Follow
Share

My dad was hospitalized for a month last summer. One doctor said he had a stroke and my dad still denies that he did. He was also diagnosed with Polymyalgia Rheumatica so there was rehab, alot of work to regain mobility.

I moved over 2000 miles in 2011 to be within driving distance of him and left a great job and good friends because I felt it was the right thing to do (I signed POA doc in 2007 and am only child with no spouse).

Before entering the hospital, Dad asked me to move back home and move in with him and be his full-time caregiver. I did this in 2009 for a year and I helped him get organized but it was disastrous on many levels. He was hostile, etc. so I moved back to where I was.

The problem now is that he was better for awhile but overall was...and is...increasingly narcissistic, belligerent, insulting and hostile. He dismissed 2 doctors and all home care and now is even saying he doesn't want me to help him anymore. He said he had vision problems last week and jumped in the car and drove 2 hrs to a specialist....I was horrified!

My attorney and all my support team recommends that I do not move back home. Living with him is out of the question for my own health I have learned. My attorney said I was entitled to reimbursement for caregiving related expenses, travel etc. My father is wealthy and even though I am POA he doesn't allow me to touch any money at all.

We quarreled over the phone last week, he hung up on me and withdrew the funds I was expecting and said he no longer wants my help. I was hospitalized last summer as well for burnout and lost my job because of it. I found another one but I am very poor and struggling to make ends meet and fulfill POA duties. He has always been very stingy about money and
balks at paying for some home care even though he could afford it.

What responsibilities, if any do I have here? Not sure his driving 2 hrs with vision problems was safe...and yet it is to the point where we cannot have a civil conversation anymore.

I feel like my life is coming apart. I had a part-time business which is very important to me (which he constantly belittles). I know he's sick and I enjoy helping him but I am sick of the abuse and am scared I'm going to lose my ability to hold a job and take care of my apartment!

What should I do?? Please don't say I'm crazy or bad...I'm trying SOO hard!!!
Thank you

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

39 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
You deserve your own life. You can't let y our parent suck the life out of you. If he is of sound mind and made the decision to cut you off and doesn't want your help, then by all means let it be. I would just tell him you respect his wishes and go about your life as you intended. When he needs someone again - tell your siblings to step up..or just don't answer the phone - that's what I do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
You are not crazy, or bad. Quite the opposite, and I salute you for everything that you are doing. This is a crazy hard job, and it sometimes makes us feel as though we have no options or solutions, and that we are faced with brick walls every where we turn.
Trying to work and take care of an angry old man who is agressive and resentful and pushes every attempt you make to help away ....yup, I can absolutely relate.
I can't say what your responsibilities and obligations are, only you can answer that. But I can say, take a huge step backwards and really look at the situation: you have an obligation to your own health, your own earning capacity, your own ability to pay your apartment and so step one is putting YOU back in the picture. It sounds like dad has taken the whole picture and made it all about him, and there is no you left in there at all. Put yourself back in the picture and make decisions that work for you as your first action step. Stop making decisions that force your life (whats left of it) to revolve around him.

He needs help for sure, but are you able to enforce it when he won't let you or anyone else care for him? Can you enforce your position with POA and get him admitted into a home? Is there any way you can get his medical team to enforce the next step if they know he has no caregiver? I don't know the system there in the States for this type of situation.

But ... I read your post and your cry for help, and I just wanted to reach out and tell you that he is lucky to have you in his life caring for him even if he doesn't realise or show it. HUgs and love to you today, xxxx
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Sounds like your dad does not want to give up any control, I understand that only too well. You need to take care of yourself first. I think he would benefit from assisted living, can you get a geriatric manager to step in and help you? You really need to get rid of thinking you are "crazy" or "bad". These are very shaming feelings with a healthy dollop of guilt for a side, feel these feelings, label them and sit with them for a while, then let them go once and for all. You are responsible for yourself first, if he wants help he has to play ball or he must deal with those consequences. He has not been diagnosed with dementia so he is capable of working out something that works for both of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
If you want to try and help, I would suggest contacting his doctors for help. Ask for a care consultation and document his behavior. He sounds like he might be a danger to himself or someone else. I would also contact an elder attorney. You might be able to get some help there. Contact your state's agency on aging...just go to your states web site and search for elder care or something similar. I hope you can get some help for him and save yourself, too. Good luck! God bless.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Call his doctor about driving and anything else that you feel might be a safety issue...let the doctors make the decision
about what he should and should not be doing.

Contact the attorney regarding any agreed payments that you
were supposed to recieve in order to maintain your living expenses and get the attorneys advice.

Start your biz again if you can....dont even mention it if to your father if he devalues it.

Let your Dad know you did everything humanely possible to help him and that you now also need to have time to meet the responsiblities of your OWN life as well as his. Maybe you can spend less time with him so you can start taking care of yourself and see how that goes.

(take a few weeks off and rest as much as you can...do a few relaxing things and
hang in there....YOU matter just as much as your father!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
When ljdh0709 wrote "YOU matter just as much as your father!" I wanted to shout "Hallelujah!" Yes, we do matter as much as our loved ones. I am trying so hard to learn that concept. It isn't a bad thing to take care of ourselves, too. Without us, our loved ones would be lost...and in end, so would we. Very, very tough lesson to learn!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
These answers are all very supportive and helpful and I find that they have made me feel better since I am a very similar situation except that my mother is becoming more bedridden every day and I must work as I am sole support of the family and maintain the house.
It is my employer i find so disheartening. There is no understanding, no support, no help. No one cares that I am showing up every day exhausted as previously noted. My job is very demanding as i am a nurse practitioner in a very busy surgical practice. I fell pulled apart by so many people who need me, yet I should be home with my Mom. Yet, if I do that, how do I keep the house and pay the bills?
I came home from work last night, got Mom something to eat and drink, gave her a snack and her meds. helped her change, lay down on my bed and woke up with the alarm at 5:45 this morning, hitting the snooze button because I still felt completely exhausted. Don't know how much more I can take. Need a job with fewer hours but still make the needed pay. i am 58 and feel like I won't see 60. The best years of my life have always been given away to someone else's needs.
I think the key work here is EXHAUSTION. How can it be helpled when there are no family members and no support systems. My boss told me that if I took time off i would have to document every hour or I could be "terminated for stealing time". I never take lunch, work on weekends when needed, and get a whopping 19 days a year off for sick time and vacation accrued at 5.5 hours each pay. The answer is probably pretty clear. Get a better job. how does one do that when they are raising their elderly and ill parent?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
being a caregiver does not mean you have to or should give up your life. It hard because of the guilt sometimes you feel, but unless he is deemed incompetent by a court he has the right to make very bad choices. Being POA does not mean you are responsible for a competent (but making bad choices) adult. Take care of yourself first, sometimes the sr. has to fall before he will let someone help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I was and am in the same situation. It is very hard. You don't sleep, and worry about everything. I found talking to other Caregivers helps. Also, take time for yourself. 1 day a week, make time for just you. I work full time and am the Caregiver of 2 Disabled parents. There are nights where I cry myself to sleep. Then I realize that I have to be the strong one for my parents. They took care of me when I was born. I am just repaying the debt.
Our parents didn't want this to happen, but it did. For me, the hardest part, is being sick and still having to do everything.
But knowing what all I would go through; I would still be the sole Caregiver for my parents, because if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here.
As the saying goes, "God never gives us more then we can handle." It might seem like it, but in the end; this experience has made me a better person.
I almost got to be on the Katie Couric Talk Show because of it. They picked Amy Grant the Singer. That is okay.
So if you need someone to talk to; I am here.
God Bless You and remember you are amazing; because most people wouldn't do what you do. Keep your chin up.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I always joked with my Grandparents that I would duct tape them to the wall about a foot off the floor if they didn't let me do what I needed to do.
I wish that I could tell you 100% what to do, but no one really can. You just have to make a choice and be able to live with it. Do you stick around with your Dad and try to ignore the verbal abuse? Or do you walk away, making sure he has someone to take care of him?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You can not make your father do anything. My sister and I had to wait it out, with our Mother. Mother negatively affected one daughter's health and she almost did another's. It isn't easy, even from afar, but is necessary. He doesn't want your help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Unless you fear being taken out of his will, your dad needs to be trained on humility and gratefulness. ... Whenever he's rude and nasty, walk out. Come back a couple of hours later. Or plug in your iPod and listen to Creed or Betty Blowtorch while doing a crossword. Let him rant and rave. If he acts up on the phone, hang up.

He probably believes that along with that wealth comes a license to treat people like s___t; particularly the ones he thinks are sucking up to him just for his $. There's no need for him to respect others who don't respect themselves enough to draw the line.

Take your life back.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I do not know if anyone above has mentioned this but you always have the option of filing for guardianship of your Father. It has to go through the courts/you have to have a lawyer and requires the approval/recommendation of his dr.'s. We are in the process of doing this for my mother. (I am also only child and all she has left). She is angry about this but we have the backing of her Dr.'s and therapist. Best wishes and continue taking care of yourself. Sounds like he is experiencing some dementia and this is difficult to deal with for anyone, especially you!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
(First I want to say that whoever keeps changing the titles of these questions...please stop it!) DO NOT give up your job. It sounds like your Dad is in need of specialty care, and I suspect there's more going on than rheumatica. Listen to the attorney and the rest of your support team - they have experience in this area. Things will only get worse for you if you don't have a respite (job) to go to each day - to put yourself "in the line of fire" of his verbal abuse day in and day out, when you are already going nuts, is....well...nuts. ;) Just because he is your father is NO EXCUSE for his behavior, and you do not "owe him" anything as suggested above just because he helped bring you into this world. That's like saying it's okay for a child to endure physical abuse by the parents because they brought the child into the world & the child owes them for it...b.s. Do what you know you need to do - have him evaluated for dementia and go from there. You do NOT deserve to be treated like crap just because he is your father....period.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
"Being a caregiver doesn't mean giving up YOUR life" , Luv this...you are as important as the person or persons you are taking care of, at all times! There are those who feel that they need to give up everything to take on this task! Well FYI....you don't!! How in the world can you take the responsability of caring for someone else if YOU won't take care of yourself? My Husband is doing this with my MIL and now guess what....He has pnuemonia in both lungs!!!!! He is waring himself and me into an early grave, if he keeps this up! I am hoping that the Dr. tells him he has to go to hospital, cuz thats what it's going to take to get him to take care of himself! But I am very vocal on his health because he has a sis, that I will call, so she can help her mother too, not just the son! This Sister won't lift a finger to do anything...she THINKS she is a premadonna!!! *&$%#@*!!! So You take care of yourself YOU do deserve to rest and re-coop your inner wellbeing. Godbless all who are doing this work, True Loved ones~~~~~
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I can understand what you are going through. My mother recently had a TIA and has been on the decline since January when it happened. She barely communicates, she is refusing to take her medication on a daily basis. This morning was the worst when she tried to hit and kick me when I asked her to come to the table to eat breakfast. She told me to get out. I know in my heart it is the dementia talking but it really hurt because I have done all I can to make her safe and comfortable. I feel like I am being swallowed in her life and have lost my own. Many people do not understand or care what it is like for caregivers. This site helps a lot to know we are not alone in our battle. God bless all of you. When do we know when it is enough and allow others to step in. I don't have any help with this, my only sibling has told me that she does not want to help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
The timing of this is so great. I have been struggling with this same thing. I have a mother who for my entire life has been narsicisstic and mean- so much so that my brother could care less about her. I have the POA and the trustee. She had a stroke in Sept that left her aphasic and with short term memory loss. She had suffered a lot of health issues prior to the stoke and had a caretaker who was wonderful. I had to place her in assisted living (she is only78) and she is really mad at the world and me. She can't make decisions ( per 4 doctors) and I took over bills, care, trust and her 3 properties. I live 3 hours away and spend half my time at her house dealing with her appointments and such. My job as a realtor has basically gone away. She fired her caretaker who had been taking her to appointments along with the speech therapist and tried to fire the doctor as she wasn't telling her what she wanted to hear. My husband thankfully just retired and has been helping me with this. Both my lawyer and CPA told me to pay myself and my husband for what we are doing. This has helped with the resentment of my brother doing nothing and my lack of income. I was feeling guilty for a while but just recently got it set up as a payroll from the trust with taxes etc so it is all on the up and up. My guilt was I should just do this as it is my mother....but after her hitting us a few times - I got over it. There is a point of when this goes from responsibly as a "child" to a job that we need to be both compensated and protect ourselves phycologically from parental abuse. We have found that when my mother gets abusive we say we are leaving until she treats us properly. It helps. Hang in there and thank all of you for being here!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Let me tell you from my experience with my father, my self, my husband, and my siblings were all working full time just to take care of our father and his issues. I once told my father that he had four full time staff, and I remember he laughed. My father never realized how much work that we were all doing, and I am not just talking care-giving. He was living in 30 years of hoarding, and it took us 4 1/2 months to clean up, he had 12 rental properties, that had rents to collect, and maintenance issues, he had huge debt, legal issues, health issues, and even when we got all of the houses sold, and got all of the big issues taken care of, we got him through, strokes, Parkinson's under control, cancer removed, and much more, he still could make all of us feel guilty, and we kept his home clean, took shifts with the caregiving, shopping, doctor's appointments, financial, and found ways to keep his mind active, crossword puzzles, computer, etc. When we told him that we could not continue doing everything, our heath, relationships, and well being was tired and we were overwhelmed, he could not or would not see what we did, he would have days that he was just an ugly person, so we found an Assistant Living Facility, he refused, he wanted to stay in his home, why not, he was having everything done for him. So we decided to "step back" we told him that we would make sure there was food in the house, and we had him do some things for himself, we let him be by himself more, always having a cell phone for our help. He did this for one week, and told us that he needed help, we told him that we could not be there with him 24/7 anymore, he had to see it for himself, and we realized that we had to treat him like a child, almost, step back and let him see for himself. He moved into the Assistant Living Facility and he has been there for 5 months now, and he loves it, we now can visit him and have our own lives, so my point to you is: You have done what you can for your father, unless he see's for himself, until he realizes what you do for him, he will have no reason to change. Not in all cases, you do have to make YOU the first priority and not in all cases, you may have to step back and let your father come to you for help.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
I feel for what the others are saying here. In Ohio, what does it take to declare someone not competent for making financial decisions re caregiving? It seems like a disaster has to happen before the courts will step in? I have a similar situation in which my stepfather is in charge of my mother's care - she has dementia and I believe he is fading a bit too- more personality related in being more difficult to handle. He too is making bad decisions regarding my mother's care as well. I too gave up a nice job, etc -- and moved back to where they are prior to my mother being properly diagnosed (at the time I thought they were both near death's door given their heart issues-- not realizing the real problem on my mother's side was dementia).
I've had my real father who is also up in years helping me out financially but he's getting tired of it. I really don't have time to look for something better just trying to make ends meet. The sad part is that my mom was an excellent nurse and caregiver to other at home patients -- I feel she deserves the same-- her husband is being stingy with "their" money which he is now treating as "his"-- He finally realizes that he can no longer leave her alone when he runs errands and has allowed me to stay with her at such times and he will let her spend the night with me. But of course, he won't compensate me for any of it and I'm just earning min wage -- at 57 with no health insurance, etc... luckily I practice yoga everyday and that helps.
At any rate, I wish, just like dealing with teenagers-- there woul be a point where responsible children of seniors who are making bad decisions re caregiving-- can step in and take over for everyone's safety and well being-- if there are laws being thought of, etc... would like to know. This problem is going to get worse before it gets better and will ultimately affect the US overall GNP... Thanks
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You are not crazy and you are not bad. You are exhausted. I think everyone here concurs.

Your father has dismissed you? Then take a break. Take the keys to his car and inform DMV that he is a danger on the road due to his vision. Now step away, go and take care of yourself.

When he is ready to admit he has a problem AND is ready to treat you WITH RESPECT. IF, yes if YOU are ready, then go back and set up your own terms. After all he is lucky if you come back at all. Whenever he treats you disrespectfully, walk away again.

Of course, it's only a suggestion. You need to find your own way. We here only suggest that you not let him beat you down any longer because either we have been there or are still there and do not wish the same for you. Ultimately you will choose your own path. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I read your situation and I feel for you. I would contact a lawyer and his primary doctor. Get a clear picture of his health (what can be done to eliminate and or reduce his emotional outbursts). He may be raging from medicines or not accepting his declining health and your are the person he feels "safe" raging at but it needs to be stopped. If you are his POA you have a right to assess his
finances, looking to see if he has enough money for paid care givers. He appears to need some level of help and supervision. If his eyesight is going, he may need to see an eye doctor. If he goes blind, he needs to learn how to live in his home safely.

I would get a reading on his health and finances and then take it from there. If he has an older sibling or pastor/priest etc perhaps you could talk out things with them present. He would probably curb his outbursts as he wouldn't want to misbehave with them present.

However, even with money, old and disabled needs help. He has to get his head around that fact. Hopefully he can accept the changes with old age. If he thinks he will skip along without needing help all the days of his life ---he will not.

Hang in there. I would not move in with him as long as he is abusive verbally.

Elizabeth
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
efinnegan, I know how that feels. I worked for a hospital in ICU nearly 10 years. while they offered sick pay, they would give an "unsuccessful" evaluation if employees used more than 5 days for personal or family sick days taken (that's right... punish the caregivers). I am grateful for the hospital experience. I think it has prepared me for caring for my aging folks. However, after moving in to care for them full-time, I could not continue to work long hours. The opportunity for change presented itself when I had surgery and ended up on disability myself. At this time I realized that the stress of caring for my folks and caring for critically ill patients was killing me. My disability lasted 3 months, so I resigned my position (I now lived over an hour away from work, and my folks needed full-time care). I felt HUGE relief. Unemployment said they would not support a claim because I left my job 'for no good reason.' I was told that my folk's insurance would not cover any care I provide them... so now I'm stressed again. The fact is, I still have to live. I need to pay for car insurance, gas, medical expenses, bills, etc. I just picked up a merchandising job where I can sent my own hours. I'm told it will be about 15 hours a week. Probably not enough, but its something. I will worry about my loved ones while I'm at work anyway, but I also have flexibility like never before. I wish there was more financial help available to those of us who are caregivers. Too bad health reform will never address these issues. I think leaving the hospital job was a case of choosing my battles. I do not regret the choice at all. Being adaptable is so important and I am pleased to do what I can for those I love. My heart goes out to all of you who do not have your loving care reciprocated, I have been blessed in that regard. Remember to fill yourselves with love and life as well as rest. You CANNOT care for difficult people when you are empty, it will kill you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Regarding taking time off to care for the elderly, those of us who work in an organized workplace (ie have a union) need to ask for a certain number of family sick leave days. While most of the world thinks of this leave for parents taking care of minor children, it is very needed for adult children taking parents to doctor appts, and medical tests. Even when the parent is able to live on their own they need to see specialists who have restricted hours. You can't get late afternoon appts for them because many specialists stop taking appts at 1:30 pm. Also blood work often requires an early morning appt due to the patient's need to fast. Sometimes you can do this on a Saturday morning but often the doctors want a reading soon so you need to do the blood work on a Mon-Friday morning. Limited mobility requires that they not go to such appts alone.

Taking care of parents by using aquired time balances should not reflect negatively on the adult child who works. We do have a family leave program nationally but these are usually needed for the end of life of an elder parent or a big medical set back. Personally I used my contractional family sick days for appts when the elder could still travel to the doctors or medical test facilities.

I know many adult child caregivers who use all their personal days and vacation time to care for their parents. It helps to have supervisors who have a heart or have been caregivers in the past. People unfamiliar with the need for such time tend not to be very understanding. They have not lived life yet and
some never face it as a sibling of theirs carries the load.

Sorry your use of time reflected poorly on you at the job site---it should not.

Elizabeth
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I just want to tell you all that this is a great thread for all to read, very helpful clear advice and gives me hope. Thank you all so much for that!!

Efinnegan, I can almost identify with you, we're the same age and looks like about the same responsibilities, except my mother can be left alone still for hours in her home and is not bedridden. I keep a very close eye on her. But my coworkers and I will soon be let go from our job and regretfully must get into something else. I just started NA training and now have hope again that I can secure another job that will pay so that I can hang on to my house if at all possible, since I am bound and determined not to lose what I've worked so darn hard for without a fight. Worse come to worst, I could put my house on the market (and hope it sells should that happen), then move in with her, but I foresee possible problems down the road with the sibs over that one. Mom does have money should I need to hire somebody to watch her so I can get through these classes and secure another job when I'm let go from this one. And I thank God she doesn't fight me over every issue that comes up like she used to and seems to understand I need to do this for her sake and mine. I'm thankful my brother and sister-in-law are good people, helps to know for future reference, but my sister and her crew are another story. I wish you the best and hope you can get some real help of your own so you can get some rest. Sorry you employer doesn't understand. Seems like you could have some insight working where and how you do - any coworkers, social workers somebody there knows, anybody you can talk to with any advice??
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I am grateful for all of your responses. I work in health care as a nurse practitioner which makes it that much more upsetting to me that they do not understand.
I am sorry there are so many of us in the same boat. Your responses have touched me, however, and I am grateful to know there are others out there doing the most with the least for the ones they love.
I would like to write a letter to the white house reminding them we are here. It may do nothing, but maybe Congress will look at FMLA and see it differently for adult children working and taking care of their parents and children while trying to keep a job and sanity.
God bless you all. And thank you again. Please take care of yourselves and know that your caring responses have helped me greatly.
I am curious. What percentage of people who write on this subject are female adult children as opposed to male adult children who are primary care givers?
efinnegan
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
for me - a woman...my brother won't do a thing!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
For me, It's my husband taking care of his mother...his sister hasn't even bothered to ask let alone help. Take care and God Bless...;)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
For me me- female... brother and sister not involved.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It was me, my husband, my brother and my sister. 2 women and 2 men. I do understand that my husband is one of the special men out there, it is my father, not his.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Adult female child here also - the oldest of the 3 of us. Sister & brother are not involved in Mom's care (can't even be bothered to call her more than once or twice a year), but they sure like to make suggestions of what I "should do" as if they were. Needless to say their "advice" goes in one ear & straight out the other.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter