cant remember my parents or any of my aunts or uncle ( all ten of my mothers siblings) taking care of their parents or inlaws. Maybe it is the technology that is causing us to have a longer life span and changing circumstances. Technology is a wonderful thing, but sometimes even though we can, one often doesn't stop to ask if we SHOULD! I think im going to continue my bad habits. Im gonna erase all those wonderful years @ the end. NO THANKS. * can someone please pass me the Krispy Creams ? with a side of lard?
My grandma (mom's mom) had 11 kids and lived in Michigan while we lived in NJ. As I was told, Grandma had some dementia and she came to see us in nj and would stay for maybe 6 -8 weeks. Mom would take her out and get her new clothes, etc. Grandma visited all over where her kids wound up and when she got to where she didn't want to travel anymore, my mom's s-i-l did most of the work even though there were other children right there. I still remember that my aunt got crap from other members of the 'family' but she was the one who went to Grandma's and changed out a lightbulb, brought all the groceries, etc.
Grandma had a heart attack, went from her home to the hospital and died there a few days later.
I tis true that medical science these days is keeping people alive longer who would normally pass away due to something or another and the dementia is more prevalent because we have meds for heart issues, etc that make the body last, but not the mind.
My fathers dad passed a long time ago. I never met him, but his mother I do remember her. She lived with my aunt right up until the day she died, come to think of it. She wasn't ill that I can remember, gosh it was so long ago, and I think she died at 78. My dad would always take me over there and I can still see her looking at me with those deep Indian eyes. I think between he, my uncle, and my aunt they took really good care of her but it was my aunt whom she lived with.
My moms parents lived on the East Coast and I remember they lived in a big old house with a well in the back yard. I can hear "papa" telling me "stay away from that well gal", like it was yesterday. My mother said he told everybody that although no one ever fell in. When he died we went back for the funeral.
My moms mother died a few years later, still living in that same house with the well. She lived on her own, and never got sick, just died peacefully in her sleep.
No as for as my mom she never took care of her parents, she actually lived 3000 miles from them.
Hey this is a nice thread. Took me back a bit. Thanks Nutz.
my moms parents lived in germany and died there, my husbands parents died early - heart attach in their 50's- and i agree i get so sick at heart when the parents are always more interested in the absentee child who doesnot give a hoot- i am glad your mom is easy- my mom is too so far - only been 2 weeks though- sometmes she knows who i am sometimes does not
My mother took in my grandmother when other family members did not step up. My grandmother was not an "easy" person to care for. I grew up watching my grandmother belittle her daughters while praising her absentee sons. It was stressful for her to deal with a aging mom, husband, and children all who wanted her undivided attention.
My mother is MUCH easier to care for than was her mother. I am very thankful for that.
The one thing that has changed is the "system." Seems like there is much more red tape now and more "warehousing" of seniors than there was when I was little. Also, seniors are living longer; so I see more incidents of dementia and other more serious, lingering and debilitating illnesses.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The situation that you describe raises so many red flags for me. It sounds good on the surface, but when you put a son in the same house with his mother and his wife, that is a triangulated relationship that is just begging for trouble far more often than not. I think you and your husband need to have a serious heart to heart discussion about this. From what I've seen, people with the healthiest marriages do not have their in-laws living with them from day one, (I heard one case where the groom's parents went with the couple on their honeymoon) or living right next door.
had moved in with them. She had Alzheimers also, but it wasn't called that then. I think it was called senility. I remember as my husband & I continued dating, I found out that his mom and dad had separate bedrooms. They explained it away as he snored too loud and she had to get up early in the morning to cross the school kids. Now that I'm reading these posts, it was probably from a variety of things. I had heard that his dad had not liked his m-i-l.
My husband and I share the same bedroom still, but now I'm beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea taking in my m-i-l, his mom. I'm wondering if we are going to repeat the same thing.
Alzcaregiver-I am in exactly the same position. I am not married, I have no children, and when all of my caregiving days are over I will have no real family left. I have often wondered what is going to happen to me when I'm the only one still alive. But, as Miz Demi has said, I firmly believe that I am here because God wants me here, and as long as I do what He wants me to He will take care of me. I have to have faith that everything will work out in the end, even though I have absolutely no clue what that end will be. Just hangin' on here by my fingernails, waitin'.
"You didn't have any children, so it's YOUR turn to suffer!" That's the sort of thoughtless peashooter mind insult you sling in the middle of an argument. But the two deadbeats kept repeating it in person and emails (and they are grown up people now!). Finally one of them wrote me that they'd been griping about my single lifestyle all along, decades, and had this curse on me.
Yeah, my single lifestyle: on boards of nonprofits, cofounder of a healing arts center, headed a drug abuse prevention task force, community building committees, interviewing the brightest minds in the world. Hey, I knew someone who was on Elisabeth Kubler Ross's hospice team. Left all that to care for Mom, who makes no viable contribution to society any more.
So Mom is not the Curse of my choice: it's that I will do all this for her (reaching 8 full years), yet have no one to care for me. I imagine there are a lot of single, no-children women out there who got stuck as caregiver. And they are wondering when they'll be rewarded...with the possiblity of NEVER, not for you. Heaven maybe. "You're earning good karma," as my mom's Public Guardian told me. Whut about this lifetime?
I did visit Mom's mother a few times in the nursing home (I was 19 perhaps), but she was delirious and didn't know what was going on.
I probably stayed only a few moments. Looking back, I was pretty shallow then. Now I would have sat with her regardless and been by her side in her final hours. Made sure she had a pastor visit her. Brought her photos from home. I don't think my mother was very hands on with my grandma, as grandma had done a shocking thing and ran off with a preacher man when Mom was a child.
I was around Mom's mother more when grandma lived at Mom's house for those few months, and I was "honored" to hear her tell the story of the day her second husband died a few years before. That was the man, the preacher man she had run off with, we always considered Grandpa.
Dad's 7 sibs pitched in, built my grandma a little house in one daughter's backyard,hired a caretaker plus all took turns on weekends and showered grandma with love and respect. She eventually had to go to a nh,died there. I'll always remember dad and his siblings pulling together. Too bad my absentee sister doesn't remember. Of course, she's the one my mom favors. It's puzzling to me.
90 with crappy pants and a hateful attitude, please God, NO!
You know, I'm kind of the same way. I don't want to live to 90 if I'm crapping my pants. I figure i've got maybe 10 years to go if I'm lucky and that's why I'm obsessed with the boat.
I'm actually here licking my chops thinking about KrispyKreme. i am pathetic.
lovbob
Technology is a wonderful thing, but sometimes even though we can, one often doesn't stop to ask if we SHOULD! I think im going to continue my bad habits. Im gonna erase all those wonderful years @ the end. NO THANKS. * can someone please pass me the Krispy Creams ? with a side of lard?
Pamela's right. Nice thread!
My grandma (mom's mom) had 11 kids and lived in Michigan while we lived in NJ. As I was told, Grandma had some dementia and she came to see us in nj and would stay for maybe 6 -8 weeks. Mom would take her out and get her new clothes, etc. Grandma visited all over where her kids wound up and when she got to where she didn't want to travel anymore, my mom's s-i-l did most of the work even though there were other children right there.
I still remember that my aunt got crap from other members of the 'family' but she was the one who went to Grandma's and changed out a lightbulb, brought all the groceries, etc.
Grandma had a heart attack, went from her home to the hospital and died there a few days later.
I tis true that medical science these days is keeping people alive longer who would normally pass away due to something or another and the dementia is more prevalent because we have meds for heart issues, etc that make the body last, but not the mind.
lovbob
My fathers dad passed a long time ago. I never met him, but his mother I do remember her. She lived with my aunt right up until the day she died, come to think of it. She wasn't ill that I can remember, gosh it was so long ago, and I think she died at 78. My dad would always take me over there and I can still see her looking at me with those deep Indian eyes. I think between he, my uncle, and my aunt they took really good care of her but it was my aunt whom she lived with.
My moms parents lived on the East Coast and I remember they lived in a big old house with a well in the back yard. I can hear "papa" telling me "stay away from that well gal", like it was yesterday. My mother said he told everybody that although no one ever fell in. When he died we went back for the funeral.
My moms mother died a few years later, still living in that same house with the well. She lived on her own, and never got sick, just died peacefully in her sleep.
No as for as my mom she never took care of her parents, she actually lived 3000 miles from them.
Hey this is a nice thread. Took me back a bit. Thanks Nutz.
My mother is MUCH easier to care for than was her mother. I am very thankful for that.
The one thing that has changed is the "system." Seems like there is much more red tape now and more "warehousing" of seniors than there was when I was little. Also, seniors are living longer; so I see more incidents of dementia and other more serious, lingering and debilitating illnesses.