I don’t want to be mom’s caregiver. Why do I feel this way?

My mother-in-law has been living with us for 6 weeks now and I dread every day. She had dementia, is very frail, nearly bling and deaf, and stubborn. Although she is grateful for our care, she wants to go home every day. She does not comprehend why she can't live alone anymore. We are keeping her here as long as we can bear it. So many of my friends have told me their parents did better in the nursing home once they adjusted to the change. But you are not alone in feeling like you don't want to be your mother's caregiver. Neither my husband nor I want to be caregivers, but here we are. I do disagree with the notion we don't owe our parents anything. We are not obligated to be their caregivers, but I do believe that we are obligated to ensure they are living in a safe place, have access to food, and whatever physical care they need.

My sister and I have been successful in keeping Mom out of a nursing home for 91 years. I wish she had gone to an AL when she had some money. I think she would have saved us and herself a lot of anguish. Nursing homes on the other hand are depressing places for the most part, especially here if you have to eventually go on Medicaid - IF they there is any left. It's getting to the point where if she gets any worse, we'll have to do that. She is not really falling but her legs are buckling under her, now, and I had to call my husband to come 30 minutes from his job to help me pick her up. Probably the next time I'll have to call 911 and they will most likely admit her into the hospital, then rehab/nursing home and that will be that. I hope that it doesn't happy like that, but it could. I feel badly that we've gone this far and then for what? I keep thinking that looking back we'll be happy that we did it, but I am not sure. It has been miserable for a long time, but after my little taste back in January a short stint in Senior Care, I hate the idea of her being in such a depressing place. I guess I'd rather be depressed than her. Isn't that weird? Maybe she wouldn't be. I guess I am just talking aloud. I sure wish we had done things differently and had her move into Assisted Living earlier and now we wouldn't have to deal with this at this point.

Good luck.

My mother has been in an independent/assisted living residence for 6 years and is 96. Even though she doesn't live with us, there is still plenty of caregiving needed. I handle her finances, take her to doctor and dentist appointments, do her shopping, visit her weekly, and spend holidays with her. If she has any problems, where she lives, they call me. You'll be doing your part to help, even if she doesn't move in with you.

Here's another scenario.....how do you handle possibly losing your significant other because mom is lonely and wants you to spend every night at home with her? Dad died 5 years ago and I moved in to help my 87 year old mom whom has had a couple strokes. I feel that I'm replacing my dad. My mom and long-time girlfriend get along great - but girlfriend gets lonely too and wants me to spend time alone with her as well. I feel pulled in both directions. My siblings don't help. I've given up my life for my mother and am tired of having to answer every move I make and every phone call I receive.

We got my mom into an independent living senior facility several years ago. It is MUCH better than having to live with her negativity and guilt dumping and self absorbed behavior. We love her, but knew we could never live with that and keep our own sanity and marriages intact. After 6 years, she STILL complains, all the time, about everything. She says she appreciates things once in a while, but she doesn't and fights us and lies every time we do something for her. So, my advice is this: no matter what you do, you are her child and she will force a reversal of roles, and you will be mom when she wants something but she will also make it her job to dump guilt on you anyway. Move her to assisted living so you can enjoy your life, and when you visit, it will be more quality time than if she lived with you and made your life miserable.

Kandy1234 - that almost happened to us before Dad died - he called JUST as I was leaving for my Hospice volunteer job to tell me he fell - I ran over (10 min drive)but when I arrived at the house, he told me he wanted me/Richard, or just me to basicaly move in w/them & take care of them! That wouldn't have worked - mom was almost totally deaf then & Richard's VERY set in his ways (& I do mean VERY) & I also would've had to decide if I even wanted to move in w/them - & I didn't - it would've turned our entire life upside down - now I know I said in previous answers it depends & it does - some couples/adult children can & want to do this & others can't or don't want to - either way is perfectly acceptable as long as the parent/parents are taken care of, you know...

I will try to make my comments short and sweet. After moving from Oregon to Washington to take care of my elderly mother, I spent all my time caretaking her. She had dementia and it got so bad that she was just hateful to me and I could do nothing to please her. I am the oldest daughter of 4 children, I was the only family that she had here. I tried my best to ignore her tantrums and hatefulness toward me but ended up having to find another caregiver for my mother. I thought that way I could just be her daughter and supervise. WRONG!!! After two strokes and finally a heart attack where I ended up taking care of Mom, my brother moved Mom to Portland and she was in a Foster home her last year of life. After 8 years of taking care of my Mother, when she passed away in Jan 2013 I found out she had taken me out of her Will. Now it was NOT the money...it was the HURT she did to my heart that just sent me over the edge. I never expected anything in return but I just couldn't believe she would be so hateful.to me after all I had done for her. So my advise to anyone that thinks about caregiving a parent, especially someone with dementia is DON'T DO IT. The heartache I endured during the 8 years of caregiving was enough to last me a lifetime. I would never do it again! People who have dementia strike out on the person who is closest to them, that is usually the caregiver and that could be you. Get professional help and a caregiver that is not related to your parent.

Patricia; I don't people with diagnosed dementia can change their wills, can they? You might consider challenging this, depending upon how much money is involved. Alternatively, if your siblings are good people, they would see that the fair thing to do is to redevide the monies to include you.

I'd find out when the will was changed because the dementia does play a big part in this. I'd also find out, if possible, if your siblings were aware of this.
I am sorry this happened to you. I was left out my mother's will and my sibling knew all about it. And believe me, she has never given me one dime. Why would I expect anything if she still hasn't told me our mother died after 2 years. Sometimes family can be your worst enemy.

God it's good to hear others express the same feelings that I have been experiencing since 2009 when my mother had her stroke. Many of us have hoped for a different life when our children moved out--the freedom of not having to care for anyone's needs but your own. Then life turns around and presents a new situation with having to take care of a parent. Not on the list of things I imagined. Not only is it hard to deal with the illness itself and all its attachments (in my case, dementia), but my mother and I have never really gotten along so I have a personality clash as well as the illness. Like someone said here, it can seem like a slow death. Without listing the numerous things that are irritating, I might list the reliefs that have been suggested to me. Now, in my case, mom cannot go to an assisted living facility as I would wish she could. So...the first thing I would suggest is that you read up on dementia and its stages so that you will be aware of what to expect and realize that you are not living with the same person you grew up with. Next is to take lots of 'me time'. It doesn't have to be in chunks like and extended vacation (though that would be nice). It can be little things that you do for yourself. It has been suggested to me to get deep tissue massages--definitely on my list. Get as much outside support as you can, either by enlisting family members if available to spend time with your parent once a week. My niece takes my mom for a few hours 1 time a week to see her sister. Having a support group is good too, not only for venting but to get ideas. I don't have a group, per se, but I have this forum which I have gained information from. Try to remember to take 1 day at a time and to keep in mind that although this is not the life you planned, it is not the life they planned either. Life happens to all of us.

I cared for my dad in my home for almost 5 years until I was no longer to do it anymore. He willingly went into a nursing home (he was too ill and needed too much supervision for AL). What no one told me was that the caregiving is not over once your loved one is situated in the facility. The circumstances have changed but not your loved one's needs. Until my brother stepped in when I was at the breaking point I couldn't even go and visit my dad without half the staff converging upon me, wanting to discuss this issue or that issue or wanting some financial information or checking up on me to make sure I was on top of getting Medicaid approval, one thing after another. I would walk into the facility and be occpied with staff for an hour before I even saw my dad! Then I would have a depressing and draining visit with him and leave feeling like a bomb had exploded around me. When my brother stepped in (he was previously uninvolved for the 5 years dad lived with me) he issed a statement to the entire staff to NOT talk to me when I visited, to call HIM if they needed anything and that helped. I think that once someone becomes a caregiver they will always be a caregiver to their loved one until that person dies, regardless of the circumstances. At least that's been my experience. Since I cared for my dad all those years it's me he reveals his true feelings to. My brother visits him and they have nice, pleasant conversation for an hour or so. My brother gets my "social" dad, the "everything is ok" dad. I get the complaining, the morose, the depressed, incontinent dad. I once told my brother, "I want YOUR dad!".

Good luck.

Eyerishlass....I so agree with the others int he family getting the "social" parent. I always said that everyone else gets to see the happy and social side of my mom and I'm the one who gets to deal with the not so good side of her. I used to say, "I get the sh_ _ side".

I would also look into challenging the will. My mother has life insurance and it's set in stone that it's 50/50 between my sister and I, her only children. My husband and I -- and now just myself -- have supported Mom since 1982. She's never had to pay rent and had free reign to spend her money as she pleases. My sister will take half of the insurance money. If the situation were reversed, I could do that. But .... it is what it is.

I 'am 50 years old just divorced, married 23 years, my daughters and I move out of an apartment and into my Moms a year ago as she need someone to take care of her. I feel so guilty for not wanting to be her caregiver. But at the same time I know that if she were to go to a assisted living facility, she would give up. But I have been unable to start my life over since my divorce I spent the first year grieving and the next one still caring for my mother. I am very lonely and sad at times. But I know that I must continue on. Her health is declining daily.
I really do understand ...

Mellie, I think you may be wrong abt what you're mom's reaction to asstd living might be. Most people find it rejuvenating. Exercise, classes, social and activity groups, as much or as little as you like.

Then set boundaries and tell her what you are willing to do for her. Not saying anything and building up resentment will only foster a painful relationship and that doesn't sound like you would enjoy that! Just be honest and help her (if you have the time) find other caregivers. You are entitled to your feelings - they are neither good nor bad, either right or wrong. They are just - YOURS.

Mellie, I think you may be wrong abt what you're mom's reaction to asstd living might be. Most people find it rejuvenating. Exercise, classes, social and activity groups, as much or as little as you like.

I rented out my own home to a friend and I moved in with my mother 2 years ago to help her out. I am now 55 years old. She was 94 years old and still able to do everything for herself. I worried about her since she did fall a couple of times. About 6 months ago she fell again and got a huge knot on her head. At this same time she had a slight cough and a slight temperature. I got her to the ER via 911. They wanted to admit her, (of course they did due to her GREAT insurance) but I refused for her to be admitted. I will say I am an RN and know if old people that age go into the hospital they do NOT come out. Anyways took my mother home and got home health to come in with the IV's. Cleared up her pneumonia. Knot on her head healed. She started getting weaker and is now very demanding. I know she has got some Dementia going on even though she denies this. The relationship I thought was SO great with my mom has deteriorated. I don't even want to talk with her. She seems so unappreciative and is just always nagging and complaining. I feel like I have become a horrible caregiver to her. My brother DID come from Japan and is now staying here with us also and is here between caregivers. I hired caregivers to come in 6 hours a day/4 to 5 days a week. I work full time and by the time I get home she is complaining as soon as I walk into the door. On my days off it is my brother and I taking care of her. I feel like my life is on total hold. I have a daughter who is having a baby in about 3 weeks as well. I can't even enjoy the birth of my granddaughter. I am so miserable. I will NOT put my mother in a nursing home. That is out of the question. My mother DOES have the funds LOTS of funds to have round the clock nursing care but she is refusing for me to spend the money. (She wants to leave us the money). I don't care about her money and want HER to use this money for her own care. She has more than enough for round the clock care and will have plenty left to leave her kids. (I feel really bad for the ones doing this on limited funds. I don't know how I would cope) I keep telling her this to no avail. I always figured I would oversee all of my mothers care. I did NOT think I would end up being her caregiver half of the time all while working a full time nursing job. 2 months ago at age 96 she had two MILD strokes while I was here. I did NOT call 911 since the hospital can't do much for her at this age except to admit her. She wants to die at home. She has said this many times. Anyways, She is now unable to walk safely with a walker and is in a wheelchair most of the time. I have just started hospice for her at home. She is not in any pain so she is not taking any medications. She is just driving us all crazy. She is up half the night rummaging into drawers (yes she gets up walking with the walker even though it is not safe for her to do so) and her mind races thinking of her childhood. I do give her the Ativan the hospice nurse brought without much help. I am just venting here. I will add here that I love my mom. She was a good mom and always took care of her kids. I would feel tremendous guilt not being here with her. I am so stuck. I pray that God just takes her one night in her sleep. She is miserable and always yelling how she is living too long and wants to know when she is going to die. So very hard to watch this decline and for me to be totally helpless. I know the answer is to have round the clock care even if she objects and I am looking into that as I type this...But thanks for listening. Burnt out daughter/RN

Castymiss, I truly feel for how hard your situation is, but I feel I must speak up. I don't think it is okay to deny your mother medical care after a stroke not calling 911 because you unilaterally decide that that hospital can't do anything for her. There are drugs that can be given in the hours right after a stroke to minimize the damage http://strokecenter.stanford.edu/guide-new-drugs.html and as I understand it after my mother suffered a TIA she was given something like this as standard practice. I realize your situation is incredibly difficult but please consider letting others take more of the load in one way or another and that includes letting her docs step in in a critical situation. I think it is the terrible pressure that we personally must be all things to help make it right for our mothers that really backs one into a corner.

Whirlpool. YES, there are medications after a stroke but in my mothers case when she went to the ER....for the KNOT on her head they also found out she had A-Fib. I did ask about the anti-coagulants but knew myself she would not be a candidate. Doctors confirmed with me also saying she can't have blood thinners due to her falling often. So in her case these medications would be contraindicated per the MD. If she was not a fall risk for bruising she would be able to take them. This came from 2 different doctors at the hospital, including her own primary MD.

Castymiss, what I was referring to was the incident you mentioned midway down in your first post where you said she had two mild strokes two months ago but you didn't call 911. I can understand given her fall risks it would be risky for her to be on a long-term blood thinner like Plavix, but those quick acting medications they can give in the first six hours of the stroke that may reduce damage still seem like a worthwhile risk since she'd be in the hospital bed kept from falling. Anyway, I'm letting this drop now - it's now my desire to offend or disturb a fellow caregiver but I felt honor-bound to say something. I do realize that the choices become harder especially once a parent wants to die and quality of life is hard.

I appreciate your answer but being a nurse I see what happens when the very old are sent to a hospital. They die. Her doctor also agreed. I have seen more elderly attempt to climb out of beds when the siderails are up only to fall. Many fall and break hips in hospitals. Being at home was the safer place for my mom. So a couple months ago when she had the TIA's.....I put her in bed watching her closely along with private caregivers. At 96 not much can be done....Thanks again.

Each person dies at an Appointed time, no matter where they are and how they are treated. Death is inevitable and not in our control. Whether you give excellent care to a nasty parent or neglect a long-suffering parent, they are going to transition when it's time. A great mystery of life. Humbling. Let it go. xo

Wow, I wish I had read this two years ago! My situation started out by driving three hours to take care of EVERYTHING for my dad once a month for a weeks time. Mom was in skilled nursing with advanced dementia. He came to live with my husband I a year ago as my sister found him at home with an bad case of cellulitis and TIA. Doc said no more, either a home, 24/7 in home care, or live with a family member. Guess who pulled the short straw? My siblings are out of the picture, he tries to control everything and is angry and confrontational when he can't. This has turned our lives upside down, I dread getting up in the morning for another day of Jekyl and Hyde. We don't speak much because I won't engage him in arguments or gossiping about the family, you see if I don't agree with him 100%, I become an as*****. Care giving is not for the weak of heart, it is difficult mentally, and that is REALLY hard for me since I suffer from chronic depression. In fact, I am going to the doc tomorrow to have my med reevaluted as the black cloud has been chasing me with a vengance. My father thinks depression is a weakness and told me to knock it off. Ha! Can't do that, and he is the reason it is eating me up . I do this because I love him and I'm sure you love your folks too, but. . .weigh the situation out before you take that step. I will not be the martyr he wants me to be, and I am a 58 year old adult, not 10. All the answers here are right on the money!

Castymiss - I beg to differ about the elderly always dying when they enter a hospital - my 94 y.o. dad died in a nursing home & mom entered the hospital at 93 & she's still in the nursing home - neither of them died in the hospital. With all due respect, I'm a Certified medical assistant AND the DON at mom's n.h. told me she could live another 20yrs, so...

Ignorotic's comment is so very true. Caregiving is very easy to get into and extremely hard to get out of.
Is assisted living an option for your mother? That way she'll be around others and there's help if she needs it. And you can still be her daughter, rather then her caregiver.

With my MIL, it started out with just helping her a little, then it got to be more and more. And when I saw no one else stepping up, I did more and more until I was doing everything.

I also was my spouse's caregiver for years. He has just recently been placed in a NH. I feel very bad about this and was hoping to keep him home, but my daughter told me it was time. He was totally dependent for everything. The one thing that upset me the most was I had come to feel like the caregiver, rather then the wife.

My daughter told me that though I am my husband's advocate for his well being, she feels she needs to be my advocate for my well being and after our discussion, we came to the agreement that it was time for NH placement.

My husband and I are still adjusting to these new arrangements, but so far things are looking up and I am breathing easier.
And I feel like the wife again rather then being exhausted from all my caregiving duties.

jakewright14......You are so very lucky to have a wonderful daughter who stepped up and helped you make a decision you were reluctant to make yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about dear. There are a pair of Gold Wings waiting for you for just for taking care of the MIL. Your daughter needs you and she wants you to be healthy and strong. So, take some time for yourself now. Reaquaint with old friends and go to lunch, indulge in hobbies, pamper yourself with an occasional massage, or go shopping. You deserve some time for yourself, as you have done quite enough. Also, you don't have to go to the NH everyday. Your husband is in good hands. Happy Mother's Day to you.

Then let others care for her. You can visit, but if you have these negative feelings about caregiving, don't make yourself ill and then transfer that hostility onto your mother. Enjoy your life and be respectful of hers, but not as her caregiver.

SET YOUR BOUNDARIES NOW!!! Take your mom around to look at assisted living places "for the future". Where I live they are running around $3,000 to $4,000 a month. There is no help for this cost from the federal government.
Immediately demand she get a medical Alert system for the home she is living in. Get the wristband type. The necklace gets tangled up when they sleep. What ever system you get they only range around $30 a month. Make sure you get one that has the people answering the calls in the U.S. not some foreign country and that the speakers speak English as a first language. My mom got one where she had a fall and couldn't understand the person on the other end.
SET YOUR BOUNDARIES NOW I REPEAT!!!

I am a caregiver to my mother who lives with us. I have two children, a husband , a job and all the other daily responsibilities that goes along with that. My question is this.....why do my siblings not offer to help? All I have ever asked of them is that they come and pick her up and take her out! How hard is that! How could they not have it in there heart to show her a nice day? It could be her last day! It has been over two years since my mom moved in with us and I am tired of asking them. I am hurt that my sisters don't help and my mom is not stupid either. She knows that they can find time in their "busy schedule" to come to my house if something special is happening or other family members are in town, but cant seem to carve out the time to spend some "one on one" time with mom, which will in turn give me and my family a break.
I guess this is more like venting for me....I know there is no perfect answer. I am trying to take the "high road" and offer the best that I can to a woman that may only have a few years left on this earth. I do believe there will be a day that my sisters will be sorry for behaving this way and they will have to deal with that. For now I will keep doing my best for my mom and try to keep my resentment at bay.