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Hannah there are actually several different options out there that may be beneficial to the two of you and your grandmother. A home health care company provides non-medical services for the elderly. What that means is they provide services to help the elderly stay in their homes for as long as possible by assisting with cooking, cleaning, bathing, dressing, medication reminders, toileting, laundry and transportation to doctors visits and social activities. They provide hourly or live-in services (a caregiver actually stays in your grandmothers home with her 24/7). I have worked in the nursing field since 1993 and have seen a lot of cases where all the responsibility is put on one sibling and it definitely is not fair. If your grandmother is unable to pay for any services you can contact the area agency on aging for the county she lives in and they should be able to come out and do an assessment to see if she would be better placed in a nursing home or personal care home. Please keep us informed on your decision and situation. Best of Luck!!!!
Rhonda
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What an awesome mom you have. Way to go mom! I have thought of doing that very same thing myself. Was going to take a few things a little at a time until there is nothing left to take. Working on finding a suitable place for me, my youngest son ,(13) and 2 large dogs. It takes some doing. She has made sure you don't feel trapped in a situation and that means she is a very smart & proactive lady! blou
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First of all I want to say thanks, I got some really good advice here.
Some answers got me a little bit sad though, I'm trying not to think of myself as mean or selfish because it makes things harder, it really hurts when someone calls me that. I need medical care and constant supervision too, it's not only my grandma who needs it, my mother is taking care of two people all by herself. When she goes to work I stay at home with my grandma for almost 8 hours, as I've said before I have schizophrenia, there's no way I can take care of anyone, I don't even know how to take care of myself properly... I also don't feel like I have to take care of my grandma because she took care of me when I was a baby, people shouldn't compare that, it's not the same thing. I took care of my grandma for this long because I love her and that should be enough. It seems like things are a little bit different in my country, we don't have the resources most of you talk about here, all we have is the social services and they were already contacted and know what's going on. Someone asked why my grandma is still living here with us and not in a NH, she's still here because my mother always thought she would be able to help my grandma until the end, even after my mother's heart attack she took care of my grandma and a NH never crossed her mind, unfortunately things didn't go as planned, my mental health started to get worse a few months ago, my mother started to feel some of the same symptoms she had before the heart attack and she told me that she's going to die very soon if she stays here. I was the one who contacted social services, my mother has a severe depression, she has episodes where she's really violent, she's a shadow of what she used to be and when I try to talk to her about my grandmother's situation she just says she has done all she could do, it's up to the rest of the family now. Can I blame her? Of course not, she even confessed she has been thinking about suicide lately, if leaving a situation behind to try to survive means we are mean then that's what we are.
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Hannah you are not mean. You are not well and at wits end. I get it. My two mentally ill brothers could never care for our parents. I commend you for doing it as long as you have. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I wish I had answers for you, but all I can offer is understanding and support. I get it. I do hope you get help for your grandma first so she is not alone or in danger. I wish you all the best. Xo
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Hannah, you're not mean, or selfish...you're a compassionate, grounded person. Some times our choice is between lousy and really lousy. Your mom knows you two need to take care of yourselves, to heal. Your gma wouldn't want your health and your mom's suffer to care for her personally. Sending prayers for calm.
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Hannah - please do not listen to the negative comments. From what I have read from your posts you are a thoughtful, loving granddaughter who is at the end of her rope. Save yourself! Also the people who say that we "owe" it to our elders to give up our lives for - that is nonsense. Having children and taking care of our elderly are not the same thing. They are complete opposites. There is little joy in watching someone go downhill, knowing they are just going to get worse. Children get older and more self-sufficient while our elders become more dependent. One person doing it alone is very difficult - I know- I have been caring for my own Mom for 3 years with very little help and I am now done also. Now it is time for the other family members to now step in and help.
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God bless you I haven't had a life in over 10 years ago through the same thing daily and I'm still having to do i and I'm still having to do it all my m and my mother has three ot and my mother has 3 other children and not one of them work so I feel your pain
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First and foremost, you and your mother cannot abandon your grandmother. That could get you and mother jailtime. If you could convince one of the other aunt and uncle to take your grandmother for one night, then they become responsible, unless you take her back. Since you did not mention a nursing home dementia unit, I assume you do not have the resources for same. Also, you did not mention who has the POA. If no one, then it falls to your grandmother's children, but any or all of them can claim they cannot be a caregiver. That includes your mother. A next step might be to take her to the ER and tell them no one can care for her. Tell them you will help make decisions but she needs to be where she can get the best help for her situation, and you and your mother cannot provide it. Be helpful to the ER and the social worker assigned to your grandmother at the hospital. Tell them your mother will sign the form for a three day evalustion for your grandmother. Let society take it from there.
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Oh Hannah my heart goes out to you. I have been with my Mom since my Dad passed some 20 years ago and I find it very hard difficult to move on with my life too. It is a constant battle with her. She keeps falling more and more and it is me who spend hours in the middle of the night with her. Then get up at 5 in the am to work. Lately, she doesn't want to eat. I think she is weak and that is causing the falls. I have contacted a Nurse Practioner that will be coming tomorrow to evaluate my Mom and make some recommendations. However, my Mother is throwing a fit...screaming and carrying on that she doesn't want anyone in her house and yells at me to get out.

You have the opportunity and love and support of your Mother. Go, Hannah! Please just go! Don't waste another minute of your life and don't ever feel guilty. God bless you and keep you
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Being a caregiver is the only experience in life that you will find yourself battling on multiple fronts. Finances, family, .... and yourself! Please follow your mother's lead. She is making a very very difficult but the right decision. Also listen to what others have posted. No one is suggesting you leave your grandmother home alone. But you need to move on. She would be heart broken to know you and your mother are suffering. Best of luck
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after my father fell 2 times within 24 hours he finally agreed to have my mother call 911. he has dementia/alzheimers and denies now that he wanted 911 called. but after 8 hours in ER (no broken/no fractures) I told them he could NOT come home. My mother can no longer give him the care he needs, She is diabetic (stopped testing sugars cause worried/caring for him more last week or so) and that he needs to be hospitalized until he either gets strength back OR to a facility that can care for him. He will be going to a facility this weekend, whether he likes it or not. Mom is okay with this and I know it will be an adjustment period for all of us, but guess what? My mom can now get the rest she needs, take care of herself, be able to go outside and not worry if he will be screaming for her, of falling down steps. She will be able to visit friends that she no longer could do. She is 87 and I am sure her time will come when I will need to be there more for her until she also will require more care. I will not jeodorize my health cause I also have more immediate family that I want to share my time with. So we all have to make decisions and NO one should put someone down because you can no longer care for them they way you wish you could. Apparently the person that made that negative comment is not caring for anyone OR wishes they could get out of their situation and is jealous of those you can hand over the care to someone else. God bless you for what you HAVE done.
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Wolf, thank you for sharing about telling ER staff that your father could not go home! We have heard other similar stories but need to be reminded of them every so often. It takes courage to do this and it is necessary in so many cases if only caregivers would do it when necessary. Good work!
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Right on about the ER visit. I would have done the same thing and have suggested it many times to others. If our loved one is not safe at home placement needs to be found. If they have been admitted to the ER you have the right to refuse to take them home if they are not stable or you cannot provide safety.
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Since I posted last I have more info that may help you and your Mom. Contact her health insurance company. They may have nurses.coaches etc that can help. When my mom started to really go downhill about 2 weeks ago I was having problems sleeping, hearing her call me when she really didn't, going to work with constant worry etc. But about a month ago I remembered a letter that was sent to my mom from BlueCross BlueShield. They were offering a nurse practitoner to come to the home to "assess" and send info to my mother's primary dr. (a story in itself cause she has none). The NP came yesterday and I swear an angel entered my home last night. Mother gave her the most difficult time but this NP handled it with grace, calm, kindness and mom finally gave in to being examined. NP agreed with us that she needed to go to hospital but mom absolutely refuses. This NP DID NOT leave. She contacted the Dr. that she worked for and he actually drove to our home to see what he could do. Another angel entered our house. He examined, talked and took her under his wing for now. Ordered an antibiotic, in-home blood work and xrays. He also contacted a case worker to help get in-home care for her. I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. Please contact her health insurance or a social worker. They will get her someone to come in and help. And you and your Mom will feel the relief I felt. You can then live with your decision to leave and be happy within. Go, Hannah, and live your life! I will continue to pray for you, that Angels come to you!
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Get Adult Protective Services in your area involved. They are great.
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I your grandmother is able to walk, feed herself, and do most of her activities of daily living with even some assistance. Think about an Assisted Living Memory care unit. They provide activities for dementia residents. Some even have different levels of dementia care. A memory care/dementia care unit whether in an Assisted Living or a Nursing facility will reduce your, your mother's and even you grandmother's stress. check it out. Depending on the state you live in Medicaid will help with the cost in Assisted Living. Medicaid does help in nursing homes. My mother has been in a nursing home about 6 weeks now and it is a God sent. Her panic attaches have stopped and she is much easier to get along with now. Before moving to the nursing home she was verbally abusive to all the family. 911 was being called by her several times a month. The stress is off of her and dad now.
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But they have to be facilities that accept Medicaid. In my area the standard to be in a facility that accepts Medicaid, the more desirable ones anyway, is that the resident is required to private pay for a period of two years.
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Make sure your grandmother has a life alert, and knows how to use it. Have your mothers siblings phone number be the one that is called if your grandmother ever presses the button, and then move with your mother. If you don't go, the two of you could be there for a very long time. Its time someone else takes over, and the only way they will is to be forced to.
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Hannah, we haven't heard from you in a few days. Please update us to let us know you and your mom are ok. You need help and support get back in contact with social services. I think you were on the right track there but you have to keep the ball in the air yourself unfortunately. They are usually an overwhelmed department focusing more on children. Pester them to help. Tell them the situation has deteriorated. You have many people supporting here. Remember some of us are caring for grandmothers instead of mothers so we get it.
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I have been really sick lately, that's why I haven't posted. We will probably move this week, I'm not okay with this decision but I know it has to be done, I just wish things had taken a different turn... I finally figured that no matter what I do I will never get rid of my guilt, it's a no win situation. People talked about abandonment and even jail, we're not going to abandon my grandma, she will have daily visits, we will be just one street away, my aunt lives two streets away and she said she's going to take care of my grandma's situation because she wants the house, she didn't said what are her plans for my grandma but from what she said I assume she wants to pay someone to take care of her at home. I just hope they can solve this situation without fighting... Social services haven't said anything yet, I will try to convince my mother to give them a call, I don't really want to involve myself in this situation even more, I'm trying to worry less about this, I did what I could and right now I'm really sick, I don't have the energy to solve anything, I'm sleep deprived, having constant hallucinations and trying to do my best to avoid worrying my mother and scaring my grandma.
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Hannah, ((((((((((((hugs)))))))). You have to look after you and let others look after themselves and grandma. Do you have a therapist and/or doctor who can help you through this time to get you to a more stable place Who is talking about abandonment and jail? I would not listen to them. Just concentrate on getting yourself better.
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Thank you for your kind words Emjo23.
I don't have a therapist at the moment but I have a psychiatrist and I'm on psychiatrist medication for my schizophrenia, it's not helping though and my psychiatrist advised me to look for a therapist too, she thinks stress is what's causing my symptoms to get worse, I will have to look for one I feel comfortable with, it's hard.
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Boy, do I know that feeling. My 2 sisters moved out of state and occasionally have comments on facebook on how I should handle things, but they don't live this life so they are really clueless, but they have their lives and can come and go as they please, while I have to find a grandma sitter and pay out of my pocket if I want to do anything and then that depends on how much money we have. Try not to feel to guilty, sometimes their are things out of our control. Try Senior Resources which the state agency should put you in contact with and take it from there. Ask her physician about home care and see what her insurance will cover.
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Hannah you amaze me. As i had previously posted i have two mentally ill brothers who live with our elderly parents. We are not in the same situation since they have an aide m-f 9-5 and i do nites and weekends. My point is that my brothers are not the caregivers although they try to do what they can but are limited. One inparticular can't take the atmosphere but can't afford to move out and hearing him threaten suicide is not unusual. So i can really appreciate you, all that you have done, and continue to do all while what sounds at a heightened point in your illness. Give yourself credit for the amazing and strong person you are. It's so hard on me and I'm healthy, but i have illness all around me. So i am in awe of you and respect but Hannah, sacrificing your life will not do anyone any good at this point. I'm glad your aunt is stepping up. Please concentrate on your health. My schizophrenic brother is very functional and has not hallucinated in years so there is hope for you. Please save yourself and keep in touch. We care. Health is the most important thing and i hope you find it
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Thank you Wannek.
It's very hard to cope with mental illness no matter what the situation is, the problem here is that I don't have anyone to help me except for my mother but she's away working from 7am to 5pm everyday, I'm left here all by myself with my grandma and that really stresses me out. I try to do my best but I just can't be a caregiver, lately I've been hallucinating all the time, I spend hours on my own world and end up loosing track of time, I forget about meals, medication, everything... I want to do what's best for my grandmother but at the same time I feel like I've already given everything I could, I'm one step away from ending in a psych ward and I'm not afraid to say that from now on I'm going to let the others handle this, we should have done this since the beginning or at least since my mother's heart attack.
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Thank you for the update. At least you will still be close enough to check in on her. That will help both of you.
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Hannah are you familiar with NAMI? THE NATIONAL ALLIANCE FOR THE MENTALLY ILL. they offer a lot of resources and i believe are Nation wide. I hope they can give you some guidance. I think you're awesome. Many hugs and yes time to take care of you
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PLEASE don't hate on yourself for being unable to do the impossible. I don't see how someone who is having hallucinations, struggling to stay in touch with reality, and generally stressing out on top of it could have been expected to handle full time caregiving solo for 10 hours a day.
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Hi Hannah. Just checking on you. How are things going
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Hope you check in, Hannah. We care about you and your loved ones. You are kind and caring. Hugs.
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