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Dad is approaching 90 years old and is fully aware with no memory issues, takes care of all his own bills, etc, and insists on independence. I thought he was driving well, but his driving at night was awful recently. Last year I rode with him on errands and an appointment so I could see how he was doing, and his driving and parking was spot on. But I accepted a short ride before dawn one morning recently, and it was scary. He does not drive at night at all otherwise. Now I'm scared about his daytime driving but I'm not with him generally so I don't know. I'm scared he might hurt someone or himself. We're in California. Does DMV deal with this at all, and can I report him and be anonymous? Should I speak to our local police about this? I don't want him to find out it was me. He insists he's doing well and doesn't need help. My therapist tells me this is not my responsibility, but I feel like since I knew about the dark-time incident, it kind of IS?

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Seems like Dad can no longer drive at night. He needs to see his eye doctor.
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Your state DMV probably has a form that you can report anonomously. They will then request a reexam. Some states will allow him to drive but just during the daytime and within so many miles of home. Some states don't do a thing about an anonomous report but will follow up on a doctor reporting it. Some doctors in some states refuse to report it because they are worried they will be sued or something. You just have to try all angles: DMV and doctors until it gets at least partially resolved
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I believe it is any citizen's responsibility to report dangerous driving. After all it IS a matter of life and death.
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You are in the best position to prevent him from hurting or killing himself or (God forbid) someone else. Discretely arrange for others to offer to give him rides so that he eventually won't miss driving himself. Give the volunteer drivers GCs to his favorite restaurants so that they offer to also take him out for a bite. He stays off the road, a volunteer does an awesome thing and gets rewarded, you get peace of mind. This worked in my family.
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This is a very serious situation because your dad could run a red light and kill somebody. Would you be able to live with yourself if that happened? First priority, stop him from driving, take away his keys or disconnect his battery if you need to. These things do not go away if you ignore them, they only get worse. If his mind is still good, he will likely figure out it was you anyhow so I wouldn't worry so hard about being anonymous, just sit down and have the conversation with him. Tell him you are concerned about his safety and the safety of others on the road when he is driving. It's time for your dad to give up his car and start accepting help from others, you might look into public transportation, maybe senior services even offer something. Friends could give him a ride, there are many possibilities out there. Please keep in mind, even if you do have his license revoked, that may not stop him from getting behind the wheel. My cousin was in an accident a while back, he was hit by someone with a suspended driver's license, no insurance and expired plates.

I should add, when my dad's license was about to expire, he went to the dmv and they renewed it even though both my mom and myself felt it wasn't safe for him to drive, so while you can and should report your dad to the dmv, please don't depend on them to revoke his license.
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Calgirl May 2021
Thanks for this, and also thanks to all. This guy has been a really tough one. His eye doctor doesn't want to be involved. He has no MD after his own doctor retired this January. Doesn't want a doctor I guess, just thinks his cardiologist will handle everything medical. He refuses to use the ride service I already paid for and even booked for him once. He canceled the eye appointment they were going to take him to. I went on a trip for 2 and a half weeks.... He refused a neighbor checking in on him. Saved his garbage up inside the house the entire time I was gone. Including used cat litter. Now refuses for me to even vacuum in there. I feel like I'm DONE, but here I still am.
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Well, the scary ride wasn't just at night, was it - it was before dawn, i.e. in the wee small hours when most good citizens are sleeping. How much was awful driving, and how much was his being four fifths asleep, and anyway what were you both doing on the road at that hour?

But never mind. The thing is, DMV does issue licences and no doubt are the people to approach, but what are you expecting them to do with an anonymous report from a concerned citizen? If anyone could get anyone's licence suspended in that way, just imagine the mischief people at loggerheads could cause to one another.

He insists he's doing well and doesn't need help. He rejected your offer, indeed your booking, of driving services. So that leaves - just how specific and explicit with him have you been about what's wrong with the way he's driving?

Presumably it's a vision problem, which is no doubt why he's dodging his eye tests. He knows very well he can't see. He just doesn't want to know it *officially.*

Someone is going to have to tell him he is being an idiot. If it's cataracts, they can be dealt with and, God willing, all things being equal, he'll be back on the road safely before too long. It's a less treatable eye problem, then even if it's not curable his choice is between treatment to conserve his vision, the sooner the better, or blindness - and even he can't think he'll be driving if he's registered blind.

No more pussyfooting around his feelings. If you can't be blunt with him about the sheer stupidity of ignoring this problem, do you know someone who can?
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Reaannhlovethem May 2021
I wouldn’t call her Dad
stupid, he’s 90.
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I think that you need to get in the car during the day and not ask for anymore rides during darkness.

I would not jump to the conclusion that he is not safe during daylight, you must confirm this before you react. It is a big deal to leave someone without the ability to drive and you want to be 100% positive that it is really an issue.

I personally think that slower driving is not an issue unless they want to be out during rush hour, then they need to get over that and go about there business when traffic is not in a rush.

Best of luck, my dad scared the crap outta me but, his license was renewed after I sent a report to the DMV.
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His night time vision issues might be related to cataracts. Have his vision evaluated. If his night vision is kaput, ask the eye doctor to break the news of "no night time driving."

Since he is mentally competent, he is responsible for his own actions, not you,
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I disagree with your therapist. It is your responsibility to stop him from driving. Imagine if he killed someone. What would you feel then? Contact the DMV office and ask them your question.
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I took easy way out and told mother her license expired... which it did and that I couldn't afford to renew it for a while. She forgot pretty quickly. Otherwise would've been huge issue.
Sounds cheesy but it worked.👍
Good luck.🙂
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Hello Galgirl

Yes,you should be concern about your 90 year old dad driving instance.

This sound like an issue that should be address ASAP.

I am learning about dementia and it’s effect on our love ones;which is painful to experience.

Talk to all people involved in dad’s affair.

Aging can be a slow process,but if we live long enough it will come upon us.

Unfortunately Dad might be in denial. Independent is something we don’t want to loose,or except we need help!

Continue to love Dad. Watch his back; say something about this scarey feeling you have. You love him! Right!

Do it now;before dad ‘s driving becomes dangerous.🙏🏾

Stay with this web site. It can be a helpful resource.

God bless you and keep you in his care.
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I feel that it is your responsibility. While your Dad may be very angry, as it is one thing that is very difficult to give up. Driving is a privilege and gives one a sense of independence. Once you take that from an elderly person, their lives feel meaningless as that is how my Dad was.
I was told that you need to look at the other side of the street, if your Dad was to get involved in an accident and your dad was injured or died, you would feel bad, however, if he was involved in an accident and he caused the death of someone as well as himself, how bad would you feel?
There is no telling how your Dad would respond if he survived the accident, it is no longer about just his independence, it is about the welfare of everyone that he may affect by his poor judgement and selfishness to be independent. It hurt me big time having to take my dad's car and license, but I am so glad that I did although it added to my daily activities such as getting him to and from appointments or getting groceries, it was worth it to me not to be worried about the what might or could happen if he was on the road.
Best wishes on whatever choice you make.
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YOUR THERAPIST IS WRONG---YES IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY..big time!
Your dad is going to end up maiming or killing someone with careless driving, especially bicyclist or motorcycle. The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) allows people to report unsafe drivers, often anonymously. You don’t have to be a doctor, anyone can file a report.
https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-stop-an-elderly-person-from-driving-when-all-else-fails/

If he kills someone due to careless driving, the law will make him stop driving. And he will also face manslaughter charges. The legal fees alone will decimate his assets completely. Then I imagine you will have to see a therapist due to the guilt for not intervening for his safety and those of others.

Driving is NOT a right. It's a privilege; being so, one must do so responsibly and safely.

Drivers can be reported by completing a Request for Driver Reexamination form at www.dmv.ca.gov or by calling (800) 777-0133.
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Yes. You should report. But you need to go further than that. If your father is no longer fit to drive you need to take proactive steps. My sister and I went to Oregon and disabled my father's car and then arranged taxi service for him to get around.
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Check with your state’s DMV website. I know in Ohio, it is possible for a person to send a letter to the DMV to report their concerns and to expect a response from the DMV regarding the letter.
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This was the biggest challenge of the entire caregiving experience. Eye doctors were enabling Dad, who was 95, by giving him the results he needed to renew his license which he needed to do annually due to the results. His GP wouldn’t get involved. Finally, a tech at one of his many eye exam locations supported my concerns and told him the results were not sufficient to legally drive. He had driven through a flock of Ibises that he hadn’t seen at all. He was followed home by a horrified witness. This was one of several examples that it was time. His license wasn’t renewed. That didn’t stop him. We needed his car because aides drove it when taking him to appointments and to run errands. He had keys hidden everywhere. Finally, I put a club on the car and gave the aides the key. He tried to drive it with the club on. Eventually, he said he wouldn’t drive and meant it. The previous time(s) he said he had his fingers crossed behind his back. To go to the fitness center, and more eye appointments (hoping for a different result), he used a transportation system that required scheduling the day prior and a round trip was $6. His aides took him shopping. I took him to doctors appointments. It wasn’t easy to have empathy when it felt so confrontational, but it was important for me to remember what a loss this was for him. Figuring out transition options that Dad would accept was a big piece of the puzzle. Wishing you the best.
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My 80 year old sister is in an ALF going on 2 years. Early on she had her car with her. She drove herself to the ALF a day early so she would have her car there. One of the reasons she was going to a facility was because she was getting lost, not remembering where she was going and other similar scenarios. First month there there ALF took her keys as she was getting lost and calling them to get her. Obviously we were contacted and concerned. She was calling the police to say her keys were stolen. My husband and I went to the local police station, proper POA papers in hand and told them we would be taking her car, in the middle of the night and the reasons behind out actions. Her car was safely placed in her garage. She didn’t miss the car, but she constantly, even now, demands her keys! She even went as far as calling a cab to take her home to get her spare set. $75 one way from ALF to home. She couldn’t get in she had no key and she couldn’t remember her garage code. Her neighbor got in touch with us and we got a friend to take her back! Why didn’t we go get her, she is in FL and we are a 9 hour drive away in S.C. When she began asking for the car again we did tell her it needed inspection and we put it in the garage. That was the truth! Doesn’t remember that conversation, but continually demands her keys.
Why don’t we give her keys? We had to pay for replacements for her ALF fob 3 times, they have never been found. We did give her a set of keys, a mishmash of old keys. Guess what, they haven’t been found.
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I know you said he’s a good driver but due to his age I think it would be more appropriate going forward if you need a ride at that hour to ask a friend or get a taxi or Uber to drive you at that pre dawn time

Since he otherwise doesn’t drive in the middl of the night, his night driving is irrelevant to his driving safety at this time

What’s relevant is he drives fine during the daytime so why would you anonymously report his driving as a concern? There’s a lot of people who drive fine during the day when it’s light out but can’t drive at night and he sounds like he’s one of them so if you want to know see how he drives during the DAY and if he’s fine then no basis to report anything- once my dad was in his 70s and 80s and was still active he drove during the day ( he had good night vision too but never drove at night bc he was an early to bed person who started his day early and got all his errands and things he wanted to do done by mid afternoon at the latest usually by 2 or 3 pm at the very latest, my mother was safe to drive during but once she was in her sixties on she didn’t have good night vision and by the age usually didn’t have anywhere to go at night obviously but the couple times she did in her late sixties have something she wanted to attend after it was dark she either declined or asked someone else - by the age of early 70’s didn’t involve going out at night as is pretty much the case for most folks once they’re in that season of life .

what’s relevant and important is his daytime driving and it sounds like that’s something he easily does, if you want to make sure you can ask him to drive somewhere close by w you during the day and if it’s fine then you know he’s fine to drive
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Bigred13 May 2021
Read a lot of posts mostly heartless idiots but you @Sarah3 are actually making sense unlike the majority of the others who probably didn't even read the entire thing or just don't care about the results of the weasel posters suggestions in getting their father arrested by the police at 90 years old for giving themselves a ride after dark knowing their father doesn't drive after dark to begin with did their child a favor and now they might wind up in jail or a nursing home
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Shame on Your Doctor. Get POA asap and I hope someone else can answer your question. Prayers.
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Most of the time you have to just suck it up and do the deal yourself. You cannot expect the DMV or any doctor to enforce him not driving. They are not there. They cannot physically stop him. Has he seen a neurologist to get evaluated. That's what we finally did with my FIL. The neurologist who works with the elderly had a driving simulation that they had him do. He failed miserably. They showed him all the times he hit or almost hit someone or something on the simulation. They showed him how slow his reaction times were, his poor hand/eye coordination. Then they appealed to his good heart, and told him they knew he would never forgive himself if he hurt/killed, his wife, or a young family on the road, and they told him there were other opportunities and ways to still be independent without driving.
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I had to deal with this with my mother. Most of the time my Aunt or I were there to drive her, but if left alone she would think of some reason to go out in the car. I finally had to involve her MD and after a brief discussion and a mini cog she contacted the DMV and Mom got the letter. She was so mad she put the wheels in motion to change Primary Care Drs. It as least kept her off the road. We left her car there so that when we took her out we used her car. I told her the DMV sent a copy of the letter to the police dept and they would be checking to be sure she wasnt driving.
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Here is a partial copy of a post I left about a month ago. I did not do it anonymously but requested that they not disclose who reported her if it came up.


After numerous discussions with my wife concerning this matter and at every breath she refused to ever think that her driving was suspect. All of the 50 years I have known her, she could only concentrate on ONE thing at a time. I did report my wife to the DMV because numerous Drs refused to get involved. She was having Partial Complex seizers at that time. When my then 10 YO son came home from being out with her scared to the point of shaking saying "Daddy, I never want to go ANYWHERE mommy is driving!". I had known her driving skills were lacking, and this was long before her dementia diagnosis, but I did nothing.

Doing this was one of the biggest stress relief actions of my life. I have never regretted it nor have I ever felt guilty about about it.
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rovana Jun 2021
Well you son had more sense and courage than you. Hope you did not make anyone ride with her - seizures are an automatic no drive in CA and should be everywhere. Why were you so cowardly?
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Getting the DMV involved is not necessary and certainly can make matters worse. Also your therapist is wrong, wrong, wrong!! I am surprised if you are still seeing her. Your loved ones are your responsibility once you notice a problem and perhaps when your father kills or hurts someone your therapist can then treat your guilt problem! In your heart you know she is wrong! when I took my husband’s keys away he told me he was glad he didn’t have to drive anymore. He had been to a neurologist who wanted to take him off the road immediately but we waited and when I felt scared to ride with him I took his keys away. Explain to your father that you are afraid to ride with him and why and refuse to do so anymore. If that does not work get some backbone and take control. Your therapist is incompetent, you are not!!!!!!!
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Inga1234 May 2021
I agree.
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Look up online or call the local DMV office to determine the laws in your state. Arizona allows a citizen report, which triggers a letter to the driver telling them they must have a Dept of Motor Vehicles form signed by a medical doctor stipulating they are capable to drive.
I turned in my 94 year old father who was getting lost and whose driving was scary, accompanied him to the doctor, who, after chatting for a bit, told him to stay within a 5-mile radius of his home. I made him a map and talked with him about the new rules for his protection and he said, “I’m not going to do that. I’m going to drive wherever I want to, and nobody is going to tell me anything different.” Additionally, his license didn’t say anything about it other than a code for law enforcement.
I didn’t want to turn him in but I also didn’t want him to end up being lost or hurting others. 3 months later he had a medical event that initiated assisted living and he didn’t drive again. Keep trying with your dad.
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I think your father's smart enough to know not to drive at night which you have stated and you brought him out in the dark knowing he doesn't drive after dark and asked for a ride now you're trying to get online to make you feel it's alright to snitch out your father for not driving the best in the dark which by your own words he doesn't do he did it as favor to you. You go to DMV he'll likely loose his license and unless you were coming home drunk that morning you obviously don't have a license to be driving him around it's going to cost him his indepence he'll wind up in a nursing home and probably die much quicker. You go to the police they'll watch and wait and arrest him for wreckless driving if they catch him which might just kill him he's 90 he'll likely have a heart attack being arrested or sitting in a holding cell with criminals and you will be totally to blame. You need to learn responsibility he shouldn't be coming out after dark to give you a ride. He doesn't like driving after dark probably has night time blindness lots of seniors have a harder time seeing after dark.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2021
This does not help Op at all…..lot of negativity in your post.
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i would talk with your local department of aging about your situation. Some states require notification of DMV in situations like you are facing. I would also contact an estate attorney to make sure your dad has things like a will and appropriate powers [financial and health] in place. Also talk with your dad's doctors about what is going on - possibly taking your dad to a neurologist to make an assessment of his capabilities. I believe some of the answers provided on this forum to be unduly harsh and in some cases misdirected. You are right to be concerned and to want to do the right thing especially for your dad. These are never easy decisions and the more support you get the better you will be able to function. Also do you have any siblings or other family you can talk with to help develop some type of plan of action. Good luck to you and know that you are not alone!
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This is something to ask your local DMV about. Whether you are legally responsible or morally responsible is nebulous at best. You should talk to the experts and follow their advice.
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rovana Jun 2021
There is another issue - under some circumstances insurance company may refuse to pay on the grounds that elder should not have been driving. It could mean a catastrophic financial hit and the rest of the family could thus be affected.
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My dad was 84 when I took away his car keys. Understand that he lived with me. I followed him home from the nursing home where my mother was one day and was appalled at his weaving across a 4 lane road. My dad lived to drive his precious Mercedes. When he retired from the Army, he was chief of the motor pool at Ft. Hood. That was his identity.

He was very angry when I took away his keys...understandably. He also was addicted to oxycodone for back pain and sciatica. So, I started taking him and picking him up from the nursing home twice a day - at meal times for my mom. At that time, I was a nurse working every weekend and homeschooling our son during the week. I took him to every doc appointment which, until that time, was his socialization outlet. It was hard but necessary. I am thankful to Jesus that he had not been in an accident causing injury to someone else before this.
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I didn’t have any choice in the matter. In CA if a neurologist, after testing and diagnosis, believes the patient is unfit to drive, she legally has to report it to the DMV. The driver can appeal the decision and take a special test and evaluation as proof of capability. So far my husband ( only in his mid-seventies) has made no attempt to get the evaluation. He knows where and how to do it. I think. somehow, he knows its the right decision.
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rovana Jun 2021
Ran into an interesting and scary situation. An elderly friend had a spell of unconscious collapse and was treated in Nevada, just over the state line from California, where she lives. The doctors in Nevada did not report it to the California DMV and her family had a real fight to get the CA DMV to get her off the road. She was a drinker and the meds she had to take should not be taken with alcohol.
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First I want to be clear...you need to make sure he is having issues driving in the daytime...otherwise you shouldnt report him on a hunch....can u follow him somewhere a few times... And see how bad it is...try backroads and not the freeway... If he truly is having problems u will see it after following him 2 times. Or driving with him. My mom hates driving at night....so I agree that he probably knows thats not best.

My dad had parkinsons dementia...We had a serious talk with him when he was 85 after he drove away from my house and then ended up on the sidewalk right around the corner he busted his tire of his tesla and the police came and I was traumatized because if he had made it to the freeway he would not have lived trust me he may not like it or agree with it but it's in everyone's best interest you don't want your dad to die in a car accident or God forbid hurt someone else on accident I was very close with my father before he passed from Parkinson's related issues my whole family was. He was our rock....i spoke with my mother and we all sat him down and told him no more driving. He understood and agreed. He saw the terror in my eyes when I saw him "crash"... And I believe he knew it was for the best.
Parkinsons related illnesses arent a very quick death but it could be much more painful if he gets into a car accident and hurt himself or breaks a leg or God forbid something worse you will regret it later if you don't deal with this now... he can still get around by having someone else drive him or
using a taxi service ....my dad built studebaker's from the ground up as a hobby. So cars was his thing. He was the best man ive ever known and I'm happy we took his keys away...in the end its only being with family that truly matters...not the freedom of driving.

On another note..when I was about 20 I was driving down the road and looked to my left...and saw a car driving down the sidewalk in the opposite direction
..for a good 3 blocks.. I didnt understand then that this man needed help. I hope someone was able to recognize the signs and stopped to help him.
Trust me if u saw him driving erratically once its more than likely happening more often. Ease your mind and sit him down with your family and discuss moving foward....

May god be with you and hold you in these hard times. He doesnt promise us a painless trauma less life. But he does promise to never leave our sides...and if we believe and keep faith... An eternity in heaven with our loved ones.
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Sarah3 May 2021
Yes exactly there are people such as him who drive fine during the day but don’t have good night vision. A lot of people didn’t seem to pay attention to this and instantly recommended calling dmv
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